All comics by El_Phen

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by El_Phen
8-25-05
How rumours start...
Hi there, I'd like to order a 12" Sausage-Fest please
It'll be about 10 minutes ok.
Hey baby, I'm in Perfect Virus. Do you wanna blow me now or wait until I've rocked your world?
Didn't I just hear you order a 12" sausage-fest? Look, how gay are you?
Look I'm going to go and see if Neil or Dave want some hot female action in the toilets o.k?
BUT I'M NOT GAY!

 

by El_Phen
9-04-05
O.k. Hands up who thinks crucifixion was a good idea.
Go away.
Hey jesus, is that a spear in your side or are you just pleased to see me?
You're not funny.
Hey Jesus, don't get 'cross''.
Just leave me alone.

 

by El_Phen
9-04-05
Hey Satan, are you horny?
Go away.
Satan, is it hot down here or is it just me?
Don't make me hurt you.
Hey, Satan, go 'fork' yourself.
Just leave me alone!

 

by El_Phen
9-04-05
Damn-it Neil get away from that font, all the holy water is boiling away!
No, Neil, eating the body of Christ DOESN'T make you a cannibal.
No, Neil, the blood of Christ DOESN'T count as 'Jesus Juice'.

 

by El_Phen
9-04-05
For some reason Neil has opened a butchers shop.
Paul, I've just finishd building this butcher's shop and I need to name it.
How about Neil's meat?
No...How does "Thick and Satisfying" sound?
Not that good. what EXACTLY are you selling here
I'm mainly focusing on selling pork products wrapped in a thin membrane. should I call it Sausage Fe...
NO!

 

by El_Phen
9-04-05
Stuart, I blame George Bush for the situation in New Orleans at the moment. If he'd allocated resources sooner or constructed better sea defences they wouldn't be in this mess. What do you think?
I blame the Arabs.
...and the Blacks.

 

by El_Phen
9-04-05
So, it's the first Games Night of September then.
Yes. Let us don the ceremonial robes and begin the nights festivities.
Shortly..
...and then I said "BECAUSE YOU'RE BLACK IDIOT"
That's nothing, on MY last lynching we rounded up a whole bunch of A-rabs and...
Meanwhile next door...
You're right Gupta, we have been here for a while, maybe we should go and introduce ourselves to our neighbours.
It'd only be poilte.

 

by El_Phen
9-06-05
On the first day of school, a young Stuart encounters a black person for the first time.
Hello, my name's Gupta, what's yours.
Stuart. Why is your skin a different colour than mine?
Well, both my parents aer this colour so I guess that's why.
What else is different about you?
Yes, my cock's so big it could choke a donkey. From what I've heard yours couldn't satisfy a Chinese hamster.
Fucking blacks!

 

by El_Phen
9-06-05
After meeting someone from an ethnic minority for the first time, Stuart is then approached by another young lady originally from the Middle East
Hello, my name is Stuart. what's yours?
I am Gupt-ette, my family have just moved here from Saudi Arabia
You're really pretty, would you like to come to my house some time?
No thanks, firstly you aren't a muslim so it would be very difficult to persuade my family to let me see you...
Secondly, my family are rich so we can buy and sell your sorry arse without blinking. Thirdly, I was just speaking to Gupta and you're hung like a doormouse in a fridge while he's got a HUGE schlong.
Fucking Arabs!

 

by El_Phen
9-06-05
After not getting along to well with his fellow classmates Stuart makes a last ditch attempt to integrate with others...
Right, you're not an Arab or a black kid are you?
£$%£$"%
What? Speak English Arsehole!
£$%£%!%%!
£$"%"$@:~>~{ could fuck a doormouse and not touch the sides~:~{:£"$"£
Fucking...What the hell are you anyway?

 

by El_Phen
9-06-05
Neil, I swear, you better put some clothes on and take that damn thing off your dick and never, EVER, do this again.

 

by El_Phen
9-06-05
If Dave had Magical powers what would he do? Be more attractive to women than he already is...
Hey baby, check out my wand.
Eeeek!
...control the minds of simple beasts...
Yeah. YEAH! Harder bitch! HARDER!
or grow copious amounts of weed?
Sweet.

 

by El_Phen
9-06-05
Dave! Dave! Thank GOD it's you! I keep having these terrible nightmares about getting ass-raped by a bunch of perverts who think, because I use the phrase "Sausage-fest" a lot, think I'm gay!
Well?
It's not your day is it? *Zzzzip*
Oh fuck.

