All comics by Externalization

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by Externalization
10-11-04
Class, today we'll be discussing ways of celebrating Columbus Day.
Ms. White, how can we have a holiday dedicated to that thieving genocidal murderer?
Powaqa, you're not going to start trouble again, are you?
Why not Cortez Day? Andrew Jackson Day? Hitler day? Pol Pot Day? Emperor Palpatine Day?
Dear Lord, I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving this year!
Oh, I've got a good one. George W. Bush Day. Everyone could take 250 days off from work!

 

by Externalization
10-11-04
I had a great Columbus Day. I went to Walmart and decided to "discover" the place.
I'll steal everything that's of any value and destroy anything I have no use for.
You're making a mess of this place! It's virtually uninhabitable now!
I practically enslaved everyone who was there and forced them into smaller and smaller areas of the store.
I'm claiming Home Furnishings for my territory. Get your asses to the Toys section immediately.
But you promised us Home Furnishings in the last treaty you made us sign.
After cheating them out of everything they ever had, stealing their dignity and raping their culture, I killed them all.
I never did find that new route to India, though.
Looks like the joke's on you then.

 

by Externalization
10-27-04
Caesars come and Caesars go. The rule remains unchanged.
Republics crumble, dictators fall. The proletariat starts to complain.
Propaganda artists have their fun plucking the lion's mane.
Ball of authority bounced back and forth. Freedom floats away in the rain.
Work within the system, man. I swear it's not in vain.
"The System" is the problem! Has the whole world gone insane?

 

by Externalization
10-27-04
Come on, you have to vote this year! I'll get you Slayer tickets if you do.
All right, fine, but I'll have you know, I'm voting for Bush.
Bush??? But you hate Bush!
I also hate humanity and society. What better way to fuck with them then by helping Bush?
I just felt a chill down my spine.
I like to call that "the creeping realization of truth."

 

by Externalization
10-27-04
Who do you support in this election, sir? Bush? Kerry? Nader?
My vote'll be going to the rich old white American imperialist Christian male.
Um... I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific, sir.
You know, the one who's out of touch with reality? Has his own sinister agenda?
Still no help, sir.
Screw it. I'll just flip a coin.

 

by Externalization
10-31-04
Outlaw Halloween!
Oh, for the love of buggery!
Halloween is part of a Satanic conspiracy to indoctrinate children into witchcraft and sacrifice them!
Really? I thought it was a capitalist conspiracy to get us to buy tons of candy and crappy costumes.
Oh, that's exactly what the Luciferian homosexualist banking cabal wants you to believe.
You know, it's not too late to find a costume for you. How'd you like to go as a stick puppet?

 

by Externalization
10-31-04
There are thousands of Satanic murderers around here. They kill millions of people every Halloween.
Without a single body ever being found? I'm impressed.
They're cannibals. They eat the bodies and use the remaining bones to build abortion clinics.
And how do you know all this when the police and media don't?
An angel told me.
Little boy, have you been eating candy from strangers before your mommy checks it?

 

by Externalization
10-31-04
Brains! Brains!
Back off, crusty!
Ah! Another one! Where are all these zombies coming from?
Brains! Brains!
The curse has been reversed! For the first time in 86 years, the Red Sox have won the World Series!
Brains?

 

by Externalization
10-31-04
Why does every costume I see have to be based on a recent movie?
Hi, I'm Gandalf the Grey.
I am the Christ. Witness my Passion.
I'm Michael Moore. It was the Republicans who killed you, you know.
I'm Halle Berry's busted-ass version of Catwoman.
I've got to admit, though, it is pretty frightening.

 

by Externalization
11-02-04
So you voted, right?
Yeah. I feel so dirty. Am I a sellout?
Dude, you did it for Slayer tickets!
That is a worthy cause, but still...
SLAAA-YEERRRR!!!!
Oddly enough, I do feel a little better now.

 

by Externalization
11-02-04
Please tell me you didn't really vote for Bushitler.
No, I had a change of heart while in the booth. I realized who should really be in charge.
Who?
Oderus Urungus of GWAR.
I'm not sure he's eligible. Wasn't he born on another planet or something?
Shit! Your right! I've thrown away my vote!

 

by Externalization
11-02-04
Hmm, I appear to be the straight man here. Clearly not the point of view character.
And I seem to be the exaggerated personification of the author's cynical side.
I'm portrayed as a liberal Democrat/quasi-socialist, implying that leftists will be the butt of these jokes.
Yes, but due to my detached nihilistic attitude, I can stab at all political ideologies simultaneously.
In case you missed the memo: Marx is obsolete.

