All comics by biped

Profile

 

by biped
2-14-05
Mister Flonase! Here's your new baby boy! Oh, Mister Flonase!
That's me. I'm Ed Flonase.
Oh...heh. Well...
Don't tell me the little rascal looks like the mailman. Ha, ha!
Err...is your mailman black, by any chance?
No, he -- huh?

 

by biped
2-14-05
If ah could talk to de animals, walk wiff de...oh, howdy, Mistuh Ed! Ah sho hopes you lahks yo' bran' new baby what done come outta mah "man-eggs"!
Yes, yes, DeWilbur, I -- huh?
Oh, Ed, WAAAAH-HAAAAH-HAAAAAA!!! I just wanted a little baby so bad -- I didn't think you'd mind! You always liked DeWilbur!
Well, I guess it's okay...but good god, Doris, you could've warned me or something. I almost had a fucking heart attack when I saw the little bastard.
Well, this was the worst fucking "Father-Son Picnic" ever.
No shit, Dad. Your co-workers sure are a bunch of goofy bastards.

 

by biped
2-14-05
Mom, I've finally realized my purpose in life. I'm going to run for President Of The United States.
Oh, how wonderful! You'll be the first bla -- uh, the first Afri -- er -- the first Flonase in the White House!
We're all so very proud of you, President Flonase, for being the very first black President. Oh, what a source of great pride you are to all your people.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Ah gots ta be meee, ah gots ta...howdy, Prezdint Flonase! Mah oh mah, ah sho am proud dat you comes from mah "man-eggs"!
HUH? You mean you -- she -- why, that fucking BITCH!

 

by biped
2-14-05
You -- you FUCKED DeWilbur Mumphrey, got PREGNANT, and had ME! No WONDER I'm so fucking DARK-COMPLECTED!
Oh, WAAAAAH-HAAAAH-HAAAAAAAA! DON'T HATE ME, SWEETIE! I JUST WANTED A LITTLE BABY TO LOVE! *SNIFF!*
Ladies and gentlemen...an important announcement... from the President Of The United States.
My fellow Americans, it has recently come to my attention...that I, your President...am black.
...an' dat's de story about how mah very own "man-eggs" done growed up ta be Prezdint O' De United States!
DAMN, dawg! I know some bitches'd pay MONEY fo' summa dat shit!

 

by biped
2-14-05
MAMMY! Guess whut? I's gonna be a MAN-HO!
Oh, LAWD! Mah li'l baby's done made de BIG TIME!
I wants ta be PREZDINT when ah grows up!
Me, TOO! I wants ta be Prezdint TOO!
...and that's why we only have BLACK Presidents now, DeWilbur III.
Holy MACKUL! You mean dey used ta be WHITE Prezdints TOO, Gran'pappy Flonase?

 

by biped
2-14-05
So I want to fuck your left foot and jizz on your toes...is that so bad? Am I such a terrible pervert?
Here, I've googled some websites that may help you...(shudder)... "relieve yourself."
Why don't wedding vows mention anything about these "fetish" things...?
Don't stub any of your toes while you're out, Debbie. Or let anyone step on your foot.
Feet, feet, feet...that's all he thinks about anymore...Mom was right...I should've married Chuck...
"COW EYEBALLS FOR RENT!" Am I saying that right? "COW EYEBALLS FOR RENT!" Hmm...she's not responding...guess I'd better check the translator again...

 

by biped
2-14-05
Well...bye, Debbie! Come back again REAL SOON!
Yeah, sure... (don't hold your breath, dickface...)
Omigod, she...she forgot to FLUSH!!!
HAPPY VALENTINE'S TURD!!!
I LOVE YOU, DEBBIE'S TURD!!! *WHIFFFFF!!!*

 

by biped
2-15-05
Fuck it.

 

by biped
2-16-05
What you doin' over here, boy? Git the hell back out there and sell dat ass!
I...I don't want to be a male prostitute anymore, Dingus...(drool)
Aww, is dat right? And what would you rather be, chicken boy?
A...clown...(frrrt)
Step right up an' fuck de clown! Fuck 'im till he beeps! He'll make ya dick feel funny!

