All comics by Mister_Owens

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by Mister_Owens
8-10-04
It's been so strange lately. If I go out, the only women that really hit on me are, well, old.
That is weird.
What, do I have 'gigolo' written across my forehead?
Well, you're eye candy.
What?! Then why don't I get laid more?
Well, you do come off as a bit... abrasive.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-12-04
First Day Back at School
Well I've gone over the rules, what do I do now?
Can we do coloring sheets?
Kindergarten ended a long time ago. You're in 7th grade now.
Well, then how about heads-up 7-up?
*sigh* Whatever. Just be sure and do it quietly.
So by quietly, you mean to not stop talking, right? Right?!

 

by Mister_Owens
8-13-04
Upon further reflection, I realized something....
Lesley...married
Lisa... married

 

by Mister_Owens
8-13-04
Marion, married
katie, has a kid
Terri, married with kid

 

by Mister_Owens
8-13-04
Becca, i don't know
Ana, I don't know
Is it my fault?

 

by Mister_Owens
8-15-04
This strip has no real point.
I read a book and wanted to include a line from it.
"I put my cock back in my id"

 

by Mister_Owens
8-16-04
Planning time starts at 11:12
Ok what do I do know.
I have recess duty from 12:35-12:50
bored bored bored
I finally have a class in my room at 1:45.
Thank God my break is over! I needed something to do.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-16-04
Upon being asked to rate student performance.
Mr. Owens, can I see what you wrote about me?
Uh, no.
Please?
Well, ok.
I, I don't get it.
I described you in terms which were positively glowing, which is exactly how I'd like to see you in Hell.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-16-04
It's weird being in an occupation that is predominated by women.
Mr. Owens, we need you to move this desk to the other side of the school.
But, but, but....
Whatever happened to that do it yourself attitude of feminism?
Are you questioning my judgment?
I know you have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority.
Whoa, wait a minute. I resent that. I've never had trouble with a woman in ANY position.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-16-04
At the daquiri shoppe...
I'll have a beer.
Coming right up.
At the daquiri shoppe, a few hours later
I'll have a beer.
Coming right up.
Back at the daquiri shoppe, the next day.
All right, let's review. Last night, I got knee-walking drunk and now I am back in this bar a mere seven and a half hours later, hung over... well, it's official. I have a problem. I'll have a beer.
Coming right up.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-16-04
Mister Owens the character meets Mister Owens the author.
Hi, you must be ... the architect!
I wrote that line for you. It was expected, and understandably lame.
Well, then why do you continue to place me in these absurd situations?
You see, young padawan, you a merely an exaggeration of the absurdities that I am subjected to. So face it, as long as things suck for me, you're screwed.
Son of a bitch.
Do you ever get down on your knees and thank God you know me and have access to my dementia? Without it, you wouldn't even exist.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-18-04
Mr. Owens, do you ever wear your hair parted to both sides? You should tomorrow.
We'll see.
No, you really should.
Alright, I just might.
The next day.
Mr. Owens, is that you? You look really different!
I am so never doing this again. I have an image to maintain.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-20-04
Being bipolar can suck...
and yet at times it rules!
Take last week for example...
So's how treating you Mr. Owens?
Well. It sucks. I wish things could just revert back to about a year ago. Then we'd be cool.
And now this week.
So, has anything changed?
No, but I feel damn good. Who wants to go bowling?!

 

by Mister_Owens
8-25-04
blah blah blah blah blah
Hey, I need everyone to take their seat and close their mouths!
Man Mr. Owens, why you be trippin all the time?
Yea, just chill out.
Okay - think of what little patience I have as, oh I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal
Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well he dropped by and he brought a copy of "Sixteen Candles" and a four-pack of Bartels & James and wohohoo, it was gone forever - just like my patience.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-25-04
*cough cough*
puff puff
*cough cough*
I'm sorry, is the smoke bothering you?
Actually, yes.
Then don't fucking inhale, jackass.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-28-04
Mr. Owens, you stink as a teacher.
meh.
Mr. Owens, you can't play basketball
meh
Mr. Owens, the Saints suck.
Hold your tongue, you evil wench! Don't you ever take that tone in my classroom, you understand? I will fucking kill you.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-30-04
While reading "Tom Sawyer" to the class.
"So Tom, Huck, and Joe ran into the water, removing their clothes until they were naked..."
Wait wait wait, there were three boys getting naked? That's nasty!
It's completely innocent. You need to realize that it was a different time back then. Remember, these are just a bunch of 11-12 year old boys.
So now it's gay child pornography? That's sick Mr. Owens.
As another student picks his head up.
NO! There was no gay sex going on between them!
Wait, what? They're gay? That's just wrong.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-30-04
Did you just hit her?
Yes.
Tehn you've got to apologize.
Why?
Because it's the mature and adult thing to do.
And what does that have to do with me?

