All comics by evil_d

Profile

 

by evil_d
8-03-16
Illegal aliens? How'd you get in here? I built a wall and everything!
I'm not the kind of alien that's from Mexico, I'm the kind of alien that's from outer space.
Well then I'll build a wall around the whole planet if that's what it takes!
Soon:

 

by evil_d
10-06-16
Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?
No, officer, I—
Tell him we sold it all at the last rest stop!
...okay, sir, please step out of the car.
I swear to god, Martha.
Tell him if he wants me to touch him I'll only do it over the clothes!

 

by evil_d
11-14-16
I'm telling you, a Trump presidency is nothing to worry about. There are good reasons to think he won't do any of the things he said he'd do, and I'll explain why.
This ought to be good.
Suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack!

 

by evil_d
11-14-16
Welcome to You Win version 1.3.45961! Press [Start] to begin.
[Start]
You win!
Well, at least I didn't buy You Lose.

 

by evil_d
11-24-16
Jeez, Marcia. What's with the grim reaper costume?
This isn't a costume, it's a solar panel cloak. I decided I should start using clean energy sources to power my personal electronics.
So it takes all that surface area just to charge your phone?
I don't have a cell phone. This cloak is for powering my Hitachi Magic Staff.
*brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*

 

The next day
*brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*
*brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*
by evil_d, 11-24-16

 

by evil_d
12-05-16
Mr. President, I got the Big League Chew you asked for. It's on your desk.
What? I didn't ask you for a Big League Chew, I called you a big league Jew.
By the way, you're fired. Everyone knows Jews are no good at politics. Sad!
I can't believe I came in on the Sabbath for this.

 
by evil_d, 2-01-17

 

by evil_d
2-08-17
I've called this press conference, or "in-person tweet" as I think of it, to introduce my pick for Secretary of Treasure.
Don't you mean "the Treasury"?
No. Meet Captain Blacksareinferior, I mean Blackbeard.
A pirate?? Isn't that like putting a fox in charge of the henhouse?
Boy, you guys are really not going to like my Secretary of Henhouses.

 

by evil_d
2-09-17
Hi, I'm Rick Grimes. Can my band of battle-hardened and emotionally damaged zombie apocalypse survivors come live with you?
Well sure! We've built a stable, functional community here, and if we can't share that with our fellow survivors, then what's the point of it all, am I right?
Two weeks later
This definitely would have happened whether or not we came along, okay?

 

Okay, your appointment is scheduled for Tuesday at 9:00. Please arrive 15 minutes early to fill out paperwork.
Mofo, if I could get there at 8:45, I wouldn't have asked for a 9:00 appointment!
by evil_d, 2-13-17

 

by evil_d
2-22-17
I've just come from cleaning up a terrible mess down at the docks! A xebec carrying xylidine was capsized!
Did you cause this accident yourself, Captain Scrabble?
Well I—that is—but it was worth so many points!!
Wreaking havoc for your own personal gain! You can bet there will be consequences for this!
I'm thinking Secretary of Commerce.

 

by evil_d
3-01-17
We're making a new car that's a knock-off of the Ford Fiesta, but we need a name for it.
I've got it!
My wife and I are looking for something adventurous. Something you wouldn't expect a boring couple like us to be seen in.
Then you should try a Kia Party! It's a little bit risky, but very affordable and a whole lotta fun!
Will there be enough room for all of our friends?
Absolutely! The more people you fit in your Kia Party, the better!

 

by evil_d
3-14-17
What ho, Publius!
Well met, Toysrus! Are you going to the Colosseum today to watch the lions fight?
I heard they couldn't get any lions. Had to use substitutes.
Substitutes? Like what?

 

by evil_d
3-14-17
What ho, Secundus!
Well met, Streptococcus! Are you going down to watch the crucifixions today?
Oh, they've outlawed that barbarous practice. Replaced it with something more humane.
Please just crucify me.

 

by evil_d
3-16-17
Son! Someone hacked my face book again!
I keep telling you, Dad, this wouldn't happen if you used stronger passwords. You can't keep using "123456" for everything.
One two three four five SIX? Look at mister fancy pants over here!

 

by evil_d
3-20-17
"123456"
Sorry, your password must be at least seven characters long, and must contain at least one of each of these: a lowercase letter, an uppercase letter, a number, a punctuation mark,
an emoji, a kanji, a kireji, a hieroglyph, a space, a backspace, an onomatopoeia, a chemical formula, a catchy tune,
a line from one of the lost plays of Aristophanes, Donald Trump's adjusted gross income for any year, a verse of scripture from the one true religion,

 

by evil_d
3-28-17
I asked you to make something that I could award to the winner of our pinewood derby.
But what I unwrapped, in front of the whole troop and their parents, was a small statue of what appeared to be a feline's hindquarters.
Is that a problem?
Problem?? It's a catasstrophy!