 

by El_Phen
9-10-05
In the toilets of Hev'n'Hell a strange noise can be heard....wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap,....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
....wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap, wap. SPALT
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Huh?...What's this stuff on my face? Oh shit. I fucking HATE narcolepsy

 

by El_Phen
9-10-05
One day, Dave is talking to a clown. As he does.
...So I said "Well, I like grilled pork products as much as anyone so I think we SHOULD go to the annual Sausage Fest." Then he hit me.
Wait a minute. Rainbows, pixies, nobody trying to ass-ape me...FUCKING NARCOLEPSY!
Well, what do you want from me I'm just a clown.Oh, and about nobody wanting to ass-rape you...

 

by El_Phen
9-10-05
Neil has called everyone around for a practice session. As usual Dave is late.
O.k. We're all here, FINALLY. Let's get going
Wait, wait. I'd just like to say I'm really sorry I'm late. Only I had an attack of narcolepsy on the way here
Are you alright? what happened.
Well, I was in a pub with Neil. He bought me this fizzing drink. The next thing I know, I wake up in the toilets with my arse bleeding and no memory of what happened.
Oh my god! Neil, did you see anything?
*heh-heh* Nope *zzzip*

 

by El_Phen
9-15-05
If I had Super Powers I'd definitely have a stretchy body...you know...make up for "Short comings." Not that I've got any.
I'd like to be able to somehow REPEL James, maybe the ability to become a donkey to disguise myself.
Heat rays that come from my hands. Mainly so I'm not fumbling for matches near to the crosses and leave evidence for the authorities.
More nipples, and another ass. Oh, and the ability to hypnotise donkeys.
Anything that increases my already formiddable "Man worrying/crotch grabbing" ability.
What do you mean 'Like to have?'

 

by El_Phen
9-23-05
After yet another successful gig, the PV boys must deal with the problem of who to take back-stage.
O.k. I'll take the pink haired chick...
...I'll have the brunette...
Foy's ass is MINE
Yay!
Yay!
Oh fuck-beans.

 

by El_Phen
9-23-05
...So I said "Yeah, Foy DOES have a fine ass."
This is awkward isn't it.
He's standing behind you.
*ahem*
Oh...fuck.

 

by El_Phen
10-16-05
In the beginning there was nothingness.
Then Dave crept up behind God and scared him
BOO!
AAARRRGGGGHH!
And this is the reason why the universe is shit. (literally)
Now look at what you've made me do!
heh-heh-heh

 

by El_Phen
10-16-05
If Neil ruled the world...
All hail King Neil! Ruler of Neil-tasia (formerly known as Earth), Emperor of the cosmos and possessor of the biggest schlong this side of ANYWHERE! Let us kneel down and service him verily!
Sweet
If Dave ruled the world...
Dude?
Sweet!
If James ruled the world
It's rainin' men! Hallelujah! etc. etc.
Sweet

 

by El_Phen
10-25-05
One day, Paul is chatting happily away with his many, definitely not gay, friends on the Inter-web via that Instant Messaging thingy. All of a sudden Neil pops up...
Juan-long-dong: What would you call it? Sausagefest2190: "Well I'd call it a sausage-fest too!"
Neil_S: Hi Paul, Do you fancy coming over to mine on Saturday for a praccy?
Sausagefest2190: Hi Neil, yeah I'll be over Saturday what time? Juan-Long-Dong: There are 10 naked men here waiting for your love-juice do you you think you can handle them?
Neil_S: Is it o.k. if you come over for 10am?
Sausagefest2190: Oh yes, I can cum at 10. Just you watch! Neil_S: You mean 'Come' don't you?
Sausagefest2190:Fucksticks! Err...yeah typo. Sorry gotta go.

 

by El_Phen
10-25-05
If Chris2 ruled the world...
Ok, you rule the world so everything that happens is YOUR fault! Come on lads, lets overthrow this incompetant hippy!
Fuck-beans
If Chris ruled the World...
Murder, Death, Kill, Murder, Death, Kill, Murder, Death, Kill, Murder, Death, Kill, Murder, Death, Kill, mmmmmm Bacon Murder, Death, Kill, Murder, Death, Kill, Murder, Death, Kill, Murder, Death, Kill
If Darren Ruled the World...
sfshfshduhushhd....$20? Get outta here.

 

by El_Phen
10-25-05
If Neil Ruled the World...
...And now, in his 5,000,000th sell-out concert. The world's favourite Physician/Rock God/Time-travelling Pimp from the Furture! Neil!
Sweet
If Dave Ruled the World...From the Lawn of 'Dave's House'
Wow Dave, you are just way too sexy after making getting stoned comulsary let me pleasure you and then fuck off never to bother you again.
Sweet
If Paul Ruled the World...
This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you...probably...now, bend over and think of Jesus.
Sweet

 

by El_Phen
10-27-05
At yet another successsful PV gig (we'll assume that in some parrallel universe somewhere they've been gigging). If, by the time you read this, they HAVE been gigging then ignore this statement.
Hey Dave, I've been coming to Virus gigs for a while now and I think you're pertty sexy
Well, I've been noticing you at these gigs and I've got to say that you're the cutest 10 year old Vietnamese girl I've seen this week.
You wanna come back stage and, you know, Sucky-sucky fi dorra?
How 'bout we get a sheep, some barbed wire and a roll of duct tape and you meet me in the dungeon in ten minutes wearing a gimp-suit?
Stupid, stupid, stupid!

