All comics by Hatrix

Profile

 

by Hatrix
10-16-06
Hey long time no seeee.... uh... Lara? Lisa? Uh.. whatever.
Yeah. Hi. I called you because I have something important to tell you.
Uh-huh.
Yes. I wasn't sure how to explain this so I guess I'll just go ahead and tell you....
Strike One.
...I'm pregnant.
Vasectomy. 1996.

 

by Hatrix
10-16-06
Hi Brad. Hey remember that party a few weeks ago?
Nope. I was pretty hammered.
Oh. So you don't remember you and I... um....
Nope. Not a damn thing.
Strike Two...
Well I need to tell you something important....
But Georgie had his vid-cam and was filming ALL NIGHT. HA! They built a beercan castle on top of my passed-out ass! It was hilarious!

 

by Hatrix
10-16-06
Hiiii Brad
Let me guess...You want to tell me that your little error in birth control is mine?
Yes.
So if it's MY kid then I get a say in this right?
Strike Three
Yes.
Good, I want an abortion.

 

by Hatrix
10-16-06
What's up Lara? You look sad.
Deb, I'm pregnant.
Sh*t. That sucks.
Whats worse is I'm not even sure who the father is. I even tried to accuse a guy I haven't slept with! Just so I can claim there IS a father.
Ha! And people think I'm a whore.
With friends like these....

 

by Hatrix
10-16-06
Excuse me! Your kid has been running around like a wild animal and befouling the buffet with his nasty, scummy little hands!
So.
So? SO?! He's ruined hundreds of dollars worth of food and chased half the other diners away with his screeching! Now DO something or I'm calling the cops!
HA! Yeah sure. Give me some free coupons and an apology or I'll tell everyone this place is UNFRIENDLY to families and children.
!$@%$*! breeders.

 

by Hatrix
10-16-06
Excuse me ma'am. Your four year old just broke a large, expensive item in the china dept.
Oh my poor baby! Is she ok?
Well yes, but perhaps this could have been avoided if you had been watching her. Now, how did you want to pay for that?
Pay? PAY?! Are you SERIOUS?
Uh....
Your defective merchandise practically KILLS my child and YOU expect ME to PAY for it? You'll be hearing from my LAWYER lady!

 

by Hatrix
10-16-06
Hey congrats on the new baby! I heard you were trying for a while.
Oh thank you! Larz and I are so happy. It's all we ever wanted! A perfect, wonderful beautiful baby boy! He really makes our union complete.
But uh.. don't you already have a kid?
Oh you know...he's from my first marriage, so, he doesn't really count.
Oh.
Aren't babies just the most perfect wonderful things ever?

 

by Hatrix
10-16-06
Death.
Ok. That's it.
Animal division - otherwise known as
You can get up now.
...Road kill Reaper
Am I...? Ewww is that my intestine sizzling on the pavement?
!@$*#! I hate this job.

 

by Hatrix
10-17-06
Ok, This is a kind of perception test... what's the first thing that comes to your mind?
Greed.
Pedophila
Religion
Ok I'm sensing some pessimism.
Animal cruelty
Humor

 

by Hatrix
10-18-06
F***ing hippie! Get a job you worthless, pot-smoking, liberal, pagan, tree-hugging, communist LOSER!
Eat sh*t and die you black-hearted, insider trading, war mongering, right-wing, gay-bashing, fascist SCUMBAG!
Last night's political debate went pretty much as expected....

 

by Hatrix
10-18-06
CNN....
Madonna adoption blah blah slut blah blah. Wesley Snipes blah blah tax fraud blah blah...
**CLICK**
MSNBC...
Anna Nicole blah blah whack-job blah blah. Reality tv stars blah blah who cares blah blah...
**CLICK**
Fox...
OMG red carpet blah blah UGLY blah blah dish dish blah blah blah...
Does anybody show actual NEWS any more?