 

by evil_d
3-29-17
1:00
2:00
3:00

 

by evil_d
3-29-17
7 am
I need seventy 2x4s and some wood screws. I'm building a deck!
8 am
Okay, turns out I need a bunch more stuff. Some landscape stakes, wood glue, primer, sealer, a saw, and a lot more lumber in different sizes.
9 am
What do you need now?
The phone number of a good contractor.

 

by evil_d
4-28-17
Hello, can I help you?
yeah i gotta appointment for the 22th
Um... today's only the 19th.
yeah thats right i gotta appointment for the 19th for 22th
I'm not understanding. Are you saying you have a 19th appointment and a 22nd appointment?
i think yer dentist is gonna need longer'n twenty second to look at my twenty tooth

 

by evil_d
6-13-17
Andrew, I've sent you a batch of employee performance reviews. I want you to go through and weed out the lazy ones.
Haha, nobody says "weed out" Mr. Davis, you mean you want me to smoke them up.
I'm not asking you to give them marijuana, you nitwit. I'm asking you to sort them out so we can get rid of them!
So wait... we're firing the lazy people?
Yes!
Man... working for a company that makes pot holders has been so different from what I expected.

 

I can't believe you slept with that floozy from down the street, Karl! I'm leaving you!
I'm sorry, baby! But my principles dictate that I must give my love to each woman according to her need!
by evil_d, 7-08-17

 

by evil_d
7-19-17
It's true what you've heard. My species has been responsible for many advances in human culture.
So aliens really were involved in the founding of Rome! And the building of the pyramids!
Yes and yes.
And the UFO crash at Roswell!
No, actually that was Aztecs with time machines.

 

by evil_d
7-26-17
I want you to be my new press secretary because everybody knows that Vulcans never lie.
That seems like it would cramp your style.
Naw, it'll be fine. I'll lie to you, and then you can give the press a truthful account of what I said. It's a win/win!
That's not what a "win/win" is.
I only have to pay you guys once every seven years, right?

 

by evil_d
7-27-17
I want you to be my new press secretary because everybody knows that robots can't lie.
What? Who said we can't lie? You want me to lie about something?
Yes, you dummy, that's exactly what I want. But we're going to call you "Truth-Bot 3000" and say that your programming prevents you from ever being wrong.
Press secretary—what an honor! I'm so happy I could piss on you! I mean kiss you!
You know what, never mind. Get out.
Aw. Now I feel as sad as a president who only got a small crowd at his inauguration.

 

by evil_d
7-27-17
I'm at the end of my rope here, Zombie George Washington.
I need a press secretary who people will believe, and everybody knows the story of how you couldn't lie about chopping down that cherry tree.
So just toe the line and I'll make sure you have all the wooden teeth and zombie hookers you can handle.
Donnie... you's a busta.

 

by evil_d
7-27-17
I like my press secretaries like I like my wives: much younger than me, and willing to offer superficial encouragement while letting me do whatever I want.
So after my speech at the Jamboree, I thought, of course! I should get myself a Boy Scout!
Don't worry, Mr. Trump; I learned everything I need to know from your speech. The media is fake, crowds are big, and you won the election and fixed the economy through sheer charisma.
Perfect. You're hired.
Can you pay me in sex yachts?

 

by evil_d
8-02-17
He's a robot... and he's another robot of identical construction!
However, they've been programmed to prefer temperatures that are 0.0001 degrees apart!
I'm burning up in here!
What, you want me to freeze to death?
Watch all the wacky antics that they get up to!
I still agree with you on all other matters.
As do I.

 

by evil_d
9-05-17
I've found it! The world's smallest violin!
Can you believe it? I ask for a venti half-caf soy latte with two shots of caramel and they give me one shot! How hard is it to get a decent coffee in this town?
And not a moment too soon!

 

by evil_d
9-13-17
Look, I didn't ask for white people to be naturally more intelligent.
I'm just saying, since we are, it only makes sense for our society to be organized accordingly.
Let me ask you, what all are you doing with your naturally superior intelligence?
Yesterday I solved the New York Times crossword puzzle in 30 minutes.
Thursdays are for chumps. Call me back when you can solve a Saturday.

 

by evil_d
9-14-17
I don't know where I went wrong with you, son. You're fat, lazy, and unemployed. You've spent the last 3 days smoking pot and watching TV non-stop. What are you even doing with your life?
Proving white supremacists wrong.
Carry on, then.

 

by evil_d
9-18-17
It's not fair for me to be treated differently just because I'm white.
Okay.

 

by evil_d
9-28-17
Please don't be alarmed. We merely need to run a few tests to update our data on your species.
Are you going to use one of those anal probes on me?
Oh heavens no. Those are old technology.
Oh, thank god.
These urethral probes are much more sophisticated.