 

by Externalization
11-03-04
It was so close. So close!
A race that close means that both candidates ultimately failed to win the public's approval.
You're probably happy about everyone being miserable, huh?
Of course. A miserable American public is exactly what the world needs most right now.
This is no time to be seeing the big picture. This day shall live in infamy!
You know, I think it just suddenly dawned on me why the terrorists hate us.

 

by Externalization
11-03-04
It's the end of the world. It's the end of the world.
Oh, come on. It's not so bad. Try to look on the bright side.
Bright side? Try naming one single positive thing about Bushitler being elected.
Um... we're still only four "unfortunate accidents" away from having our first black president?
Bullshit! Everyone knows that Bill Clinton was the first black American president!
There's just going to be no cheering you up for the next four years, is there?

 

by Externalization
11-03-04
We're not safe anymore. Dubya's going to start WWIII. We're all doomed.
Your security is not in the hands of Kerry or Bush or al Qaeda. Your security is in your own hands.
I guess you're ri--Wait! Did you just fucking quote Osama bin Laden???
Well it's just a good quote is all. It doesn't mean--
You just quoted fucking Osama bin Laden!!!
I was just... you know... all right, all right, forget I said anything. Jeez.

 

by Externalization
11-03-04
I'm so fucking depressed today.
I bet I know how to make you happy again.
No. No matter what you're thinking, it won't work.
SLAAAY-EERRR!!!!!
Hey, what do you know? It worked!
See? In the end, you always go back to what's really important.

 

by Externalization
11-08-04
Have you ever been able to come up with a graceful way of removing a condom after sex?
You mean without making a mess everywhere? No, it gets me every time.
If you try to roll it down, it keeps slipping out of your fingers and the jizz dribbles everywhere.
Yeah, or if you just snap it off after you go limp, it splashes up in your face.
What? You've had it splash up in your face???
Uh... no.

 

by Externalization
11-17-04
Well, the bidding's up to $16,000 now.
For the cheese sandwich with the Virgin Mary on it?
Yeah, my annual salary for a ten year old sandwich.
What could you even do with it? Is the buyer going to eat it?
More importantly, if they did eat it, would Mary still be a virgin?
Hey, according to Bill Clinton, that doesn't count as sex.

 

by Externalization
11-17-04
Wait, I thought the bidding was $22,000 the other day. Why did it go down?
Ebay took it down for awhile because they were questioning it's legitimacy .
Why? She couldn't prove that it was ten years old?
That, or they realized how fucking ridiculous it is to believe in that fairy tale Immaculate Conception bullshit.
Of course, that's coming from a guy who lets a cheese sandwich get on his nerves.
It's 2004 and non-retarded adults are seriously praying to a grilled cheese sandwich! I have every right to be pissed!

 

by Externalization
11-17-04
So what's in the sandwich? Besides Jesus's mom, I mean.
Just cheese. American cheese.
No mayo?
No, it was grilled. You don't grill mayonnaise .
*sigh* A sandwich just isn't a sandwich without the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.
Amen.

 

by Externalization
11-20-04

 

by Externalization
11-20-04

 

by Externalization
11-20-04

 

by Externalization
11-20-04

 

by Externalization
11-20-04

 

by Externalization
11-20-04

 

by Externalization
11-20-04

 

by Externalization
11-20-04

 

by Externalization
11-22-04
Assassination, Osama bin Laden, jihad, biohazard, Columbine, Waco, Zionism, Roswell, UFO, Army of Christ, white power, Wilhelm Reich, orgonomy, JFK, microchip implants, Cheyenne Mountain.
Federal Reserve, United Nations, Black Panthers, AIM, environmentalism, ELF pulses, mind control, HAARP, freemasonry, polio vaccine, AIDS, Zapatista, militia, Timothy McVeigh, NORAD.
Unabomber, Illuminati, MKULTRA, Farrakhan, Majestic-12, New World Order, Heaven's Gate, communism, Kervorkian, coup, Satanism, apocalypse, TWA Flight 800, anthrax.
Anal sex, remote viewing, Trilateral Commission, anarchy, terrorism, Kip Kinkle, Gemstone Files, Anunnaki, electromagnetic manipulation, eugenics, FEMA, amanita muscaria.
Wait, why was anal sex in there?
I just like anal sex is all.

