All comics by DragonXero

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by DragonXero
12-24-04
Good lord, why are you so pissy about New Year's?
For the same reason I'm pissy about Valentine's Day.
Ohhh, because you're single!
No, because it's on those dates every year that the radiator in my car explodes.
Note to self: Sarcasm is not his strong point.
I'm sorry, I missed that. The remaining pieces of my shattered heart were clanking around too much.

 

by DragonXero
12-25-04
*Try to work out the chronology in this strip. It'll make your head explode, ala "Scanners".
Something's missing here.
Yeah, but what?? Yeah, we're fine.*
OH MY GOD! MACY! DARCY! THEY'RE GONE!
YOU HORRIFIC BASTARDS! Jenny, Christine, are you two okay?

 

by DragonXero
12-25-04
Aren't you supposed to be delivering presents?!
ON STRIKE!
But, why? You're the jolliest fat man ever!
EXACTLY! I want Jenny Craig or I'm not delivering presents this year.
But, if you lose all that weight, you won't be Santa anymore!
Sure I will. I just won't get stuck in any more goddamn chimneys and have to call Randolph the red-nosed paramedic to help me out!

 

by DragonXero
12-26-04
How was your Christmas, James?
I GOT A NEW GUITAR!
Oooh, that sounds nice. So, what're you doing la-
I GOT A NEW GUITAR!
Uh, that's.. nice... You.. okay?
I GOT A NEW GUITAR!!!!

 

by DragonXero
12-26-04
Dude, I really like Natalie Portman. She's gorgeous!
Yeah, she's pretty hot.
I also have a thing for Christina Ricci.
Oh?
I think that makes me a pedophile.
...

 

by DragonXero
12-27-04
You're right. It does feel better.
Told you.

 

by DragonXero
12-27-04
*ackpth* EW.
Told you.

 

by DragonXero
12-27-04
Hah! You blinked. I win.

 

by DragonXero
12-27-04
What is that smell?
I had a burrito for lunch.

 

by DragonXero
12-27-04
I GOT A NEW GUITAR!!!
I got a new girlfriend.
Fuck you.

 

by DragonXero
12-27-04
Hey little squirrel! I got a new guitar!
I mated sixty times today.
Yeah, that's what I thought.

 

by DragonXero
12-27-04
So I said to him: Them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons on their own!
Ha ha!
You wanna go restart the rotor turbines this time?
I think I just stepped on the cat.

 

by DragonXero
12-28-04
Hey gorgeous, how're you?
Ugh, fuck off loser. I'm here with my boyfriend.
You want to come home with me. You find me irresistable.
Please, I love you, take me home with you!
Get off my shit, bitch. You ain't worth my time. Besides, I'm just here with my buddies.
Please! I NEED YOU!

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Unnngh.
Where are my pants?
Who're you and why am I wearing your pants?

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Okay, got my pants, found my keys...
I'm ready for more booze.
We will never speak of this again.
Speak of what?

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Man, I am never drinking again. Ever.
Dude, so you slept with a guy when you were drunk. It doesn't mean you're gay. I mean, who HASN'T done it?
Me.
Shut up. You're a lesbian. Who BESIDES her hasn't?

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
I can't believe I slept with a guy!
Wait, are you talking about that "guy" in the green hat that was holding the pilsner?
Duh! Of course dude! The one who was wearing MY freaking pants!
Um, hey, dude, you realize that was Miss Clara, the male impersonator, right? She's actually pretty hot without her costume.
I really don't know how to feel right now.
Well, why don't you ask her? She's right behind you...

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Hi.
GYAH! Uh, um, Miss Clara I presume?
Sure am. You were great. And your pants were quite comfortable.
I.. I was? They are? Umm. thanks? Um, wait, what was that I felt.. down there?
Strapon. Gotta complete the effect when I'm in costume.
I still don't know how to feel.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Don't worry! I didn't use it on you. It was purely straight. 'Cept for when you were caressing my stubble.
Uh... yeah. Let's not mention that part. So, if you didn't use the strapon on me, why is my ass sore this morning?!
Uhhh, that would be because in the heat of passion, you backed up against the coat rack.
I wondered why there were splinters down there.
Umm... it's a metal coat rack.
Now I REALLY don't know how to feel.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
So, any idea how I could have POSSIBLY gotten cornholed by a wooden, cylindrical object?
♫whistle♫
I am NEVER going to another party with you. Especially when you bring your axe.
♫whistle♫