 

by biped
2-16-05
Mommy, a schmuck at a bus stop just said the words "dick" and "lick" to me in the same sentence.
Oh, my GOD!!! My sweet, innocent BABY!!!
You SCHMUCK! You VIOLATED my -- oh my god, is that an ERECTION?
I don't know. Why don't you suck it and find out?

 

by biped
2-17-05
My house burned down last night.
Aww -- whattaya know.
My dog Fluffy burned up in the house. Oh, and my mom, too.
Nah, I kidnapped your mom. She's chained up in my basement.
Oh! Does (*sniff*) does that mean Fluffy's still alive, too?
No, Fluffy burned up.

 

by biped
2-17-05
Oww...Daddy, I need a kidney...
Tough. Get lost, ya little bastard.
OH, OWW, OWWW, IT HURTS!!! I'M DYING -- PLEASE GIVE ME ONE OF YOUR KIDNEYS, DADDY!!! PLEEEEEEASE!!!
I'll sell ya one. Ten thousand bucks. Cash.
You'll SELL me one of your kidneys? Your own SON? What a SCHMUCK!
I didn't say it was one of mine.

 

by biped
2-18-05
When the hell are you gonna let me outta here, you schmuck?
I don't know. I derive emotional sustenance from your plight.
Huh? Everything you say sounds DIRTY, you fucking PERVERT!
That's because you have a dirty mind. Now put the Carol Brady wig on again -- I'm feeling a bit amorous.
So...what about me?
Oh, you're free to leave, Fluffy.

 

by biped
2-18-05
You suck.
And how would you like to atone for that remark? Blow job, or buttocks made into new set of shoulders?
Daddy! The bad man threatened me!
Here comes my daddy, you big schmuck.
Well, I was gonna shove you headfirst up somebody's ass. Might as well be his.

 

by biped
2-18-05
Joseph, I've noticed that your recent behavior has been somewhat less than exemplary.
I know, Father O'Mallard. I'm lost and confused.
Would you like to give me your confession, my son?
Oh yes, Father, I would.
Five minutes later...
HOLY FUCKING SHIT-ON-A-STICK!!! YOU FUCKING SCHMUCK BASTARD!!!
Hail Mary, full of grace...

 

by biped
2-18-05
Mmm! Waitress, what's this delicious white, frosty substance on my dessert?
Oh, dat's jes "man-eggs." When de cook pulled out, it went all ova de place.

 

by biped
2-18-05
*gag* Where...where's the restroom?
You sittin' right next to it. De manager don't like you.
Damn, dude! I never saw anybody throw up that much! What'd you eat, anyway?
Cook...he...D'OH! Er...cookie dough.
You realize I'm suing the dog shit out of this restaurant, don't you?
Dat's aight -- I's jes fillin' in anyway. De regular waitress is in de hospital 'cause she accidentally ate here.

 

by biped
2-19-05
I done blowed his brains out, Granny.
Hmmph. I don't suppose he thought to mention all those fucking teabags, the schmuck.
HOLY SHIT! The schmuck's BRAINS are splattered all over the PARK!
Let's feed 'em to Fluffy!
Oh, CRAP -- I knew you'd show up one of these days. Well, there goes the neighborhood!
Blow me.

 

by biped
2-21-05
What's that you got in the mail?
Says here that ASWAN has nominated me to receive their highest award.
Wow, what an honor!
It also says I need to be at their downtown headquarters in 30 minutes to accept it. Could you give me a ride?
A ride? What happened to your car?
I traded it for a guillotine so I could chop people's heads off while I masturbate.

 

by biped
2-21-05
What's that you got in the mail?
Says here that ASWAN has nominated me to receive their highest award.
Wow, what an honor!
It also says I need to be at their downtown headquarters in 30 minutes to accept it. Could you give me a ride?
No, I traded my car for a guillotine so I could chop people's heads off while I -- ah-HA! Couldn't RESIST, COULD you?
But it's my TRADEMARK!