 

by Externalization
11-29-04
Did you hear? They changed the name of High Street. It's Frederick Douglass Avenue now.
I know. I had suggested an alternate name, but no one ever listens to me.
What did you want to call it?
Empty Gesture Avenue.
I have a feeling I know why no one ever listens to you.
I thought Dress It Up Any Way You Want, It's Still A Fucking Ghetto Avenue was too long a name.

 

by Externalization
12-09-04
Nathan Gale, disgruntled Pantera fan
I just don't know how to cope with my favorite band breaking up.
Nathan Gale, moronic fucking asshole
I know, I'll kill the guitarist. That'll fix everything.
R.I.P. Dimebag Darrell Abbott
Let us pray that Nathan Gale has made it to Heaven.
Yeah, so he'll never get to hear Dimebag rocking out in Hell.

 

by Externalization
12-13-04
The Ball. I had left with someone I met there. A Stripcreator regular. But who? The sudden flashbacks attacking my mind kept distracting me. I tried to concentrate.
I don't think these pants are mine, but I guess they'll have to do.
A brief burst of violence... I'm running from a police siren...I've lost something important... a woman's voice trying to tell me something I need to know...
The fresh cuts and scratches I started finding all over my body were too small to account for the amount of blood staining my hands and forearms. It had obviously belonged to someone else at one time.
There's only one person who can help me figure this out. I'd better go see him.

 

by Externalization
12-28-04
You know, I have to be honest. I'm having some serious doubts about this whole Kwanzaa thing.
What is it that´s troubling you?
Well, I've been reading up on the Nguzo Saba like you suggested, and a few of them left me with a bit of a Communist aftertaste.
Absolutely untrue. Kwanzaa is about spiritually uniting an imagined world African community. It doesn't require you to adopt any specific socio-political affiliation.
Ujima: Collective Work and Responsibility. Ujamaa: Cooperative Economics.
You know, it`s thanks to counter-revolutionary thinkers like you that I have to show up to work every day, comrade.

 

by Externalization
12-28-04
To demonstrate how Newcastle Brown Ale is never bitter, I'm here talking to some Democrats two months after the election.
It still doesn't make sense. Kerry was leading by double digits in nationwide exit polls.
See? Now this is bitter!
Wally O'Dell promised to give Ohio to Dubya before unveiling the Diebold voting machine, which conveniently leaves no paper trail.
Unlike democracy, Newcastle Brown Ale will never leave you bitter.
When I said "vote or die," I thought it was understood that I meant "vote against Bushitler or die!"

 

by Externalization
12-28-04
We took this dimwitted, coke-addled hillbilly frat boy and tried to pass him off as the winner of a presidential election.
Our nation must come together to unite.
Welcome to his world.
Watch him strain his credibility more each week as he presents ridiculous challenges to the American people.
Jesus told me to throw out the Bill of Rights in the name of homeland security.
Whatever you say, chief.
Who will be eliminated next?
Saddam... get the hell out of your office!
Boy, won`t their faces be red once they realize that the Fox network staged this whole thing!

 

by Externalization
1-06-05
Hey, did you hear the latest Dave Mustaine news?
No. What news?
He announced that was so shaken by the death of Dimebag Darrell that it inspired him to change his ways.
How so?
He's called off the feud with Metallica and apologized to Slayer, all former Megadeth members and managers, and any metal fans he's offended in the past.
Oh, I get it. He went and made a list of all the people likely to rush up on stage one day and blow his sorry ass away.

 

by Externalization
1-06-05
Dave Mustaine's flaunting of his born again Christian inclinations is an affront to all we stand for.
Yeah, we should send one of our people to kick his bitchy little ass. How about Glen Danzig?
Um... remember what happened last time Danzig was in a fight? We'd better send someone we know will get the job done.
Jack White?
You're just trying to piss me off, aren't you?
What can I say? I look at results.

 

by Externalization
1-10-05
Why is it so warm out today? It's supposed to be the middle of winter.
It's a result of the tsunami in Asia. You can expect a lot of subtle little weather changes to pop up all over the world, including our unusually mild winter here.
Sweet mother of coprophilia! I'm loving me some Asian tsunami!

 

by Externalization
1-10-05
I've just joined the Coalition For Reparations For Slavery.
Oh, come on. You know the idea of reparations is totally unfeasable in this day and age.
We were promised 40 acres and a mule back in 1865. As far as I'm concerned, the government still owes us that.
Yeah, well it's 2005 now.
As far as I'm concerned, someone owes me a flying car with a British accent that folds into a suitcase.

 

by Externalization
1-12-05
Today at the homeless shelter were I volunteer, we had a lot of new clients waiting in the reception area. Every seat was full.
Any time someone got up, this one woman Jan would leave her seat and sit where they had been.
Thing is, Jan had her period today. She evidently lacked a pad, as her meat chunk-laden blood was marking each spot where she'd been.
Whenever Jan made a move, it meant one less person who could sit down when the room reached maximum capacity again.
So was it wrong for me to keep playing "Pop Goes the Weasel" on my ukulele for all those hours?
And to think I almost called in sick today!

 

by Externalization
1-12-05
If I could just reach the chalice without the candle falling off my head, I could prevent the church from exploding.
My only problem now: How to convince the triceratops to keep perfectly still.

 

by Externalization
1-14-05
I was so devastated by the news of the tsunami in Asia!
Oh, please. There's more suffering, misery, and death in the world every day caused by you and your lifestyle.
What do you mean?
Should I start with the diamond on your finger, the apartheid, holocaust and wars it costs Africa, or your clothes produced by Asian child slave labor?
I don't want to think about that. Let's just go to McDonald's for some burgers.
Mmmm... dead cow.

 

by Externalization
1-17-05
The standards by which we judge humor differ depending on whether we are witnessing an actual occurrence or reading a work of fiction.
Something that makes you laugh in real life does not necessarily translate into a good comic unless some details are altered or exaggerated.
Also, you have very limited space in which to set up the premise of your joke and deliver a punchline.
The audience doesn't know you, so in order to frame your narrative in a context they'll understand, you have to utilize universally recognized symbols.
You used the picture of the crazy old scientist guy to represent me! That's it, no sex for a week!
And most importantly, always write under a pseudonym.

 

by Externalization
2-02-05
This building has a very old plumbing system, so you have to be careful what you put in this thing.
Such as?
Never put food in here. Rats have been known to climb up through the pipes into the toilet if there's something to attract them.
Hmmm, this looks like a good place to take a shit.

 

by Externalization
2-09-05
I tried smoking pot once and it sucked. It was like a fever. I couldn't think straight.
It didn't relax you at all? It didn't make food taste better?
No, I just felt disoriented and uncomfortable.
Were you listening to Bob Marley at the time?
No.
Ah, I see your problem, then.

 

by Externalization
2-10-05
You think you're bad? Last night I asked my wife for umox!
And she knew what I was talking about!

 

by Externalization
2-12-05
The world makes me nauseous. Why can't I stay here in hiding? I just went out in public a month ago.
There are things I need at the store and I'm too busy to go myself. Come on, it won't be so bad.
Everyone out there seems so lifeless and automated. Their mechanical eyes stare right through me. Especially when I'm shopping for you!
Don't worry, I kept the list simple this time. Only essentials. Nothing to be embarrassed about.
...and six boxes of mushroom flavored condoms, please.

 

by Externalization
2-14-05
I still don't believe you managed to get yourself kicked out of Disney On Ice!
It's not like it was my fault. Security was being totally unreasonable.
You screamed "Minnie's a slut!" in the middle of the show.
That fucking whore started it!

 

by Externalization
2-15-05
You doing anything on Friday?
Yeah, every Friday is movie night for me and my friends. We watch a few DVDs here before going to see a new movie.
Oh, cool. What are you watching this week?
We're going to put on From Hell and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, then we're going out to see Constantine.
So this week's theme is... fuck Alan Moore in the ass?
Without lube!

 

by Externalization
2-22-05
They aren't supposed to allow suicides past the front gate, so I knew I'd have to lie my ass off. Luckily, the security guards are exceptionally naive here.
My name is... um... Ossie Davis.
Right this way, Mr. Davis. We've been expecting you.
I normally wouldn't be caught dead in a cultist's den like this, but the delectable irony of strolling into the one place they always claimed I couldn't reach was worth shooting up a little lead.
RIGHTEOUSNESS! PURITY! ABSTINENCE! PRAIZE THA LAWD!
No one'll mind if I indulge myself just a little bit.
Heaven: Glorious city of God, or a massive interstellar cesspool expanding ad naseum through the endothermic consumption of used souls of depraved self-deluded pricks who made mortal life unbearable?
Richard Nixon? How the holy fuck did you get in here?
My sins were all pardoned , remember?

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