 

by Hatrix
10-18-06
So you left her for good huh?
Yeah. She's an alcoholic, addicted to pills and she gets more and more violent every day. It's not worth it any more.
It's just time to be adult about it and start taking care of myself. To make the hard, responsible decisions. After all, my life is important too.
So what about the kids?
I dunno... Want another beer?

 

by Hatrix
10-18-06
Ever just feel like life sucks?
Nope...
...but I'll bet he does.

 

by Hatrix
10-19-06
Today on Science Fiction Mismatch Smack Down Theater....! We have the Pink Periwinkle Fairy and the Soul Sucking Alien from Beyond the Forbidden Zone!
Wait wait! How did I get here? What's going on? Who are you?
Blarg?
*ding ding* And there's the bell!
Oh crap.
*ding ding* And that's the round! We have a winner! With a new record for the shortest round! Be sure and join us next week!
Rowrrrrrggrrrrr graaaaaaaaaaa!

 

by Hatrix
10-20-06
You can stop screaming now. You're dead.
So that's it?
Yup. And I've gotta go... lots of appointments to keep, lives to end...
But wait a minute! I don't understand! What do I do now?
That's something you'll have to take up with management. I'm just acquisition.
acquisition?

 

by Hatrix
10-20-06
Sigh. Another senseless, brutal killing. Do we have a suspect?
Yup. And we'll work for weeks putting a case together and the perp will get a lawyer, claim some personal problem and walk away.
You're right. It's ridiculous.
Yup. I'm goin to file this report... what are you gonna do?
I'm going to go lighten our case load.

 

by Hatrix
10-20-06
sigh
bitch.
I TOLD you it will wear off at MIDNIGHT!

 

by Hatrix
10-20-06
Ok now what is the next number in this equation?
Time to retire.
How the **** should I know, I'm a ***king squirrel.

 

by Hatrix
10-20-06
If I were god I'd enjoy dishing out some wrath, hurting some bad guys.
I don't think that's what being god is about.
Then what's the point?

 

by Hatrix
10-28-06
Somewhere in the forgotten zone...
Three days! *pant* Nothing for three days! But I can't be that far from a town or something. Wait! There! Is that something in the distance?
Yes! Oh sweet jesus I'm saved! *pant* Oh please don't leave *pant* I'm coming *pant* I can make it... I can make it!
Bet that bus ticket is looking pretty affordable now huh?
Uh... I can wait for the next one.
Nice try. Now get in the van.

 

by Hatrix
10-28-06
HEY! Who do you think you are? I never ASKED to be drawn! F**king jacka**! Do you have any idea how hard it SUCKS to be ME?? And it's ALL YOUR FAULT!
Hey! HEY! What in the hell are you doing?!! HEY!!
I don't see the difference.
Oh. yeah. This is hilarious.

 

by Hatrix
10-30-06
Boo!
Boo!
Now let's get some candy.
Happy Halloween!

 

by Hatrix
10-30-06
Yeah hi. Uh...is this the Dewey, Bleedem & Run Insurance Co.?
Who wants to know?
Well I was hoping to get some malpractice insurance. Really quickly..errr Hey is this place rotating?
We're always moving. It's for legal purposes.
Continued....
I see. Soooo uh about that insurance? I'm in a bit of a hurry. What can you do for me?

 

by Hatrix
10-30-06
Buying discount malpractice insurance
I can offer you a plan for one hundred thousand down and monthly payments of $5000 to be paid directly to my bank account.
WHAT? Why the hell would I pay you THAT?
Because I'll back-date the policy and lie to the lawyers for you.
It's a deal.

 

by Hatrix
10-31-06
Hey Trick or Treat in there! Hello? Better give me some candy or it's gonna get ugly. Kind of like you! HA!
AAAAAAAAA!
Zhazam!
Becareful out there folks.
Crud.
Now, how about a nice candle for your empty skull?

