All comics by umfumdisi

Profile

 

by umfumdisi
4-14-05
So Suzie reached into her thong / (though she'd feared to all along). / And, surely enough, there was no thatch / where there had always been a patch!
And, though Suzie checked it double, / there wasn't even any stubble-- / Just bare skin where hair had been.... / How had it gotten on her chin?
So in her mind a thought did hatch, / And it did cause her head to scratch. / Suzie could not ignore the facts: / She cried, "Where is the patch? / Where is the patch upon my snatch!?!"

 

by umfumdisi
4-14-05
Even though she was Hispanic, / Little Suzie did not panic. / And it did not even faze her / to go and fetch a razor.
Suzie made sure her chin was shaved / (and that every hair was saved), / And, with quite much skill and grace, / Every hair down there replaced!
Though it may seem it was a dream, / This story's real; let us reveal...
Cause Little Suzie's rather smart, / and now daily does her part. / She takes time to shave her snatch / and her chin to be safe, natch! THE END.

 

by umfumdisi
4-14-05
You again?

 

by umfumdisi
4-14-05
Pardon, I was wondering if you could help me find a gift for my cousin Amy.
Sorry, pal, I don't work here.
Of course you don't! I could tell by your beauty and sense of style that you might be able to help me.
Oh, thank you! Tell me, did you learn these pick-up lines from a book?
It's a book-on-tape, actually. Hello?

 

by umfumdisi
4-14-05
Hey, neighbor, why the long face?
Ah, it's my wife. Every time I mow the lawn she says the same thing, "Thanks, honey, the yard looks great."
Of course it looks great, you just friggin' mowed it!
Exactly. Would it kill her to come up with a new saying? I'd like to hear, "Hey, sexy, why don't you come trim MY bush with your huge tool." I'd like to know how that feels.
Huge tool? I bet she'd like to know how that feels, too!

 

by umfumdisi
4-14-05
Damn, the bananas are EXTRA good today.
Hello, I am Banana Job Bot. I used to be Dish Bot.
Banana Job Bot?
I've been reprogrammed. Instead of washing dishes with my hands, I now clean and massage bananas with my mouth.
Did he just say "clean and massage with my mouth?"
After I helped the last monkey fella I met, he decided to call me the BJ Bot... I like that.

 

by umfumdisi
4-15-05
There ain't room enough fer both of us in this here subdivision.
Fine, let's duel. Turn, take five paces, and draw.

 

by umfumdisi
4-15-05
FIVE! What the hell?
Sucker!

 

by umfumdisi
4-15-05
That's an odd place for a doorbell... *DING DONG*
HELP!!
A few Ding Dongs later...
Ah well, guess nobody's home.
I've been locked out of my house since last November.

 
by umfumdisi, 4-21-05

 
by umfumdisi, 4-22-05

 
by umfumdisi, 4-22-05

 

This is Halloween, bitch! You better be glad there's another major holiday between us.
by umfumdisi, 4-26-05

 

by umfumdisi
4-26-05
Hey, wage slave, wanna hear a joke?
I was on my way to the men's room...
Well, don't get all pissed off about it!
Uh, is that the joke?
No. The joke is your W-2! HAR-HAR!!
No wonder nobody like accountants.

 

by umfumdisi
4-26-05
Okay, are you ready?
I guess.
*THRRRRRAAAPP!* Quick, build me a farthouse!
Damn dyslexia.

 

I wonder how long it will take for people to grow tired of our bits?
Probably one knight.
by umfumdisi, 4-26-05

 

by umfumdisi
4-26-05
You hold it. I'll cut it in half.
Why do you get to cut it?
I've got the knife.
Good point.
The edge is pretty sharp, too.

 

by umfumdisi
4-27-05
Tilly, I can't believe you wouldn't go out drinking with us last Friday night.
I would have gone out with you gals.
Money? You don't have to spend much money, girl. Just look at a dopey guy the right way, and you've earned yourself a free drink.
I can't tell if they're ignoring me or if they can't hear me over that damn Bign Crosby record.
Unless you're Amy, of course, then you give up the goose to anybody who takes a gander!
I'll take some of that paté, if you know what I mean!! HELLO?

 

by umfumdisi
4-27-05
This is the most boring theme park ever, and I've been to Dollywood!

 

by umfumdisi
4-27-05
Yeah, Frank, it's really Demi Moore.
She's been like that for four hours...
Ever since 9-1-1 told her that even they couldn't resuscitate her career.

