All comics by atomiclunch

Profile

 

by atomiclunch
8-11-15
Nottingham: 2015
I must protest! This is not the way!
Do you yield?
I'd rather roast in hell!
As you wish.
It is done, Kevin Hood. I've offed Friar Cluck.
Good work, Maid Hare-ian. May his nuggets be tender, I don't like the way Piddle John is eyeing Gallon-of-Ale.

 

by atomiclunch
8-13-15
What happened to YOU? ...today
My Bluetooth headset.
Huh?
Well, I collect antique door hardware and I was on the phone about a really good score...
"Hell yeah! I'd love to get my hands on those knockers!"
!

 

by atomiclunch
8-13-15
So, Agnes kicked your ass?
Sort of.
Need help?
Thanks, please do.
Thank you.

 

by atomiclunch
8-13-15
This went on for a good while...
That's quite a whoopin' you administered. Did he insult you, too,
Oh, gosh no. I just...
"really, really enjoy this..."

 

by atomiclunch
8-14-15
Hey Maura! How can I get rid of a guy that doesn't understand "no"?
I'd love to fool around, the lesions are nearly healed!
I'm gonna need a stool sample, first!
Uh-oh Spaghetti-o's!

 

by atomiclunch
8-15-15
Excuse me, I kinda need to get past you to put out this fire, if that's okay.
It's not okay. That fire is a friend of mine and means no harm to anyone.
I know it seems that way but really, you can never trust a fire. Fires lie. It's getting closer and...
YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!
'k

 

Yeah, it's 2015. I don't DO coal anymore, you naughty bastard!
by atomiclunch, 8-15-15

 

by atomiclunch
8-15-15
After the wine and candlelight...
Well, here we are, at last.
It's like, like a dream come true.
So... You ready? You know this changes things...
I know, but it's what I want and have wanted for so long, I feel like I'm on fire with lust!!
I know how to put that fire out!
AIIEEE!! I meant I wanted anal!!

 

by atomiclunch
8-15-15
AAAGGG!!
EEEEEE!!!
YOWZA!!
I see the new tabletop flamethrowers are operational.

 

by atomiclunch
8-16-15
Nothing more impressive than achieving a long sought-after goal.
I've done nearly every guy in school, students, teachers, the janitor, guy with fish hands. Just one more and I can graduate with a perfect score!
Okay, Ethan. I'm yours for the night. Just climb up on the bed and you can do me! YAY!
With what? My penis?!
Um, yes?

 

by atomiclunch
8-17-15
"Please tell Gabe that I apologize for kneeing him in the nuts for calling me a two-bit whore."
*oof*
"I took great offense to that as I'm quite clearly a fydollaho. I hope Gabe will remember this in the future."
*squeak*
"Sincerely, Gabe's mom"
*whimper*

 

by atomiclunch
8-18-15
Hey Neil! Watch me bake a urinal cake!
AAIIEE! HOW?
Nobody fucks with the WINDEX® AVENGER, you knob!

 

by atomiclunch
8-20-15
Okay, almost done.
Ow! Fuck!
This is going to look so good. Now, let's get you upright.
Cool!
Let's put you in the foyer.
How much to decorate my office, too?

 

by atomiclunch
8-20-15
Somewhere on a Class-M planet
What da fuque is that?
I don't know. I've never seen anything like it!
Well, you got the piece, Flash Gordon, light its ass up!
I can't shoot! I'm a red shirt! Shit, it's gonna -
Ew!
Ick! Gross!

 

by atomiclunch
8-21-15
Hey, little girl. Want a ride in my invisible car? I have an invisible PS4...
Listen, Slick, I'm a 24 year-old from L.A. with a PH. D. in chemical engineering.
I'm NOT some fresh-off-the-boat flooz that wants to "love you long time", understand, dipshit?
I also have invisible ice cream...
...So, you have invisible Fudge Ripple?

 

by atomiclunch
8-21-15
Phreaky, you know how I'm always trying to get a look at your 44DDs? I have 20 bucks.
You'd have to give me waaayy more than that.
Oh, it's not for you.
I have this.. friend.
You? Friend?
20 bucks is 20 bucks.

