All comics by Moturd

Profile

 

by Moturd
2-03-17
Meanwhile...
So I was at this wild party a few years ago and this one really hot chick couldn't get enough of the jello shots...
uh huh
In a bar...
and jello wasn't the only thing going down that throat if you know what I mean...
uh huh
far, far away
Well I just reached out and grabbed her by the pussy, and she pulled me down on top of her right there. Bango!
yeah... uh huh

 

by Moturd
2-04-17
Proprietor, I would like to purchase one of your finest personal massage aids to replace one that was recently pushed beyond its limits
I am veddy veddy soddy ma'am but all Chinese-made battery powered toys have been banned by Donald Trump
But I NEED IT for HEALTH reasons! How could a portable vibrating wand with lube applicator be considered a toy?
Well I am not telling you how to use the items you buy here but this is a sex toy shop after all
And they're all made in China?
Even in India, everything is made in China

 

by Moturd
2-04-17
Leaving the sex toy shop
Frank! Get in the car. We're going to D.C.
Sounds like this fight is personal now.
Shit just got real.
Vivek uses this pun on every customer. Few pick up on it. That makes Vivek sad.
Come again! Aww...

 

by Moturd
2-04-17
While the crowd chants "Dump Donald Trump!...
It's great how many groups are here to support our message
Able Bodied Children for Chinese Toys are here and not one of them has been blown up today
...We'd rather have Forest Gump!..."
Bao bu bur bern... Chkn sndwch?
Goobacks from the year 3045 are here too. They just want to make a living so they can feed their families.
And who are you with dear?
Muslim Extremists for Islamic States of America, we are fleeing persecution in our home caliphate for being too moderate.

 

by Moturd
2-04-17
I love that I can hear the sound of protests from the oval office. They just happen to be majorly wrong but they have every right to be heard.
I feel much safer with George Soros's people setting the fires and overturning the cars.
I agree. They are very professional. Not like those untrained thugs we used in Benghazi.
Chkn sndwch?

 

by Moturd
2-04-17
A desperate Claire turns to the black market...
Listen Honey, I need to acquire a particular item that may be slightly illegal to import right now
Yeah lady, you and every other 40 something female in the country.
It sounds like you know what I need
How about this one? Add 4 'C' batteries and you're all set.
Uh, Sweetie, you got one that takes about 8 'D' cells?
You want this one, a Penetrator-3000, also known as the "Jonah Falcon"

 

by Moturd
2-04-17
So let's make this official. You sign my contract and we make a trade. I get your soul. You get something from me.
Like what?
Well what do you want? I helped God create the universe. That should clue you to how limitless my powers are. The sky's the limit.
No limits?
Just one. No wishing for more wishes or any of that happy horseshit.
Ok, I'll sign

 

by Moturd
2-04-17
William signs the contract...
Sweet! You won't regret this. Okay, you might. Anyway, name your task. I'll perform it and then take possession of your soul, got it?
Yeah I got it. Now get lost.
So go ahead. Name your task. I can't trick you. I swear. I'm contractually obligated to complete it to the best of my abilities.
That was it, literally. Get lost. Now!
Buh Bye
That little shit!

 

by Moturd
2-05-17
A business card lies atop a pile of clothing where Lucifer disappeared...
"If something should happen to me, put on the suit and the demons will know what to do"
Master, we have affairs to discuss
You talking to me?
And just like that, Billy begins his new career...
Yes Master, you invoked the Satan Clause when you put on the suit.
Gee Willikers! I'm their new king!

 

by Moturd
2-05-17
That night at the motel while Frank is out searching for authentic soul food...
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Oh my God, Penetrator-3000, I need you so badly.
Claire entertains herself... Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
uhnnnnggggggah ohhhmmmmmyyy ohhhgoooooddd!
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

by Moturd
2-05-17
After being blown up by a Chinese made battery powered sex toy, Claire awakens in the afterlife...
Hi Claire. I'm your guardian angel. Welcome to Heaven
Why am I not in a thousand little pieces after being blown up?
It's a courtesy thing. You appear in the form of your own self-image.
Uh, Sir, you can skip to the chase with this one. She already signed the contract years ago. She was a lawyer.

 

by Moturd
2-05-17
[Blink]
I've just been informed that we can dispense with the usual formalities
So this is where I'll spend eternity?
Not quite. You'll be in a small room enduring sexual domination, forced intercourse, fellatio, and sodomy.
Oh! But I thought...
  ?  
Uh... I mean... That sounds horrible!

