All comics by jes_lawson

Profile

 

by jes_lawson
12-20-14
Chuck Norris is the 100th of Jay Z's problems.
He is also the solution to every problem.

 

by jes_lawson
1-13-15
Face front true believers, as we return to re enter the fantasy world of RPG!
Last time, our heroes were in the dangerous realms of the Birmingham Airport Novotel!
But first... a recap!

 

by jes_lawson
1-13-15
Ye Knight. The poor guy who takes the adventure seriously. The only one.
Forsooth!
The Wizard. Has access to a library of magic. No longer allowed within a mile of normal libraries. Or schools.
Look, I swear, I never touched that apprentice!
Professor X. Wait... what.... No! Stupid so called smart phones #£&@!!
I really shouldn't be here!

 

by jes_lawson
2-03-15
Jonathan, the Archer. Good with arrows, so, he'd rather be working at his old job in the pub...
For the last time, I did NOT kill the Star Trek franchise!
Frank, the motorcyclist duck. Breaks the fourth wall in a foul manner and... Hold on... what... a duck?!
Shut the fuck up jes_ , and get with the plot! This Fireblade's not gonna sell itself!
Here be our heroes! Let's reconvene at the court of the King of RPG Land!

 

by jes_lawson
2-04-15
Your Highness! I verily hear you have work for us!
Indeed. RPG land has been merged with Game of Thrones, so Tyrone Lannister will be taking over. Heed his commands.
Sire, surely thou mean Tyrion Lannister?
Nope, Tyrone...
S'up Knighty? Get us a flagon of Buckfast will ye?

 

by jes_lawson
2-04-15
It's OK Tyrone, you *can* be a benevolent king for RPG Land. It doesn't matter that no-one can pronounce your name right,
You have a Masters in Engineering from Stanford... Just... don't be a stereotype...
I could really go for an Ulster Fry, a whore, and a 40 oz bottle of... aw fuck sake NO! What was I just telling myself?!

 

by jes_lawson
2-04-15
Salutations, my Lord Lannister! You have work for us?
Yep... I need you to go and check out the abandoned troll mine.
But, verily, if tis abandoned, surely there would be nothing in it?
You heard of Ned Stark, Knight? He asked the wrong sort of questions as well.
Understood, my liege. I shall assemble ye team and report back...
Yeah. Do that. And get my Ulster fry out tha kitchen for me before you go...

 

by jes_lawson
2-06-15
Archer! We're to explore the abandoned troll mine! It's on the other side of the Creepy Forest!
I'll scout us a safe route.
Mage! Canst thou facilitate our travels?
I know a Teleport spell, but it's not quite perfected...
3 months previously...
Oh Shit...
Sir, I know who you are, and I'm going to have to ask you to leave..., and how you got into here!

 

by jes_lawson
3-18-15
Thus, to the outskirts of the Creepy Forest
I've found us a good route through, but there's a problem...
Zounds! What?!
We're going to have to spend about 2 hours killing randomly occuring monsters.
Why that tis nothing! We should proceed!
Did I mention they'll mainly be rats?
Ye balls to that. I wonder if ye Mage hath perfected that cheat code spell...

 

by jes_lawson
3-18-15
Knighty-Boy! If I was to bust the Wizard around this forest, straight to our quest objective...
Yes?
Any chance of some petrol money?
I understand not of ye dialog ye said, Frank, but if I remember correctly, ye are moving the plot forwards.
F*cking right I am! It's always quest this and saga that with you, you shiny fuck. I can get Magic-Arse round to the mine in 20 minutes, home in time for dinner!
Huzzah! You and Ye Mage ride thy metal steed, ye Archer and I shall wait out a few turns...

 

by jes_lawson
3-19-15
Ready to get to that troll mine, Mage? Hope you know how to ride pillion.
Indeed. I ...
Yeaaagh!
What?
I am ...going to cast Revoke Motorcycle License on you... when I ... stop throwing up...

 

by jes_lawson
3-19-15
Wizard and Frank should be at the mine by now.
Huzzah! Yet, I wish to avoid ye pointless scrobbeling for XP. Wandering ye forest, killing low-level monsters, be tiresome.
Not a problem, I've scouted us some transport of our own...
!
Hiya Knighty! Need to go anywhere? I'm full of beans for another adventure!
Tis that reason I am holding my nose for, Steed! But needs must....

