All comics by bari

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by bari
1-20-05
One day, whilst chewing the fat...
Diamond, what's that smell?
I can't smell anything mate
Seriously, I'm sure I can smell something, smells almost like...
Think you must be imagining it, It's probably nothing
FOR FUCK'S SAKE! STOP CARRYING ABBIE'S PANTS AROUND IN YOUR FUCKING BRIEFCASE YOU SICK FUCK!

 

by bari
1-20-05
Diamond and Arnoldi are listening in on a conversation between Laura and Janine...
Can't wait til Comeplay tomorrow, I'm going to pull so many black men!
Yeah, me too. Black men are the best. Let's go to Fez tonight, there'll be loads of them there!
Fucking boons, I wish the girls would shut up about them!
Me too, I hate all niggers! They should all be killed at birth!
I fucking wish I was black
I fucking wish I was black

 

by bari
1-20-05
What's going on here?
Little girl, why don't you put your hand in my big pocket and then you can eat my cream pie...
Arnoldi suspects something is up...
Hmm, that clown's being a bit lewd... Hang on a minute...
One scuffle and undressing later, all is revealed...
SMITH YOU COCK! STOP DRESSING UP AND ABUSING YOUNG CHILDREN! AND SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT CAT ABOUT??

 

by bari
1-20-05
Midnight on Charlotte Street, and the local police seem to be doing a good job...
I'm afraid you're going to have to CUM with me little girl, and feel the full force of the LONG ARM of the law...
OK Officer Smith
That's good, the are police enforcing good morals and discipline from a young age... Hang about... Officer Smith...
However, a scuffle and an undressing foils Smith once again...
SMITH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!! HOW MANY TIMES?!? STOP DRESSING UP AND ABUSING UNDERAGE GIRLS! AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING WITH THAT CUNTING CAT???

 

by bari
1-20-05
Diamond and Arnoldi have been chewing the fat on the way home...
Seriously mate, Smith's child abuse is getting beyond a joke! Santa, a clown, a policeman! What's next, dressing up as Jesus Christ?
Hmm, Jesus Christ...
Don't you agree Diamond? Diamond?? Oh for fuck's sake...
Oh dear.
Hello youngster, would you like to help Jesus Christ with his LPC work? While he sodomises you?

 

by bari
1-20-05
Given the recent spate of chald-raping in Bristol, Arnoldi tries to warn as many young girls as he can...
So little girl, you haven't been talking to any strange clowns, policemen, Santa Claus characters or messiahs have you?
No
But I was gangbanged by a blonde guy in a suit and a weird guy with a cat
Oh for fuck's sake

 

by bari
1-20-05
Arnoldi and Indian are lamenting the fact that Joe Evans is considerably more handsome than them...
It's ridiculous! He makes no effort but he still looks amazing! Every girl I know fancies him!
True, but I heard these guys saying he was ugly once
Really? Who?
Brad Pitt and Jonny Depp
Truth: they weren't saying that at all. They had a monk on just like us.

 

by bari
1-20-05
Jesus Christ is getting in there with the fittest barmaid in Wedgies...
So then I turned water into wine and fed 5000 people...
Wow, you're the most perfect guy in the world...
So anyway, fancy coming back to mine babe? Babe?? Oh for fuck's sake...
Fucking Joe Evans...
...so that's how I got the cuts on my penis. Anyway, I'm from Tennessee... *burp*
If this warts-ridden beatiful man doesn't bum me I'm going to kill myself

 

by bari
1-20-05
Annie's mother was alarmed at the latest story on the local news...
...and in other news, parents are being asked to be extra-careful given the chilling spate of child-raping which has engulfed Bristol...
That's terrible... I can't leave little Annie on her own tonight... I must get a babysitter.
Thankyou so much for babysitting at such short notice. Just remember to feed Annie, and feel free to help yourself to anything you want to eat or drink.
That's very kind of you! Have a good night at the dance
I'm going to "feed" Annie my cock, and then "help myself" to her sweet bald vagina...

 

by bari
1-21-05
Little Annie's funeral service is drawing to a close...
...and we should be grateful for the life of this wonderful little girl, who gave joy to all she met...
Thankyou so much for a wonderful service Reverand Newton
It was only fitting, Annie was a wonderful young lady
Minutes later...
Let the munging begin...