 

by biped
2-21-05
What's that you got in the mail?
Says here that ASWAN has nominated me to receive their highest award.
Wow, what an honor!
It also says I need to be at their downtown headquarters in 30 minutes to accept it. Could you give me a ride?
Well, this is the address. Texaco bathroom, corner of Cleveland and Fifth.
Maybe they're in the one with the picture of a lady on the door.

 

by biped
2-24-05
My dog ate your baby.
The apple had five hits of LSD in it.
I just urinated all over the permanent records.

 

by biped
2-27-05
Mom, there's an intense aching in my loins...
BILLY! No more PG13-rated movies for YOU, young man! "Loins", indeed!
What's this magazine under your -- *GASP!* "MUFF DIVERS"?!?
But I NEED it, Mom! I'll go CRAZY if I don't play with myself frequently!
Your mother asked me to have a word with you, Billy.
Wow -- do your loins burn with an unquenchable fire too, Father O'Mallard?

 

by biped
2-28-05
"NO, DOG-ON-BALL, NO!!! NOOO!!! OH, MY G-- YAAAAAHHHH!!!!!"
If you're a movie fan, you'll probably recognize this as the sound of a dog on a ball sawing Jay Leno's head off with a chainsaw.
Hi, I'm Tom Weaver. You may remember me from my recent commentary track for "The Wolf Man." And to my left -- the star of "The Dog-On-Ball Horror" -- Dog On Ball.
Hi, Tom. I'm happy to be here.
Are you ready to begin the commentary for this once-in-a-lifetime cinematic event?
Just one moment, Tom...I'm marking my territory. Ahhhhh...*sniff*...just smell that wonderful aroma of fetid dog urine. Okay, let's get started!

 

by biped
2-28-05
"HEE-HAW!!! ME SURPRISE HOUSEGUEST!!! WHERE ME SUPPOSED TO POOP, OFFICER LIMP-DICK? MEOW-MEOW!!!"
Ha, ha...Ted almost shit when I improvised that line. I discovered later that he really was terribly impotent at the time. Priceless.
"ME WANT MORE EGGS, BACON, AND WAFFLES!!! HURRY UP AND COOK MORE, BIG FAT UGLY BITCH-HOG!!! WOOF-WOOF!!!"
I understand that Maxine Waldorf, who played "Doris", was traumatized by the experience and is still undergoing intensive therapy. True?
That's right, Tom. And I enjoyed driving her right over the edge. But as a method actor, I need to stay in character at all times. Here -- this is an actual threat that made it into the movie.
"SHUT UP, BUTTFACE!!! ME STILL HUNGRY!!! ME KILL YOUR CHILDREN AND WOLF THEM DOWN NOW!!! BEEP-BEEP!!!"

 

by biped
2-28-05
Well, by this point, Maxine had lost all touch with reality, and did everything my character commanded her to -- which made for some really marvelous cinema, I think.
"HEE-HAW!!! ME YOUR HUSBAND NOW, BUTTFACE!!! LET'S FUCK!!! BOING-BWOING!!!"
And this, shockingly enough, is actual footage of Ms. Waldorf in her padded cell. Which the editor -- quite expertly, in my opinion -- incorporated into the film's final moments.
"I...fuck...doggies... for...waffles... ha, ha...ha... *drool*"
Well, it's been a pleasure, Dog On Ball -- let's do it again sometime. Oh, and -- how about saying it for the viewing audience and me? Just this once?
Oh, ha-ha -- "HEE HAW!!! ME GET CHAINSAW AND KILL YOU WITH IT!!! BOING-BWOING!!!" Thanks, Tom. Thanks, everybody.

 

by biped
2-28-05
Blooper #1
OH MY GOD, DOG-ON-BALL!!! YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO DO IT FOR REAL!!!
SO I SAWED JAY LENO'S FUCKING HEAD OFF!!! WHO GIVES A HOT FLYING SHIT!!!
Blooper #2
ME WANT MORE EGGS, WACON, AND BAFFLES!!! Oops, sorry -- I'm a little distracted. I just can't wait for the scene where we fuck.
The scene where we WHAT?!?
Blooper #3
Err -- does this mean I'm part of your "territory" now?
Well, Tom, your left leg is, anyway. Heh, heh.