 

by jes_lawson
3-19-15
So I said... "That Maserati rotor turbine ain't gonna generate gravitons by itself!"
Ha ha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by jes_lawson
3-20-15
Who are you? A troll?
Nope.
An abandoned troll?
You're being too literal. I'm a remnant of an abandoned meme, used to troll.
Spellcasting: Gravitons Generating Themselves!
What the fuck are you .... AAAGH!

 

by jes_lawson
3-21-15
I think I may have made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.
I thought the rabbit usually said that.
Never mind that, this is NOT the abandoned troll mine.
True. It's time I used a Teleport spell!
Hold up! I thought you hadn't perfected this!
What's the worst that could happen?

 

by jes_lawson
3-22-15
But why can't we play outside, Miss Jamelia?
Well, Janey, a known sex offender just appeared in the playground.
Oh no!
Also, a duck and a motorcycle materialized in the middle of the tree outside. We've called the police and rescue services.
Are you OK, Mr. Duck?
No! I'm going to fucking kill that arcane-minded cuntflap once I get out of here!

 

by jes_lawson
6-01-15
Hey man, what you wanna do today?
I'm not sure. Dad just died.
But he went out the way he wanted!
I know. Doing the job he loved. I want to go out like him. At peace. Not like his bus passengers.
Good luck they all turned out to be indestructible X-Men style mutants!
I know, man, what a relief! You know what? Life rules! Let's go see what that $1 hangover-free beer's like at the bar!

 

by jes_lawson
6-17-15
Our heroes make short work of the annoying trivial monsters.
SWORDED!
Aaagh! I had a backstory!
We won't know what those monsters were like, only that they were annoying.
ARROWED!
Aaagh! I had one day left until retirement! And I bet I won't even make the Director's Cut!
Very annoying...
STEEDED! Um... is that how you do this monster defeating thing?
Shut up, ignore my stunt double, and watch me win Britain's Got Talent, foul equine!

 

by jes_lawson
6-23-15
So why d'ya want to join the Army, son?
The career opportunities, sir!
Yeah?
Sure! I've always wanted to be risk death in basic training, maybe lose a leg to an IED. In 5 years I'd like to be homeless with a drug problem!
Son, I can see you'll fit right in here! If you like PTSD, you might make General!
Hot dang! Where do I mark my X ?

 

by jes_lawson
7-06-15
You see the Greeks have voted to reject the EU austerity program?
The Greeks have been saying yes to everything since forever! Time they said NO for a change!
How do you mean?
Let's segue here, and flash back to the days of yore...
Hi Leda, I'm Zeus...uh... I mean... a swan! Totally not an all powerful god in disguise! Wanna do it? Only �200 billion!
Wow! Merrill Lynch and Angela Merkel wanted to fuck us over for $3 trillion! I'm yours! OPA!

 

by jes_lawson
7-06-15
If video games had affected us as kids growing up in the 80's...
We'd be teenagers running around dark rooms, eating pills, listening to repetetive music in the 90's.
My last Skrillex gig was 10 years ago. I still ...
...still see the "ghosts". Yes, Mr Pacman. I'll increase the dosage.

 

by jes_lawson
7-09-15
Programming is so much easier in Python.
Yeah, our new trading platform is so much faster but...wait, what's this?
Someone's hacked in and rewritten it in Cobra Mk. 3!
And they've stolen 10 tonnes of narcotics, 5 tonnes of firearms, a hyperdrive, and... an "Important Thargoid Document" ?!
Right on, Commander Jameson! Let's get this haul back to Lave!
Lemme just blow up this vector graphic asteroid first...

 

by jes_lawson
7-14-15
We rejoin the gang making their way through the Spooky Forest and, ah, you're not reading this are you?
We're making good time, Knighty! I'm literally hauling ass!
Zounds! We are, steed! And I do declare you seem more pleasant-smelling than our last quest!
I bet you're skipping to the scene where you see Emilia Clarke's tits, aren't you?
Yes! I've been eating those super-foods like quinoa and kale, instead of rancid barley curry! It's really helped my speed and freshness
Indeed!
Or Alfie Allen's arse o_0? No one appreciates narration or story-crafting any more. Screw you all, illiterate weasel-strokers...
Umm...
Though not, it would seem, your sense of direction thou equinious nincompoop!

 

by jes_lawson
7-14-15
Hello, Jerry. So... am I good to go? That suspended sentence expired last Hearthfire, surely?
It did. Frank had an outstanding DUI, but I've squared it, and got you both bailed out for 5000 GP.
Ouch! But...Phew!
Yeah... Stay out of trouble, ok, Great Uncle? Mom and Dad worry about you.
So shall we...
Shut. The. FUCK. Up. I don't think I'll be able to piss straight any more. And that was ONE NIGHT IN GAOL! I need beer. You're buying!