 

by bari
1-21-05
After Arnoldi and Indian's true motives are revealed, they hatch a plan to eliminate the competition...
I can't believe they're onto us, we've gotta do something fast!
OK, you eliminate the competition and I'll hunt down a new crop of underage girls for us to wear as hats...
Arnoldi sets of in pursuit of the evil alliance...
Have you seen anything suspicious? Maybe a blonde guy with a briefcase?
Shit Out
No... although there was a guy with a cat. I remembered thinking it was strange... Who buys 27 cans of "Whiskas" and a pickaxe?
Fuck

 

by bari
1-21-05
Indian and Arnoldi are becoming increasingly downhearted with the evil alliance's monopoly on Bristol's underage rape market...
We can't get a look in! There's just too many of them, what with Seb and HODGES. We need to expand
But how? Phil's busy with rugby, Joe's too handsome to need to rape... We've shit out!
Arnoldi walks home, dejected. He takes a shortcut through a dark alley...
What the... Fifford, what the fuck are you doing? Why aren't you in Hull?
Bingo.
REDFACE!! I got sacked from my placement for raping the bosses kid, so i kidnapped her to Bristol! Wanna give me a hand raping her to death?

 

by bari
1-21-05
Left out of the rape action, "Jesus" Joe Evans settles back into his typical regime...
I won't bother showering or changing out of my bone smelly white tracksuit, I'll just head out to the White Bear...
11.00PM - He makes a half-arsed attempt to chat up Naomi Campbell
I've just been sick all over myself!!
He's SOOO charming!
11.10PM
Oooh! Jesus Joe Evans! Crucify me with your blistered cheesy bellend!!

 

by bari
1-21-05
Arnoldi is individually debriefing the Strike Team after a hard day's work raping kids...
How did today go Indian? Force lots of unwanted ethnic cock up pre-pubescent boys?
Damn right! Can't show my face at Clifton Primary School for a while!
But Fifford seemed a bit the worse for wear, having been drinking on the job...
(slurs) ...YEAH, RAPED THIS BRUNETTE! *BURP* RAAAAPE!!
The truth rears its ugly head when Arnoldi encounters Shelley Newport on the way home...
*sob* I've been raped at knifepoint by Carl Fifford *gulp*

 

by bari
1-22-05
Following Carl Fifford's drunken abberation, Arnoldi exiled him in the alcohol-free state of Iraq. Had Fifford cleaned up his act?
So Fifford, did u stay off the booze? How was the raping?
It was fine radface, I didn't touch a drop.
And I raped this flat-chested youngster, forced my cock down her throat. she puked blood!!
Fifford fucked it.
Fifford you cock, you raped Ken Bigley!

 

by bari
1-22-05
Arnoldi decides to use more high-tech methods to rape underage girls...
BARBIE GIRL: I'm 13 years old from Bristol, I live near Park Street
Brilliant!
It seems to be going well...
BARBIE GIRL: Yeah I'd like to meet up to swap barbie dolls, there's a car park a few minutes from my house, say 9PM?
Haha, Lifeguard Guy strikes again!!
Little did he know that Hodges had had the same idea...
Haha, car parks are the best places for rape!
LIFEGUARD GUY: Sounds good, see you at nine!

 

by bari
1-22-05
Arnoldi returns from a shopping trip to Cribbs...
Got myself a new white tracksuit, quite suits me actually
Good stuff
There's a knock at the door...
Who's that at the door? You expecting anyone?
No, not tonight
Fucking Joe Evans
Hi mate
For fuck's sake.

 

by bari
1-22-05
The new arrival to the Strike Team has caused some concern to the Evil Alliance...
Fuck, the Strike Team have pulled off a masterstroke getting Fifford on board
He's definitely raised the bar...
We mustn't panic. Let's just stick to what we do best
I guess it's my turn to suck

 

by bari
1-23-05
Indian and Arnoldi are chewing the fat...
Laura's been on good comic form recently. Wonder why she's in such a good mood all of the time nowadays?
No idea mate. I'll go to her room and ask her
Laura? You in there?
The door opens, and the penny drops...

 

by bari
1-24-05
It's another slow day in the RAC canteen, Paul and Jo are having a chat...
You know what I've always liked about you Jo? Your shiny dark hair, really suits your colouring.
I didn't always have hair like this you know, I'm naturally blonde!
Really? I wonder what would've happenned If I'd met you back then...
Somewhere, in a parallel universe...
Hi, my name's Jo
What the fuck? Take this blonde monstrosity away from me!

 

by bari
1-24-05
Another day at the RAC...
Come on Jo, please come for a drink with me
No, sorry
Why not?
I'd only go for a drink with you if we were about to burn to death in hell
Fuck

 

by bari
1-24-05
Arnoldi's checking up on Fifford after his recent abberrations...
Right, Fifford, this is a legit rape this time, yeah? Not Shelley Newport or Ken Bigley?
No, this one's legit Redface, I'm on the straight and narrow
Well done Fifford, I always had faith in you
Cheers Redface, see you tomorrow for a hard day's raping
Arnoldi, pleased with the day's work, relaxes in front of the news...
...the victim, a middle aged woman, was identified as Beverly Fifford from Portsmouth...
FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!