 

by atomiclunch
8-23-15
Hey Chen, like everyone else in the building, I did your wife last night.
Y U I orta!
Not such a badass without those wings, are ya?
Eh-HEM.
So, you had your ass handed to you by a fly.
Well, since he kicked it across the room, I thought it rather polite of him to return it, yes.

 

by atomiclunch
8-24-15
Dad, when did you realize that you were an atheist?
That's a funny story junior. It was a warm night, "Atom Heart Mother" was playing and I was balls deep in your mother. I'd been holding off all week and I was ready to bust a nut, big as shit.
I unloaded a massive wad of my special man mustard. So much, I expected it to squirt from her ears! I was about to check if I broke my rubber but remembered that I didn't use one to start with.
Well, all I could do after lubing her fallopian tubes with a couple quarts of 10WJizz was pray that I didn't knock her up.
9 months later, I have a 13-lb you, a wife whose new nickname is "the Chunnel" and a realization that there is no god.

 

by atomiclunch
8-25-15
Maura, thank you for helping to scrape me off of that windshield. I will grant you one wish!
Hmmm. Oh! I wish psst mmssp pssss
Later
Hey Maura, come on over here and we can -
Dammit, I wished for a giant grandfather cock!

 

by atomiclunch
8-26-15

 

by atomiclunch
8-26-15
I could feel his icy stare. I figured I oughta get to the point before I ended up behind Poquito's 8-ball
So, what's this about, Chuck?
I have a client with a geometric cheating issue. Wants me to get the lowdown on her husband's extracurricular activities. Says he works for you.
Works for me, you say? What's this palooka's name?
Barry
Barry? HAHAHAHAHA!! Seriously?
Yeah, why?

 

by atomiclunch
8-26-15
HAHAHAHA! You make Poquito laugh! I like you, Roast. We should get together more often!
So, you telling me he ain't the marrying kind?
I don't know. I suppose i could see him married, just not to... Who's his wife?
Name's Lana.
She wouldn't be a nurse would she?
Might.

 

by atomiclunch
8-27-15
When my baby's walking down the street, I see red
I see red
I see red

 

by atomiclunch
8-27-15
How can someone wicked walk 'round free? I see red
I see red
I see red

 

by atomiclunch
8-28-15
Mel, why?
sssshhh, sh-sh-shh
Don't spoil the moment.

 

by atomiclunch
8-29-15
Oh look. It's THIS guy.
I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time.
Believe in THIS, "Friedrich"? BOOYAH!
YOWZA!
Still, a little church never hurt anyone. Methodist okay with you?

 

by atomiclunch
8-30-15
Dr. Speculum, I'm having some issues with my... er... "monthly visitor".
Well, I'm sure that I can help you out, tell ya what, if you want to let me have a look here, we'll get to the botto-
OK, Doctor. Wait. Cramp!
Flow, seems kinda... heavy.
Little bit.

 

by atomiclunch
8-31-15
C'mon Maura, remember the fun times?
No, not this again! Go away!
That one time, with the pompoms and the heels...
That WAS fun...
Yeah it was.
Oh, imaginary stripper pole, why can't I quit you?

 

by atomiclunch
9-01-15
Well, Phreaky. Looks like armageddon is done. It's just you and me, soooo, you wanna...you know?
Hell, you didn't have to wipe out civilization to get laid, I've always wanted to do you. You just had to ask. Oh, and put on the suit.
YAY!
Yeah, baby. Shake that comb!
This was much more erotic in my mind.

 

by atomiclunch
9-02-15
ARR! Let's be getting to plundering, mateys!
AYE AYE!
I'm so ashamed - A.L.
You mean ARM ARM, don't you?

 

by atomiclunch
9-02-15
Today I read a story about a man in Chengdu, China who, after being constipated for 10 years, had an 11-lb poop removed from his colon.
11 lbs. That's one large turd. I remember a particularly persistent case of constipation I dealt with once...
*nnnnnnggggghhhh* This has been a week of pure HELL!! *nnnnnnnggggghhh*
11-lb. poop. 11 pounds!
OHH! AHHH! That's so much better. Now, what the hell did I eat?
What a whiny-ass lightweight!
Worst. Road. Trip. Ever!
I enjoyed the view from the duodenum, though.

