All comics by boorite

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by boorite
1-14-04
What'd you say these were again?
Bone-beetle larvae. Quite the delicacy where I come from.
*groan*
Yeah, they go right through ya, don't they?

 

by boorite
1-14-04
Don't you have a job?

 

by boorite
1-16-04
You should start off every day with a morning jog.
This morning, I ran out in my pajamas with a full garbage can and chased a sanitation truck.
Cool! What was your pulse rate?
I dunno. 6, 10, something like that.
Awesome!
I am in superb physical condition.

 

by boorite
1-21-04
Last night I dreamed stripcreator had all this cool new art scanned in from "Barlowe's Guide to Extraterrestrials."
Last night, I dreamed my family had enough grain to last the winter.
They were really cool aliens.

 

by boorite
1-28-04
The webmaster took the chat room down. Half my social circle, wiped out in an instant!
The same thing happened to me when an air raid was mistakenly called on my uncle's wedding.
I guess I can still talk to them on the forums.
I can talk to my family in prayers.

 

by boorite
1-29-04
You were right: You CAN see the stars much better, out here in the desert. Why?
Transparency of the atmosphere from ground to space. It's calculated from the total amount of water vapor in the air.
Arrrrrrr.

 

by boorite
1-30-04
Constipation got you down, Jumbo?
I got 400 pounds of rock-hard shit jammed up my ass.
Flush it out with Granny Kraken's Herbaceous Colon Wash!
Can it deliver natural laxative agents at up to 400 PSI?
You bet it can! It's the only air-driven all-natural enema you can buy without a prescription!
Nozzle me up then, and be quick about it. Just stand clear when I yell "there she blows."

 

by boorite
2-02-04
How do I avoid the muss of having sex with my husband, without all the fuss of telling him "no?"
Drown his desires in Granny Kraken's Ole Fashion Rhino Tranq. My natural blend of 11 opiates and alkaloids spells "lights out" for your loathsome Lothario.
But is it safe?
Who gives a damn?
Oh, Granny! You make everything so simple.
That's right. Just shoot the bastard, and down he goes.

 

by boorite
2-02-04
Homework sucks! I'm gonna play Nintendo!
Have I been spoiling him?
Build the boy's character with a self-help seminar at Granny Kraken's All-Natural Camp Adventure, located in scenic North Dakota, far from the distractions of electronic media and indoor plumbing.
A self help seminar! Sign him up!
I'm freezing! I want lunch!
Help yourself, you little weasel.

 

by boorite
2-02-04
My kitchen smells like a dumpster full of baboon ass festering in a Bengali swamp.
Let me check it out, dearie.
Yep, sure does.

 

by boorite
2-03-04
What makes you interested in working for our university?
It's across from the train station.
How would you sum up your attitude to the phrase "customer service" in an academic setting?
"Please give me a job."
What would you say is your weakest point?
Definitely my balls.

 

by boorite
2-03-04
You must be the candidate. I'm the interim library director. I am very pleased to meet you!
And I have meat to please you! Ha ha!
*scribble scribble*
What are you writing? Can I see?

 

by boorite
2-03-04
Got any gift ideas for the conservative on my list?
Granny Kraken\'s Talking Bush Doll will have him riding tall in the saddle! Packed with hour after straight-shooting hour of down-home Bush wit and wisdom.
Got any gift ideas for the liberal on my list?
Granny Kraken\'s Talking Bush Doll will have him rolling on the floor laughing! Packed with hour after Orwellian hour of backwards-ass Bush greed and stupidity.
You got them coming and going, Granny. Here\'s your cut in small, unmarked bills.
Take a load off, sonny boy. You ain\'t leaving til I count every damn penny.

 

by boorite
2-04-04
Howard, dear, did you get the list of errands I put on the fridge?
Yes, honey. I\'m going to the pharmacy, then the Jiffy Lube, then the post office...
...and I\'m going to the HARDWARE STORE, and I\'m going to the LIQUOR STORE, and I\'m going to the GROCERY STORE...
Then I\'m going to MACY\'S to TAKE BACK A SPORT COAT! YEEEEAAAAAGH!

 

by boorite
2-10-04
woooooo, I'm haunting you.
Cunt off.
But I can never depart this mortal coil so long as--
CUNT OFF, I SAID!
--the curse of--
CUNT! OFF!

 

by boorite
2-10-04
Wooooooo.... get out! Get out while yet you may!
Here's an idea: Why don't you get out instead?
Because the... well, I... it's hard to...
Why, indeed?

