All comics by Splunge

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by Splunge
8-09-05
Abdullah! Allah is great and good! I have wonderful news!
What is your news, my brother?
My worthless wife has given me yet another son! She gave birth yesterday!
Oh... yes. This is great fucking news.
Your many daughters can babysit. While they are indeed worthless, they will be of some use.
Allah, hear my prayer, strike this fucker down now...

 

by Splunge
8-09-05
You are the second son of my true brother under Allah. Praise His Name.
Goo.
I'll have to use C-4 in your tiny little vest. Perhaps some TNT in the stroller.

 

by Splunge
8-09-05
Greetings father.
Eldest daughter! Where is your burka! Why are you dressed in such an indecent manner?
This is America, father. This is how women dress here.
I see... Prepare to be beaten nigh unto death my daughter.
Try it old man. I have a taser. And my boyfriend is a biker.
Hmmm. I see... Hold on a minute, I have a vest that would go great with that outfit.

 

by Splunge
8-09-05
I bear witness that there is no god but Allah. I bear witness that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah.
Allah why have you forsaken me? My enemy has sons. I have unruly daughters. I have come to the Country of the Great Satan to do Your Will.
Have I not blown up enough of our people for you? Really, do you think well sewn vests grow upon trees? Everyone at the mosque thinks I'm a fag, with the sewing of the vests.

 

by Splunge
8-09-05
Dude. Did I interruURRRPpt something?
No, I was just praying to my God.
'kay, cool. I wisSSHHUURP... I wish EURRRRAP I wish to UUURRRP! I'm gonna marry your daughter.
I see. Is that a large caliber handgun in your belt?
Shit, yeah! Isssurp, a .44 magnum!
Welcome to the family, my son. May I borrow your firearm?

 

by Splunge
8-11-05
In local news, Splunge cancelled his World of Warcraft account today.
He explained," Well it was getting really boring. I've been playing since beta and I just couldn't take the grind anymore. But I am kind of sad about it."
Other players of the game were quite sympathetic, saying,"Can I have your stuff? Fucking L4M3r. And, OMFG!!!111!!!2 LOLZOR WTF NOOB."

 

by Splunge
8-11-05
...and we call ourselves the Aristocrats!
Fuck, daddy! You forgot the part where I suck the dog's cock. Again!
Damn!

 

by Splunge
8-12-05
God? Hello, God?
Prayer happening here Big Guy! HELLO, GOD!!!!
Okay, Father Dan. Grease up the altar boy, the coast is clear, and I'm coming in!

 

by Splunge
8-12-05
I want a fire engine and a bicycle and a drum set...
Hey, shithead. First off, I'm a reindeer, not fucking Santa.
Second thing. I'm on fucking vacation. So piss off, okay?

 

by Splunge
8-12-05
You can stand out here all day and all night for all I care.
But Shane isn't coming back. Okay?

 

by Splunge
8-12-05
So. You're my blind date?
Yep.
And you don't mind that I'm a squirrel?
Nope.
I've fucked worse.

 

by Splunge
8-12-05
This is the worst scavenger hunt I've ever been on.
But at least I found a drowned asian kid.

 

by Splunge
8-12-05
Looks like the end of the world. But what the hell, at least I'm safe here on the park bench.
Ahem...

 

by Splunge
8-12-05
What do you mean, you don't see any fur coats? It's the middle of summer, idiot!

 

by Splunge
8-14-05
You are getting sleepy, very sleepy...
Will you forget about hypnotizing the goat and come to bed already?

 

by Splunge
8-14-05
Hi. Come here often?
Please leave me alone. I'm not into females.
Well, according to Jurassic Park, I can change.
Grow a big green dick and call me.
I'll take that as a maybe.

 

by Splunge
8-14-05
I thought you were gonna pound those nails into your own head?
I was.
But that crack whore was so inviting.
Can't argue there... Can I fuck her now?
Better hurry, before she stops convulsing.

 

by Splunge
8-14-05
So I get ten dollars, right?
Yep.
And I don't have to get nekkid?
Nope.
I should've worn the pants without the big hole in the back today.
Too late.

 

by Splunge
8-14-05
What the fuck?
All I did was take a dump.
Flush twice, dude.
I think you're over reacting.

 

by Splunge
8-28-05
Eeep.
Why is there a monkey in a deep diving rig in my bedroom? Wait, there is a note taped to the suit...
"This monkey has been trained to wait at the place where the water will be the highest when hurricane Katrina hits"
Oook!
Oh, fuck.

 

by Splunge
8-28-05
What does it mean to work blue?
Well, um, it means that you use bad words...
Like "kill" or "hurt"?
Um, no... other words... Words that describe sexual actions or feces. Words like "fuck" or "shit".
So the fucking background is blue because the comic we're in is shit?
What the fuck do I know about this shit?

 

by Splunge
8-28-05
Wow, it sounds like the storm is gonna be real bad...
...30 foot sea level rise when the hurricane hits...
On the other hand, my house is pretty solid...
...200 mile per hour wind gusts...
This is Search One. Control we found the monkey! Repeat, monkey is safe!
Eeep. Oook!