 

by jes_lawson
7-14-15
I've taken some Valium, so can narrate to you that our so-called heroes are lost in the desert.
Maybe tis the burning sun, but it occurs... I do not know thy true name, Steed.
Well it's... I ... I don't think I have one!
Yeah, Valium rocks. Especially when you knock it back with a hit of absinthe.
So I've been through the desert on a horse with no name?
On the first part of the journey!
ZZZZ.....
Huzzah! A monastery! We are saved!
It feels good to be out of the rain! Wait, was it raining? In the desert?! What were that band smoking?!

 

by jes_lawson
7-14-15
ZZZ...what? Oh yeah! "Meanwhile!"
Ugh! Why didn't that stupid knight see I'd passed out from heatstroke? This Ranger hoodie is not designed for deserts!
O.K. Lucky I had a healing potion. Now I need to walk without rhythm, so I won't attract the worm.
I wish I was Christopher Walken right now. I could fly out of here on wires, and be sticking an arrow in that armour plated moron. And look awesome doing it!

 

by jes_lawson
7-16-15
January 2006
Hi ho! Hi ho!
It's off to work I go....
14 July 2015
Oh, wow! Hi Snow White!

 

by jes_lawson
7-28-15
Coca-Cola HQ.
We need a new slogan to appeal to celebrities who use our product.
How about... share a Coke with (name)? We'll get Chen to test it!
6 months ago...
Share a Coke, Bobbi?
Don't mind if I do!
That wasn't the kind I had in mind!

 

by jes_lawson
7-28-15
Well that was tragic, but we'll keep going with the slogan.
I'll get Chen to test it in the U.K!
Share a Coke with Lord Sewel!
Don't mind if I do!
Shortly...
If you'll come with me to the station, sir?
This is getting ridiculous.

 

by jes_lawson
7-28-15
CLICK
Three!
CLICK
Four!
Help! Anyone! Quickly!
Shut it lady, gimme your purse! I'm not fucking around here!

 

by jes_lawson
7-28-15
Time passes... CLICK
Sixteen! Light switches are good. OCD Man is ready for action!
Shit, wait! I forgot to clean the oven again!

 

by jes_lawson
7-28-15
Help! Someone save me!
Stick em up, lady! Hand over your purse and you don't get shot!
One!
CLICK
Two!

 

by jes_lawson
7-29-15
Good evening Madam President! Here are ten amazing locations I've hidden a bomb you won't believe! Mwahaha!
tl;dr
Damn you! My one weakness! Fine, they're all under the Washington Monument.
I've seen stuff on the Disney website more threatening than you, Dr. Clickbait. Give it up and quit calling!
Sorry I'm late, had to wash my hands! Now, what can OCD Man do to save the day?
Follow me, you can make sure the furniture in the Oval Office is all perfectly straight.

 

by jes_lawson
8-10-15
Time to get my hold-up on!
Not so fast criminal! Ant-Man's gonna cut you down to size!
AAAAGH!
That film was a piece of shit. Now then, lady, about that purse...
Jesus! That's a worse mess than Paul Rudd's résume! I'm glad OCD Man can't see this!

 

by jes_lawson
8-10-15
Jesus! Where have you been? What are you doing?
Supporting Donald Trump!
You're completely wasted...and...did you shit on the floor?
Yeah! You can't spell TRUMP without RUM and TP!
No vertical bacon sandwich for you tonight, Rosie
But I love it! I don't care if that makes me a cannibal, I still can... *Urp*

 

by jes_lawson
8-13-15
I can't find my keys!
Don't worry, they'll turn up. Always in the last place we look!
A.D.495983A6.8
Fellow creats! Today marks our final victory over Physics!
We have successfully sent a probe to the centre of the Sun!
The results of our research are unparalleled!
We found the molecules that used to be the back of a sofa, an old sock, a ballpoint pen, £3.17 in change, and jes_'s keys! We can now end the Universe!

 

by jes_lawson
9-23-15
The bad news is, after the research funding was cut, the condition will enter its terminal phase within 5 days.
Crap. What's the good news?
We're going to name a syndrome after you!
AAGH!
Hrm, did I say days? I meant seconds. Can't read my own writing. Welp, that'll be $311,671, plus tax, Mr. Kafka.
Um... I'm Mr. Samsa?