 

by boorite
2-11-04
You've been coughing all day. Go home! I don't want that "bird flu."
OK, but I... I'm sure it's only a cold.
*cough*
We've got to hide you!
*bwrrrkl*

 

by boorite
2-11-04
You've been talking gibberish all day. Go home! I don't want to catch that "mad cow disease."
OK, but I... I recall the terms from unit sales of merchant navy undergarments, air-conditioned to the point of retrieval...
...then again, the cola energy might detract a candidate to the root of the dirty tree, which is the Christ in all of us, but without that noise...
And we're going to marmalade! YEEEEAAAAAGGH!
YEEEEAAAAAGGH!

 

by boorite
2-11-04
May I take your--
*cough cough cough*
May I--
*HACK KOFFFA KOFFA GASP KOFF KOFF KOFF*
Are you OK?
Yes. I'd like your Deluxe Civet Combo, please.

 

by boorite
2-18-04
BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF MORDOR!
How about an army worthy of Arbutus, Maryland?
Well, alright. BUILD ME AN ARMY WORTHY OF ARBUTUS, MARYLAND!
And instead of an army, how about a Microsoft Access database?
Alright. BUILD ME A MICROSOFT ACCESS DATABASE WORTHY OF ARBUTUS, MARYLAND!
I love this job.

 

by boorite
2-19-04
How old is your sister?
Do you mind if I ask your sister to the movies?
I'm coming to live there.
My sister doesn't live here.

 

by boorite
2-19-04
That weapon doesn't look particularly effective. There's too much pole.
Well I didn't make it for YOU!
Do you have some sort of close combat back up? If I can get closer in than that pole, you're useless.
Well, assuming I'm Swiss, I probably smell of BO and herring.
And herring BO.

 

by boorite
2-19-04
I guess you're too close to overwhelming crowds of eurotrash to find them funny at all.
Yes.
Would I be considered eurotrash if I came over there?

 

by boorite
2-19-04
The labor theory of value works if the price of capital for vertically integrated industries is closer to the average than for non-vertically integrated industries.
Balls!
Anwar Shaikh has checked this condition with the 1947 input-output table collected by Wassily Leontief for the United States.
Who gives a flying rat-fuck?
But the ratio of the standard deviation of the capital-labor ratios to the mean capital-labor ratio (the coefficient of variation) is 1.14.
You gave your grandmother syphilis.

 

by boorite
2-22-04
You're violating the basics of software development which every computer science major learns in a 101 class.
How dare you? I got my programming degree from the Institute for Advanced Clown-Punching.
I'll have you know I've been punching my clown to the point of Indian burn on this project.
This is no occasion for sarcasm.
Thanks! I'll make a note of that.

 

by boorite
2-22-04
Hello, I've searched your holdings for "cunting scrotal bloat" and come up with fuck-all.
Did you try using a boolean "and?"
Since I don't know what the distended colon you're talking about, I'd have to say "no."
Well, in that case, I might suggest that you...
Dear me. This bookish rapist sounds all set to go brutal on me.
...kiss your tits goodbye. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to burn down your house.

 

by boorite
2-26-04
Mr. Prime Minister, did your intelligence service spy on the UN Secretary General?
No comment.
You can't just say "no comment."
Clare Short is a naughty girl.
Did you or didn't you?
Dogface mambo in the banana patch.

 

by boorite
2-26-04
Lord, send me an angel.
You, there!
My prayers are answered!
*jab jab*
Ow! was that a hatpin?
Gimme some change. I drank my bus fare.

 

by boorite
2-27-04
So, whatcha doing after the second show?
Oh... I didn't have much in the way of plans. TV, a snack...
You?
Well, I have a cousin in town who knows this bar...
Of course, he has someone, and I didn't want to show up alone...
Yay, I finally get to fuck the ostrich.

 

by boorite
3-10-04
Master, why have I come to sorrow?
Because you wanted something.
So to avoid sorrow, I should want nothing?
No! For he who wants nothing never gets it, and so comes to sorrow.
So it's pretty much sorrow every which way you go, then.
Wrong again. That's all for today. Now go clean the ashtrays.

 

by boorite
3-10-04
Master--
Oh, thank goodness! I could crap the whole Chua Ong Pagoda here. Keep an eye on the shrine while I defecate.
But Master, what if someone--
JUST STAND IN FOR ME!
I'm the Master! Looka me! I'm saying wise stuff!

 

by boorite
3-10-04
Master, why-- wait on! Where are your trousers?
Perhaps these are trousers only dreaming they are boxers.
Are you really a Zen Master?
I am as long as Master Sozhun is off shitting up the forest.
OK then, I'll ask you. How long before a student masters astrophysics?
Three, four months, tops.