 

by Moturd
2-08-17
Frank, belly full of soul food, drunk and high on meth, returns to a pitch black motel room...
and babbles to a strangely quiet Claire throughout a night punctuated by manic lovemaking...
Claire, are you asleep my love? I've had several ideas about how to turn the tide of public opinion against Trump and I want to bounce them off of you
Until he wakes the next morning confronted by a puddle of gore and spunk...
Oh dear Lord, did I do this in a meth fueled daze? I need time to think.

 

by Moturd
2-11-17
He frantically makes a call...
Doug, I need you here fast. Don't stop at Starbucks to anti-boycott them first. Come straight here.
Yes Frank, I'll be right there.
We have a situation here. I smoked a little meth last night and woke up to this. I think I may have killed my darling Claire.
Well Sir, the good news is that I see pieces of an exploded battery powered sex toy everywhere in here, so you aren't responsible.
Well of course not! You didn't think I was accepting responsibility, did you?
Not even when you thought you did it.

 

by Moturd
2-12-17
I need this cleaned up right away. Chop chop
Yes sir, I'll buy a gallon of bleach and make this go away.
Make sure you buy bleach that was not made in the USA
Yes sir
You understand how that fits into the big picture, right?
Yes sir. If people have jobs then they have hope. And if they have hope then they won't accept what you have to offer.

 

by Moturd
2-12-17
Claire's tormentor shows up
Before I begin, I study all my thralls. I've read your file but it doesn't explain the origin of your self-loathing
I'm sure you mean the most shameful episode of my life
It was the 1960's and I had just made a new friend whom I invited over...
Ooh! Claire, I hear the ice cream truck!
Yay! Look there's 80¢ on the table. Lets go buy some!
But my parents suspected the worst of her.
Honey, where did all that change on the table go?
It had to be that colored girl. My baby Claire would never steal.

 

by Moturd
2-12-17
And so they accused her and forbade us to be friends
I know you're the thief and I don't want my girl hanging around with a thief!
I didn't do anything!
But mommy...
Hush up Claire. You are not to see this girl ever again. You understand?
At school I apologized ...
I'm going to become a lawyer when I grow up so I can protect minorities from false accusations.
Yeah, whatever. Just give me reparations.

 

by Moturd
2-12-17
And so I gave her what she wanted. She lined boys up and they paid to put their hand inside my panties...
For $5 you can put two in the pink, one in the stink.
I never took a cut because I wanted her to know I wasn't doing it for the money.
I am so sorry. My parents are monsters. Please forgive me.
Maybe, after I pay off my new bike
And now, Claire, I understand both your shame and your promiscuity. Your atonement shall be glorious. thft thft thft thft
It must have been one hell of a bike. I was still paying for it when I moved away for law school.

 

by Moturd
2-17-17
I'm here with Juan Guzman, who has been rounded up by Immigration Services as a direct result of President Trump's executive order forcing agencies to quote 'do their job'
Sources say that Mr. Guzman's only crime was to shoot a woman during a robbery commited merely to feed his family. What a travesty of justice!
Mr. Guzman, what is the name of the family member you were trying to feed?
Heroína Addicion

 

by Moturd
2-17-17
Donald Trump's Executive Order on immigration is unprecedented.
False. Barack Obama stopped immigration from Iraq for six months. Jimmy Carter stopped it from Iran during the 444 day hostage crisis. Trump's order returns refugee admitance to pre-2016 levels.
blah blah blah Japanese internment camps during World War 2 blah blah
First, not relevant here. Second, that was done by FDR, a democrat. Third, 38% of those interned were NON-American citizens. Most of the rest were there to keep families together.
But the constitutionality of Executive Order 9066 was challenged and the case made it all the way to the Supreme Court.
Which refused to hear the case for the very pragmatic reason that the nation might need to do a similar thing again someday, and they did not want to tie a future president's hands.

 

by Moturd
2-19-17
Pres. Trump sees news on the Internet and mentions it during unrehearsed speech
Look at what's happening in Germany and Sweden...
At liberal news outlets...
In our top story tonight, Donald Trump says that Sweden is having trouble with immigrants.
Nothing could be further from the truth. Immigrants to Sweden are a model of proper behavior and tolerance toward their hosts.
Aren't the Sweden Democrats party very opposed to mass immigration and steadily gaining seats in their parliment?