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Hello friend Axion.
Hi Spectre! How's life been?
It's been decent enough. Except that my girlfriend got kidnapped again. Wanna go on another adventure?
Hrm, lemme think abo- no.
Oh come on. I'll give you all the Pepsi Twist and Vanilla Coke you want!
No. Dammit. Unless you can go back in time and buy me a case of Crystal Pepsi, no deal.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Sorry, no can do on the Crystal Pepsi. I'll buy you a new GeForce FX card and Doom3.
Add Half-Life 2 and Farcry in, and get me some DSL, then you're on.
Ugh. Alright. To the quest we go, to save my girlfriend!
Yeah, about that? Could you shut the fuck up about that?
Spectre: 1,000hp; Axion 99,999hp
Er, alright, sure, I- What the hell?
I think those are our stat bars.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Spectre: 1,000hp; Axion: 99,999hp
Why the hell do you have so much more HP than me?
While you've been screwing your brains out, I've been training. You're whipped dude.
Spectre: 1,000hp; Axion: 99,999hp
Why you little fuckwit! *slash*
OW! fucker!
Spectre: 1,000hp; Axion: 99,998hp
Holy shit dude.
I'm a level 34 necromancer now. I don't even use my "Run away" tactic anymore.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
So, you'll join me on my new Epic Quest?
Sure. But we better face some kickass monsters. I need more exp.
*You* need more exp?! How about level 6 dark mage here?!
Oh right. Well, we'll let you kill a few rats along the way!
Rats? What, I can't fight monsters?
This is the second quest. The monsters are always tougher in the sequels. You really should have trained.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Alright, from what the note said, this will be a short quest. Through Golorn Forrest and into Shaggroth Mountain.
Man. I was hoping for some good shit... um...
What?
You know what? I've never seen you under that cloak. What DO you look like anyway?
This.
GAH!! GAHGAHGAH!!! PUT IT BACK ON, PUT IT BACK ON!!!

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Told you.
Never, ever, EVER do that again!
Jeez. Give a guy a break.
Come on, I think I saw a hideous monster over that way!
Over that way:
*sigh* Some things never change.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Wait, you're not a monster. You're just that demon, from the cave.
I.. I can be a fearsome monster! Watch! *squeak*
*cough* Squeak? Pfftt.. HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHA
*sniff* Fine, be that way. Let's battle to the death.
Axion: 99,998hp; Monster: 9,999,999hp
Okay, why no- WHAT THE HELL!?
I've been training too.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Looks like this match will be a little tougher than our first! Luckily, I know just the spell for this occasion!
What are you talking about?
Høøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøøørgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Axion: HP: (3ad3lf90g829x2398fw)x2^4
I SHALL SMITE YOU.
I'm just.. going to run away now...

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Whoa. You don't need exp. What the hell is this new.. power?
Nnngh. Ascended form. I can only hold it for about five rounds of battle. After that, *poof*, back to normal.
*shhhhk*
That's... that's awesome. Can you teach me?
It's painful and draining. Only a level 20 dark mage or necromancer can accomplish it.
Why Axion, you've grown up.
Belittle me again and you'll find out just how much.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Well, you may have learned some nifty tricks, but I still have something you don't.
Oh? And what is that?
You will teach me your powers.
I think not.
*hurk* what the hell?
When we last met, you were the teacher and I was but a learner, but now, I am the master. Bitch.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
We now interrupt the Epic Quest with a commercial. Thank us later.
Let's all go to the lobby! Let's all go to the lobby!
Let's all go to the lobbbbyyyyyyy-
OH GOD! OH LORD!
I CAN FEEL MY SKIN BURNING OFF! MY FLESH IS DISINTIGRATING!
And they all lived happily never after.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
*kaff* Damn, I don't know if I like you being this powerful.
Just be thankful the writers didn't go back to the original trilogy and change anything...
LUCAS! Ahahahaha!
LUCAS! Hahahaha!
Sez You.
PUT US BACK!
I feel funny.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
*whew* That feels better. Hey, wait, we're not in the Kingdom of Azanon anymore.
Really? What was your first clue?
Spectre: 255hp; Axion: 255hp
Well, for one thing, our stat points have been reset.
OH GOD NO!! NOOOO!!!!!
Relax. I still know all my spells. You probably do too.
But, but, spells without wicked-high stat points are useless! I need to relearn "Run away screaming like a girl" now!!!

