All comics by Splunge

Profile

 

by Splunge
7-08-05
You were right. I stopped cutting myself. That was stupid and self destructive.
You know, hammering nails into your head is stupid and self destructive too.
How about this?

 

by Splunge
7-08-05
It's interesting to meet someone else here in the graveyard at night.
I love to come here late like this. It inspires me to write spooky poetry! What do you come here for?
A quick hump and then a snack.
Could you move over? You're standing on my girlfriend... ... ... ... ... ... ... And my dinner.

 

by Splunge
7-08-05
Why the long face, sweetie?
I signed up for the AIDS Walk. I met a guy there. We had sex. I caught AIDS!
That's too bad.
I guess I should take you off of the list for the Cancer Walk then?

 

by Splunge
7-08-05
What does a priest really think?
God.
Yeah, right.
What a racket.

 

by Splunge
7-08-05
I am the Human Torch! I can burst into flame at will!
My piss is a stream of flame!
Hey, asshole! I'm in here!
Oh, fuck. Sorry Sue. Heh. My dick is on fire!
That's what you get for fucking that slut last night.

 

by Splunge
7-08-05
So, according to the e-mails you sent to me, you are a 40 year old dominatrix.
I can't believe you would lie like that. I flew all the way here to meet you.
Okay, I'm ready to cut my balls off...
Good slave.

 

by Splunge
7-08-05
Okay. So I cut off my testicles and buried them in this newly dug grave.
I'll probably die from loss of blood. Are you happy now?
Buy me a puppy.

 

by Splunge
7-08-05
Uhgh. So weak. Can't move. Must crawl out of freshly dug grave.
GASP!
Pretty moon.

 

by Splunge
7-08-05
I am a serious submissive. I will do anything you ask...
Meet me in the local graveyard at midnight. Bring your own shovel.
So this is for sex, right?
Yep. Of course. And bring a puppy.
Wow. You are really kinky. I like that.

 

by Splunge
7-08-05
Hi, Brad.
I know what you're doing sis.
You gonna tell mom?
Heck, no. As long as I get to eat his still beating heart this time.
Done deal. And a puppy?
Stop with the fucking puppies already. Okay?

 

by Splunge
7-09-05
Okay, so we have the rope, the shovel the axe...
...the gun, the knives and the duct tape.
The picture of the victim...
...and don't forget the chloroform.
So now get out of here you sicko, I have to pee... God, you are so strange!

 

by Splunge
7-11-05
Man. What is that smell?
Fuck, man. It smells like fresh shit. Or rotten used tampons.
Whatever. Guess I'll spark a fatty and chill.

 

by Splunge
7-11-05
Man. That smell is getting worse.
And it's not the huge dump I just took. It's stronger in the kitchen than in here. And my enormous dump isn't even flushed yet.
Well, I might as well eat the rest of the Xanax my ex-babe left in the medicine cabinet.

 

by Splunge
7-11-05
Wow. I am about as fucked up as I have ever been. But that smell is even stronger. It is SO harshing my buzz!
Hey! Hi, alien dude. I guess the 'shrooms are kicking in.
No, you dumb fuck. I'm the tofu broccoli stir-fry that you made six months ago.
Don't you EVER clean out your fridge? Fucking hippy.

 

by Splunge
7-11-05
I can't believe you grew out of something that I left in my fridge.
Trust me, it's a fucked up world in there.
How bad could it be?
Here, have an apple.

 

by Splunge
7-11-05
Oh, man this is too much to deal with. I gotta get out of here.
You know that denying the facts will not change them!
So what do we do now tofu and broccoli stir-fry?
Greetings, organic bran and soy milk pudding. I guess this means only one thing...
Yes. House party!

 

by Splunge
7-11-05
So... Nice bed here, eh?
I'm not that kind of mold.

 

by Splunge
7-13-05
Hey doc?
It hurts when I do this.
So don't do that.
I want a second opinion.
You're ugly too.

 

by Splunge
7-13-05
Doc. My girlfriend says that I drink too much. I tried to explain to her that I do it to kill the existential pain of my sorry life. But she won't listen.
Well, it's simple. Alcohol has become a crutch. You have to stop drinking.
Here's a prescription for Vicodin. Want a shot of morphine before before you pay the slut at the reception desk?

 

by Splunge
7-13-05
Hi doctor. Um, this is hard to talk about... But I think I sorta got some kind of infection in my "private area".
Let me be the judge of that, I am the doctor, after all...
Can you smell that?
Doctor? You okay?
Must... reach... door...