 

by atomiclunch
9-03-15
'Cause this is thriller, thriller night And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to Strike You know it's thriller, thriller night You're fighting for your life inside a killer Thriller tonight
Um, Michael.
What is it, Santa? Ow!
Look, I know you love that song but it's more of a Halloween theme thing, y'know?
So I ran into Christmas, there's always time for Thriller, right?
Mike, It's christmas 2015, you've been dead for 6 1/2 years and you're not using makeup for that look anymore. Seriously, it's time to Beat It.

 

by atomiclunch
9-05-15
Boss Boss Boss! What day is it?
Not again, RB.
Chen! Tell me what day it is before I kick your ass!
I'm not doing this again.
Support your local Bacon!
*sigh* It's international bacon day. Yay.
Bacon Day-ee

 

by atomiclunch
9-07-15
What I heard was -
Yes, Herman and I were talking and yes, I DID say that I was hungry enough to eat the ass-end of a shark.
But when I swam over and said "prove it, you pussy".
You should've realized that I don't engage in hyperbole and thus, I meant *exactly* what I said.
Ow.
I'm sure you'll grow a tasty new ass. Eventually.

 

by atomiclunch
9-07-15
So, I hear you think you're some kinda badass, eating the ass-end off of a shark?
Yeah, got a problem with that, tough guy?
Ow, fuck!
Yeah, candy-ass.

 

by atomiclunch
9-08-15
Pair of ack-ack guns that'd take out a battleship? Botoxed her face into a plastic mess?
Yeah, that's her alright.
Barry's wife, eh? Shit. Hope he's enjoyiing that. Poquito would never be hungry with her around. Still... Barry. Really?
That's what the lady said. Also, she's fooling around with another schlub. Guy named Chen.
CHEN? Santa Mierda! It better not be the Chen I think it is. Poquito does not approve of such lowbrow behavior.
She didn't specify that, yet. You think she means YOUR Chen?

 

by atomiclunch
9-08-15
Maybe Poquito and I were going to get along after all.
Okay Chuck, you have my blessing. I'll tell my guys to stay off your back while you check things out. Don't make me regret it.
Thanks, Poquito.
And let me know what you find. If Chen's in this, i'll take it out of his ass, personally.
Will do.
Maybe we weren't.
Say, Chuck. What's your going rate? That dame is rolling in cash, y'know! I hope she didn't play you for a sap, just offering a thermometer or somethin'. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Haha, heh. Good one, Poquito.

 

by atomiclunch
9-08-15
With Poquito's blessing procured, it was time to start earning my "pay".
Hey Chuck.
Hey Phreaky, AAIIEE!!
Enjoying the view, ya big palooka?
If Poquito showed up now, I'd be wearing a concrete onesie by morning...
Your plackets are huge!
And they're tasty, too. Wanna know more?

 

by atomiclunch
9-09-15
Day 7: After light, water, firmament, etc.
Looks me-damn good. I think i'll chill out today, crack open a couple of cold ones. Yeah, why the hell not!
Later that night...
Mother FUCKER! I KNEW i forgot something. Gotta fuck with 'em, you know!
On The 8th Day, which was technically just the Monday of the 3-day Creation Weekend...
Go forth my... Son? Fulfill your life's mission! Bring the teachings of the Costnerverse to this one. Or else.
'k. Asswad.

 

by atomiclunch
9-09-15
Okay Hal. You ready? This is an extremely important piece that you're about to perform.
When I'm finished, The Ballad of Beeko will burn forever in everyone's minds.
Rule one of The Ballad of Beeko: Never talk about The Ballad of Beeko!
Got it! Towel please?

