All comics by UnknownEric

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by UnknownEric
11-07-02
I have superpowers.
Shit!
Wait, let me guess. Figure of speech, right?

 

by UnknownEric
11-07-02
I have superpowers.
My ass!
Okay, that one I'm not falling for...

 

by UnknownEric
11-07-02
Whatdya think about my comics?
Eh. You're mediocre at best.
Screw you! Who are you to judge? Your comics suck too!
Dude, calm down. You asked for my opinion, I gave it. Chill out.
Chill out? I know when I've been insulted! Just because you have no sense of humor...
You gonna drink that?

 

by UnknownEric
11-08-02
What kind of grades are you hoping to get this semester, Stinky?
I'm hoping to achieve total A-ness.
After that, we don't even need a punch line.

 

by UnknownEric
11-08-02
When I become King of the World, instead of Election Day, everyone will celebrate Alex Trebek Day.
And what will that be like?
Everyone will act like they know all the answers even though they're only reading from a little piece of paper somebody gave them.
So you're saying it'll be pretty much the same.

 

by UnknownEric
11-11-02
Hi, kids. Squirrel and Cowboy here to talk to you about the dangers of drugs.
Kids, don't do drugs. Unless they're prescribed by your doctor.
Or if you have a headache, you can take an aspirin.
And nicotine, caffeine and alcohol are actually legal, although alcohol isn't legal unless you're 21 and over.
The more you know...
And it's okay to smoke a doobie, just because the phrase "smoke a doobie" is funny.
And I've never heard anything bad said about licking toads...

 

by UnknownEric
11-11-02
Did you hear? Richard Gere went an entire year without getting a gerbil stuck in his ass!
No kidding!
I can't vouch for the ferret population though.

 

by UnknownEric
11-11-02
Whatever happened to cool, obscure comics like Alpha Flight?
Gee, a comic about a Canadian superhero troupe. I wonder why that didn't go over.
Fine, you have a point. But what about Cloak and Dagger? It was edgy, hip, cool... why did that die while boring crap like the Avengers lives?
Good question. I never really understood the appeal of the Avengers either.
Now the West Coast Avengers were the shit!
If you even mention Power Pack, I'm leaving...

 

by UnknownEric
11-15-02
So I said, "Altar boy, those rotor turbines aren't going to generate gravitons by themselves."
Ha, ha, ha.
Then you buggered him, right?

 

by UnknownEric
11-17-02
If you could be any other person for one day, who would you be?
That's a difficult question. We all like to think that the grass truly is greener on the other side, but everybody has their problems, their concerns... everybody gets bored...
I'd want to be Iggy Pop.
Why Iggy?
Well, I'm so used to not wearing a shirt...
Ask a stupid question...

 

by UnknownEric
11-17-02
I am Mega Man! Protector of truth, justice, and 8 bit graphics! And you are...
*sigh* I'm your enemy for this level Robotic Intestine Shooter Man.
Robot... aww, come on! Who comes up with this crap?
Let's see how well you do naming things after 50 sequels.
Do I at least get a cool Intestine Gun for beating you or something?...
No, you get syphilis.

 

by UnknownEric
11-18-02
All apologies to Groucho.
Outside of a dog, Communism is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
I don't care to belong to a club that would have bourgeois members.
Say the magic word and a duck'll fly down, give you victory over the bourgeoisie.
I've had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it.

 

by UnknownEric
11-20-02
Stinky, do you want to star in my new series of adult films?
Wha? Urrrr... are you on again about those James Schlong 0012" movies?
Yeah. I'm finally going to get started on the first one, "Dr. Yes!"
Lemme guess, then "From Russia With Sluts," "Stinkfinger" and "Thunderballs-deep," right?
You haven't even got to "Lick And Let Rise" yet.
Can I order a new partner for these comics please?

 

by UnknownEric
11-22-02
You've heard the gag where people add "in bed" to the end of fortune cookie sayings, right?
Huh? I don't get it.
Here, let me show you. Mine says, "You will find what you have been looking for." In bed! Ha! Get it? What does yours say?
"You will soon wake up next to a python, a pair of rubber boots, and Russell Crowe."
In bed! See, I told you it was funny.
Please hold me.