 

by biped
2-28-05
Japanese version:
This round thing under my paws means that I am an untrustworthy canine. You are sad and misguided?
You have dishonored me -- I can no longer achieve fulfillment. May my death be swift and amusing.
You are a human female? Then bear me some children, so that I might eat them today. How frivolous I am -- do you agree?
Your ball has brought only shame to this house. I commend myself to the spirits of the wind and water.
Swahili version:
Wah-mah HABAY!!! Nah geh BOOT-AHH, EHH!!!
Si kom-BUKA!!! Nnhh (click-click!) nay-HI-YA moo-GOWAH!!! BEEP-BEEP!!!

 

by biped
2-28-05
Biff McGurk screen test
Ha-ha, me a dog on a ball. Me get a chainsaw and kill you. Uh, with it.
Hmm...
Where are they now?
I...like...the pretty... coloring book... Mommy... *slobber*
I...fuck...doggies... for...waffles... ha, ha...ha... *drool*
Fan reaction at premiere
Did you get his autograph?
No...but he URINATED on me!

 

by biped
3-01-05
What's that you got in the mail?
Says here that ASWAN has nominated me to receive their highest award.
Wow, what an honor!
It also says I need to be at their downtown headquarters in 30 minutes to accept it. Could you give me a ride?
Why do we always have to screw before you go somewhere?
Well, I don't want to have a throbbing boner when I accept the award.

 

by biped
3-01-05
What's that you got in the mail?
Says here that ASWAN has nominated me to receive their highest award.
Wow, what an honor!
It also says I need to be at their downtown headquarters in 30 minutes to accept it. Could you give me a ride?
No, I'd rather just stay here and tickle my butthole with an ostrich feather.
Okay. I'll call ASWAN and tell them I can't come due to you tickling your butthole.

 

by biped
3-01-05
What's that you got in the mail?
Says here that ASWAN has nominated me to receive their highest award.
Wow, what an honor!
It also says I need to be at their downtown headquarters in 30 minutes to accept it. Could you give me a ride?
Sure, I -- oops, I just turned into a coyote.
Do you still know how to drive a car?

 

by biped
3-02-05
Package for a Mister Reynolds! A Mister "Floyd" Reynolds!
It's TWO DAYS LATE, you FUCKING ASSHOLE!
Fucking ELVES! Ever since Santa Claus CROAKED ON THE TOILET, the little fuckers are popping up EVERYWHERE!
So, what was in the package, fuckface?
Ah, it was just some shit I ordered from -- hey, wait a minute! "FUCKFACE"?!?

 

by biped
3-02-05
WE GO TO WAR, MOTHERFUCKER!
Whatever you say, fuckface!
GRRRR! HE SAID IT AGAIN! I'm glad my orbiting death satellite is almost finished, Mom!
I'm just arming the flesh-shredding incineration missiles now, dear.
GOOD! I've gotta take a SHIT -- then we ATTACK!
Gee kitty, I sure hope Floyd enjoys the phosphorous grenades we installed in his toilet!

 

by biped
3-02-05
YAAAAAAAAA!!! MY ASSHOLE!!!
I'm sorry, Mr. Reynolds, but you're going to need a complete buttock transplant. I'll put you on the donor waiting list.
THAT DOES IT! I'm targeting a certain "Blaine Rivers" for a big-ass fucking MISSILE ATTACK!
Oh gosh, kitties, I hope Floyd doesn't mind that I've reset his entire targeting system to lock in on him instead of me!

 

by biped
3-02-05
There! That should do it! Heh, heh!
YAAAAAAAAA!!!!! OH GOD HELP ME!!!!!!
I'LL KILL YOU!!! IF IT'S THE LAST THING I EVER DO I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!!!
Oh, he'll get over it, kitty! Then we'll be friends again!