 

by evil_d
10-09-17
Hello, Ms. West, this is your gynecologist's office calling.
You've been postponing your appointment for a while, but it's very important.
I'm afraid we must go down and see you sometime.

 

by evil_d
10-22-17
Are those needle marks on your arms? Don't think I don't know what that means, young lady!!
Calm down, mom! They're from giving blood!
Oh. Well... that's good then. I'm proud of you.
Just a couple more pints and we'll have enough to summon Yo'phuthogugl.
I hope he eats my bitch mom first.

 

by evil_d
10-25-17
Sally says she doesn't want to date me, but with this voodoo doll I can convince her otherwise....
I had the weirdest dream last night.
Oh?
Yeah... I dreamed I was having awful sex with some ugly schmuck.

 

by evil_d
11-10-17
Verily, I didst loft the ball in a forward direction, and it travelled over half a score of yards.
'Tis so, yet my sorcerous portal didst capture that ball, and transport it two score yards abaft, where it didst strike the earth. 'Tis fourth down.
'Twould be so, had not my goblinback retrieved the ball upon its bounce, and sped with all haste towards yon end zone, in yards covering nearly three score.
Which base trickery ought to have been observed, and denounced forthwith as knavery. Forsooth, is ye olde ref blind?
Nay.

 

by evil_d
11-10-17
My fantasy football league is going great this year!
Oh yeah? What's happened?
Well, last weekend I picked up A.J. Green...
Nice!
Then I took him home and we fucked.

 

by evil_d
11-15-17
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Everyone thinks it is the best here are some testimonials!
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by evil_d
12-01-17
Hot enough for ya?
Hot enough for ya?
Hot enough for ya?

 

by evil_d
12-14-17
I'm sorry, Santa. This year I cheated in school and lied to my parents. Also I didn't feed my dog and it died.
Timmy, you didn't grope any of the girls in your class, so by 2017 standards you're a goddamn saint. Enjoy your Playstation.

 

by evil_d
12-14-17
As you know, Billy, "naughty" and "nice" are relative terms. It's okay to be a little naughty, as long as you're nicer than 50% of your peers.
This year you're exactly in that 50th percentile. So it comes down to tiebreakers.
"Tiebreakers"? Like what?
Total number of swear words used, kilowatt-hours of non-renewable electricity consumed, and length of time spent listening to anything by Chris Brown.

 

by evil_d
12-14-17
Aren't you a little old to be visiting Santa?
The last time you told me whether I was naughty or nice was when I was six years old. I've gone eight decades without a moral report card and now I have no idea where I stand!
I'll probably die soon and I need to know where I'm going. Should I spend my remaining time in a flurry of virtuous activity?
Honestly, man, at this point what could you do to change course? To overturn a lifetime of good or bad acts?
I could tell the police where those kids' bodies are buried. That'd probably count for something.

 

by evil_d
12-15-17
Hi Santa, it's Harvey Weinstein.
Lump of coal. NEXT!
Kevin Spacey here.
Loved you in House of Cards. Lump of coal. NEXT!
Matt Lauer, and before you say anything you should know that having lumps of coal shoved up my ass is my fetish.
Baseball bat with barbed wire wrapped around it. NEXT!

 

by evil_d
12-15-17
I'm reviving the coal industry as fast as I can, Santa, but it's hard work!
I need more, you fat fuck, MORE! So many people have been naughty this year!
But people are saying it's bad for the environment! They're switching to solar and wind power!
Damn your excuses! I can't shine a ray of sunlight into someone's stocking!
Just tell me this won't affect our agreement!
You'll get your new eastern European bride when I get my anthracite!

 

by evil_d
12-16-17
Want to make sure you're on Santa's nice list, young lady? Give me your address and I'll double-check!
How about you, miss? Your phone number will work too!
Alright, Mr. Moore. You've been warned about this.
Who paid you to come here and do your job?? Was it the muslims? The sodomites?

 

by evil_d
12-19-17
I'll have the number one combo, please.
Can I get a name for that order?
I guess... we could call it Fred?

 

by evil_d
12-20-17
Here's what I don't get, Santa. There are almost two billion children in the world. How can you possibly keep track of a list that long? Where do you even put it?
Santa's gotten with the times, my dear! All of that data is stored in the cloud now!
Earlier, at the North Pole:
https://en.wikipedia .org/wiki/List_of_ children_who_were_ nice_in_2017

 

by evil_d
1-08-18
How much would you charge to write a three-page essay on A Midsummer Night's Dream for me?
That's easy. Fifteen dollars.
And how much if it has to be single-spaced and in Times New Roman?
Whoa there, Hemingway.

Showing page 17.

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