 

by UnknownEric
11-22-02
Wow. Jesus Christ? Is it really you?
Yes, my son. I'm here to answer one question for you and one question alone.
Only one question?
Yes. Okay, that's it. Your one question was answered.
Aww, crud. And I had a really good question about me, Laetitia Casta, and a tub of butter.
No.

 

by UnknownEric
11-23-02
Hi, I'm Squirrel, and I have myself in a bit of a predicament and was hoping for some help.
You see, Squirrel here has run up over $20,000 in credit card bills and would like you to send him money to pay them off.
I'm a very nice squirrel, I just have an uncontrollable addiction to Prada clothes and lip gloss.
So, if you'd like to help Squirrel with his debt, please send your donation to: Save Squirrel, P.O. Box 69, Uncontrollableville, MD 00000.
You think I should offer to pose nude?
Wait, Prada clothes and lip gloss?

 

by UnknownEric
11-23-02
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
*DEVOUR*
Unnnnnhhhhh?

 

by UnknownEric
11-23-02
Halfa my paper is, like... gone...
And it was a really good paper.
Bummer.

 

by UnknownEric
11-23-02
Outta the way, pipsqueak... Janie Porche is here.
Wow. Hey, when you're done, you wanna take some Benadryl with me?
And then you plug this into this... and it's done.
You saved Christmas!
Don't forget it, bitch.

 

by UnknownEric
11-23-02
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines apparently ARE gonna generate gravitons by themselves."
Holy crap!
RAAAAAAR! Tobor will NOT cornhole you!

 

by UnknownEric
11-24-02
One night in Bangkok...
I can feel the devil sliding next to me...
You ever tasted demon cock?
I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine.

 

by UnknownEric
11-25-02
Tonight on Eyewitness News: All of the world's leaders are killed, nuclear war breaks out in the Middle East, a black hole is headed toward Earth...
...and tonight's top story: Our local football team loses 24-7. For in-depth, 25 minute analysis, here are some half-drunk ex-high school coaches...
I want a new drug.
... I think they shoulda run a flea-flicker on 4th and 3...

 

by UnknownEric
12-07-02
But the bed is so warm...

 

by UnknownEric
12-07-02
Ahh, such a nice day for a stroll in the wilderness. Sometimes I just like to... whoop...
Hello, hello... wot's all this about? A bag filled with cold, hard cash? 800 million dollars worth? Oh my!
I wonder who's responsible for this?
Ho ho... hurf?

 

by UnknownEric
12-07-02
Well hello there, St. Nick.
Urrgh... hi Dave. Have you been a good little boy this year?
Yes, Santa, I've been a very good boy. Now my sexy, older sister, she's been naughty. Very, very...
Yes, yes. Whatever. Say, have you seen a large bag around these parts? Possibly filled with drug mo... I mean, toys! Yes, toys for children?
Haven't seen a thing, Claus.
You do remember that I can see you when you're sleeping, right?

 

by UnknownEric
12-07-02
Sexy older sister Holly, wait til you hear what I found today?
Your penis?
Y'know what, up yours.
Just makin' a comment...

 

by UnknownEric
12-07-02
Hi, I hear you're the man I want to see to purchase a sports franchise.
That's right. Whadda ya want. NFL? NBA? NHL? MLB?
I was thinking MLS, actually.
*Sigh* It's sad that that's the punchline.

 

by UnknownEric
12-07-02
Wow, thank you for the great deal on the Kansas City Royals!
No problem.
Wait. The Kansas City Royals? Uhh. I'm screwed, aren't I?
You ever tasted demon cock?
I think I just did.
Bingo.

 

by UnknownEric
12-07-02
So, my nouveau riche brother comes home to see his sister again, huh?
Forget it, Holly, I'm broke.
Broke? But you just found the money an hour ago!?! What...
I bought the Kansas City Royals.
You're a real dumbass. You know that, right?
Whatever.

 

by UnknownEric
12-07-02
Oh boy, oh boy... it's Christmas morning!
Move yer ass, Dave, I wanna see my presents!
Oh cool, I got a new PC, see through panties, and Santa's personal cell phone number. What did you get, Dave? Dave?
Don't ask.

 

by UnknownEric
12-08-02
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Okay, I'm prepared now.