 

Idiot! I said, "Break a leg."
by umfumdisi, 4-27-05

 

by umfumdisi
4-29-05
TAKE ONE:
Seltzer? I hardly even know her!
TAKE TWO:
What do you mean, "No pets?" How, then, are you going to make me a Gin and Cat-a-Tonic?
TAKE THREE:
Hey, baby, did you know there are 38 bottles of booze on that wall?
Did you know that Rain Man never got laid, either?

 

by umfumdisi
4-29-05
You'll never make it; you'll go insane first.
Nonsense.
Seriously, no one can mimic biped's comic style.
All I have to do is relax and explore my subconcious, delve the depths of my naked depravity, and locate the hidden beast within.
I see you made it! Would you like a celebratory taco? Perhaps I should wipe the drool off your chin...
Gunh.

 

by umfumdisi
4-29-05
This vodka martini could hardly be more dry 'less it had been mixed by WC Sellar and RJ Yeatman!
A-ha, ha. Quite.
I don't always know what the hell jes is talking about, but it sure sounds funny.

 

by umfumdisi
4-30-05
"Somewhere a clock strikes midnite
*BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG*
*BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG, BONG*
And there's a full moon in the sky
You.hear.a.dog.bark.in.the.distance.________________You.hear.someone's.baby.cry.
Arf, arf, arf.
Waaaaanhhhhhhh!

 

by umfumdisi
4-30-05
A rat runs down the alley.
And a chill runs down your spine
oooh yeah!
Someone walks across your grave. And you wish the sun would shine.
Walky Walky...
Why's it so damn dark today?

 

by umfumdisi
4-30-05
No one's gonna warn you
Hey, you! Ah, nevermind...
And no one's gonna yell attack
What is he waiting for?
And you don't feel the steel. Till it's hanging out your back.
help

 

by umfumdisi
4-30-05
I'm your Nite Owl, asleep in the day
*ZZZZZZZZZZZZ* *ZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
I'm your Nite Owl, get out of my way
Come on, fatass, don't block the buffet.
Look out for the Nite Owl, awake in the night. I'm the Nite Owl, make the funny just right."
save comic
What a hoot!

 

by umfumdisi
4-30-05
Hamlisch, Marvin. I wrote "The Way We Were."
Can't say I've ever heard that one.
What about "Nobody Does It Better" or "Through the Eyes of Love?"
"Through the Eyes of Love?"
Okay, okay, it's better known as "Theme from Ice Castles."
Bingo! That's my ringtone.

 

by umfumdisi
5-08-05
Hello, I'm Claudius. I enjoy greeting the sunrise, strutting about the barnyard, and crowing for no apparent reason. Let's see...I dislike foxes, weasels, and egg-sucking dogs.
Also, I'm five feet tall with black eyes and white plumage.
So, if you're into huge cocks, leave me a message at box #6042.

 

Zippy learns first-hand that stickmen do not have nuts.
by umfumdisi, 5-10-05

 

by umfumdisi
5-16-05
Hiya there, roomie, my name's Harold Philyaw Hackenbury, III.
Hey, I'm Charles Thomas Gallagher, the only.
Nice to meet you, Charles.
Actually, I go by Thomas. Good to meet you, too, Harold...or Phil.
Actually, everybody calls me Bubba.
Touché, Bubba.

 

by umfumdisi
5-16-05
It's our first night, but I want to let you know I won't be sleeping here in the dorm very much.
Oh yeah, why not?
I'm pledging over at Alpha Tau Mu, and I'll be staying at the frathouse a lot. I do have a legacy after all.
That's cool, Bubba, but I don't really care what kind of car you drive.
Car? What?? ...Oh, no. My Dad was an Alpha Tau. That means I have a legacy with the fraternity.
My bad. With that big ATM on your sweatshirt, I thought you were bragging about being rich.

 

by umfumdisi
5-16-05
Three weeks later...
11pm...another night without Bubba the Third. Think I'll hit the hay.
Three hours later...
*KNOCK KNOCK* Psst...hey...it's Bubba. Let me in.
*ZZZZZZZZZZ* Znarf-slork. Unga? 'Kay...hold on.
Sorry, dude. My "big brother" had a couple of girls in his room and kicked me out. I didn't have time to get my keys or nothin'.
Don't worry. Now I can get a jumpstart on my 5am shift at the restaurant.

 

by umfumdisi
5-16-05
Bubba?
Hey, Thomas-dude, what's up?
My level of concern, for one thing.
I'm good. It is Hell Week, after all. But don't tell anyone you saw me here.
You know, someone told me that having a legacy meant you didn't have to go through all those humiliating and abusive initiations.
Really?