 

by bari
1-24-05
After 10 years of working at the RAC, Paul finally gets Jo to go for a drink wiith him...
Come on Jo, what's the worst that can happen?
Oh... go on then, I've nothing better to do
Paul seems pleased as punch!
BRILLIANT, I'll pick you up about 8!
But Jo secretly has the last laugh...
I've got a dick

 

by bari
1-24-05
After Indian's prolific January, Arnoldi presents him with the coveted "rapist of the month" award...
Well done Indian, you've shown yourself to be a true rapist, a valuable member of the Strike Team
Thanks boss
As your prize, we've arranged a date with a CONSENTING woman, we picked one we thought you'd like
CONSENTING!! Well a change is as good as a rest...
Indian's joy is short lived as he meets his date...
Redface you're such a fucking cunt

 

by bari
1-24-05
Arnoldi comes to check up on Fifford again...
Fucking Hell Fifford, look at the state of that bed!! There's shit everywhere?
Er, yeah, just anally raped a 5 year-old on it!
Well done! Keep up the good work!
Sure thing redface!
Fuck, I've got to stop shitting the bed

 

by bari
1-24-05
More dirty business going down in a dark alley in Bristol...
COME ON BIIITCH! TAKE MY NINE IRON! EAT MY COCK LIKE IT'S A SALAD WRAP!
It continues...
PLAY WITH MY BALLS LIKE THEY'RE ROAST POTATOES! LET ME WATER COOL YOUR FACE WITH CUM!
Bleeding slowly to death, the limp battered frame of an underage girl has a few seconds to reflect...
I fucking hate being raped by Hodges

 

by bari
1-24-05
Seems to be business as usual...
YEAH BITCH, TAKE THE HOOOODGES COCK!
Yep, can't see anything untoward going on here...
YOU LOVE IT IN THAT ASS LITTLE GIRL!
But as the light flicked on, became apparent that Hodges had been taking his work home with him...
HODGES WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT?
Sorry Kirsty

 

by bari
1-24-05
Word has got round the RAC canteen...
I hear you're going out for a drink with Jo from motor renewals
Yeah I'm well chuffed
Fair play to you. You do know she has a dick?
That must be why everyone says she likes anal sex!

 

by bari
1-24-05
Arnoldi realises something is amiss at the Strike Team New Year's Party...
Who the fuck invited Carl Busby?

 

by bari
1-25-05
Perhaps Laura shouldn't have come to the fancy dress party as a nigger...
Fucking boon
AAAAH! ZIEG HIEL!

 

by bari
1-25-05
Arnoldi received an emergency call at Strike Team HQ...
Mate it's Indian... There's been an incident involving Fifford. Authorities are calling it an accident but I suspect he's been up to no good...
Shit, I'm on my way!
I got here as quick as I could... What was the nature of the "accident", Officer?
Erm I'm afraid it's quite embarassing Sir... It would seem that Mr Fifford erm, shat himself again.

 

by bari
1-25-05
At Clifton Primary School, Miss Robinson suspected that little Sarah's personal tuition was not paying off: In English...
So, children, can anyone give me a phrase beginning with the letter "F"?
Full rectal prolapse?

 

by bari
1-25-05
A look at one of Little Sarah's one-on-one tuition sessions shed some light on her poor academic performance...
What does "A" stand for?
Is the answer "Apple", Professor Fifford?
No, the correct answer is "Anal Prolapse". I'm afraid I'm going to have to beat you into a paste using an axe, and then use you as lube while i bolt cum into your dad's hungry rectum.

 

by bari
1-26-05
Arnoldi brings a girl home from Wedgies, things are going well in his room...
Hang on, before we fuck... aren't you forgetting something?
Errrr.... what do you mean?
She makes things clear...
I'm talking about a condom!
Arnoldi dishes out a deserved lesson...
Fucking priss

 

by bari
1-26-05
After his unceremonious sacking from Sky Sports, Rodney Marsh applies for a position on the Strike Team...
OK Rodney, you're on trial. I'll give you a day's raping to show what you can do
Rodney is finding the streets of Bristol slim pickings...
Until...
Fucking Thai whore. You gook cunts cost me my job. I'm going to unleash a tidal wave of cum up your unwelcoming chink arse...

 

by bari
2-01-05
Having run out of real people to abuse, HODGES comes in drunk and decides to abuse popular search engine "Ask Jeeves"...
JEEVES!! WHERE CAN I FIND YOUR MUM? JEEVES!! HOOOODGGES!!
HODGES was getting frustrated that Jeeves did not appear to answering? Had HODGES' computer crashed?
ANSWER ME JEEVES YOU CUUUNT!! I'M GOING TO RAPE YOUR MUM!!HOOOODGGES!!
No... The explanation was far more sinister. At Kirsty's house...
Jeeves? What the...

