All comics by biped

Profile

 

by biped
11-19-04
What'cha doin', Jimmy? Thinkin' about how lucky you ahh ta be married ta me -- Bahbra Steisand?

 

by biped
11-19-04
My new invention can actually measure a person's musical talent! Here, I'll demonstrate it on you, Mr. Timberlake!
Yo, that's wack.

 

by biped
11-19-04
I can't believe it! I'm actually about to have sex with Jenna Jameson! Oh, me so horny!
...so that's why I left my last boyfriend. The dork was driving me crazy with all his stupid puns.
Errr...
What's the matter? You look all stiff. Did something just come up?
Nnnff...rrggh...
Come on, just blurt it out...it can't be that hard to swallow.

 

by biped
11-20-04
I understand we're to participate in the latest comics competition, padre.
Oh, my...I hope it's funny. Who's utilizing us this time?
Umm...biped.
Holy fucking Scyess on a puke-green trampoline! Then we're fucked.
Hey! I overheard that!
Well, just don't photoshop me getting buttfucked again, you turd!

 

by biped
11-22-04
Hola, dudes! Anyone up for surfing some tasty waves today?
Surfing? SURFING? We live in Arizona, you fucking asshole!
Oh. Well, I meant skiing. The beautiful white powdery slopes...
SKIING? You see any SNOW around here? SHIT-FOR-BRAINS?
Meanwhile...
Oh. Well, I meant scuba-diving. All the nice colorful fishies --
SCUBA-DIVING? WE LIVE AT THE NORTH POLE, FUCKFACE!

 

by biped
11-27-04
Biff, Dave didn't show up. You'll have to give Bob's eulogy.
But -- I didn't really like Bob very much. In fact, I hated his guts.
Well, just think of something.

 

by biped
11-27-04
In honor of Thanksgiving, I just ran over a whole bunch of people with a tank. Crushed the shit out of 'em.
Cool. I wish you had told me -- I would like to have done that, too.
Well, we could go do it again. I'm still in the mood to kill some more people with the tank.
Oh, boy. Let's go do that, then. I hope we can crush and kill a lot of people with the tank.
"Dear Dad -- me and my buddy Dave ran over about fifty people with a tank today and totally killed them. Hope you and Mom had a nice Thanksgiving, too. Love, Rusty."

 

by biped
12-03-04
HEE HAW!!! ME REINCARNATION OF MILLARD FILLMORE!!! BOING-BWOING!!!
OMIGOD!!! HOW DID THIS DOG-ON-BALL GET INTO THE COCKPIT!?!
GRRRR!!! ME CRASH PLANE INTO WHITE HOUSE!!! ME PRESIDENT AND TERRORIST AT SAME TIME!!! BEEP-BEEP!!!
MAYDAY!!! MAYDAY!!! AIR FORCE ONE IS GOING DOWN!!!
ME JOHN LENNON, YEAH-YEAH-YEAH!!! NO SURVIVORS ALLOWED, BUTTFACE!!! ME SENTENCE YOU TO DEATH!!! WOOF-WOOF, MEOW!!!
NO!!! THE REAL JOHN LENNON AND MILLARD FILLMORE WOULD NEVER COMMIT SUCH ATROCITIES!!!

 

by biped
12-03-04
Santa, for Christmas this year I want a real train set, a catcher's mitt, a fire truck --
You know, of course, that you'll have to give me a super-deluxe blow job in exchange for all of that stuff.
B-blow job? B-but...I thought you gave away toys for free...
GIVIN' ME A FUCKING BLOW JOB WON'T COST YOU ANYTHING, YA CHEAP LITTLE BASTARD! NOW GET DOWN AND START SUCKIN'!
Later...
GAG... th-that was awful...
Damn right it was! You can forget about that fucking train set, fuckface!

 

by biped
12-03-04
Mister, would you please give me a dollar for some food? I'm starving to death...*sob*
FUCK Y -- (wait a minute...this is my big chance for some positive publicity...)
...and you say you bought the little girl a HOT DOG? What a WONDERFUL HUMANITARIAN you are!
Yes, heh-heh! And I didn't even demand full sexual intercourse in return! Just a simple, basic blow job!
GUH...a b-blow job...?
That's right! And to top it off, my protein-rich semen helped wash down the hot dog! Aren't I the greatest?

