All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
12-27-04
They had SUVs, PDAs, and a little round cell phone/that played obnoxious tunes, which made others groan.
Jabber jabber jabber jabber jibber jabber...
Ack! Suburbia invades!
They were toned and tan, obvious Cosmo readers/and I laughed when I saw them, (especially at the bleeders).
*snicker*
Grabs of delicately manicured nails, and twists of perfectly coiffed heads/soon gave me to know I had everything to dread.
Like, oh my god! $20 for a toaster!
ARGH!

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
They spoke not a word, but in unintelligable howls
OOOiiiOOOeee!
EEEooooIIIIuuu!
and filled their shopping carts, then fled with an ocean of scowls.
*snarl*
And throwing their credit cards at the much-abused clerks/left us in peace, while we muttered "Jerks!".
Jackasses...
EEEEEiiiiUUUUaaaa!

 

by ivytheplant
12-27-04
They rushed to their cars, to their kids gave a screech/And away they all flew like a tsunami leaving the beach.
OOOiiiOOOeee!
But I heard them exclaim, before they drove out of sight,.
This can't be good.
"Let's come back tomorrow morning and tomorrow night!"
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

 

by ivytheplant
12-29-04
October 1st.
I need you to stock the Christmas merchandise.
[hourglass icon]
November 1st.
[hourglass icon]
November 26th.
You're fired.
The merchandise is up.

 

by ivytheplant
12-29-04
December 26th.
I need you to stock the Valentine's Day merchandise.
[hourglass icon]
January 1st.
[hourglass icon]
January 31st.
You're fired.
The merchandise is up.

 

by ivytheplant
1-03-05
Well, look who's finally up. Mr. Life-Of-The-Party.
Oh shuttup. I wasn't that bad.
Riiiiiight. Like you'd remember playing Star Wars with a rolling pin.
You're exaggerating.
Later...
What the--? You didn't email these pictures to everyone, did you?
Not everyone. Dad does't have email, remember?

 

by ivytheplant
1-05-05
So how goes the cop-killing?
After bottoming out on all the drainage ditches and losing an axle in the White Hall Pot Hole, I had to ditch my Honda for a 4X4.
Which means now I'm being outrun by all the 'tekkers and fratboys who have gaudy ricers who have no idea how to drive in snow.
If I'm lucky, I'll beat them to Wal-Mart so I can get some guns and ammo, but that's only if I can afford to put gas in the tank to actually get there.
That's the most realistic game I've heard of.

 

by ivytheplant
1-05-05
There's got to be some cop-killing and hookers in this one.
Well, there is Glenda, who's the designated Whore of the West Side, but she's one of the living dead so I had to kill her.
Go to the Crack House. I bet there's something there you can use.
Damnit. I just skidded off the unpaved road into Kiwanis park. Now Parks & Recreation is after me.
Just stay away from the truck stops.
Too late. Some creepy trucker named Russ wants to be my butt buddy.

 

by ivytheplant
1-05-05
Hey, you finished your first mission!
Time to go to the bar and celebrate!
Look out! There's cops trying to hassle you!
I knew that stash of meth would come in handy for bribes.
Three hours later...
Holy crap! What did you do for a 5-star wanted level?
I lit a cigarette.

 

by ivytheplant
1-06-05
The cute upstairs neighbor broke up with his girlfriend.
You don't seem too upset about it.
Aloud, I said "I'm sorry," but inside, it was like Mardi Gras.
Ah, etiquette versus sex drive.
The drill and I are going upstairs.
If there is a god, that will be a non-sequitur.

 

by ivytheplant
1-06-05
Not playing your new game anymore?
Horrible. Everything was so expensive and it was way too easy to kill all the rich, fat tourists.
Realistic.
It was fun running over all the rich college students on ski vacations.
So why did you stop playing?
I got bored, then Yellowstone blew up and the game ended. I think I won.

 

by ivytheplant
1-06-05
I can't believe you're playing this. Our hometown doesn't even have a stoplight.
I'm hoping it has potential. I am so breaking traffic laws! Catch this coppers!
Cop. Singular. And he shot his foot off reloading his shotgun while driving down a dirt road, remember?
Look, I just totally outran him.
My car can outrun the Yellville police force!
I'm going to do some bootlegging now!

 

by ivytheplant
1-11-05
So we're finally even in our Vice Wars now.
I dunno. I was doing pretty good for a while with the latest addition..
I just added selling prescription medication to my tattoos and rampant sexcapades.
Shouldn't your whole sexual history put you in a lifetime lead?
Don't make me tell on you.
You might want to hide your diary in a more secure location. Away from someone with a Kinko's card, for example.