 

by El_Phen
10-27-05
What the HELL!? A BACON-Fest?

 

by El_Phen
10-31-05
If Stuart ruled the world
Hah, Hah, Hah, Hah, Hah, Hah, Hah, Hah, Hah, Hah, Hah, Hah! All the lesser people's of the Earth have tasted firey death at my hands...Only me left...I'm lonely....I miss Gupta.
If Pennington ruled the world
Now that I rule the world I can use my giant, red, ass-raping robot to defile all who oppose me when playing Mario-Kart or Street Fighter! Go Forth and Cornhole oh red robot!
Bend over boys. I gotta plug an' y'all got the socket!
If Phil ruled the world...sorry, it's just too sick, even for here.

 

by El_Phen
11-02-05
One day in Hell...
Oh shit! Dave had sex didn't he?

 

You're right Dave, novelty condoms DO make it look bigger. Thaks for the demo.
by El_Phen, 11-06-05

 

by El_Phen
11-06-05
Greetings, and welcome to Dave's mind. What follows is a brief observation as to the thought processes that go into making Each and every one of Dave's musings. Enjoy.

 

by El_Phen
11-06-05
Hello once again gentle-folk. Next up on the 'Into the Mind of...' series we take a look at Neil's mind. What you see may shock and upset younger viewers.
It's rainin' MEN! Hallelujah! etc. etc.
I'm sorry Mr. and Mrs. Coleman, the cock-ectomy was successful. Dave now has a penis.
My GOD he's sexy
My GOD I'm sexy.
Sucky-sucky, fi dorra!

 

by El_Phen
11-06-05
In the next episode of 'Into the Mind of...' we feature the bassist from Perfect Virus known as 'Paul' or 'Sodomizer 7000' on internet forums
mmmmm. Young boys and a member of the Village people.

 

by El_Phen
12-09-05
One fo the numerous examples often quoted regarding Chaos Theory is that a Butterfly flapping its wings can cause a hurricane on the othr side of the world.
Dude what the HELL did you just say?
Wha? Oh, sorry I was just thinking out loud.Now, where was I? Ah yes. Sausage, sausage, sausage, sausage and a sausage fest. That completes the top 100 list of things I want to shove in my ass.

 

by El_Phen
12-20-05
Dave! We're gigging again in a little over a week, we've got to start practicing.
Yeah, I'll get my guitar. You know where Paul is?
Meanwhile, several miles away in Paul's dungeon...
Time to Test out my 'Neil' Real-Doll. I hope they got the anal measurements right!
No, but I just felt a shiver run down my spine.

 

by El_Phen
12-24-05
We go now to Santa's workshop were we see jolly old St. Nic working on the presents for the band this year firstly Dave...
So that 's two bags of top quality pollen, 3 bags of skins and a beer?
Yeah the l'il stoner's done good this year. Pleasured MANY fine lay-deez. He needs a rest
...then Neil...
Let's see what's on Neils Christmas list then; 1) A reliable drummer 2) Another new Lotus 3) A new virgin sheep to sacrifice to his Dark Gods
Another new Lotus? Does he EAT them or something?
..and Lastly Paul.
And finally we come to Paul...HOW MANY!?...in WHERE!?...with a GOAT!? Oh, and Foy's home number and something to disguise his voice.
That boy just ain't right. Still, his testimony helped get Michael Jacson off so he can't be all bad.

 

by El_Phen
12-24-05
On today's "Inside the mind of..." we travel inside the mind of Dave, be careful people, we may find out why he's so angry.
Why must I be so inferior in bed!? Oh why must I continually picture James to become aroused? WHY?
Don't mention that name in vain! his particular style fo hairy-assed lovin' is a GOD SEND. I may have to nail your cock to the wall.. just like he used to. *sigh*
Hello, I'm Dave's inner child. So far I've been in a James, in a Phil in a...
Hello, I'm Dave's centre of Tactical thought and contemplation. There's a good reason I look like a chicken.
And we come to the final resting place of Dave's self respect and hope, lost some time in the late 1990's they are gone...but not forgotten.