 

by biped
12-03-04
Hey, Mom -- I don't wanna be a cowboy or a fireman anymore! I wanna be a RABBI!
Oh for PETE'S SAKE, Billy! We're not even JEWISH!
Why, you fucking bitch...you've always done your dead-level best to kill all my dreams...
BILLY! Watch your language! And don't you EVER talk to me that way AGAIN! GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I fucking SWEAR I'm gonna be a rabbi, Grandma! Even if I have to step over Mom's BLOODY CORPSE to do it!
Why, you shit-for-brains moron. You'd suck long, hard donkey dick as a rabbi, and you fucking know it.

 

by biped
12-03-04
You just WAIT, you dried-up old CUNT! I'll PISS on your fucking GRAVE -- as a full-fledged Jewish RABBI!
RABBIS DON'T PISS ON THEIR GRANDMOTHER'S GRAVES, YOU FUCKING DUMBASS!
THEY DO NOW!
FUCK YOU!
Just LISTEN to that commotion in there, Ed! I'm worried sick about Billy and this sudden, inexplicable rabbi obsession of his!
Oh, shut the fuck up, you dumb bitch.

 

by biped
12-03-04
I've had ENOUGH of this FUCKING BULLSHIT! Dad, I'm gonna KILL you, Mom, and Grandma!
Not if I kill YOUR fucking ass FIRST, young man!
Oh Mother, it's TERRIBLE! Ed and Billy are trying to KILL each other in there!
GOOD! I hope Ed rips Billy's fucking HEAD off with his BARE HANDS!
What the FUCK's going on in here?
I just killed my ENTIRE FAMILY with a MEAT CLEAVER! RABBI SCHOOL, HERE I COME!

 

by biped
12-03-04
Welcome to Rabbi School, Mister --
Moscowitz. Bernard J. Moscowitz.
You've been such a blessing to our temple, Rabbi Moscowitz. We're so lucky to have you.
And I'M so lucky to have YOU to JACK OFF TO every night! Fuck, you're HOT! Even if you are just TWELVE!
Well, Grandma, I'm a RABBI now -- BITCH! Get ready to GARGLE my HOT, STINKING PISS!

 

by biped
12-04-04
Professor, I would like to have my dog cloned.
Okay.
Come on, dog clones. Let's go play multi-fetch.

 

by biped
12-04-04
Well, another typical day around the watercooler.
Bill, have I ever told you that I was gay?
Urp...er...no...
I often think about you when I masturbate. Last night I imagined you bent over naked, teasing me with your sweet, gaping asshole. My orgasm was incredible.

 

by biped
12-04-04
Robot Joe's the name! Yep, Robot Joe -- that's me! Heh, heh!
I like robots. I will feed you a big, greasy bag of tacos.
Err...I cannot ingest such substances...
I will just shove them in your mouth, then. And pound them down your neck.
That would damage my inner workings...
I do not care. Even if you resist, I am determined to force-feed you some tacos.

 

by biped
12-04-04
What the hell? It looks like someone's been force-feeding you tacos.
Nrrnghh...ngglllghh...
La-la-la! I am Robot Joe! Robot Joe's the -- uh-oh.
Do not be afraid, Robot Joe. I no longer feel compelled to feed you tacos.
Hooray, hooray! I am super-happy today!
LA-LA-LA! HO-HO-HO! I AM HAPPY ROBOT JOE!

 

by biped
12-04-04
Robot Joe, you are my friend now. I am inviting you to Christmas dinner with me and my family.
Hooray! Err...what is "dinner"?
I cannot ingest these foodstuffs...
Mom's in her room crying...she worked all day on this wonderful meal...and you...you have so coldly...so heartlessly... rejected it...
WHAT THE FUCK!?! NOW THERE'S A FIVE-COURSE FUCKING CHRISTMAS DINNER IN THERE!!!
Nrrnghh...ngarrghh...

 

by biped
12-04-04
La, la...err, la...I am h-happy Robot J-Joe...la, la...
Twizzlers...gummy bears... carmel apples...fucking BUBBLE GUM, for fuck's sake...I've had it. I'm dismantling you.
N...nnn...nnnnn...

 

by biped
12-04-04
It's a good thing I found you in that dumpster and reassembled you. Now we can feast on three big, square meals a day together.
P-please...I cannot eat...th-the foodstuffs clog m-my internal mechanisms...
No they don't.
No they don't....... No they don't....... No they don't.......