 

by UnknownEric
12-08-02
I've been thinking about the actual effect that the violence at the 1968 Democratic Convention had on the American leftist movement. I mean, for one, Phil Ochs never got over it...
True. "Rehearsals For Retirement" was such a tired, knowing statement of defeat from a formerly spirited voice of the people.
But, also... by that point, hippiedom had been mass-marketed so much it had lost much of its original strong communal, anti-establishment principles.
And had merely become the latest fad amongst teens in America's heartland.
The only good part that came out of the watering-down of hippiedom was a good five to six years of very short dresses.
Yeah, you ever notice that the good fashions NEVER come back into style?

 

by UnknownEric
12-08-02
Whenever I'm in a situation where I have to make a tough decision, I always look at my bracelet and think... "What would Jesus do?"
Then I remember that Jesus probably wouldn't be trying to decide between NBA 2K3 and Baldur's Gate.
You think?

 

by UnknownEric
12-08-02
I solemnly swear...
Shitfuckcockass.

 

by UnknownEric
12-11-02
Hi. I'm Mindy Hamilton, from the Eyewitness News team, hosting the Channel 22 Save the Kids Telethon.
Although this show benefits an excellent cause, it's so unwatchable that we're raising very little money for said cause.
Coming up, Kirk Cameron, Erik Estrada, Kato Kaelin, and the music of T'pau!

 

by UnknownEric
12-11-02
Jesus.
Darwin.
Jesus!
Darwin!
Shark.
*GULP*

 

by UnknownEric
12-17-02
FUCK YOU!

 

by UnknownEric
12-17-02
Hi everybody! You may remember me as the Microsoft paperclip. Y'know, the one with the obvious, annoying suggestions?
Since I've been laid off, I've taken up a new singing career. That's right, tonight I'm gonna sing the hits of the Replacements, startin' with this number...
"I need a goddamn job... I need a goddamn job..."

 

by UnknownEric
12-18-02
and she said, "I don't know, but it sure felt funny!"
HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA
HAHAha... ahhhh... That was a great joke.
Thanks.

 

by UnknownEric
12-18-02
So Firefly just got cancelled, Buffy is surely in its last season, and chances are the WB won't renew Angel...
That's right.
So what you're saying is we're going to go from a season with 3 high quality Joss Whedon shows on TV to a season with none...
Looks like.
... and yet Yes Dear continues to survive...
The world is a strange place.

 

by UnknownEric
12-19-02
Oh, yes. Oh God, yes. It's finally going to happen! Keep going! Faster!
That's it! Oh My God! I'm going to! I'm going to!
YES! After 20 years, I finally won at Pole Position!!! I'm so happy I could smash a Gloria Gaynor record!

 

by UnknownEric
12-20-02
Boy, disco really sucks, doesn't it?
Tell me about it.

 

by UnknownEric
12-29-02
Honey, honey! I won a Comic Competition on Stripcreator!
Cool. What did you win?
Uhh... the respect and admiration of my peers.
You suck.

 

by UnknownEric
12-29-02
Lots of guitars.
No Cadillacs.
Hey! I told you... it's in the shop!
And only a LITTLE bit of hillbilly music.
Which gives this comic a Dwight Yoakam Factor of 44%.

 

by UnknownEric
12-31-02
On the WB, Angel.
On CBS, Touched By An Angel.
I'm telling my mother!
On Fox, Dark Angel.

 

by UnknownEric
1-02-03
Whoa. A hot chick!
Yep. Just keep looking at me and pay no attention to what's going on behind me.
Hey, isn't that John Ashcroft setting up spy cameras in my bathroom?
Look! Panties!
Urf!?! Homina. What spy cameras?
My job is so easy.

 

by UnknownEric
1-02-03
Hello, and welcome to the 2002 National Cussing Awards in beautiful Los Angeles.
The big award, "Dirtiest Mouth of 2002," is still to come. But first... The Most Creative New Cuss of the Year.
The nominees are: Cock Rambler, Fuckin' Ass-Titty, and Ballfuck.

 

by UnknownEric
1-02-03

 

by UnknownEric
1-08-03
I just took a dump.
You're disgusting!
I just took a dump.
Get away from me, you sicko!
Geez, someone gives you your own garbage dump and suddenly nobody wants to know you.

 

by UnknownEric
1-09-03
Hi, I'm Professor Eric and welcome to my course, Why Modern Punk Rock Gets It All Wrong By Pretending Punk Is A Musical Style And Not An Attitude 101.
Damn.

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