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Well, according to the shopkeep in the last villiage, we're in the Land of Forgoth
Forgoth? Goddamn, who names this shit?
I would guess the same writers who were considering making this a prequel.
LUCAS! HAHAHAHAHA
No. Remember last time?
Eeek.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
I feel extremely vulnerable now. 255hp? What's next? 255 rupees max?
Why don't you try your Ascended powerup?
Høøøøøøøøørgh!!!!!!
Axion: 310hp; Spectre: 255hp
Oh yeah. I'm screwed.
You know what? Girlfriends are a dime a dozen. Extra lives are not.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Great. Stuck in a foreign land, and now I can't descend. I am going to kick the everliving snot out of you when we get back.
I think not, mr. "I'm not powerful anymore" You will not lay a finger on me when we get back.
OW! OW! I'M SORRY! THAT'S MY SPLEEN! AUGH! I'M BLEEDING! MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!!!

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Howdy. You gents having fun yet?
What the?
Hello Spectre.
Gemmine? What are you do- I thought you were kidnapped!
Hahaha, kidnapped! That's funny. No, actually, I came here to get away from you. I was sick of "you want to polish my knob" every twenty minutes.
You, but, I.. I just...

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Now, could you two just get off our land?
"Our" land? Wait, what about the note? What do you mean "our"??
The note? Oh, right. I was hoping you'd die or something. And I'd like you to meet my boyfriend. Clem?
B-b-b-b-boyfriend?!
Howdy, pardner.
You are my new mortal enemy.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
A couple hours later...
*sob* *whimper* *cry*
Get ahold of yourself man. Look at me, I'm blue and I'm not even as blue as you.
*sob* You don't understand! I loved her!
That's why you used your mind powers to force her to have sex with you?
*whimper* YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ME!
I understand that you're standing on my foot.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
*sniff* Oh well. Who needs women anyway? I got you.
DUDE, I told you TWO YEARS AGO, I'm not like that!
No, I mean, we can keep going on adventures, forget the women!
Seriously, I'm telling you for the last time, I'm not that way!
Not what way?
Let's just get home.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Hours later...
We've been wandering for hours. How the hell do we get home now?
Hell if I know man. You're the one who got us here...
Meanwhile:
Muahahahahaha, Axion and Spectre, I will have your powers! As soon as you re-enter your home land, I will use the Rupee of Evenlach to steal your power! I will rule all the lands!
*sigh*
W- what?
God DAMN that's a stupid plan.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Hi everyone! I'm DragonXero, the creator of the Epic Quest series!
Now, I've heard some complaints about my strips. Some say the prequel (Epic Quest Redeux) is neither a prequel, nor good.
Well fuck you.
I've also heard that people are complaining that Chapter 3 will just be a big fight scene, and has nothing to do with the original books.
Well, there was no original book.
And fuck you. I'm neither Geroge Lucas nor Peter Jackson. Stop confusing us.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
It would be the war to end all wars. The oceans would boil and burn.
The hills and valleys would be stained red with the blood of millions.
Only two heros can avert this disaster...
Goddammit, we're going in circles.
Shut up, I know where we are.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Okay, according to this map that the villager (who looks a lot like the last 543 villagers we've seen) gave to me, we should be almost there.
This better be right.
Then:
Muahahaha, yes, just keep walking toward your home little "heroes". I will destroy all that you hold dear!!
*guh*
Okay, what the hell is it now?
You are so damn gay.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Why do you have to call everything you don't like "gay"? Are you a homophobe or something?
What? No, I...
Only homophobes and closet gay men call everything "gay", so which are you?
Well, since I came out of the closet ten months ago, I guess neither.
God I love you.
Priorities!

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Soon, the heroes will be my victims, and we shall rule this land as husband and.. husband!
God you turn me on sometimes, I just-
MY LOVE! WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?!
Shit. I knew we should have taken a right. This temple is a dump!
Ewwww, I think I have a mad genius squirrel splattered all over my shoe. Hold on, I gotta go wipe this off in the grass.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Welcome back. Hey, look, out the other side of the temple! It's HOME!!
Sweet! Last one there is a rotten egg!
Wh-why? Why did it have to happen to him?

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Oh, wait. We're still not home.
Really? I didn't notice. I was too busy worrying about the fact that I'm still at 301 fucking HP!
*fssshhhhhtt*
Make that 255.
Goddamnsonofabitch.
We're never going to get home.
You know what? I don't think I really care anymore. And you still owe me some tech toys.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
Oh, yeah. About that. I left my wallet at home.
God damn it. I want my computer stuff!!
Sorry man. We gotta get home to do that.
How many times must I beat the living snot out of you?
Hah. Don't try shit here. We're the same power level.
Semantics.

 

by DragonXero
12-31-04
And so, our heroes continued to search for the exit, the path home to Spectre's money.
They found harsh terrain as well as many great battles. Both Axion and Specre became level 45.
Axion began to enjoy his life in this new wo-
God DAMN would you shut up?!
Seriously. I thought we got rid of you at the end of our FIRST quest!

Showing page 17.

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