All comics by umfumdisi

Profile

 

by umfumdisi
12-14-05
Sorry I didn't get you anything for Christmas.
I don't need anything; I'm a buddhist.
*Rub, Rub, Rub*
Please stop rubbing my belly. I'm a buddhist, not the Buddha.
Then can I sit on your lap and tell you what I want for Christmas?
As long as you don't mind me coming down your "chimney."

 

Really nOW!? Santa sent you OW!t in his place? I thought penguins lived at the SOW!th Pole.
Do you want your presents or not?
by umfumdisi, 12-14-05

 

by umfumdisi
12-29-05
Alright slobs, listen up! 3Q profits were shit. Morale is lower than Vern Shroyer's nuts. And if I miss my bonus, I'll have to sell another kidney.
After watching Glengarry Glen Ross 15 times this weekend, I decided to bring in a motivational speaker. He gets $500 an hour, so pay attention!
That's right, bitches, I'm Bacon, man. Did I run away from Sizzle-Lean? Hell no, I kicked him in the nuts and slept with his wife!! And I'll do the same to you! Blooga-blarga, bing-bong. NO SPATULAS!!

 

by umfumdisi
1-03-06
My memory is like a steel trap. Nothing gets out!
Oh yeah? My memory is like my dick -- short and flaccid!
Remind me why I hang out with you...
The striped shirts?

 

by umfumdisi
1-03-06
"Blarghen flog mongy doog flibble greeble yarrrrrgh."
That's just sad.
"TWEN...NOON...WADE EBEN...THIK...uh THIK.
He just said "six" twice. This is horrible.
FIBE! NOOR!! FREE!!! DOO!!!! UNH!!!!! HABBY OOH DEER!
Still waiting for the ball to drop, Dick.

 

by umfumdisi
1-17-06
I'm depressed.
Let's go get LAID!
I'm drunk AND depressed.
I'm getting LAID!
I'm slightly less depressed.
I'm whipped.

 

by umfumdisi
1-26-06
Call me Fishmale.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a fish-hand, and he'll smell forever.
Never taunt a Genie and then wish for a "handy codpiece."

 

by umfumdisi
1-26-06
ACT I
mnh mnh mnh mnh ah ah ah ah ah ah mnh mnh mnh mnh ah ah ah
ACT II
oh oh oh oh oh oh mmm mmm mmm OH OH OH OH
ACT III
YEAH!
Wow. That didn't seem like 2 1/2 hours.

 

by umfumdisi
1-26-06
I like you, Bernice. You're easy to talk to. Most heifers just don't "get" me, you know?
Burp! Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew.
Just because I'm a bull, all they can think about is sex, sex, sex. It's insulting.
Chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew, chew.
Will you stop chewing that goddamn cud and say something?
Gulp. Wanna see my udders?

 

by umfumdisi
1-26-06
Aye, Millie. I see what you mean. The self-repression of the Amish people has lead to our current stasis.
Our young are habitually tempted to taste the joys offered by the outside world. Those what stay remain bitter and pass that bile to the next generation.
I shall have to make note of your wise words in my journal tonight before I put out the oil lamp and rest my own uneasy bones.
Should I tell him that I meant it was 6:30am and thus literally "time to make hay?" Naa-aah-aaah.

 

by umfumdisi
1-26-06
I'm sorry, Captain. Some strange force has overtaken my body. I must kill you.
LOOK, son. I'm... putting down MY weapon.
Doesn't matter. Must kill Kirk.
KIRK to writing... staff. This is... some GREAT stuff. Now get ME... the hell out!
Wait, Sir! I misheard the voices in my head. They're saying "krill" Kirk.
Nice TRY, red... shirt. Enjoy... your EXILE on this planet... filled with SAUCY space... whores. Wait... What DID that script... say? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

by umfumdisi
1-26-06
Okay, I'll put: I like singing, dancing, dressing outrageously, and dyeing my hair different colors.
Hmmm. I'll write: I enjoy listening to music, spreading gossip, dressing conservatively, and cutting and dyeing hair.
A few clicks later and they meet...
Hi, I'm Pink.
I'm Floyd.

