All comics by Buffylavalamp

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by Buffylavalamp
2-10-03
I came, I saw, I conked out...
Hey, Buffy, you're an atheist, right?
Yuppers.
So what's with this Tiki Tim little god-thing that's been hanging around here?
Oh, he doesn't really exist. He's just a delusion.
So how do you explain this?
Shut up.

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-10-03
In heaven no one can hear you scream...
Hey, Tiki Tim! Any luck getting any worshippers yet?
NO! Sorry. I know I shouldn't snap. Damn, my eternal life sucks.
What do you think's wrong?
Well, there's my frickin' name to start. "Ooooh! I'm the Almighty Tiki Tim! Tremble in fear and beg for my mercy!" Sure, that's going to happen.
Sounds like you need a drink.
Oh yeah! Water into wine! That'll make my troubles go away! Jackass.

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-14-03
Damn it! My will said "Bury the stapler with me, and don't play any stupid hiding games"...

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-15-03
Pfff.

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-16-03
Back there somewhere...
Hi, Charlie!
Hello, Angels...gel... Angel...
*sob*
Bosley warned you against investing in Enron.
Waaaaaaaaaa!

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-17-03
Can I put my pants back on now?
Not yet, I'm almost there.

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-18-03
When you wish upon a star...
You know what? I really wish I was smarter, better looking, and would live longer.
I can make that wish come true for you.
Really? Could you, please?
Sure.
Wow! Thanks!
Don't thank me until you try to get a promotion at work.

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-20-03
STOP STARING AT ME WITH YOUR COLD, DEAD EYES!

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-21-03
Moo moo mooooo...
Moo moo moooo moo moooo!
Moooooo moo moo moo? Moooo mooo!
Moooo moooo moo moo moo!
Moooooo!
Moooo moo moooo moo moo.
Excellent!

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-22-03
Can you see the car yet?
No, and I think we lost the president!
You bastard! I told you we were expecting snow!
Look, don't blame me! I wasn't expecting a freakin' blizzard!
Hewp! Mah tong ith thtuck ta a poe!
Mr. President!

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-23-03
Outside the Club Fut...
Excuse me, Captain Pennypants, I need to get into the club.
Sorry, my dear, but you have been BANNED.
What?!? Why have I been banned? That's ridiculous!
I bet now you wish you'd never made fun of my name, huh?
Heh heh... "Pennypants."
BANNED!

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-24-03
In a fit of something...
Hey, it's Captain Pennypants!
Hi, Tiki Tim! How have you been doing?
Not bad. So why haven't we been seeing you at the unfortunate name support group?
Oh, I've been busy defending citizens from evildoers. I hear Hans Blix is attending now?
Yeah. Engelbert Humperdink sponsored him.
I'm sure Condoleezza Rice is happy about that one...

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-25-03
Captain Pennypants, defender of justice! Captain Pennypants, righter of wrongs!
Where there's a need for me, that's the place I'll be!
He's Captain Pennypants, singer of songs!
Captain Pennypants, protecting our children! Captain Pennypants, fighting our fights!
Where there is evil done, I'll get it on the run!
He's Captain Pennypants, wearer of tights!
Captain Pennypants, soaring above us! Captain Pennypants, keeping an eye!
Wherever there's a crime, I'm aaaa aaaa aaaa hhhhhhh hhhhhhhaaa aaaaaaaa hhhhhh...
He's Captain Pennypants, forgot he can't fly!

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-26-03
Meanwhile...
So what's the point of the cape?
Huh?
The cape. Doesn't it get in the way? A good gust of wind, and it's blown right over your head. Really, why have it?
Because I'm a superhero! It's expected, and besides, it's cool!
Not it's not. It's a deathtrap waiting to snag on something then strangle you... and you're a grown man in a CAPE!
Are you trying to piss me off, vile fiend?

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-28-03
Saddam Hussein? Is that really you?
Yes! Yes it is! How do you like my brilliant disguise? I just got it too!
Are you sure you just got it? It looks a little worn to me.
Okay, fine! Not only do I eat babies, but I'm a furry too! There, I said it. I like fursuit sex. Happy now?
Okay, this is just getting too surreal for my liking...
Alright, folks, it's rabbit season! I'm gonna kick your evil ass from here to the nearest oil field!
George W. Bush! You'll never take me alive! Hahah ha ha!

 

by Buffylavalamp
3-02-03
Meanwhile...
Mooo moo mooooo moooo, moo moo?
Meow meow, meeeooow meooww purrrrrr meow meow!
Moooo mooo!
Meow.
Moooo moo mooooo moo moo moo moooo!
Uh oh...

 

by Buffylavalamp
3-04-03
Life could be better, down where it's wetter...
Hi, Tiki Tim. Fancy seeing you here.
Oh, I'm not "Tiki Tim" anymore. I've changed my name to something more godlike and inspiring.
Really? What's your name now?
Tiki Timm.
If I promise not to say anything, would you help me out? I seem to be drowning.
Hey, you had your chance to worship me...