 

by Moturd
2-19-17
Somewhere in ancient Greece...
Hey Xena, I have a joke for you. Heh. Knock knock!
[Sigh] Okay Joxxer, who's there?
a comedian is born...
Xena
Xena who?
and then dies a little.
Xena hot chick named Gabby anywhere? Heh. Giggity.
Yeah... in my bed... every night?

 

by Moturd
2-21-17
President Trump publicly denounces anti-semitism
The anti-Semitic threats targeting our Jewish community are horrible and are painful and a very sad reminder of the work that still must be done to root out hate and prejudice and evil
Unfair and unbalanced journalists strategize...
How do we make this look bad? Everyone knows he's a friend of Israel and that his daughter and son-in-law are both Jewish.
It's all in the presentation, my naive young friend.
and deliver...
Under intense pressure by Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump finally made a minor criticism of his horde of white supremacist followers.

 

by Moturd
2-22-17
Professor X?
Phoenix
How about you sir? Who do you think is the most powerful of the X-men?
Well I don't know, I guess maybe Bruce Jenner?

 

by Moturd
2-24-17
There are so many new souls and they just keep coming. Don't we get any days off?
Good friday
I should have guessed that.
...and Jay-Z's birthday.
I should have guessed that too. He must have had it written into our contract with him.
Nah, we just think it's fun to play loud shitty music over the intercom while we take the day off. It drives the thralls crazy.

 

by Moturd
2-25-17
Dateline: 2017 - White House
Here I am with my new protege, I win "Most Outrageous Story Entirely From Anonymous Sources" and the butt of my derision doesn't even show
Is this a roast? I was told there will be comedians and many jokes about the U.S. president, Mr. Donald Trump
Correspondents Association
Not quite Mpembo, these dinners were meant to be about scholarship and awards and ethics and excellence
In my country we roast a politician by hanging a gasoline soaked tire around his neck and light it on fire
Dinner...
Here we thwart their agenda using innuendo until the public loses faith in the system and we all slide further toward the abyss
So this IS a roast!

 

by Moturd
2-28-17
#Couchgate
Look Kellyanne, you know how I feel about the press. You do. But they maybe might just have something this time.
Come on, Don. You mean you've never relaxed a little and kicked your feet up on a coffee table?
It's not so much the fact that you put your feet on the furniture. But then you wiped your muddy boots off on it...
and yelled, 'fuck yo couch! I'm Rick James, bitch! Buy a new couch you rich muthafucka!'
Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

 

by Moturd
3-01-17
In news today, DNA testing shows that the chicken served at Subway restaurants is only half chicken
JUNIOR!
Have you been diddlin' them chickins agin?
buk buk buk buk buh-KAWK!

 

by Moturd
3-03-17
When asked about the anti-Semitic attacks
Sometimes it's the reverse...
Ha! As if liberals would ever deceive the public
A liberal muslim journalist was charged with making 8 bomb threats against Jewish centers at a time when many were blaming Trump supporters
He tried to frame his ex-girlfriend who he accuses of being anti-semitic and racist, despite the fact that she is Jewish and dated him, a black man
Run for your lives!
Now that liberals are eating crow, canary can't be far behind!

 

by Moturd
3-04-17
HOUSTON, TX --
Members of the Salvadoran gang MS-13, in the US illegally, were charged with the satanic killing of a teenage girl
Three teenage girls were imprisoned, fed drugs and alcohol, and raped repeatedly
One girl was shot in the head for speaking out against the gang's worship of Satan
Bail was set at $150,000 but an ICE detainer means they cannot be released even if they make bond
Liberals everywhere protest
We demand that President Trump rescind the detainer on these poor immigrants who just want to live the dream
White America, your ancestors were once Satan worshipping murderers too

 

by Moturd
3-05-17
Nurse Ratched searches for Chief after his escape...
Watcha doin?
I'm looking for a nut. I suppose you're going to tell me you're doing the same?
Nope, I'm just enjoying that sweet bedonk

 

by Moturd
3-05-17
I'm launching an investigation into you wiretapping my Trump Tower just before the election!
America, I never bugged Trump Tower. He's crazy.
You know I can see that a FISA order was requested and those almost always get approved...
I never said it wasn't done. I said I didn't give the order.