 

by umfumdisi
1-28-06
My inclination is to believe that the current administration is rife with pork programs, corporate kickbacks, and institutional malaise. Bob?
My inclination is Asian chicks. Young Asian chicks.

 

Bang a gong, I say. Get it on!
by umfumdisi, 1-28-06

 

I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!
I'M GOING TO FUCK YOUR ASS!
by umfumdisi, 1-28-06

 

by umfumdisi
1-28-06
Couldn't you just "look the other way" this time?
No, RAAAHX-anne. You don't have to put on the red light. RAAHX-anne, you don't have to sell your body to the night.
What if I offered you a blowjob?
Why doesn't anyone ever offer me a rose garden?

 

by umfumdisi
1-30-06
Little Umfum: "I brought the towels, uh, capes, so I'm Superman!"
My friend John: "I call Batman!"
My friend Adam: "I'm Wonder Woman!"
My friend Jessica: "Why does Adam always get to be Wonder Woman?"
He did buy the outfit.

 

by umfumdisi
1-31-06
Solar-Bot, begin shortwave radio mode.
ALERT! Scientists shocked the world today by announcing a cure for cancer!
Finally.
However, a different group of scientists pissed on the parade by announcing that the Earth would be destroyed in 30 days by a comet.
Attention whores!
Speaking of attention whores, Michael Jackson later announced that he would leave Bahrain and go live on the moon.

 

by umfumdisi
1-31-06
Wow. 30 days. Well, if they can send Michael Jackson to the moon, surely I can get off this island and back home to my family.
Of course, I'll have to disassemble Solar-Bot and convert it into some sort of propulsion device.
Three days later...
Why do I have the sudden urge to chase roadrunners?

 

by umfumdisi
2-01-06
LIFTOFF!
Food rations, check. Potable water, check. Palm-frond parachute, uh...damn. Disposable diapers, check!
CRASH!!!
A space ship done hit my barn. Should I call NASA or Weekly World News?

 

by umfumdisi
2-01-06
You all right, space man?
Space man? Yes, thanks to your hay barn, I'm fine.
You talk real good English for a space man. What planet you from?
Earth.
S'at the one with rings?

 

by umfumdisi
2-01-06
Can you at least tell me where I've landed?
Harlan, Kentucky.
Kentucky? I suppose it would be foolish of me to ask if you have a computer with an internet connection.
Why would that be foolish? I done posted about your spaceship landing in my blog while you were outside in the shitter.
Now there's a sentence you don't hear everyday.

 

If you're so great, why don't you have your own forumuser avatar?
by umfumdisi, 2-11-06

 

I'm so sorry, Atmah. I was aiming at someone--er, something else...
No problem. I was advised to wear the kevlar turban.
by umfumdisi, 2-12-06

 

by umfumdisi
2-12-06
Sir, I have some bad news...Dick Cheney was involved in a hunting accident in Texas.
HOLY SHIT!
And more bad news...he wasn't shot.

 

by umfumdisi
2-12-06
The problem with you people is that you have NO sense of humor.
Do not judge me just because you people have no respect for your prophet.
Fine with me. Just tell me what you DO find funny.
Beheading the infidels?

 

...and Pauly Shore. The Weasel! HA! That guy slays me.
by umfumdisi, 2-12-06

 

"I flirt with brilliance but have sex with stupid."
How does your wife feel about that?
by umfumdisi, 2-17-06

 

by umfumdisi
3-08-06
Mr. or Mrs. Durbin, I have bad news.
Tell it straight, Doc.
Your spouse/child/parent is going to die. Unless...
Unless what?
Unless you're willing to let me try an untested, unproven healing method that's totally reckless, horribly irresponsible, and utterly poignant.
I'm not sure my HMO covers "poignancy."

 

by umfumdisi
3-08-06
Babe, I can't take my eyes off of Joan Rivers.
I know. Her plastic surgery is amazing. Isn't she beautiful?
It's not that. She's had so much lifting done...
Every time she blinks, I can see her nipples.
Let's adopt them!