 

by biped
3-02-05
Well, I was in the hospital for six months, but now I'm BACK! And ready to KILL YOU!
Aww, Floyd -- let's be pals again! Just like we were before this silly misunderstanding!
"Remember the good times? Like the day I first found widdle Pooky Sweet-ums?"
Look! Me found kitty cat!
Me glad you found kitty cat!
Me glad you glad me found kitty cat!
Me glad you glad me glad you found kitty cat!

 

by biped
3-02-05
...me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad...
...you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you glad me glad you found kitty cat!
Wow! I'd forgotten what great friends we were! I'm sorry I got so mad, Blaine!
And I'm sorry I called you "fuckface"! It just sort of slipped out!
Oh, by the way...what WAS in that package?
Cat toys for your kitty cats, and a big, knobby vibrating butt plug for you! Happy belated birthday, Blaine!

 

by biped
3-02-05
Oh, dear...I think I pushed the wrong...oh, my...
I LOVE my new butt plug!
Me GLAD you love your new butt plug!
Package for a Mister Reynolds! A Mister "Floyd" --
OH, BOY! MY NEW BUTTOCKS!

 

by biped
3-03-05
I masturbated to the thought of you giving me a spanking last night. Shall we bring the fantasy to life today, my dear?
When you made me stand in the coatroom, I jerked off in the pocket of your angora sweater. I could feel your... closeness.
I know you told me not to tell anyone we'd had sex, but I just couldn't resist penning a passionate, descriptive letter to "Boy's Life."

 

by biped
3-05-05
Well, here I am in Incredi-ville.
Hey lady -- wanna see my dick?
No, I certainly don't. What's so incredible about that?
Well -- it's a midget dick.
Oh, okay. Let's see it.
TA-DAAAH! I call it "Pokey."

 

by biped
3-06-05
THESE SURE ARE FUNNY MAGAZINES WE FOUND UNDER MY DAD'S BED, HUH, JEFF!!! EVERYBODY IS NAKED IN THEM!!! CHUCKLE!!!
HA-HA!!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PEOPLE IN THEM ARE DOING, DO YOU, JOEY!!! THEY LOOK LIKE THEY ARE STUCK TOGETHER!!!
MOM!!! LOOK AT THESE MAGAZINES THAT HAVE FUNNY ACTIVITIES IN THEM!!! I THINK THE PEOPLE MUST BE PROFESSIONAL CIRCUS ACROBATS OR CLOWNS OR SOMETHING!!!
NO, JOEY!!! THESE MAGAZINES ARE NOT FOR YOU TO LOOK AT!!! YOUR FATHER SHOULD HAVE HIDDEN THEM BETTER!!! I MUST HAVE A WORD WITH HIM ABOUT THIS AT ONCE!!!
MOM SAID THOSE WERE SECRET MAGAZINES, JEFF!!! I THINK MY DAD MIGHT BE A GOVERNMENT SPY OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!!
WOW!!! I'LL BET THOSE PEOPLE WERE ENEMY AGENTS PLANNING TO TAKE OVER OUR COUNTRY!!! GEE, I'M SCARED, JOEY!!!

 

by biped
3-06-05
WOW!!! YOU SURE ARE FUN TO PLAY WITH FOR A GIRL, JUDY!!! WE BOTH LIKE MONSTER MOVIES AND VIDEOGAMES AND STUFF!!!
I THINK WE SHOULD START GOING STEADY, JOEY!!! WE COULD GET MARRIED SOMEDAY AND HAVE KIDS AND EVERYTHING!!!
MOM!!! JUDY WANTS FOR US TO GET MARRIED AND START HAVING KIDS!!! GEE WHIZ!!! I DON'T THINK I'M READY FOR THAT KIND OF COMMITMENT YET!!!
I DON'T THINK SHE MEANT RIGHT NOW, JOEY!!! YOU SHOULD WAIT TILL YOU BOTH GROW UP TO GET MARRIED!!! AND GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER FIRST!!!
MOM SAID WE SHOULDN'T GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW, JUDY!!! WE'RE STILL TOO YOUNG TO HAVE LITTLE KIDS AND SUPPORT THEM AND STUFF!!!
WHAT!!! YOU THOUGHT I WANTED TO HAVE KIDS NOW, JOEY!!! I MEANT LATER AFTER OUR BODIES HAVE MATURED LIKE IN THAT FILM IN HEALTH CLASS!!!