 

by Buffylavalamp
3-07-03
Frank Frankly from Ottawa writes; "Dear Ms. Lavalamp, despite our numerous attempts to contact you, your tax debt..."
Stop! Why are you reading that?
Because we're supposed to be reading your voluminous reader mail, but damn it, you haven't got any!
Really? Are you sure? What else is in the old BLL Mailbag?
Today's moral: Witty punchlines are for suckers.
Well, there's a "Cease and Desist" order from David Letterman...
Didn't we run that joke into the ground back in January?

 

by Buffylavalamp
3-09-03
ring ring
ring ring
Every frickin' time.

 

by Buffylavalamp
3-10-03
Super Justice Squad... ASSEMBLE!
I said to assemble, Super Justice Squad!
I'm tired, Unca Pennypants. Can we go home now?

 

by Buffylavalamp
3-11-03
Buffy is away on vacation, so today's comic is by Billy...
i said shut yor mowth or you get a taiste of the dunjin!
i'm sory daddy! i wont take a cooky again! not the dunjin!
Age 39. Billy is an accomplished surgeon, but this happened last week.
now you wont blaim "not me" next time you lieing terd!
next time i blaim jeffy or dolly!
Ah, rememberies.
now your lerning i'm prowd of you!
can i hav a cooky now?

 

by Buffylavalamp
3-14-03
Ladies and gentlemen, Buffy has nothing for today, so she's asked me to introduce a special musical guest...
This guy.
CAPTAIN PENNYPANTS, DEFENDER OF JUSTICE!
I really need to get that incriminating tape back.
CAPTAIN PENNYPANTS, RIGHTER OF WRONGS!

 

by Buffylavalamp
3-18-03
All the world's a stage...
I'd like to apologize for being lax in my comic writing lately.
I really do have a good reason for it. It's not like I've run out of fresh ideas.
Really!
You have another "Cease and Desist" order...

 

by Buffylavalamp
3-20-03
Fuck.

 

by Buffylavalamp
3-21-03
So I'm a little pissed off right now...
Hi! I'm Lance Geldgeliebter, president and CEO of UniGlobalCorp. I'm here in Iraq with my friend Fatima. Say hi to America, Fatima!
Hi, America!
Now some people think I support the war here because it will provide us access to previously unattainable oil fields.
They don't know you like I know you, sir.
That's right, Fatima. They forget that we're trying to save young Iraqis to work in our future Iraqi t-shirt factories without the inconvenience of undemocratic child labor and minimum wage laws!
Word!

 

by Buffylavalamp
4-20-03
I spent almost a month writing this one...
Buffy! Where the hell have you been? Everyone's been asking about you!
I've been... busy. Yeah, busy. Okay? That good enough for you?
You were in rehab again, weren't you?
Uh...
You have to stop smoking kittens!
But they last through the winter that way!

 

by Buffylavalamp
5-03-03
This space for rent.
There seems to be a little confusion over the punchline in the last strip.
Chris said I have to "stop smoking kittens." The idea was that maybe I smoked them like cigarettes.
However, the punchline was that I smoke them like beef jerky, thus preserving their meat for later consumption. Ha. Funny, right?
Are you sure you've taken enough time off, Buffy?

 

by Buffylavalamp
7-01-03
In 5... 4... 3... 2...
We might not have found any weapons of mass destruction yet, but don't count us out.
That Saddam was one tricky fella! But trust us, we will find 'em! If you doubt me, yer not with us, yer agin' us!
We're clear!
How was that, Dick?
I see a second term in our future, Mr. President!

 

by Buffylavalamp
7-31-03
Hey, aren't you Buffy Lavalamp?
Yes, I am. Could I get a cheeseburger and a small Coke?
I love your comics! What happened to you anyway? You keep disappearing!
I've been busy. Could I get a cheeseburger and a small Coke?
Really, I have been busy!
What the hell kinda excuse is "I've been busy"? Screw that, you owe us some new comics!
Okay then, how about a fish filet and small root beer?

 

by Buffylavalamp
8-04-03
A time and a place...
Buffy! Babe! I missed you! What have you been up to?
Nothing much. This and that. Got a new hobby.
Really? What is it?
Bullfighting.
You're kidding me. Really?
I wish. She punches hard for a chick!

 

by Buffylavalamp
8-05-03
I wish you'd give up bullfighting. It really hurts when you punch me!
But it's so much fun and really good exercise!
I am bleeding internally and my insurance has been cancelled! I think you've broken a few of my ribs, and I'm not sure I can father calves anymore...
I wish you'd give up bullfighting. It really hurts when you punch me!
But it's so much fun and really good exercise!

 

by Buffylavalamp
8-06-03
Damn, it's too hot around here and I'm bored. I'll set my time machine to "Random" and see where it takes me...
Yay! Lilith Fair! Best way I've ever spent a summer's day!
Hey there, I'm Rainbow. What's your sign?
My mistake. The second best way...

 

by Buffylavalamp
8-07-03
I said it for months, Johnny Depp plus pirates equals movie magic. Nobody believed me, but I was right. Pirates of the Caribbean is a hit.
Now not only is Disney grateful for my faith in the film, so are all the world's pirates.
Not grateful enough to know when their welcome is overstayed, though.
Arrr! Ye be out of rum, m'lass!