 

by bari
2-01-05
Conscious that he doesn't see much of Kirsty when he's at uni, HODGES arranges a lovely Valentine's surprise...
Hello there, I'd like to send a top chef to prepare dinner for my girlfriend in Bristol tonight. Roast, wraps, the works.
No problem Sir
Kirsty was delighted... but curious...
What a lovely surprise! I love Hodges! But I wonder why he ordered me a french loaf instead of a wrap..?
...a quick look in the kitchen at the identity of the "top chef" would reveal the sordid truth...

 

by bari
2-05-05
Seb is at the end of his teather and gives one last desperate call for help...
Hello is that the Samaritans?
Yes you're through to the Samaritans, my name is HOOOODGES, how can i help you BITE YOUR EYES OUT AAAAH EEERRGH!
AHHHHHHH! HHOOOOOODGES! NUT'S DEEP IN A FRESHER!! AAAHERH!

 

by bari
2-10-05
Paul "charmer" Arnoldi is working his dolcet tones on Jecka in Bar 3...
You're a fucking spaded priss.
Jecka doesn't seem to be responding well to Arnoldi's advances...
*sobs* i hate you... you're so mean... *sobs*
...so Arnoldi, ever eloquent, turns it up a notch...
Put it in your fucking book you fucking no mates gipping CUNT

 

by bari
2-10-05
Fifford had pulled out all the stops on Valentine's day... A nice new tie...
...a bunch of flowers... it was going swimmingly...
However, as he walked his date to her door... Fifford fucked it...
Let me touch your CUNT

 

by bari
2-10-05
Arnoldi was waiting to meet Jo on monday night...
Had he been stood up?
Arnoldi regretted not being more specific when telling Jo what to wear...
What the fuck...?

 

by bari
2-14-05
Diamond and Arnoldi were again jovially chewing the fat on Valentine's day...
Woke up this morning, couldn't open my door!
Lose your key?
Or so it seemed...
No, I didn't lose my key...
What, you had so many cards you couldn't open your door?
Arnoldi fought through the tears to impart the crushing truth...
*sobs* No. I couldn't open my door because Joe Evans was bumming my mum against the door while
Should've known...

 

by bari
2-17-05
Indian's birthday had gone swimmingly, and he was enjoying a 3am nightcap with Natalie...
I had a really good night tonight Nat, thanks for coming out
Me too. Would it be ok if I stayed at yours tonight?
The doorbell sounded...
Can't imagine who that could be, give me a minute
HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY
HELLO MATE!! Can I stay in your bed tonight? There's too many unconscious supermodels in my room, I can't get to sleep....
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

 

by bari
2-28-05
The usual banter...
Came in the other morning, couldn't open my door!
Arnoldi you helmet, get a new joke! It's not even valentine's day any more!
Diamond decides to humour him...
No seriously, couldn't open my door!
*sighs* ...er why was that then? Lose your key?
But there's nothing humourous about the slurried explanation...
No... Smith was blocking the doorway at half mast whilst being felated by Monica!
Bloody hell!

 

by bari
3-01-05
Diamond wakes up on his birthday and decides to feast his welt-like eyes on the world wide web...
Abbie Invites you to start viewing webcam...
What the... bloody brilliant!
Diamond is rigid with excitement...
Connecting to Abbie's webcam
She must know it's my birthday... I'm in for a dirty Den Watts supershow!
However, the large-headed one is in for a shock, as HODGES has beaten and raped abbie and stolen her laptop...
# If yah want ma boooooody and yah think I'm HOOODGESSSS... #

 

by bari
3-07-05
Indian and Redface are discussing the increasingly worrying trends in LAura's behaviour...
Mate, since Laura adopted her new image she's been taking man after man into her room and making one hell of a racket...
Ok, I'll go and have a word with her
Laura, can you keep the noise down? Indian's trying to work!
Hearing nothing, Redface opens the door... and is greeted with the shocking answer to his request...
NOT BY THE HAIR OF MY CHINNY CHIN CHIN!

 

by bari
7-29-06
Paul and Lori are again talking about their hopeless situations...
I can't believe that Rich is treating me like this, it's really fucking with my head. I just wish he'd make up her mind, i care about him so much
I know, Terri's the same... I can't think about anything else and it's driving me crazy
I just wish there was a simple solution to make all these problems go away
Arnoldi has a brainwave... later that night...
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE TAKEN ME TO A GAY BAR AGAIN YOU FUCKING PENIS!!
Shit. Am I a gaylord?

 

by bari
7-29-06
Kirsty phones Potensis early one morning
Sorry Adele, I won't be able to come in today, I'm really sick
I'm sorry to hear that Kirsty , How sick are you??
Oh dear.
I'm FUCKING sick... I've just forced my sister to suck off my day while i fingered myself while thinking abot a cat being raped to death by a skinless baby

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