 

by umfumdisi
5-16-05
Hey, Bubba, I'm glad you're here!
Really?
Yeah, I'm moving into another dorm tomorrow. I met a guy in one of my classes. His roomie never showed up, so I'm going to move in with him.
*Sob* You're moving because you hate me!
Bubba, I don't even know you.
Oh. Right.

 

by umfumdisi
6-16-05
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."
That's a positive sentiment. Which philosopher wrote it?
Sparkle.
The 18th-century rabbi Yosef Shparkl?
No, I read it on one of my Sparkle brand paper towels this morning. Surprised?
I'm surprised the Charmin people didn't think of the concept first.

 

by umfumdisi
6-20-05
OH MY GOD!!!
oh yeah, baby *pant, pant, pant* almost there
You know that Goat Cheese Pizza you're so crazy about?
Yeah!
Skip it.

 

by umfumdisi
6-21-05
I've reduced the coefficient of drag. If I can obviate the effects of friction with a superviscous colloidal, I just might create my Perpetual Graviton Generator!
Sorry to interrupt, dear.
Oh, Janet. Ready for our date?
Yes, we're meeting my parents at 6:00. Say, does this dress make me look fat?
Your weight really isn't a factor. It's that uneven distribution of mass... Janet?

 

Good thing this place only costs a leg, eh?
by umfumdisi, 6-24-05

 

How many times do I have to tell you not to put yourself on the table?
by umfumdisi, 6-24-05

 

by umfumdisi
6-25-05
Great to be here, Mr. Barker.
Thanks. Where do you hail from, sir?
Bug Tuggle, Tennessee. I'm a SPAM farmer.
SPAM farmer?
Hell yeah! Them pigs don't pulverize and squeeze themselves into the cans.

 

by umfumdisi
6-25-05
Hi, I'm Edward Norton. I'm dressed as a pig to help explain the concept of SPAM farming. Did you know that the name SPAM comes from a combination of the words "spiced" and "ham?"
Anyway, here at our production facility in Bug Tuggle, Tennessee, each pig ranges freely in the lush, grassy valleys. In addition, each pig receives daily "vitamin" shots to ensure proper growth.
Once the pigs have reached the proper height/weight ratio, they are escorted to an air-conditioned "resting" facility where their meat is processed and graded.
Once graded, only the best cuts of meat are sold to nationwide distributors for further processing into various high-quality pork products.
Everything else goes into "The Masher." Hooves, snouts, bone fragments--you name it! Once these leftovers are suitably mashed, tasty spices are added and mashed some more. Yum.
Then, the still raw amalgam is pressed between rollers and the large "meatsheets" pass through industrial ovens before being sliced up, slathered with slimy "meat jelly," and stuffed into SPAM cans.

 

by umfumdisi
6-25-05
Awright, little guy, time to visit the resting facility.
No, you don't understand. I'm Edward Norton. I just did a commercial for you guys, but I can't get out of this damn costume.
Right.
Seriously, I was in American History X, Fight Club, Rounders... Maybe you saw me in Death to Smoochy?
Pigs and their crazy stories... Nobody in their right mind would claim being in Death to Smoochy.

 

by umfumdisi
6-25-05
Ow, Doc, my stomach still really hurts. Did the X-rays come back?
Yes, it appears that you have small, segmented insects crawling throughout your digestive system.
You mean?
Yes. They might be G.I. ants.

 

by umfumdisi
6-25-05
Dagnabit, I say we should take the path.
Sonofabitch, I say we should take the way.
The path!
The way!
Gee, Dad, I thought we were going to see some football.
My fault, son, these are the Taoist Cowboys.

 

by umfumdisi
7-13-05
Pardon, do you know of any local bars that cater to men?
Yes, most of them.
Well, I mean to men especial.
You want a strip club?
No, the opposite.
So, "gay bar" isn't in your phrasebook?

 

by umfumdisi
7-13-05
Once you join the Honorable Ninja "family," you can save thousands on any vehicle in our previously-loved inventory.
Sounds great. How do I join your "family?"
Very simple. Just cut off both your pinky fingers.
Well, that is better than buying a car from General Motors.

 

So, anybody here have any saplings? Yeah, me too. Mine's a cute little son of a birch.
by umfumdisi, 7-13-05

 

by umfumdisi
7-14-05
You know what? I really enjoy cycling.
But I thought watching Le Tour would be more exciting in person.
Instead, what I've mostly seen is guys grunting, sweating, straining,
and losing control of their bodily functions in public.
I could have seen all that in the New York City subway.
Fromage!

Showing page 17.

« Previous Next »