 

by Buffylavalamp
8-09-03
Hi, I'm Gary Coleman gand I'm running for governor of California!
Yes, I'm that Gary Coleman.
I'd vote for you, but I'm Canadian.
Whatchu talkin' about, Buffy?
At least you're not a muscle-bound Republican.

 

by Buffylavalamp
8-27-03
Not here...
Not here...
See? They're doing their best!
Dagnabit, Dick! You said there were weapons of mass destruction!
There are, Mr. President! We just need to keep looking!

 

by Buffylavalamp
8-28-03
Funny?
Close your eyes!
This is going to be the coolest suprise!
No, but you'd be suprised by how many Christmases like this I had.
You like seafood, don't y... Hey! No peeking!

 

by Buffylavalamp
8-29-03
Yesterday's joke wasn't funny! Killing dolphins for food isn't funny!
Down with Buffy! Down with Buffy!
Hey, I'm Buffy! Why are you protesting me?
I protest!
Yesterday's strip wasn't funny! It was offensive!
Same with today's, in fact. Damn, I need a placard too!

 

by Buffylavalamp
8-30-03
I have a cold, so I'm just going to plagarize today's Garfield...
I'm off my diet.
I'm on my diet.
I'm off my diet.

 

by Buffylavalamp
8-31-03
Damn, this cold just isn't going away. It's really wearing me down.
Oh come on, it's just a cold. It can't be that bad.
AAAAHHHCHOOOOO!
Sorry about that.
Geshundheit.

 

by Buffylavalamp
9-03-03
Later that day...
Hey Buffy, I hear you still have a cold.
Yes, Li'l Conan, but come on. It's not SARS, you can take the mask off.
I'm not taking any chances. I don't want your germs!
Oy. What's wrong with my germs?
I don't want to die!
Hey, did you see what my last sneeze did to this plane?

 

by Buffylavalamp
11-03-03
Up in the valley of the jolly Green Giant...
Buffy! Where the hell do you keep disappearing to?
I... I can't tell you...
Buffy? It's me, Chris. I'm your best friend! You can tell me anything!
No! No, I can't? Please, don't ask me questions I can't answer!
Okay, if you really feel that way...
What, are you going to give up that easily?

 

by Buffylavalamp
11-06-03
Neo-conservatively speaking...
Things are going great, Dick! Major combat is over in Iraq and they are well on the road to democracy!
You betcha, Mr. President.
Yessiree, we sure took care of that SoDamned Insane fella!
You betcha, Mr. President.
Let's round up Rumsfeld and rub Iraqi oil all over each other!
I am so there, Mr. President.

 

by Buffylavalamp
11-07-03
...U.S. President George W. Bush held a press conference today denying allegations that he's a puppet of neo-conservatives with a deadly agenda.
I AM my own man! I'm nobody's puppet! Right, Dick?
You betcha, Mr. President.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was not available for comment, even though he was standing right there and we could see his lips moving.

 

by Buffylavalamp
11-15-03
At the site of the George W. Memorial Libarry..
Why do you make fun of me, Buffy?
Because you are a dullard and a war criminal, Shrub.
I'm not a war criminal! We had the support of Micronesia when we conqu... liberated Iraq and its oi... people!
Whatever helps you sleep at night, Dubya.
What are you, French? Some sort of liberal atheist hippy socialist Saddam lover?
There is that heightened level of dialogue we've come to depend on from you and your regi... administration.

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-02-04
What's going on here?
You wouldn't believe it.
Why is anyone surprised.
This ass will do anything to get re-elected.
Ha ha! I'm in Canada and he's YOUR war criminal president!
You're saying if I vote for you, you'll appoint furries to your cabinet?
As long as you're not homosexuals or atheists, yes!

 

by Buffylavalamp
2-06-04
Yes, we broke international law to launch an invasion against a nation that was no threat to us.
Yes, there in a federal investigation and lawsuits being launched because of a one second flash of Janet Jackson's breast.
Over-react much, America?
That's it, I'm having the CIA kill you.

 

by Buffylavalamp
3-01-04
Rational human watching a good movie.
Rational human watching Lord of the Rings.
So how the fuck did it win ANY major awards?
The Academy is comprised of fuckwits who bow to bizarre commercial success?
Quality be damned!

 

by Buffylavalamp
4-17-04
Back at the old drawing board...
Can you make me scarier?
Sure, how's this?
Better, but still not scary enough. What else have you got?
Well, there's this...
ARGH! George W.! Too scary! TOO SCARY!
sigh

 

by Buffylavalamp
8-15-04
Meanwhile, deeply in Deepville...
Do you ever get the feeling that life is boxing you in?
Metaphorically or literally?
Both.
No.

 

by Buffylavalamp
8-15-04
Meanwhile, deeply in Deepville...
Do you ever get the feeling that life is boxing you in?
Metaphorically or literally?
Both.
No.

Showing page 2.

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