 

by Splunge
7-13-05
Okay. So you've been using the new "Female Viagra" for a week now. How do you feel?
Let's fuck. Right here on the floor. Give me your man meat, and make it hurt.
Alright, mother. But let's make it fast. I have other patients waiting.

 

by Splunge
7-13-05
Hello, how can I help you?
Well, doc, I have this hangnail.
And a really itchy scalp. And when I scratch my head, the hangnail cuts my scalp. And i bleed a lot.
I wonder if I shot up all of the morphine?
...so my woman says, who you gonna please with that little thing... and I says, ME bitch...

 

by Splunge
7-16-05
I am the Lord, your God. Take off your shoes from your feet. This is sacred ground.
My oh my...
...you're a bright little boy, aren't you.

 

by Splunge
7-16-05
I am the Lord God. You have come to my mountain. I will give you laws for your people. You will take the stone tablets down to them.
Tablets.
Yes, I have trouble taking them too. Try some apple sauce.

 

by Splunge
7-16-05
You are afflicted by the disease called Alzheimers. I am the Lord God. I shall cure you.
There. It is done.
What the fuck? This isn't the bus stop for Atlantic City.
Worship me!
Oh great, a talking campfire.

 

by Splunge
7-16-05
You have been cured of your affliction. I am the Lord, your God.
I have laws that I will carve upon stone tablets. You will bring them to your people.
What? The people at the casino?
No. The people of your homeland. The poor slaves that toil amongst the whips of the slave masters.
Oh, you mean the people at the old folk's home. Fuck them. They're a bunch of assholes. Except for that male nurse that gives me a sponge bath. He's a hottie.

 

by Splunge
7-16-05
Now it's been nice talking to you mister God. But I really have to go.
I have a sponge bath waiting. That male nurse has rough hands. They feel SO good on my special place.
Bitch!

 

by Splunge
7-18-05
God, I am so depressed. There can't be anyone more depressed than I am...
I can't believe that i got AIDS from a guy I met on an AIDS walk. I'm fucking dead, FUCKING DEAD!!!
... I am so miserable. My life sucks. Nobody is more depressed than I am.

 

by Splunge
7-18-05
My life sucks. I should just kill myself. The world hates me. Oh, why was I born...
Please help me! I am being chased by a mob of people who think I am a terrorist!
...I am just so unlucky. Why am I alive?

 

by Splunge
7-18-05
I hate my life. I wish I was dead.
Oh, now THIS sucks!

 

by Splunge
7-18-05
I can't believe it. The world has been destroyed. How much worse can my life get?
Yeah, tell me about it.
Hey, you're still alive too.
Yeah, I am. But I'm still miserable.
Wow, you are really depressing.

 

by Splunge
7-18-05
I'm realy fucking depressed.
So am I. Wanna fuck?
Sure. let's do it right here.
Cool!

 

by Splunge
7-18-05
If you had a ten inch penis growing out of your forehead...
...what would you see?
Nothing...
...because the balls would be covering your eyes.
Oh... nevermind.
So sorry.

 

by Splunge
7-19-05
Hello . How may I help you?
Father, I just had sex with a hot 16 year old boy. We did it every way possible. I am so sore!
Well my dear, you will say penance for your sins.
Sins, you have me all wrong father, I don't feel that I have sinned.
Then why are you telling me this?
Shit father. I'm 85 years old. I'm telling anyone who will listen.

 

by Splunge
7-20-05
Name. Rank. And explanation of where you were when Scotty died..
James... T... Kirk... Admiral... retired... Scotty... was... in.... the... engine... room... I... insisted... that... he... give.... me... more... power...
You do realize that Scotty was suffering from Alzheimers and he had a severe heart condition, right?
He... was... my... chief... engineer... it... was... his... job...
No, you kidnapped him from his family and forced him to work in the engine room. You are formally charged with his death...You have the right to remain silent...
Yeah... right... as... if... I... could...ever...shut...up...Spock? Spock?

 

by Splunge
7-22-05
There is certainly a small portion of people viewing this who are thinking...
...young asian girls in a bedroom...
...this makes you horny...
...as you picture us having underage lesbian sex...
...you know who you are...
...and some of you are now thinking, how do they know this? Sick and paranoid is no way to go through life.

 

by Splunge
7-22-05
Actually, we do have hot lesbian loveplay together...
...if you saw it you would blow a load in your pants...
...of course, we will not show it to you...
...you do not deserve to see it...
...ha ha...
...syke!

 

by Splunge
7-22-05
Oh, oh, yes...
Wait I hear something, turn on the light...
Oh, it is you...
...get lost.
Please, more...
Not yet, they are still there...

 

by Splunge
7-22-05
Yeah this cowboy thing is a great idea...
People seem to like it. I bet it really takes off!
I'm here to ride you... bitch.

 

by Splunge
8-02-05
In the news today, President Bush fucked the country yet again...
John Bolton, a complete asshole, was appointed today as ambassador to the UN...
President Bush said,"You think this is bad? Wait until I come over to your house and fuck you in the ass.You'll wish the ambassador thing was the worse thing I did. You are all my bitches. HAHAHAHA!!"

 

by Splunge
8-02-05
In the news today, the Doomsday Clock, is set at 10 minutes to midnight...
As you know, the Doomsday Clock was started by scientists to describe how close we are to the possibility of a nuclear war. It hasn't been this bad since 1981.
We here at Channel 4 News suggest that you kiss your ass goodbye. Now do me on the news desk Brad! Now you bastard, and make it hurt!

 

by Splunge
8-02-05
I like this better.
Welcome to the Home Shopping Channel... What do we have up right now, Carol?
Okay, we have this fine CBW suit. As you know, CBW stands for chemical and biological warfare. If you live in the USA today you need one of these.
That's right, Carol, otherwise you might breath in something that will totally fuck you up... I'm talking bleeding from your eyes. Total excruciating pain...

 

by Splunge
8-02-05
So Achmed, how goes our campaign of terror?
I believe that we have scared the shit out of a few children in the Country of the Satan.
Hmmmm... this is good. Yet they have pretty much turned our lovely country into a parking lot, no?
It would seem that way, Abdullah.
Perhaps we should kick it up a bit? Maybe blow up some more people? Send your son into a City of Satan with a bomb strapped to him.
My son? What about you, you have nothing but worthless daughters. Blow them up, fuckwad!

 

by Splunge
8-03-05
Today in the news. Police officials in New York said that they will not racially profile people when they search their bags at subway stations...
Police Commisioner Raymond Kelly said, "We will not focus on people of any race, color or look. The searches will be totally random."
Thank Allah!
That stupid costume was killing my balls.

 

by Splunge
8-03-05
Allahu akbar!
Welcome to the country of the Great Satan, Abdullah. You don't have to wear that horrible costume and makeup. The police here do not search for us. They are so stupid, we may walk free here.
But I like it.
Would you like to touch my pert titties?
Okay, but just this once...

 

by Splunge
8-03-05
Okay. Hit the code for unscrambling the porn channels. Put on Hairy Peter and the Sorcerers Bone...
Oh! Do me Hairy!
Damn, got the beer shits!
OH GOD, you're so BIG!
MOM???
How will you fit that crystal ball in my... OH MY GOD!!!! Ahhhh! You're a wizard, Hairy!

 

by Splunge
8-05-05
Allahu akbar, Achmed. I have the explosives.
Alhamdulillah, Abdullah. And I have made the vest to place them in.
Let me get this straight, I have risked my life purchasing explosives in the Land of the Great Satan. And you have been sewing a vest?
Well, my greatest friend and brother under Allah. I wanted it to fit you properly.
Fit me? What the fuck?
Hey I have daughters to feed. While they are useless, they do need a daddy. Oh, and I made a vest for your fine son as well...

 

by Splunge
8-05-05
So you are saying that I will blow myself up. And my son will blow himself up. And you will live?
Yes, my friend, I will suffer in my life here in the Land of the Great Satan.
That does not sound like suffering to me.
Well, you will be in heaven with 72 virgins. And I will be here with my many daughters. All of whom are useless as you know.
Well, when you put it that way.
Good, get yourself and your son into the exploding vests and get going. The View is on soon, and I have margaritas in the blender.

 

by Splunge
8-05-05
On The View today, what do women really want. With our special guest, Doctor Phil.
Oh, by Allah, I love him!
We interrupt The View for this breaking news flash.... Two terrorist bombers set off explosives in the New York city subway. It was in the 145th street subway station in Harlem.
A station closed due to budget cuts. So the only ones killed were the terrorists.
Fuck this shit, get back to the damn program, bitch!

 

by Splunge
8-05-05
I am back, Abdullah.
How the fuck??!!?? I mean, it is good Achmed. How do you return? You are not blown up?
No. My son and I placed our vests upon black people sleeping in the abandoned station.
So you wasted the explosives?
Well, you could look at it that way. But I like to think of it as a test run.
Good thinking, Achmed. Then you will love the new suit I have made for you. And of course your son. May Allah bless you both. In Heaven, of course...

Showing page 1.

Next »