 

by ivytheplant
1-14-05
o/^ Zoning, zoning, over the open sea...o/^
Hey Ivy, when do you get off?
Every chance I get.
No...I mean...
I stand by my answer.
Gotcha.

 

by ivytheplant
1-14-05
What's going on?
We're throwing books in the trash compactor.
Give me a raise or I'll tell a literary advocate group.
If you want them, you're more than welcome to climb in the compactor and get 'em. I'll even push...I mean, watch.

 

by ivytheplant
1-14-05
o/^ "I'm a girl watcher!" o/^
Don't you just love the Wal-Mart Radio Network?
Not really. It's bland.
o/^ "Yeah I'm a girl watcher!" o/^
They play inoffensive music that everyone can enjoy!
Isn't this song about stalking women?
o/^ "My my my!" o/^
If you just did something with your makeup, I'm sure you'd fit in better.
So you admit that you support serial rapists?

 

by ivytheplant
1-14-05
o/^ "Zonging, zoning, over the open sea!" o/^
Attention Associates! Could I get Bob to Grocery for a lobster unlock?
!
I need Bob to Grocery for a lobster unlock! Thank you.
Fantasy Sequence...
Yar! I be needin' tah unlock ye, lobster scum!
You'll never catch me, copper!

 

by ivytheplant
1-14-05
1. Refrain from going between sudden temperature extremes.
Ivy, go feed the birds before the cats start using us as prey.
ColdcoldcoldcoldWhere the fuck is my coat?Coldcoldcoldcold
2. Drink plenty of non-sugary fluids.
You drank all the Dr Pepper again?
I prefer it to the pool water coming from the tap.
3. Get plenty of rest.
Must...stop...playing... Kingdom of Loathing!
[You are attacked by a Haunted Elbow Macaroni!]

 

by ivytheplant
1-18-05
What the hell are you doing?
I am putting my Wal-Mart flair on my vest!
Why do you need all that crap anyway?
I'm showing my Wal-Mart spirit, of course!
So, can you deflect arrows, or what?
Yes I can, Miss Smartypants!

 

by ivytheplant
1-18-05
You know that guy in Office Space...
Yes, I have seen Office Space and it is a very funny movie!
I was just wondering...
I know, I know. You're teasing me, trying to make me look like that guy in the movie, but it won't work, missy!
The Wal-Mart Spirit is strong in this one...
I must go too my post now! Give me a W!

 

by ivytheplant
1-18-05
So I heard you got into a little tussle with Tyler.
Who?
The cashier with all the flair.
Oh yeah. "Flair Boy." What a freak.
You might want to be careful who you say that too. There are more of them and they outnumber you.
What are they gonna do? Throw a SlimFast button at me?

 

by ivytheplant
1-18-05
You have been mocking me behind my back.
I do that to everyone who look and/or act stupid.
I am not being stupid! I'm showing true Wal-Mart spirit!
What's the difference?
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
You're right, I shouldn't be so mean. Let's go out to lunch. I know this great place in the junkyard...

 

by ivytheplant
1-18-05
Yo Flair Boy! Now I can deflect arrows too!
"Pagan and proud," "I see dumb people," Good kitty gone bad!?" That isn't Wal-Mart approved flair!
Actually it's neither approved nor disapproved. Wal-Mart only strongly encourages the use of their own flair.
Does that say "Ninja monkeys are meeting as we speak, plotting my demise!?"
Yes. Yes it does.
AAAIIIEEE!! My Wal-Mart approved flair has been defeated by your cleverly sarcastic non-team playing flair!

 

by ivytheplant
1-20-05
Blue & cream shorthair tortoiseshell. Sign: Pisces. Snuggly and cute with Ivy, but regards all others with suspicion. Queen of the Apartment.
I don't know you. Why should I let you in?
Cause I'll feed you?
Very needy as a result of being left along a lot as a kitten when Ivy was working and going to school full time. Was acquired while living in an apartment that didn't allow cats.
Purr. Knead. Snuggle.
Sweetie, mommy has to go to work. Please let me go.
Loves food a little too much. She can inhale cat treats before I've finished opening the jar. This leads to me torturing her by placing treats in fishbowls and other hard to reach areas.
There's a cat treat in that mirror! I must have it!
I am so going to hell...