 

by jes_lawson
9-23-15
So called heroes yada yada Knight and Steed are lost at a monastery.
Hail, Grand Monk of Nam Co! We doth plead for directions and help!
Indeed. I sensed you might, as I am a mighty sensei.
Can you lead us through this maze of a desert back to the Spooky Forest?
Nope, got a lot of meditating to do. But one of my junior clerics will aid you.
!
Hi, Knight. As the ancient scrolls say, "Insert coin to continue."

 

Kermit can't find out about this, David...
by jes_lawson, 9-23-15

 

by jes_lawson
9-23-15
Frank the duck and the Wizard have been released from gaol, and have gone to the tavern.
Well Wiz, you're buying. My usual, please.
Barkeep! Six flagons of ale, six of mead and a pack of elf scratchings!
Because that's the first thing you do after getting out. Get drunk, then start a fight.
Wot you lookin' at?
See that wizard over there? He called you a poof.
Uhh...not that I would know...
Revenge is a drink that is best served at room temperature. And that's just for teleporting me into the fucking tree, magic-boy!
OW! AAGH! Not the thumbs! I need those to do wizard stuff!

 

by jes_lawson
9-24-15
♫ Deedle-deedle-dee ♫
Privy, which way are we going, young cleric?
Short cut through the desert, towards a village. Best place to reach the Spooky Forest.
♫ Deedle-tee-deedle-tee-dee ♫
What... is that melodic noodling in yon narration panel?
Oh that? Just background music. It kinda happens when I go walking. I took a level in Minstrelling a few years ago.
♫ Deedle-deedle-tee-DUM! ♫
Yay! Now play Wings of Kynareth!
Wrong franchise. Umm... I know the first four bars of Day Tripper by the Beatles?

 

by jes_lawson
9-24-15
I'm afraid there's no easy way to break this to you.
You have Capricorn.

 

by jes_lawson
9-24-15
Be it much farther, cleric?
Nope, just through this cave.
YOU ARE IN A CAVE. IT IS DARK. THERE IS A LIGHT TO THE WEST.
Zounds, what now? I hath no torches readied!
Umm...think we may have a problem...
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. YOU ARE IN A CAVE. IT IS DARK. THERE IS A LIGHT TO THE WEST.
Stupid 8-bit cave, I should stick an arrow in its... Knighty?
Gadzooks! Archer! I doth hope that's thy bow in my codpiece.

 

by jes_lawson
9-27-15
YOU ARE IN A CAVE. IT IS DARK. THERE IS A LIGHT TO THE WEST.
Gadsballs, Archer! Get us out of this outdated dungeon!
No problem Knighty! "GO WEST"
I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT. WHAT PART OF WEST DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? DID YOU READ THE MANUAL?
I read the manual! I ate it as well but...
Shut up Steed! Fucking hell, this must be an older version .... "W"
YOU ARE OUT OF THE CAVE. DO YOU WISH TO CONTINUE?
By my troth NO! End! Uninstall!
That was a lucky escape. If this had been on Windows 10, we'd have been here for weeks.

 

by jes_lawson
9-28-15
So what's the prognosis, Doc?
You know that condition Stephen Hawking has?
Oh my God! ALS?
No, talking like a robot. You're going to develop that in about 3 months.
Is it serious?
Serious? It's hilarious!

 

by jes_lawson
9-30-15
You look exhausted. What happened?
I just came off my 8th straight 20 hour shift in the Emergency ward.
Due to budget cuts, there were no free beds to crash out on. I had to sleep in a bin full of medical waste.
You'll forgive me if I put this on?
Not at all, but on the plus side, in the 9 hours I have left, I think I may now be immune to every disease known to man!

 

I'm afraid there's no easy way to break this to you...
by jes_lawson, 10-01-15

 

by jes_lawson
10-01-15
Jeez, Frank, what happened to you?
It's the experimental drug I'm taking for my alopecia.
The one that PharmaCo bribed the regulators to pass, without checking for side effects, and costs more than $3000 a dose?
That's the one.
Well that explains the huge bill.

 

by jes_lawson
10-02-15
We're short staffed again this week.
Meh, just send the intern cardiologist to cover the ObGyn. They've both got the same medical degree...
I'm not feeling a pulse down here. Nurse! Get the defibrillator STAT!

 

by jes_lawson
10-02-15
Wow! That girl over there is HOT!
Yeah! Man up and go over and talk to her.
What the...?
According to readings, you wish to mate with the female behind us. I shall accompany you, and provide logical suggestions as to discourse, to promote intercourse.
So what happened?
Spock-blocked.

Showing page 19.

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