 

Here, a shot of this panekiller will make you feel all better.
by umfumdisi, 3-08-06

 

by umfumdisi
3-08-06
I hate to be the one to break this news...
You have shingles.

 

by umfumdisi
3-08-06
The good news is that you don't have rickets. You have crickets!
What's the bad news?
Now you have to pay me and the exterminator.

 

by umfumdisi
3-08-06
Can I ask you a question?
Hmmm. The question itself indicates a trick question is coming. --------------------- Sure, honey, go ahead.
Why do you have a roll of paper towels here under the sink in the bathroom right next to your study?
Uh, to clean up any messes we make upstairs.
Okay.
Why in the world would you ask such a stupid question?

 

by umfumdisi
3-08-06
No particular reason...
Wait a minute! Is it because you think I go out and pay for hookers, bring them back here, have sex with them in the study, strangle their still-naked bodies,
drag them into the bathroom, cut their bodies up into tiny pieces, wrap those pieces up in paper towels, and then dispose of them in our household garbage?
Why would I ever think such a thing?
That's it, I'm putting a block on the Lifetime Network!

 

by umfumdisi
3-12-06
Dharamsala, India...
Don't worry. Happens all the time.
Keep going straight for two blocks. Hang a left onto Mohandas K. Gandhi Blvd.
Go another block and you'll see a big flashing neon sign: LLAMA DELI.

 

by umfumdisi
3-12-06
So I see under "References" you listed Jesus.
Is that a problem?
We do prefer you list their full name.
Jesus H. Christ!

 

by umfumdisi
3-12-06
So I see under "References" you listed Jesus.
Is that a problem?
You left out his address ... and phone number.

 

by umfumdisi
3-12-06
So I see under "References" you listed Jesus.
Is that a problem?
This IS a law firm.

 

by umfumdisi
3-14-06
Welcome to my pad. Can I get you anything?
Wait. I thought this was God's house.
Yeah, I'm God. Good to meet'cha.
But I thought you "knew me before I was formed in the womb."
If it helps, I did "know" your mom.
That explains the hair...

 

Here it is. What do you think?
What a crock.
by umfumdisi, 3-14-06

 

And that's a picture of me out in the woods masturbating over the body of yet another dead squirrel.
by umfumdisi, 3-14-06

 

Dammit...Son...have...you...been...turning...my...water...into...wine...again?
Sorry, Pa.
by umfumdisi, 3-14-06

 

by umfumdisi
3-16-06
What the hell's going on with you, Dick?
I'm so sorry, sir. I swear it was an accident.
How did it happen?
He just kept bragging about his huge collection. So, I decided to give him a few more.
You stupid old drunk! He collects SHOGUN PALLETS.
I really thought he said shotgun pellets.

 

by umfumdisi
3-16-06
Wow! I can't believe you have such a huge collection of pogs that you have to keep them behind your barn
Yup. Here they are. Try not to be too jealous...
Those are pigs. And you have two of them.
Nope. I mated a pig with a hog. Thems pogs alright.

 

by umfumdisi
4-11-06
Looks like it's that time of year again.
Yup.
This year I've purchased the Yardmaster 3500. It's the absolute top of the line in riding mowers, my friend.
Yup.
It's got 350hp, a ten-position adjustable blade, a two-foot turning radius, a secondary mulching blade, six speeds including reverse, PLUS it's four-wheel drive!
Yup.

 

by umfumdisi
4-21-06
So, you'll be using that old push mower of yours again this year?
Nope.
Haw! Don't tell me you've gotten something better than my Yard Master!
Yup. The Yard Demon!
Yard Demon?
Yes?

 

by umfumdisi
4-21-06
Hmph. What makes you better than my Yard Master 3500?
After cutting Dan's yard with a few swipes of my wings, I cast the Spell of Stasis upon it.
So?
So. His lawn will remain at the perfect height for all ETERNITY.
-GULP- And those appendages on your face?
Yes. I am also self-mulching.

 

by umfumdisi
4-21-06
Whoopie
Gold
Burg

 

Mousey...........................Dung
by umfumdisi, 4-21-06

Showing page 19.

« Previous Next »