 

by Hatrix
10-31-06
Well today is halloween and we haven't been sold.
Yeah.
I was really hoping to get out of here before this.
Before what?
*Sleighbells ring ... are you listening...
Oh.

 

by Hatrix
11-03-06
Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to know that as your commander and chief I am here to lead you in these desperate times.
I am so glad that so many of you choose to blindly follow me. After all I pray to the lord every day for guidance and the lord always lets me know exactly what he wants me to do.
Isn't that right lord?
As long as it's ok with Rumsfeld.

 

by Hatrix
11-03-06
Today a democrat said something we were told was an insult to our troops (even though we all know it wasn't meant that way because we're honestly not that stupid.)
You can count on us to run stories about it for days until the evil demon-crat who so callously attacked your children giving their lives in a war makes the apology our president insists is necessary.
Of course this has NOTHING to do with the bitch-stomping the republicans are bracing for in the upcoming election. Honestly. There simply isn't anything else more important to put on the air. Really.
Right. Because spending a week attacking someone for flubbing a joke is an excellent use of what remaining political clout the whitehouse has left.

 

by Hatrix
11-03-06
*Beep* reply received
Ugh. I got another reply from this old thread I was posting in.
Yeah? Hee hee hee. They obviously have no idea who they're sparring with.
*Beep* Sent
1. Does your family tree have any branches? 2. I have a retarded monkey who says you spell like his sister. 3. Invoke godwin's law. 4. End.
There.
A form-letter flame? You're just not trying any more.

 

by Hatrix
11-03-06
Incredibly Stupid Questions #37
Hey is this where the gay and lesbian Pagans for Pro-choice and Stem cell research are meeting?

 

by Hatrix
11-03-06
Hey Scotty? Nevermind ensign butterfingers fried the ambassador.
Scans indicate she's a charcoal briquette, captain.
It was self defense! You saw her! She was coming right for me!
The long lost 'red shirt doesn't buy the dirt farm' episode.

 

by Hatrix
11-03-06
So I'm watching the Discovery channel and it turns out I'm some kind of jurassic unicorn.
Oh.. oh wow. *cough* What is that sm...
That was you huh?
Uh. heh. Yeah sorry 'bout that.
You know healthy folk don't smell like that Hal.
Yeah yeah yeah.

 

by Hatrix
11-03-06
Who do I resemble most? Kevin Sorbo or Al Pacino? If you tell me I'll give you some sour balls.
Uh... I dunno.
Oh you're such a sweet child. Sweet as a unicorn's fart that's what I always say!
Uh... Mommy?
Yes dear?
Will you show me your tattoos again? I like the one with the rocket ship hitting an airplane.

 

by Hatrix
11-04-06
Can't help ya. Try the dog.

 

by Hatrix
11-04-06
Hey father you're looking quite haggard these days....
Wha? No! I NEVER KNEW HIM! I had NOTHING to do with it! I swear!
Uh... I meant you look worn out
Oh. Yes. Of course.

 

by Hatrix
11-04-06
In the wake of mounting scandal the republicans have unveiled an entirely new campaign tactic just three days before the election...
Hi there! Vote Republican on Nov 7th! If you need any drugs, political or sexual favors, I'm your man. Well, at least until the operation. But at least I'm not a democrat!

 

by Hatrix
11-04-06
Oh my god I can't believe I made it!*pant pant*
*cough* Man I'm glad to see you! My charts showed nothing out here before the crash!
So. You uh... you been here long?

 

by Hatrix
11-05-06
What's on?
Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Followed by Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law.
You enjoy crap like that?
Hey I married you didn't I?
Why.I.aughta....
Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

 

by Hatrix
11-05-06
After days of denial, evangelical christian hypocrit Ted "pass the meth" Haggard admitted that the recent allegations regarding his sexual exploits are indeed true.
Gosh golly GEE, Ted. Really? We're all totally f*cking SHOCKED. HA!
When asked to comment, self-righteous blimp Jerry Falwell replied "Ted who?"
When did Denis Leary start anchoring the news?