 

by Splunge
8-31-05
The whole city is wiped out.
I have everything I own in this soggy paper bag.
But we did build our homes behind dirt walls 10 feet below sea level. Right next to the Gulf of Mexico.
I guess we expected God to protect us... So much for that, eh?
We'll rebuild.
Praise, God!

 

by Splunge
8-31-05
More to the left. Now harder! Oh, harder! NOT THAT HARD! You're licking my clit not sanding a chair leg!
Oh, this is too much!
Wait don't stop...
I am so tired of your shit! This is it! No more... I'm leaving you!
So sorry. It is all over between us.
Go wash your hand, pervert.

 

Ta-DA!
More! MORE!
by Splunge, 8-31-05

 

by Splunge
9-02-05
Well this is the end of the world my little friend.
Yes. It is sad. You finally gave us the power of speech and the ability to think and then you destroyed the Earth.
Well, at least the people on the other worlds that we seeded will live.
Yes. Humanity will live on as ape and man on over 4000 other worlds...
This whole universe thing isn't working. Guess I'll just wipe it out and try again... Or maybe not...

 

by Splunge
9-09-05
I heard that the USA has collected more than 600 million dollars for us!
That's great!
But nobody here has gotten a dime yet.
That's not so great.
So that makes you dinner.
Exit, stage right!

 

by Splunge
9-11-05
We have killed everything that moves, sarge!
Well done! You are indeed a killing machine! You are truly a reborn Marine son!
What now, sarge?
Police this area. Pick up all of the debris in a 1000 meter circle.
Are you kidding me, sarge?
What are you maggot? Some kind of Commie?

 

by Splunge
9-11-05
Okay, Marine, kick open that door.
Understood , sir!
Then fire full auto into the building. Then yell, "everybody down".
Fire first and then yell "everybody down"? Wouldn't that mean...
Are you thinking for yourself again, private?
No SIR! My mistake SIR!

 

by Splunge
11-22-05
We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you.
Listen, I want to thank leaders of the — in the faith — faith-based and community-based community for being here.
Thank Allah for George W. Bush!

 

by Splunge
11-22-05
And the second way to defeat the terrorists is to spread freedom. You see, the best way to defeat a society that is — doesn't have hope,
a society where people become so angry they're willing to become suiciders, is to spread freedom, is to spread democracy.
Allah, why do we have to blow ourselves up when this guy is single-handedly destroying the Great Satan?

 

by Splunge
5-21-07
Honey, I really like this house. the kitchen is magnificent.
Yeah, it 's great... but...
I know, I know. We'll have to get rid of the one problem.
Thank God! I thought you wanted to keep it!
The Next Day...
Hi. I'm Rachael Ray! I can cook you a de-lish meal in...
OUT OUT FOUL DEMON! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

 

by Splunge
1-22-08
Hi, I'm Mitt Romney. I'm running for president. I'm a Mormon. Will you vote for me?
I'm a Scientologist.
Forget it, you people are fucking nutjobs.

 

by Splunge
1-22-08
Mitt Romney and a Scientologist discuss religion...
So an angel named Moroni gave Smith a bunch of golden plates. And Jesus spent time with American Indians.
Cool.
How about you?
Aliens killed a bunch of people with a nuclear bomb in a volcano. And their ghosts inhabit us and make us depressed.
No, seriously. You people are totally fucked in the head.
Right back at ya, boss.

 

by Splunge
1-23-08
Hi I'm Mitt Romney. I'd like you to vote for me in the presidential election.
What be your religious beliefs?
Start the limo. And pour me a scotch.

 

by Splunge
1-23-08
So the first thing you have to do is to clean up this stockroom.
I have a Master's degree from MIT.
That's great. Excellent. Superb. I expect you to do a bang up job, right?
You do realize that Microsoft just laid off 300,000 people, right?
Where's the broom?

 

by Splunge
3-15-10
Honey
Sweetie.
I get it, you're pissed off at me. Can I drop the force field now?

 

by Splunge
3-15-10
He said that I didn't make coffee when I finished the pot.
I told him to stick the pot up his ass.
I didn't think... Am I going to jail now?

 

by Splunge
3-15-10
Those mushrooms.
Shitaki?
Yeah. Right. That's what they were.

 

by Splunge
3-15-10
So you're from the funeral home. Right?
Dozen eggs. Butter. Dead body.
Yes. Yes I am.

 

by Splunge
3-15-10
I love your clothes.
I really do.
But your penis is so damn small...

 

by Splunge
3-15-10
Can I help you?
I need a book about smoking pork products...
Oh... This is awkward...

 

by Splunge
3-15-10
Fuck. I thought I was scary.
We accept brown bats. Just not black bats.
Oh, cool, you're right. Those black bats suck.

 

by Splunge
3-15-10
I am a clown. And I'm sorry.
Let's face it. I'm just fucked up to be a clown.
Mimes laugh at me. But silently. Silently.

 

by Splunge
3-15-10
I love my country.
More than you do.
Enough to fuck it up before you can use it, like my ex. And fuck her too.

Showing page 2.

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