 

by boorite
3-10-04
That was balls! I'll bet I could be a better Zen Master than you!
You're on!
Master, what is the true way?
Cunt off to your mother's arsehole!
Not bad.
Thanks.

 

by boorite
3-12-04
Why does it just make a new link to the same old record? It ought to create a whole new one!
Shut up, you big fat barrel of ape shit.
Pardon?
I said, I must have imagined the excruciating hours we spent discussing that crucial point, and if you suddenly want me to redesign the whole thing, well, no problem.
Hey, thanks!
You big fat barrel of ape shit.

 

by boorite
3-12-04
Dear Colin: Having left a turd of astonishing diameter lodged in your commode, and with no way to flush it, I found my only recourse was to escape through the window.
I apologize for my rudeness. I am sure you are wondering what sort of monster could produce such a specimen and then leave it there for you to deal with.
I have been wondering the same thing myself, and have developed the habit of avoiding looking directly into mirrors.
Anyway, my disappearance notwithstanding, I hope the dinner party proceeded along pleasant lines...
...although I imagine that rendering the flat's only toilet a stinking horror might have created a bump or two.
Yours, Russell Crowe.

 

by boorite
3-18-04
I wonder where my furry little friend could have got to?
I ate him.
No way I'm feeding peanuts to this thing.

 

by boorite
3-18-04
Here, pidgie pidgie... dear me, where are all the pigeons?
I ate them.
DAMN YOU, MONSANTO CORPORATION!
You gonna finish that popcorn?

 

by boorite
3-18-04
What were you doing in the koi pond?
Feeding.
Sign says DO NOT FEED THE WILDLIFE.
I was feeding ON the wildlife.
Oh, you're good, then.
You gonna finish them doughnuts?

 

by boorite
3-22-04
Lest my comical avatar give you the wrong impression. I don't drink anymore. So let this be a bottle of that Starbucket's Crapuccino Frap or whatever.
Also, these days I am remembering to put on my trousers before leaving the house.
This morning doesn't count.

 

by boorite
3-22-04
Those stripes make you look like a basketball with hepatitis.
Fuck you.

 

by boorite
3-22-04
Whoa, I totally set fire to this wino.
Wake up, dude! You're on fire!
Take away my GameCube, will they?

 

by boorite
3-22-04
Hey!
Men's locker room rule number one: eyes above the waistline at all times.
Oh, what the heck. Go ahead and scope out my junk.
Thanks.

 

by boorite
3-23-04
That thing I said about remembering my trousers? This morning doesn't count, either.
Stop scoping my junk, Dougan.

 

by boorite
3-23-04
Here, squirrely squirrely!
You plan to twist my head off and drink my blood.
Gasp! How did you know?
The rabies gives me ESP.
INNOCENT THOUGHTS INNOCENT THOUGHTS
Jesus, you're still going to try it.

 

by boorite
3-24-04
Help! A cougar is eating my leg!
Impossible! Cougars are extinct in these parts.
What's eating my leg, then?
My guess is an exceptionally large and tawny skunk.
Don't scare it.

 

by boorite
3-26-04
For reasons I cannot explain, I find Widow Kraken most comely.
Let me go see if she inspires a rush of adolescent hormones, thus corroborating your judgement.
That kid has major issues.

 

by boorite
3-26-04
Stop givin' me the sweet-eye before I go upside your head with this hickory stick.
The caterwaul emanating from her dessicated glottis contributes nothing in the way of erection, a state I fear I shall never enjoy again.
My friend, evolution has crafted human males to be attracted to voluptuous young women fit for childbearing. Something has gone awry with your wiring.
Perhaps it is my father's stash of "granny porn," which I have been raiding of late.
Yes, that would explain it.
Care to peruse a copy of "Naughty Kneeling Nanas?"

 

by boorite
3-29-04
Mr. President, how do you feel about gay marriage?
I believe marriage is between a man and a woman.
Mr. President, why did you abandon the effort to smash Al Qaeda's command structure and instead invade Iraq?
....
I believe marriage is between a man and a woman.

 

by boorite
4-01-04
Monsignor, do you think the pedophile priest scandals constitute a crisis for the rapacy?
FUCKING FREUDIAN SLIPS!
I meant nothing against His Assholiness. SHIT!
Ah, here comes the acid.

 

by boorite
4-01-04
Mel Gibson made a movie about you.
Cool. Does Mel play Me?
No.
Do I get to kick some Roman ass?
No. They flay you like a cuntfucker.
I'm too old for this shit, Riggs!

Showing page 16.

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