 

by Hatrix
11-05-06
Ok hon I'm heading to Charlie's and that big screen tv! It's so great that you don't mind being a 'Sunday football widow'.
Hey it's no big deal! You have fun!
Ok later!
I've got lots of stuff to keep me busy.
Welcome to the NASCAR countdown to green...
Go Tony!

 

by Hatrix
11-05-06
We are in standard orbit around the sacred planet captain.
Oh most holy Earth!...
...Birthplace of PORN !

 

by Hatrix
11-06-06
Hey Lee, why have you been in your room all day?
I'm on a media strike. I have to avoid all the election crap for the next three days.
Why?
Doctors orders. Exposure to that much bulls*it plays hell with my bloodpressure.
Ahh.

 

by Hatrix
11-06-06
*sniff sniff* Oh MAN! What the hell is that horrible SMELL???? It's not you....
Gah?
It doesn't seem to be you..... damn what could possibly be making such a vile, ungodly odor...
Moo.
Anyone got a gas mask?
Oh.
Vote for me!

 

by Hatrix
11-06-06
9-11! Cut and Run! Politics of failure! Stay the course! 9-11! Cut and Run! Terrorists in your basement! Cut and Run!!!
9-11! Cut and Run! Politics of failure! Stay the course! 9-11! Cut and Run! Terrorists in your basement! Cut and Run!!!
9-11! Cut and Run! Politics of failure! Stay the course! 9-11! Cut and Run! Terrorists in your basement! Cut and Run!!!
Do you think he knows no one believes this shit? Or is he really that stupid?

 

by Hatrix
11-06-06
Got cha.
Prime Minister Harper, during this visit the people want you to let our allies know we'll be setting a time table for leaving Afganistan soon.
Hey George! Great spread you've got here! *hic* Oh yeah and thanks for all the help getting me elected.
Ah sure but you know...keep it quiet. he he he.
Prime Minister did you set a date for our forces to pull out of the middle east?
Yup. Absolutely not a day later than 2016.... possibly.

 

by Hatrix
11-06-06
They announced saddam's death sentence. As if there was any doubt. What a joke.
I'm just glad he's finally going to pay for what he did on 9-11.
What?
You know! He's behind the attacks on 9-11. He should definately fry. Thank god Bush brought him to justice.
Uh... have you ever considered getting your news from somewhere other than Fox?
*GASP*! TRAITOR!

 

by Hatrix
11-06-06
Based on current true events....
Hey man, you're the only Power Co. Employee I can find, so why in the HELL has the power gone out three days in a row???
Uh. Well it's really complicated....
There's been no wind, no rain, no snow, no precipitation at ALL, in fact the weather has been beautiful so what's your excuse this time?
Errrrrrr....
Would you believe.... fog?
I don't believe we keep putting up with this bulls*it.

 

by Hatrix
11-06-06
Damn lady... it's a vagina not a clown car.
Goo
Hey mom? Mom? Mom?
I'm BORED when are we going home?
I have to peeeeeee!
I HEARD THAT!

 

by Hatrix
11-06-06
Republican pundits attempt final media run before election....
Well Ms Republican pundit you've got no plan for Iraq, a huge deficit, failing schools, a totally inactive government...
Yeah but Bill Clinton had a blow job in the white house! Remember that??
Someone call Karl Rove...
Gross corruption, covering for sexual predators, extreme hipocracy, bribery, misuse of taxpayer money...
but let's not forget Bill "blow job" Clinton!
...she needs some new material.
..criminal investigations on the hill, torture laws, errosion of civil rights, pork barrel bridges to nowhere,
Yeah but... Clinton did it in the white house... ten years ago... remember? Uh. If you're not with us you're a terrorist.

 

by Hatrix
11-06-06
*Sigh*. I can't believe I just did that. I hope no one finds out.
Oh man. I should probably just go home.
So who did you vote for?
Shut up.

Showing page 2.

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