 

by ivytheplant
1-20-05
Black longhair. Sign: Cancer. Loves everybody upon first introduction. Will be your friend for a tummy rub. Floofy and majestic-looking, yet will roll around on a dirty floor at a moment's notice.
Pet my tummy! *plop*
Um...I'm here about the plumbing...?
Was dropped on a pile of balloons as a kitten to see "what would happen." (He bounced). He loved the attention so much, he didn't mind at all.
Awww...
Purrrrr...
One of the major players in the 10PM frenzy. Causes more damage than than a bombing raid, yet is too cute for me to care.
*Crash! Boom! Bang!*
*Vvvvrrroooommm!*

 

by ivytheplant
1-20-05
Brown & black shorthair tortoiseshell. Sign: Cancer. Dainty, flirty, cutest thing on four legs. Unable to do anything non-cute. Litter-mate of Anubis, but had a part Siamese father. Yup, She's noisy.
Awww, she threw up on my carpet!
Purrr...
Loves boxes and antagonizing Lily (to a fault). I break up more fights between those two than I have patience.
I'm being watched...
Heh heh heh...
Has more cutesy nicknames than the other two combined. Princess, Peanut, Princess Peanut, Danger Butt, Pretty Little Princess, etc. Usually is hidden from public eyes in a box or under the bed.
*Cutesy baby-talk*
Purrrr...

 

by ivytheplant
1-21-05
1994
Arkansas.
So you, ah, know the president then, eh? Heh heh.
1999
Minnesota.
So how cold is it up there? Like Canada? You're practically Canadian, you know.
2005
Wyoming.
...who?

 

by ivytheplant
1-31-05
o/^ "...Pick up my guitar and play/Just like yesterday/Then I'll get on my knees and pray/We don't get fooled again!..." o/^
Hi, I'm Jorge, your new Store Manager.
Ivy, Garden Center Extrordinaire.
o/^ "Meet the new boss/Same as the old boss..." o/^

 

by ivytheplant
1-31-05
What the hell is this thing?
I dunno. It just appeared.
So you didn't buy it?
No. Too art deco for my taste.
Maybe we're supposed to worship it.
The cats don't like competition, remember.

 

by ivytheplant
1-31-05
Oh look, new graffiti. "I'm hot 4 Ur body"?
Those goddamned kids! I'm gonna have to teach them a lesson! *scribbles*
Later...
What the hell is this? "Ur is an ancient Mesopotamian city, not a pronoun contraction. The proper way is to say "you are" or "you're." Learn to spell you little fuckheads! - The Grammar Demon"

 

by ivytheplant
2-01-05
I'm often asked how many rednecks there are in Laramie. To my dismay, there are quite a few (though outnumbered by the fratboys with their "leet" ricers).
Interestingly, just like the "southern" accents found around here, rednecks aren't native to Wyoming.
The first kind hails from the south and has a preexisting redneck condition. They are usually the ones who settle in the West Laramie trailer parks, or worse, Bosler, Wyoming.
The second, and most prolific, kind are from heavily populated cities on the east and west coasts. You know those Pace salsa commercials where there's always some nerdy dumbass and his salsa from NYC?
That's what they are when they arrive here. In about a week, they can give the southern good ol' boys a run for their money.
Had City Slickers been true to life, Billy Crystal would have been swigging beer, spitting in his truck, and chewing on dead prairie dogs after the first five minutes.

 

by ivytheplant
2-01-05
Dood! Look at all those trucks! This town must be full of rednecks! Hahahaha!
Let me just mark this moment in my memory.
*speeds away in souped-up "l33t" ricer*
Dumbass.
January...
So how goes the tow business, Joe?
It's fantastic! Morons with their street racers stuck in 4 ft drifts. I can't wait until spring break with the usual 6 foot snowfall. All those kids will be so desperate to leave for vacation...

 

by ivytheplant
2-06-05

 

by ivytheplant
2-06-05

 

by ivytheplant
2-06-05

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-05
Got a spare roll of printer labels I can borrow?
Sure. It's in my cart, underneath the charcoal.
I thought we weren't supposed to be using carts anymore to transport freight.
Well I wasn't going to use the carts, but then everyone else started using them again so I did too.
If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?
Yeah, but I would use a different bridge. Cause I'm a rebel.

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-05
Ma'am, the label on the shelf says this Easter basket is $76.00.
If the label description matches the description on the basket, then it's the right price.
Well, it seems a bit expensive, but I guess I'll get it.
I assure you, we are striving to lower our prices.
Aren't you going to tell her that label is actually the price for an entire case of baskets?
Are you kidding? I've been waiting all day for that to happen!

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-05
1. "Get a Job"
I tried. Look what happened.
Do you have any Egg McMuffins?
2. "I Can't Get No (Satisfaction)"
*sob!*
Boy do I hate seeing a sexually frustrated, underpaid, grown plant cry.
3. "You Don't Own Me"
o/^ "I'm young and I love to be young! I'm free and I love to be free! To live my life the way I want! To say and do whatever I please!" o/^
Ivy, I'd like to see you in the manager's office.

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-05
Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I broke this Valentine's candle. I'll pay for it.
Nah, we don't make you pay for it. We just beat the sweatshop children for making an inferior product.
I think I'll go now.
Have a nice day!

 

by ivytheplant
2-07-05
Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I broke this Valentine's candle. I'll pay for it.
Don't worry about it. Actually, you just saved me the trouble. I've been dying to know what it feels like.*
Actually, that's why I opened the jar.
*perk*
*Gooey gel glitter candle with hard blobs of wax shaped like hearts. Looks like Entrail Jam
*poke*
Ewwww! Coooool!

 

by ivytheplant
2-08-05
1. Few cameras actually work. The security calls mean nothing. Merely a simple deterrent. Mostly they cover entrances and registers.
*looks around shiftily*
??
2. Placing stuff in bags and/or carrying a receipt (no matter how old) with you out the door is an easy way to liberate stuff.
*pulls a store bag from pocket*
!
3. Blue and green vests mean we don't care. Red and burgundy tend to squeal. No-vests (managerks) will incinerate you on the spot.
*steals stuff left and right*
Just as long as he doesn't leave me empty packages (and therefore lots of paperwork), I'll let him go.

 

by ivytheplant
2-08-05
October...
Take all the merchandise out of the PDQ trays. It saves room in the long run.
'k.
November - January...
o/^ "Stockin' tha floor! Stockin' tha floor!" o/^
February...
What the hell are you doing!? We need the merchandise in the PDQ trays whenever possible!
Of course.

 

by ivytheplant
2-08-05
Ivy, we have a code 1412 Level 3! I need you all up front to help check!
But if everyone's up front checking, then who will help the customers?
Um...
If I was shopping here and there was no one to help me get some expensive item off the shelf, I would just walk out and go to a competitor.
Look, could you just--
This may come as a shock, but people who work here occasionally go shopping. Quite often in other stores. We know shoddy service when we see it.

 

by ivytheplant
2-08-05
I need you up there NOW. When a Level 3 is called, you have to go up no matter what!
Fine, fine, but I need to finish what I'm doing.
When I said "now," I really mean now!
So, then should I leave hazardous materials and debris all over the floors, or what?
I give up...
Look, if you want to cause an accident, that's up to you, but don't blame me when some kid breaks their neck.

 

by ivytheplant
2-08-05
Ivy! Where are you?
I'm inside this Box Fort.
Yes, your Box Fort is the epitome of coolness, but why are you in there?
I'm hiding from Barb, in case she's mad at me for not going up front to check. I feel safe in here.
Well, if you have a moment, I need help moving some shelving.
Sure. Though suddenly my illusion of safety is making me bold. I must confess...I'm madly in love with you!

 

by ivytheplant
2-08-05
I need Ivy In Garden Center to come up to the front to help check!
They so wish.
Ivy, they called you up front to check. And your area looks clean. Let's go now!
Are you going to authorize my overtime?
What?
My shift is over. But I would be more than happy to help if that next paycheck is a bit fatter.

 

by ivytheplant
2-10-05
Look, I really don't mind working for Wal-Mart. It's not the best job in the world, but it's also not the worst. People think that my soul is in jeopardy, but that's hardly the case.
(After all, I don't work at a payday loan place). Though there are a few things about Wal-Mart that bother me. Not all that nonsense about the Wal-Mart "culture" and "family." That's easy to ignore.
Even the management doesn't really bother me, for I know that all over the world, there are asshole managers who wouldn't know good business practices if it chomped them on the butt.
What really bothers me is that we have to use our employee discount card every time we buy something, even a pack of gum or even when we won't get a discount.
Since the card has a magnetic strip and is tied into the home computer, this leads me to believe they are tracking all my purchases.
Which means I'm going to have to find someplace else to buy my supplies for the Doomsday Device. And that sucks, cause Wal-Mart really does have the lowest prices on interocitors.

 

by ivytheplant
2-11-05
"Oh boowite! It's twue! It's twue!"
*snerk* HAHAHAHA!
Later...
Ivy, you've been giggling all day. Share the joke!
Okay, but it's an inside joke so you won't get it.
Young lady, stop laughing right now! Wal-Mart doesn't approve of off-color jokes!
Then I've got a great one for you about a fellow from Nantucket.

 

by ivytheplant
2-12-05
- All but a few places are at least 10 years behind in most everything. Some places even more.
Check this out grandma! I got new parachute pants!
My, my, dear. Those are indeed bright colors for knickers!
- It's the home of Wal-Mart.
This is the Wal-Mart Home Office. Would you like a tour? There's a gift shop. It's "radical!"
Her hair is so big! I must look away, and yet, I am transfixed by its horrible beauty.
- It contains neither style, nor substance.
Come quick kids! NASCAR's on!

 

by ivytheplant
2-13-05
2 hours later...
*poke*
Welcome to Windows XP!

Showing page 18.

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