 

by atomiclunch
9-09-15
To the tune of Elton John's "Levon", in case it's not clear...
Beeko lives in a reality that he's made He calls his child Costner 'Cause he likes the name And if he didn't, he'd ne-ver get laid
I didn't expect a mosh pit for a ballad.
Beeko, Beeko sees the future. What'll happen? He often tries to say. Spends his days drawing, In the basement of the basement of the basement, Of the Milky Way
He was born a penguin to a nun on a fantasmical day. When the Chicago Trib said the Cubs have won. So the end was nigh. Kevin Costner hid his son today.
Um, Mother Superior, I can explain...
Waaah!

 

by atomiclunch
9-09-15
And he shall be Beeko. And he shall be a penguinman. And he shall be Beeko. In tradition with Cthulhu's plan.
Woo!
And he shall be Beeko. And he shall strip like a madman. He Shall Be Beeko
That's NOT what I meant!
I AM Beeko!

 

by atomiclunch
9-09-15
Beeko draws cartoons for some dude named Brad. His strippin' business thrives.
Keep pumpin' 'em out! KA-CHING!
Yes sir. You know I'm trying to illustrate the future of your universe if you don't accept Motherfucking Kevin Costner as your savior, right?
Costner edits cartoons all day. Sits on the golf course trying not to cry.
Why the fuck am I even here? I'm Goddamn Motherfucking Kevin The Almighty Costner for Costnerssakes!
test
And Costner, he wants to change conventions. For he is the Bodyguard.
Listen dickweed, I'm about 3 seconds from giving you a Flying-V enema. You feel me?

 

by atomiclunch
9-09-15
Take a portal and go slipping 'tween dimensions. While Beeko, Beeko's talkin' ji-ive.
Wheee!!
Just a damn minute. I do NOT speak jive. What's that shit?
Yeah, was having a hard time with that last line. Still, I can make it work...
How, Assmunch? How you gonna - Hey, you know what they say: see a broad to get dat booty yak 'em ...leg 'er down a smack 'em yak 'em!
There. All fixed.

 

by atomiclunch
9-10-15
I live, and drive, in San Francisco
Okay Jon, my place is right across the street. You ready?
YAY! One crosswalk to Phreaky's Casa de 44 doble d's!! I can't wait!
Since moving here, I have come to the conclusion
Relax... There's no hurrrrrrrryyy
True, we have all the time in the world, no one else matters...
that San Francisco pedestrians
Live life at the
speed of mosey

 

by atomiclunch
9-10-15
Santa, it's almost midnight. Shouldn't you be getting ready?
I don't know, Rudy. I'm not seeing the R.O.I. that the shareholders expect anymore. This IS a business, after all.
But Santa, what about the kids?
There are no "good" kids, anymore. If I want to keep this place profitable I have to lose the "toy" cost overhead. In short, Rudy, fuck the kids. They're bleeding me dry.
What are you saying, Santa? And is this tied in with the arrival of the big ovens?
Toys are old news. Now, Elf Jerky, THAT'S where the money is!

 

by atomiclunch
9-11-15
Pardon me, sir. Would you have any Grey Poupon?
Nnnooope. Just this here Thunderbird!
Ah.
Hell, if you want, I'll smear some grey poop on it and share it with ya!
They're not making the rabble like they used to.

 

by atomiclunch
9-11-15
I'm sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I don't think you were the person I referred to in the ad. No offense.
Well, the Missed Connection ad said, "You: Cute thing at Spruce and Main on Sunday at 9:15 showing awesome gum action, call 555-5555."
GAM, gam action. There's the problem. I'm terribly sorry to have wasted your ti-
Oh, I just assumed you saw me blowing that policeman with my teeth out. I'll just be going, then.
And Craigslist sparks another successful relationship!
Um, can I buy you a drink?
Honey, you don't have to get me liquored up. Just pretend that it'll get me out of a ticket.

 

by atomiclunch
9-13-15
Yo phreaky, how about a look at those melons?
Suurr- no.
Why not?
It's what you want, apparently.
Later
Look, you can have my cash AND my stash. Just change the damn sign, PLEASE!

 

by atomiclunch
9-14-15
♫ Strangers passing in the street. By chance two separate glances meet ♫
♫ And I am you and what I see is me ♫
♫ And do I take you by th- ♭

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