 

by Mister_Owens
8-30-04
The obligatory sex-related 69th comic
So when do you consider sex has taken place?
I'd say when the nipple makes its first appearance.
Do you ever have problems with people, uh, comparing, in public restrooms?
I don't even like to use urinals, I've always been a stall man.
Why do they make condom wrappers so hard to open?
Probably to give her time to change her mind.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-30-04
Mr. Owens?
*snore*
Mr. Owens, wake up!
huh? wha-?!
What were you doing?
I was having that dream we all have, you know? The one where you're making love to a beautiful woman and all of a sudden her legs turn into scissors?

 

by Mister_Owens
8-30-04
Hey Mr. Owens!
Hey, w'sup.
So how's life treating you?
Just when I think God couldn't screw me any further, he gets out the old Black & Decker and twists a little harder!
Interesting; you're being persecuted by a God you don't believe in.
That's why he's after me.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-30-04
Did you just see that?
Yea.
Doesn't what she did piss you off?
Yeah, it just doesn't surprise me because I happen to feel that most people are cruel, small-minded and shallow.
Oh, come on, Mr. Owens, if I believed that then I'd have to believe that the entire world just sucks.
Thank you! That's what I've been trying to tell you every single morning for the past two years! Thank you.

 

by Mister_Owens
8-31-04
So Mr. Owens, did you have a good time at the "faculty meeting"?
I, I think so.
I saw that chick you were talking with.
Huh? I was? Oh yea.
So why didn't you make that connection?
Her lips were saying "no," but her eyes were saying, "read my lips."

 

by Mister_Owens
8-31-04
So how's work?
Tiring. Very tiring.
How are the kids treating you?
I'm gonna snap soon.
Tell you what, what do you say I buy us dinner and some drinks?
Sounds good, except for the dinner part.

 

by Mister_Owens
9-01-04
At the local sports bar.
Hey, how are you doing?
Alright.
My name's Mr. Owens.
Nice to meet you. You wanna sit here?
Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.
No. Ok, maybe a little...

 

by Mister_Owens
9-01-04
Work sucks.
Work sucks.
Work sucks.
Work sucks.
Work sucks.
Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.

 

by Mister_Owens
9-02-04
sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex
titties titties titties titties tittiestitties
Dude, you seriously need to get laid.
No fucking shit.

 

by Mister_Owens
9-06-04
You know Chris, you're real, uh, ...
egomaniacal?
yea. You think everything revolves around you.
Well, if it doesn't, then it doesn't matter to me.
Yea, well you also think every woman should want you.
They should. And if they don't, then there's something inherently wrong with them, and, thus, I want nothing to do with them.

 

by Mister_Owens
1-04-05
You seriously need to get laid.
I resent that. I makes it seem like I'm some weak bastard who allows a lack of physical contact to directly affect his everyday life.
Damn. You're right.

 

by Mister_Owens
1-04-05
Reason #1
Because you're not me.
Reason #2
Because you're you.
Reason #3
Because otherwise the gummi bear king threatened to eat my pancreas.

 

by Mister_Owens
1-04-05
We now take you inside Mister_Owens's, um, mind.
I just had the greatest idea!
What's that?
Let's go spend the weekend in a forest with no supplies except a large amount of alcohol.
And do what exactly?
I dunno. Commune with nature and shit?
Shit, it's better than most options.

 

by Mister_Owens
1-04-05
So, if I rent out 4 cars at $35 each, but my business expenses are $160 a day, what is my profit for the day?
-$20
Excellent. And can you tell me what that answer means?
That we can eat tonight and that mommy lost her job.
This has been a presentation of real answers to real questions. Take a bow.
I'd like to thank the academy.

 

by Mister_Owens
1-04-05
I can either take Taxi Co. A, which charges a $5 flat rate plus .50 per mile, or Taxi Co. B, which charges a $3 flat rate and $1 per mile.
Ok.
If I'm traveling 20 miles, which taxi company should I use?
You should take your own car and just pay for the gas.
Once again, we have Jr. High logic! Here's your award!
This would have never been possible without the large power lines that hang over my front yard; for that, I'm eternally grateful.

 

by Mister_Owens
1-11-05
I'm not trying to be funny
You know, life sucks?
How so?
Well, for starters, you're expected to lower your expectations for students so that they can "pass".
And?
Like there's not enough shit on our plate as it is... not we have to make kids feel good for achieving near-mediocrity?
That's education for you.

 

by Mister_Owens
1-24-05
You know what Chris, you're a cool person. I like you.
As well you should.
blah blah blah
Go away now.
I hate you
And.... cut. Wrap the scene!

 

by Mister_Owens
5-04-05
YES YES YES!!!! Only 3 weeks left of this wretched year!
Mr. Owens, you know you're going to miss us.
Miss you? Miss you how?
I mean you'll be sorry when we're gone. You know, you're gonna miss us and be sad.
The only way I'll miss you is with a shotgun, and that's what will make me sad.
you're such a kidder.

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