 

by biped
12-04-04
I'm dead, Mommy.
Wha -- wh-why did you say that, sweetums?
Because I was killed while you were at the store. I'm dead now. My body is in there -- in the bathroom.
Y-your...BODY? Omigod -- SALLY! Why are you SAYING this to me?
Bye, Mommy. I'm going up to Heaven now.
NO! SALLY -- NO!

 

by biped
12-04-04
I'm going up to be with God now.
We...we'll get through this somehow, Edna -- we've GOT to.
Oh, WAH-HA-HA!!! Her...her MANGLED CORPSE...it's all MY FAULT!!! WAH-HA-HA!!! *SOB!!!*
Well, looks like the bastard's gonna get away scott-free, Lieutenant. God, I hate that.
Sometimes you solve a case...and sometimes... sometimes you hate yourself just a little more...for the rest of your life.

 

by biped
12-04-04
God...would you please make my Mommy and Daddy not feel so bad about me being dead?
I'll try, Sally.
Edna, LOOK -- FREE CABLE!
Sorry, Marge -- I'm just not gonna be able to "get it up" for awhile. Self-hatred...flaring up...
Oh, GAWD, what is it THIS time? Some fucking little BRAT get WASTED again?

 

by biped
12-04-04
Ha-ha-HA! I got away with CHILD MURDER, and now I'm livin' in PARADISE! Those fuckin' PIGS can't TOUCH my fuckin' ass! Ha-ha-HA!
This just in -- kangaroo picks up loaded shotgun, kills innocent man.
Aww, the poor man. Well, fuck. And now, here's Chip with sports.

 

by biped
12-04-04
Hi, Mommy! I'm an angel now!
OH, SALLY!!! OH MY SWEETUMS!!! WAH-HA-HA!!!
"This just in -- kangaroo picks up loaded shotgun, kills innocent man."
COOL!
Well Ed, I've gotta commend you...for FUCKIN' THE EVER-LIVIN' SHIT OUTTA ME last night!
Well, Dick likes to fuck. Dick don't give two hot shits about my job-related bullshit.

 

by biped
12-06-04
My dick is conspiring to kill me, Biff! My own fucking DICK!
Mr. Gruntley, I think Floyd may be in need of some time off.
What is it? His dick again?
Floyd, you and your dick are a disruptive influence to this work environment.
But my LIFE is in danger, Mr. Gruntley! My DICK won't rest until I'm dead...DEAD!

 

by biped
12-06-04
Sir, I'm afraid you can't get a restraining order against your own dick.
Then I want to PRESS CHARGES for CONSPIRACY to COMMIT MURDER!
I'll be your attorney in this case. But first, I'd like an interview with your dick.
Don't forget my BALLS! They're in on it TOO!
No sir, I never actually witnessed Floyd being attacked by his own dick.
But you never actually DIDN'T witness it either, DID you, Mr. McGurk? Remember, you're UNDER OATH!

 

by biped
12-06-04
We, the jury, find Floyd's dick GUILTY of conspiracy to commit murder. However -- there was not enough evidence to convict his balls.
No!!! NO!!!
Floyd's in the hospital, Mr. Gruntley. His balls tried to kill him last night.
*GASP* -- those HAIRY BASTARDS! Oh, if only I'd LISTENED to his CRIES FOR HELP!
I'm STILL HERE, DICK! You COULDN'T KILL me, BALLS! Now we'll see how you like HANGING OUT in PRISON!
FUCK YOU! We'll bust outta here someday -- you just wait! And then you'll be fucked! Ya hear me? FUCKED!

 

by biped
12-06-04
Guess what, Captain Chip? I just rammed a baseball bat up my butt!
Why, BOBBY! That's not what your butt is for!
It's not? Uh...what's it for, then?
Bobby, your anus is for pooping only! It wasn't meant to have things rammed into it!
Wow! Wait'll I tell my dumb old Dad! He's been using it to polish his wiener!
Ha, ha! Well Bobby, sometimes learning is for grown-ups, too!

 

by biped
12-06-04
Playing near demolition sites sure is fun -- HEY! A blasting cap! I think I'll pick it up!
HONK-HONK!!! DOG-ON-BALL SAY "NO WAY" TO BLASTING CAPS, BOBBY!!! GRRRR!!!
DOG-ON-BALL? I thought you were DEAD!
NO, ME ALIVE!!! BUT YOU BE DEAD IF YOU PICK UP BLASTING CAP, STUPID!!! MEOW!!! SHUT UP!!!
But gee, Dog-On-Ball... (*sniff*)...I kinda WANT to be dead.
HEE-HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT THEN, BUTTFACE!!! BLAH-BLAH-BLAH!!!