 

by biped
3-06-05
YOU MUST BE THE NEW KID IN SCHOOL!!! HI, MY NAME IS JOEY!!! WHAT IS YOUR NAME, DUDE!!!
MY NAME IS "SHUT UP"!!! HEY STUPID, LET'S GO PLAY CHICKEN SOCCER WITH FARMER SHAPIRO'S CHICKENS!!!
DAD!!! THE NEW KID IN SCHOOL CALLED ME "STUPID" AND TOLD ME HIS NAME WAS "SHUT UP"!!! AND HE TRIED TO GET ME TO PLAY CHICKEN SOCCER!!!
HE SOUNDS LIKE A BAD INFLUENCE, SON!!! YOU SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM HIM OR JUST IGNORE HIS TAUNTS AND SUGGESTIONS!!!
MY DAD SAID I SHOULD EITHER IGNORE OR STAY AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A BAD INFLUENCE ON ME!!!
PLEASE BE MY FRIEND, JOEY!!! I ONLY SAID THOSE THINGS SO YOU'D THINK I WAS A BIG SHOT!!! I'M REALLY NICE AND STUFF!!!

 

by biped
3-06-05
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS ASSIGNMENT, MISS CRABGILLS!!! WHY DO I NEED TO READ A DUMB BOOK LIKE "WUTHERING HEIGHTS"!!!
IT IS A GREAT CLASSIC AND WILL IMPROVE YOUR READING SKILLS, JOEY!!! GIVE IT A CHANCE!!! I THINK YOU WILL BE SURPRISED!!!
HEY, JEFF!!! IS THERE A COMIC BOOK ABOUT "WUTHERING HEIGHTS" THAT I COULD READ INSTEAD OF THIS BIG THICK BOOK!!!
HERE IS MY "CLASSICS ILLUSTRATED" COMIC BOOK VERSION OF IT, JOEY!!! YOU CAN PROBABLY READ IT IN TEN MINUTES!!!
...AND THEN HEATHCLIFF DIED OF A HEART ATTACK OR SOMETHING!!! THE END!!!
ARE YOU SURE YOU REALLY READ THE BOOK, JOEY!!! I DON'T REMEMBER AN AD FOR "SEA MONKEYS" IN "WUTHERING HEIGHTS"!!!

 

by biped
3-08-05
Gosh! I'd better hurry up and return this book to the school library. That's the responsible thing to do!
We call upon the best and the brightest of Earthlings to help us defeat the evil empire of Gorthon! Failure will mean the total enslavement of the entire universe! The innocent will be crushed!
Well, it's been a long series of incredible space battles, but we finally destroyed the Gorthonites and made the universe safe for decent, freedom-loving beings everywhere!
We could never have done it without you, Billy --you're the greatest sentient being who ever lived. Our children pray to you nightly -- our elders fervently worship you in the Holy Halls of Divinity.
And that's why it's two years overdue.
You're so full of shit.

 

by biped
3-08-05
Hello. My name is Luis Venitucci.
No, it isn't. You are Ted Armstrong.
I am Ted Armstrong?
I am Ted Armstrong.
Luis! Why joo say dis tin to me, ehh?

 

by biped
3-12-05
How could something like this happen?
Sir! The witness is ready to speak.
Tell us exactly what happened ma’am.
Well...
SURPRISE, Lightning Lass! I'm really SKELETON MAN!
Why, you DASTARDLY FIEND! I thought I killed you back in ish #237!

 

by biped
3-12-05
How could something like this happen?
Sir! The witness is ready to speak.
Tell us exactly what happened ma’am.
Well...
...I accidentally sucked his liver out through his dick.

 

by biped
3-12-05
How could something like this happen?
Sir! The witness is ready to speak.
Tell us exactly what happened ma’am.
Well...
Whew, what a day. Let's make love all night long, darling.
I thought you'd never ask, sugar titties.

Showing page 19.

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