 

by El_Phen
1-23-06
At a gig that the band are forced to play for some reason...
YAY I'm up past 9pm!
Cool, I get to hear bands swearing!
Man, this better be as good as that Blink 182 concert I saw.
Who put us in a show that the under-friggin-18's can see!?
Meanwhile, backstage...
Yeah! What sick bastard wants to see a bunch of school kids gettin' wasted on alcopops and screaming for some dumb-ass with pathetic facial hair?
heh-heh-heh

 

by El_Phen
2-03-06
Hello. Once again on "Inside the Mind Of..." we travel into the very conciousness of a lucky human. Todays guinea pig is Darren...let's watch.
Mmmm, Beer.
Fucked if I know.

 

by El_Phen
3-21-06
So, Jesus, you died for our sins then?
Yup.
You dumb ass.

 

by El_Phen
3-22-06
Hello Daddy.
Not again!
Wow Dave, your penis is REALLY small.
Not Again!
Hi Dave, ready for some Sausage-Fest Action?
What, again?

 

by El_Phen
3-24-06
Just to give you an idea about what my day is like...Average Call #1
Hello Job Centre Plus ho...
Look, I want a job and I know your job better than YOU so listen to my self important, arrogant demands which will no doubt leave you insane with rage as you speak.
Average Call #2
Hello, Job Centre Plus, how can I help?
I want job. I no speak English and say random words at various points during converstion. I make repeat every word and spell out everything while I'm at it. Oh I get annoyed when not you know what say
Average Call #3
Hello, Job Centre Plus, how can I help?
Give me the number for a company/benefit enquiry that you have ABSOLUTELY no knowledge of despite being called Job Seekers Direct and not Yellow Fucking Pages where the information I actually need is.

 

by El_Phen
3-27-06
This is an investigation into the darker side of the Virus Boys. Be warned, what you see here may shock you....First Dave...
Oh well, time for a quiet night in for once. I think I'll listen to some PHIL COLLINS! while reading The DAILY MAIL!
...and then Neil...
Thank you Reverend Neil, I'd LOVE to attend your Bible Classes at the YMCA after you've given your generous donations to Friends of the Earth!
Be at peace my child.
...and finally the horror of Paul and a mirror.
*wap* *wap* *wap* *wap* *wap* *wap* SPLAT. Yeah, whose daddy

 

by El_Phen
3-27-06
Let's see, no crucifix, no Bible, no rosary beeds.
What are you doing Neil?
Losing my religion.
I'll just go over here then.

 

by El_Phen
3-28-06
Today we look at the television series that have been made based upon the lives of our 75th (or worse) favourite band. As always, first is Dave in "Beverley Hills 90210"
Ok, that's ninety thousand, two hndred and ten women called 'Beverley Hills' molested. Time to move on to'The Magnificent Seven'. Young boys that is.
*sob*
Neil's movie, as we all know was 'Touched by an Angel' - Sorry, I stole this gag from Family Guy
...and where did Neil touch you Timmy?
In m, m, my special place.
..and who can forget Paul's controversial show "Der ScheißeIn meinem Mund"
Ya, Das is Gut Baby. Scheiße in meinem Mund

 

When Dave met Rudolph there could only be one disgusting outcome.
by El_Phen, 3-31-06

 

by El_Phen
4-24-06
At yet another gig...
Dude! Why was Dave defiling every orifice you have?
Well, you know I got that back stage pass for the gig?
Yeah?
It said access all areas on the front and he thought it was an invitiation
That must've hurt.
What are you talking about? He's so small he didn't touch the sides. Now if it had been Paul...

 

by El_Phen
4-24-06
So Phennah, you're not scheduled to come down here until about 30 years from now. Why so early?
Well, you remember that comic I did about Dave and his *ahem* size?
Yeah, laughed my arse off to that one.
Well he didn't think it was funny and beat the crap outta me.
He beat you so bad you died?
No, his girlish blows caused me to laugh so much I forgot to breathe.

 

by El_Phen
4-24-06
So Phennah, you're not scheduled to come down here until about 30 years from now. Why so early?
Well, you remember that comic I did about Dave and his *ahem* size
Yeah, laughed my arse off to that one.
Well he didn't think it was funny and beat the crap outta me.
He beat you so bad you died?
No I shat myself with laughter and slipped.

 

by El_Phen
5-02-06
I wuv you Cuddle-bunny-kins.
Uh-huh.
Oo knows oo makes daddy happy doesn't oo?
Whatever
And oo makes mummy happy too doesn't oo?
Dave, stop talking to your right hand and come to bed!

 

by El_Phen
5-02-06
The Empire Strikes Back
Luke, join me and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son.
Ok
The Exorcist
The only thing the power of Christ compels me to do is kick your arse! EVIL RULES!
Oh fu...
All Quiet On The Western Front
So, did I miss anything?

Showing page 2.

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