 

by biped
12-06-04
Robot Joe's the name! If you ask me again, I will tell ya the same! Tra-la-la, la--!
Robot Joe, I need an adult to show me what happens if you drink nitroglycerin, so I'll be safe and know not to do it.
Nitro...glycerin? But...that would destroy my inner mechanisms...
Oh.*SNIFF!* I guess you don't care if I die horribly or not.*CHOKE!*
All right, I-I will drink th-the -- YAAAAAAAA!!!
Cool! I'm sure glad I didn't drink it. Thanks, Robot Joe!

 

by biped
12-06-04
Swallow the coyote in one gulp.

 

by biped
12-09-04
What's THIS shit? Fucking OFF-BRAND action figures? Shitty videogame knock-offs from TIAJUANA?
Look, a bad economy hits Santa just like it does everyone else, Bobby --
We, the children, allowed you to live after last year's disappointments, Santa. But this year -- you DIE!!! Prepare to be LYNCHED!!!
WHAT? LYNCH SANTA CLAUS?
Funny how his feet kept twitching even after he was dead...and that silly contorted face he made...
Yeah, he died pretty cool...well, grab his toybag. Let's pass out the shit.

 

by biped
12-09-04
HI, kids! CAPTAIN CHIP here with a message about... about... oh... oh, yeah... *FWAP-FWAP-FWAP* OHHH YEAHHH... UNNNGGGHHHH...!!!
HOLY SHIT!!! CAPTAIN CHIP'S WANKIN' OFF IN FRONT OF THE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!!
You twisted BASTARD. All the little kids saw your horrible, naked...er..."MAN DINGUS."
But -- what's so horrible about the naked male appendage, officer? I don't understand!
So remember, kids -- DON'T jerk off in PUBLIC! For some reason, it's FROWNED UPON! Uhh...oh, yeah... UNNNNGGHHHH!!! There! That's better!
This was SUPPOSED to be a PSA about SMOKING! DON'T SMOKE, KIDS!

 

by biped
12-11-04
Well, here comes the old coat hanger.
Hey, kids --ever hear of rubbers? Huh?

 

by biped
12-12-04
Mom? I thought she was dead.
Shhh...I think our penises are talking to each other.
...so, there's just no reason NOT to circumcise astronauts!

 

by biped
12-13-04
How do the Christmas decorations look?
I'm the wrong guy to ask, Maura! I hate Christmas.
But how can you say that, Pete?
It all started when I was a kid...
You just fucked my mom, didn't you, you fat, slobbering bastard?
That's right, bitch! And if you blab, I'll have your fucking legs broken!

 

by biped
12-14-04
Captain Chip, it was nice of you to buy that little starving girl a hot dog. However, demanding a "blow job" in return was illegal.
Really, officer? If only I'd known that before!
...and since you've been sentenced to community service here at Sweaty Palms Middle School, we've decided to put you in charge of the sex education class.
Goodness -- what a challenge! I hope I can rise to the occasion!
Now remember, students -- I did not "demand" these blow jobs! I merely offered you all an "A+" in exchange for them!
It's...yucky... GLORP!!!

 

by biped
12-14-04
Remember, Captain Chip -- students must be "seduced" into learning. You can't just shove knowledge down their throats.
You can't? I mean... you can't! Of course not! Heh, heh!
And that, class, is how the world-famous "Wisconsin Corkscrew" is performed! Thank you for your assistance, Timmy!
Room... spinning...can't feel... extremities...
I've never seen anything like it, Captain Chip. All of your students have gone on to become either hookers or porn stars.
Err... it's a vocational class, right? Like wood shop?

 

by biped
12-14-04
Captain Chip, your community service ended six years ago. Why are you still here?
Well, as the kids say -- I "get off" on teaching, Miss Bulge! Though sometimes quite draining, I consider it highly satisfying!
Students, I'm sure you'll all find this final exam hard, yet fulfilling! That's it...keep the line moving...!
...GLORP!!!... ...GLORP!!!... ...GLORP!!!...
You've certainly become a credit to the community since our last encounter, Captain Chip. Or should I say -- "Teacher Of The Year"?
Well, officer, as the kids say -- my new job "blows me away"! In fact, you might call it -- my new "blow job"! Heh, heh! Get it?