 

by Moturd
3-05-17
I've been testing an i.Con Smart Condom. It's like a Fitbit for your wang.
It measures speed, thrust, duration, frequency, alerts you to STDs, and even creates graphs you can view on your phone or share with other people
That sounds interesting, would you mind letting me see your graph?
It's just a flat line

 

by Moturd
3-05-17
I try to impress women I meet with clever wordplay...
I have a question, if you don't mind
Naught a tall, anime one two as queue won to
It announces my alpha male status among intellectuals.
You don't have a girlfriend, do you?
Know, howdy jew no?
Oddly, it doesn't work as well through text and email.
Lucky guess, and whats your question for me?
Whirl ewe gout rythym meat too knight?

 

by Moturd
3-06-17
Well they found our secret facebook page with all the nudie pics of female marines and shut it down.
It's not fair. I considered that part of the enlistment bonus
They're acting like they didn't know about it but they had to have known
I know, right? My recruiter told me I'd be seeing lots of fox holes
Well we better get back to digging this defensive fighting position
Yeah, reckon so

 

by Moturd
3-10-17
Hannibal crosses the Alps...
So Scipio thinks he's gonna have a pubic war without me, huh?
Maybe it's on account of your tiny ears but it's actually Punic war.
Apparently he hasn't heard the rumors about African men.
Take a look down here and weep
You know what they say, 'Once you go Carthaginian, you never date Italian men again'

 

by Moturd
3-10-17
The boys have a dream...
What's wrong with calling the city Remus?
We'd be the laughing stock of Italy. I can see it now... shall we just drop our trousers and shake our rears at our enemies?
'Hey you big Etruscan you, come over here and Reamus!'
I suppose you want us to be called Romulans

 

by Moturd
3-10-17
Walking the streets of Rome
Out of my way, Greek homo!
You know nothing about me except that I am a Greek. What would make you think I'm a homo?
Ever heard of roman sex? No, you haven't. But everyone knows that greek sex is ANAL, ergo...
That doesn't make sense. If an entire race of people were homosexual there would be no children. They'd just die out.
homo
He's too stupid to listen to reason! That, or he spotted my nipple rings.

 

by Moturd
3-10-17
The latest immigrant to Rome, a sarcastic Jew
You'll live longer if you get out of my path, Judean!
Well excuse me, Oh great citizen of Rome! Where are you rushing off to, if I may ask?
The vomitoreum, not that it's any of your business
I've heard about that. Romans make themselves throw up so they can continue feasting. Is that it? Is your widdle tummy too full to eat and drink any more?
(Proof that sarcasm confers no evolutionary advantage)
Actually I AM a bit hungry, and my blade is ALWAYS thirsty

 

by Moturd
3-10-17
Appointed Dictator "for Life" by the Senate in Feb 44 BC...
... then stabbed to death by the Senate in March 44 BC.
You can't say those Romans didn't have a sense of humor

 

To this day, scholars debate how the Romans could administrate eighty million citizens when they couldn't represent numbers higher than 3999 ________________________________
...MMMCMXCVIII, MMMCMXCIX, then what?
We need to conquer some people that are good at math
by Moturd, 3-10-17

 

by Moturd
3-13-17
Donald campaigns for his battery powered toy ban...
Mr. President we were told you are going to announce new information about the Chinese Battery Powered Toy crisis
We have followed the trail of these horrible deaths back to their true source, Samsung Corporation
The South Korean electronics giant?
Our investigation shows that these Chinese toys are exploding because they are being made from old, recycled Galaxy Note 7 parts
The corporation run by Jay Y. Lee?
Those batteries were supposedly destroyed and written off but instead were sold on the black market to small Chinese firms by someone going by the name Y. Lee Coyote

 

by Moturd
3-14-17
Those batteries may not blow up right away. It's a random thing. So our people have been referring to them as "sleeper" cells.
...sleeper cells
And the only documentation Samsung sent with the batteries was in Korean scribbles not Chinese, so the toymakers were confused about what it all meant.
...because they misinterpreted the Korean
Samsung inflated their stock price by writing the Galaxy Note 7 batteries off as a loss then secretly sold them across the border to China.
...and proclaimed false profits

 

by Moturd
3-16-17
Poop Dogg's "Lavender" Vid
This shizzle is gotsta work, or ima hafta marry a Kardashian

 

by Moturd
3-19-17

 

by Moturd
3-19-17

 

by Moturd
3-19-17

 

by Moturd
3-19-17

 

by Moturd
3-19-17

 

by Moturd
3-19-17

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »