All comics by Ezrael

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by Ezrael
11-07-03
Our heroes...snicker...grapple with the premise for the series.
Okay, enough of this lame-ass jive. We're seriously going to buckle down and figure out exactly what the deal is with Thanksgiving: where it come from, whence it goes, and how it can be stopped.
Sounds like a plan. How do you intend to do this? We going to the local library? Gonna do some digging in the reference section? Maybe a web search?
I suppose you could solicit answers from the local college history departments, or even do a quick trip to Washington DC and check out the national archives.
Yeah, we could do all that stuff.
But I figured screw it, clubbed Christopher Lloyd over the head, and stole this here Time Machine. Strap in, because we're going Back...to Thanksgiving!
I am going to beat you to death with the first drumstick I come across, so you'd better pray this thing doesn't crash land at a Ren Faire...or the actual Renaissance, for that matter.

 

by Ezrael
11-07-03
The origins of Thanksgiving lie in the war-torn 1860's, as Civil War still grips the land...
Hold it right there, rebel scum! You and your whole army are through now that we've captured your base here on Ice Planet Hoth...I mean, Cold Harbor!
Oh, cruel fate, that my battle should end like this. And yet, I die for my ideals...and for the right of some rich person I have never met to own other people. Man, this sucks.
So, here we are, in the 1860's, watching a whole lot of people die.
Yeah, I really feel like I should be enjoying this a lot more than I am. You know what would really spice this up?
Getting back on track for our quest to discover the truth about Thanksgiving?
Uhm...if by that you mean personally intervening in the course of history by ending the Civil War two years early via a blood-soaked rampage through the Confederate Generals, then hells yeah.

 

by Ezrael
11-08-03
Well, I've killed Pickett, Jackson, that guy played by Tom Berenger in Gettysburg, Stonewall Jackson, Braxton Bragg and just to make sure, I also killed General Hooker and McClellan on the Union side
Very thorough. I'm sure that's messed up history real good. Could we get back to the putative point of this trip now, namely Thanksgiving?
I don't really see any reason to. I mean, it's obvious that the origin of Thanksgiving is going to be in the praise the Union heaps upon me for having singlehandedly won the war for them.
Man, have you even read Ray Bradbury? This is going to backfire on you in so many ways that it isn't even funny, doofus. And of course as the guy with the time machine I'm gonna have to fix it.
I don't see how anything could possibly go wrong with this plan.
Yeah, hi? We're the Time-Traveling Robot Nazi Deathtroopers from the alternate timeline created when someone went back and killed all the Confederate Generals thus ending the Civil War early.

 

by Ezrael
11-08-03
One temporal causality violation later, our intrepid heroes must forgo discovering the origins of Thanksgiving during the Civil War to deal with the advent of a new enemy...
Sweet Enola Gay, what the hell? Robot Hitler!? I was sure I put an axe in your head! Well, nothing like going for twosies...
Uh, el shmucko, maybe you might notice he's got an entire army of robot nazi's backing him up before you go getting axe-happy.
Indeed, my fine foolish friends! First you played unwittingly into my hands by inadverdently destroying the American fighting spirit, allowing I and my Nazi party to take over the world...
And now at this, our first meeting, you will know the meaning of defeat by a man with his brain in a robot body who is about to take over the past as well! Hahahahahahah! Laugh with me, freakazoids!
"Oh no, nothing could possibly go wrong with this plan." You stink.
Hey, at least I was trying to contribute something positive to the world through killing famous historical figures before their time. My only crime is caring too much. And multiple homicide.

 

by Ezrael
11-08-03
All right, Robot Hitler, you may have survive our last encounter...somehow...but this time, you and your innumerable horde of robot nazi's don't stand a chance!
What in the name of Horst Wessel are you talking about, you tiki faced idiot? Robot Hitler has never known defeat. It is you and your surly manservant who shall wither and fall before me.
Pete, it's no use. Although this is our second time meeting Robo Hitler, this is his first time meeting us. Time travel and all that.
Aw, man...wait a minute, are you telling me that when Hitler was ranting about us being old enemies, he wasn't entirely full of crap?
This sucks! Not only do I know even less about Thanksgiving now than I did when this series started, now I found out that my idiot friend accidentally made my worst enemy!
On the bright side, you didn't end up being called a manservant. I mean, do I look like I'd wipe your withered nutscack with a soapy washcloth?

 

by Ezrael
11-08-03
And so, amidst the snowy wastes of Hoth...I mean the Civil War, November 1863...our heroes flee the onslaught of robot nazis while struggling to save Thanksgiving.
Achtung! Ach du lieber! Gott in himmel!
Well, you've pretty much exhausted the writer's supply of old Comic Book German phrases...thanks, Karl. I guess I'll just say schnell a lot, you dick.
It's good to see that their hearts are in the right place.
Well, the robot nazi's appear to be gaining on us.
Yes, that's great, now less narrating and more running, 'Sundance.' We gotta get to the time machine and fix this if I'm ever going to get to ogle the hot scientist on Jake 2.0 again.

 

by Ezrael
11-08-03
Okay, now what did we learn from our trip to 1863, exactly?
...that when killing Civil War Generals to bring about the early end of said war, it's best to be prepared for robot nazis to stop by and harsh on our bloodthirsty buzz?
And what didn't we learn from our trip to 1863, exactly?
...the true origins of Thanksgiving?
The sad thing is, that's probably the best plan we could have expected out of him.
And so what, exactly, are we going to use this time machine to do now?
Head over to Austria circa 1862 or so and kill absolutely everyone named Shicklgruber or Hitler or Hiedler or who has a bad bowl haircut and a Charlie Chaplin mustache?

 

by Ezrael
11-08-03
The Austro-Hungarian Empire, 1862
GET OVER HERE, VAGUELY REMINISCENT OF HITLER PERSON! TIME FOR YOUR DIRT NAP WITH A SIDE OF BUTCHER KNIFE NARCOLEPSY!
Achtzehn! Someone stop his reign of terror!
Pant, pant...okay, that makes something like six thousand of these lame-o's I've killed. So that should do it, right?
Maybe, if you'd actually stop to find out if they were in any way, shape or form RELATED TO HITLER FIRST!
Y'see, Commandant Kills-Too-Quick, while you certainly are giving the butterfly effect a workout, just running up to every vaguely mustached Austrian and cutting him down is simply inefficient.
No doubt. Personally, while talking about Thanksgiving, I personally give thanks for your psychotic fat manservants ineptitude, time-meddling tiki scum.

 

by Ezrael
11-08-03
Crush. Kill. Destroy. Maybe rape, too, if I can figure out if I have a cock or not.
You want some, Johnny 5? I didn't watch every damn episode of Battlebots ever made because I WASN'T getting read for the inevitable robot uprising, tin-tits.
Let's get this over with, Forbidden Planet.
At last, I shall crush you and then there will be no one from stopping my inevitable march to conquest on the very ash pile of Thanksgiving.
Listen here, you stainless steel eunuch, you aren't fighting your own neice this time, and NOBODY ruins Thanksgiving until I FIND OUT WHAT THE DAMN ORIGIN OF THE FREAKING HOLIDAY IS!!!
Mein torso! Mein precious torso!

 

by Ezrael
11-12-03
Well, Doctor Schmidttt...t, it certainly seems that those little sociopaths are certainly in a fine dilly of a pickle, brawling with Robo Hitler and his time traveling machine Nazis in Austria, 1862
I drink my own urine, and I heartily recommend you do too! No, no, not your own urine, MY urine!
Yeah, I generally think there ought to be a law against travelling back in time to find out the true origins of Thanksgiving, even though I know our encyclopedias are controlled by the Bildebergers.
As a fellow law enforcement officer, I would agree with you if I weren't secretly an agent of the Trilateral Commission.
...himmel?
You'll get used to it. Basically it means the hack who "writes" these things is either out of ideas, piss drunk or has been reading Jim Marrs again. By the way, you fight like a little bitch, Hitler.

 

by Ezrael
11-12-03
When last we left our Lil' Sociopaths, they were fighting time-traveling robot Nazis in Austria, 1862. Man, this whole Thanksgiving thing is but the flimsiest of conceits.
Pant, pant...well, that's a whole lot of smashed and burning robot Nazis...almost festive, really.
Yeah, that's right, who's the man? Pete's the man! Look at that realistic Hitler-ass-kicking Battle Damage (tm)!
Fools! You have won nothing! I will merely travel back in time to the very origins of Thanksgiving and *destroy your precious holiday from within!* Hahahahahah (Hurrk! Sorry, got something stuck.)
Oh no! Is Thanksgiving doomed?
Shit, if he'd have stayed out of it, I think Rossi would have just destroyed the holiday out of sheer ennui. But since I wasn't done kicking Hitler's ass yet, it's Back...to the PAST! Or whatever.

 

by Ezrael
11-12-03
Well, crapcrabs. Now we have to get back into the time machine and chase Hitler to the origins of Thanksgiving, and we don't even know when that is!
Oh, relax. I got it covered.
Really? You're sure about this now? You didn't really seem to be all that sure of what you were doing before...
Look, I was a history major in college, I *know* when the origin of Thanksgiving was, okay? I was just having some fun with a time machine before, but now that we're after Hitler I'm serious.
The Early Eocene, 49.3 Million Years Ago
Matt, a Propalaeotherium is *humping my leg.* Why on Earth did you take us back millions of years into the past before human beings were born to find the origins of Thanksgiving?
Duh! Everyone knows that Thanksgiving originated among our ancestors the godinotia monkeys. Now look out, that one's hurling its thanks at you right now.

 

by Ezrael
11-12-03
Still the Early Eocene, 49.1 million years ago...or whatever, close enough.
How did you manage to lose the damn time machine?!? Now we're stranded in some weird ass prehistoric forest and I'm probably going to get eaten by a dinosaur.
Oh, relax. The dinosaurs are long extinct by this point in time. The only real threat you have to worry about is Gastornis.
Gastornis? What's that...*GURRKHH!*
Gastornis was this six foot tall, thousand pound predatory bird. Kind of like a cross between a parrot, Attila the Hun and a thousand pound killer bird. Fast, deadly, could crack bones like walnuts...
Sounds nasty.
Holy shit was it ever. I'd hate to be the poor bastard who fell into the flesh rending talons of a Gastornis, let me tell you. That poor asshole's life wouldn't be worth a subscription to Maxim.

 

by Ezrael
11-12-03
Deuce, having been abducted by Gastornis, awakens in a dark cave...oh, right, and it's still 49 million years ago, you big babies.
...man, my head feels like I went on another of those Condo seminars with Terrance McKenna and BIG F&^#ING BIRDS!
Oh, look! The mammal is awake!
Excellent! And he's such a delightfully plump and tasty looking mammal! You get started on pulling his intestines out and stuffing him with wheat, I'll get the volcanic vent ready.
...you're gonna do the what to my what now?
You know, gut you, stuff you, cook you and eat you. We do this every year around this time. Reminds us of how much we have to be thankful for.
I get a drumstick! Dibs on a drumstick!

 

by Ezrael
11-12-03
...zzz...oh, yes, you know I like it like that...zzz...oh, yes, even in the Eocene, some 49 million years ago...
Look, can't we discuss this like rational, civilized beings? I really don't think you want to eat me.
Oh, no, trust me, we really do. It's all we've been thinking about doing ever since we snatched you up and left Mortimer to crunch your ugly manservant up.
Okay, then let's try another tack. As a fellow sentient being, it's really not a good idea to try and eat me. Why not just snatch up another of those weird cat-horse things? It'd be better for us both
I'm sorry, but I really don't see why we should put off the succulent taste of roasted and stuffed mammal that we have right here in our hands to chase after another mammal in the bush.
You know what they say...a mammal in the hand is worth two in the bush and all that. Hah! I'm quite witty.
Yeah, you sure are. Say, about that ugly manservant...

 

by Ezrael
11-12-03
Zounds and forsooth! Our intrepid rapscallions doth dwell in the bosom of the Eocene, downy soft 49 million years before the common era!
Hey man, I'm glad to see you. And if the ability to move my arms was supported here, I'd give you a strapping yet manly hug.
Wasn't nothing, man. I got you into this so I had to get you out. Now let's get back to that Time Machine and chase down Hitler.
You realized I still had the keys, right?
Bingo. Otherwise you'd probably be lining the back of that cave right about now.

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