 

by biped
12-14-04
Mommy, I shaved the cat's legs.
OMIGOD!!! FLUFFY!!!
Daddy, I filled up your gas tank. With pancake syrup.
HOLY FUCKED-UP SHIT!!! MY BENZ!!!
Santy Claus! Did you bring me the Barbie Makeover Salon I asked for?
No, Sally. You've been so bad this year, your parents have requested that I force-feed you fifteen pounds of microwaved buffalo shit.

 

by biped
12-16-04
I have an aunt who invents new kinds of pizza. Make up a haiku about it, please.
"Your aunt makes pizza. Not just old kinds, but new kinds. Brand-new pizza kinds."
Now make up a song called "Brand-New Pizza Kinds", please.
"OHHH, YOUR AUNT IS ONE OF THE LEADING MINDS, IN BRAND-NEW FINDS, OF PIZZA KINDS! PIZZA, PIZZA, PIZZA KINDS!"
I like the term "pizza kinds."
I like dick-flavored pizza.

 

by biped
12-17-04
I have to get the hymnals ready for tonight's church service.
Hymnals... ready... tonight's... church service... gngogh...
Father O'Mallard, I HATE my dumb old clone. He's driving me CRAZY!
I'm sorry you feel that way, Billy. Even now, I am in the process of creating ten thousand more of them.
Grandma, I HATE my clone, and Father O'Mallard is gonna make TEN THOUSAND MORE of 'em!
Then kill him, Billy. That's the only truly effective way to stop him.

 

by biped
12-17-04
I have to sweep out the rectory today. And, uh... kill Father O'Mallard.
Kill... Father... O'Mallard... glubgh... *drool*
Kill... Father... O'Mallard... *poot*
Kill... Father... O'Mallard...
No, Billy, NO!!! I'll give you ONE BILLION DOLLARS!!!

 

by biped
12-17-04
You're welcome to count it. It's ALL YOURS, Billy... a BILLION DOLLARS... just for not killing me.
A... Billy... dollars... for count me... not kill welcome... *frrrt*
BILLY! What are YOU doing here? I just left you at the BANK!
That wasn't me, Father. It must've been my dumb old clone.
"This just in -- billionaire clone wins national lottery. Jackpot -- another billion dollars."
DARN IT! I HATE that stupid clone -- and I HATE FATHER O'MALLARD!

 

by biped
12-17-04
I have to paint the confessional today. And, uh... roast myself alive.
Roast... self... alive... gngogh...
No!!! NO!!! The CROWNING GLORY of my SCIENTIFIC ACHIEVEMENTS -- INCINERATED!!!
Smell that nauseating stench of roasted human flesh, everyone? That's Billy's fault. He's the world's most horrible altar boy.
Don't listen to him, everyone! He's a really, really bad priest!

 

by biped
12-17-04
Billy, I'm initiating the mass cloning procedure tomorrow. I hope you won't try anything... foolish.
I'll cremate them all, Father O'Mallard. I swear, if it takes me fifty years -- they'll all be roasted alive.
Fifty years later...
Well, that's the last one.
Billy... I've been donating the roasted flesh of your victims to the poor. They've been feasting upon it for years.
Really? I've been giving it to your mom, and she's been feeding it to you.

 

by biped
12-18-04
I hope you enjoyed the dinner, my dear.
Oh Neal... This has been such a romantic Christmas night. You shouldn't have!
I'm afraid I should have... Because tonight is the night I must tell you my dark secret!
Darling, nothing you say could possibly --
HEE HAW!!! ME REALLY DOG ON BALL!!! SHUT UP, BUTTFACE!!! BOING-BWOING!!!

 

by biped
12-18-04
I hope you enjoyed the dinner, my dear.
Oh Neal... This has been such a romantic Christmas night. You shouldn't have!
I'm afraid I should have... Because tonight is the night I must tell you my dark secret!
SLURP! YUM-YUM, HER TASTED GOOD! YUMMY BLOOD AND MEAT AND CHEWY BONES!
OH, MY GOD, YOU ATE HELEN! YOU FUCKING BASTARD!
Me was HUNGRY! But don't worry -- ME will mate with you now!

Showing page 16.

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