All comics by burt_reynolds

Profile

 

by burt_reynolds
11-24-03
Snow Dogs... Chill Factor... Radio... Boat Trip...
You ask me who killed your career, Cuba Gooding, Jr., and I reply thusly: why don't you take a good look at the man in the mirror?
Damn, you're right, crime-fighting Evel Knievel. I killed it so good, I should become a professional assassin!

 

by burt_reynolds
11-24-03
Well, if it isn't Kelsey Grammar, master of disguise. You've really outdone yourself this time.
Thank you, crime-fighting Evel Knievel. I've been asked by the President to infiltrate a baby-selling operation in Rhode Island.
I've always admired the way you get so deep into character... like losing control of your young bowels right now... a brilliant detail!
Oh... yes...of course... all part of the act...

 

by burt_reynolds
11-24-03
Baby, I need to use the computer to dig up some facts on this baby-smuggling operation
Wait just a minute, Mr. Grammer. I'm seeing what the cast of Yes, Dear wrote about me on Friendster.
pooooo...
Hee Hee.
Okay, now I need the computer and I fresh pair of diapers.

 

by burt_reynolds
11-24-03
It's Michael Winslow, of Police Academy fame! It's Kelsey! Kelsey Grammer!
Meep Meep
Ding Dong
"Who's the there?"
Bing-Boing!
Chk... Chk... Chk...
Woo-HOO
Takatakatakatakataka
ZAP!
"So long, sucker!"
eh-eh-eh-eh-eh
"Oh no!"
Well, it's been great catching up with you, but I need a fresh diaper.
Wah-wah-Waaaaaahhhh...

 

by burt_reynolds
11-24-03
Please, don't worry yourself, little one; I am here to help. My name is Kelsey Grammer, and besides being a master of disguise, I am also the star of the long-running sitcom Frasier
goo.
I'm here to bust the baby-smuggling operation, so just tell me all you know: How many are there? Where can I get a fresh diaper, because I've been sitting in my own filth for 20 minutes.
foon eeh goopy ga ga.
This is going to be harder than originally anticipated.
Man, Frasier lost it after Niles and Daphne got together.

 

by burt_reynolds
11-24-03
We seem to be at an impasse, my young friend. I don't speak baby fluently, and you don't speak English. Or anything.
sham sham
Well, if nothing else, this proves what Galbreith could only hint at...
doo doo da
...babies are idiots.
I didn't star in Down Periscope.

 

by burt_reynolds
11-24-03
You've done a good job, Grammer, but we have to pull the plug on the operation.
But Sarge, I'm getting so close I can taste it!
Tell the boys upstairs. Seems they've been working on a case for years that is going to be ruined if you get any deeper.
Look on the bright side: you won't have to poop your pants anymore to keep up appearances.
If only I could stop... if only I could...

 

by burt_reynolds
11-24-03
Baby, I think I've crossed the line; I've gone too deep. I can't stop pooping my pants.
Shh. I'm watching a bootleg copy of Under the Tuscan Sun I downloaded off Kazaa.
At least point me in the direction of some wetnaps.
Sigh, Italian men are so easy...

 

by burt_reynolds
11-24-03
Baby, I neeeeed some help. I can't stop dropping the deuce in my diapers!
Shh! I'm right in the middle of watching Beyond Borders on a Chinese bootleg site.
Okay, but... wait, I thought you would help me after you were done Under the Tuscan Sun.
Hush, or I'll put you in a dumpster like those New Jersey high school students do to their babies.
Uh oh. Here comes another one...
Kiss my ass, MPAA.

 

by burt_reynolds
11-24-03
Hello President Bush.
Kelsey Grammer, Master of Disguise, I want to thank you for everything you've done for this country, and... *sniff... you smell that?
That would be me, sir; I can't stop pooping my pants.
Whew! I thought it was me again!

 

by burt_reynolds
11-24-03
This poop situation is nothing to get uptight about, Baby Fraiser. Getting too deep undercover is all part of the job. I pretended to be a cowboy on my daddy's ranch, now look at me!
And after pretending not to be an AWOL reservist when I landed on that aircraft carrier, I slept in my fight suit for three months! Ask Laura!
So that explains all that coke and alcohol in the early '70s. You were undercover.
Yeah... undercover... well, I'm off to piss off some foreign countries.

 

by burt_reynolds
11-24-03
Yes!
Guarini, you old dog, you've done it again. Looks like Subway's up three and a half points.
Time to treat myself to some jalapeno poppers and a frozen mudslide at T.G.I Fridays.

 

by burt_reynolds
11-24-03
Sweet heaven above. Looks like Sony is up one-eighth.
Soon, I'll trade on that for more stock, and more stock, until I am a controlling partnet.
And to think they said I'd never make it in the music business.

 

by burt_reynolds
11-25-03
Quack quack quack, quack-quack quack.
Quack? Quack.
Quack? QUACK!
!!!
But they must've misheard the order, because they sent me a bag full of kittens!

 

by burt_reynolds
11-25-03
Quakity quack quack quack. Quack, quack quack.
Moo?
Quack! Quack, quack, quack.
!!!
So I says, I said "I'm a hard nut to crack," not "buzz my nutsack!"

 

by burt_reynolds
11-25-03
Moo?
Quack quack quackity quack...
!!!
So I says "I expect this from a Catholic priest, but not from my father!"

 

by burt_reynolds
11-25-03
I have something to tell you, honey. I shrunk the baby!
goop
goop
Baby looks the same size to me.
Will you ever let me finish a sentence? Thank you. I was going to say, Honey, I shrunk the baby's capacity for learning by hitting it on the head with a hammer.
goo...p?

 

by burt_reynolds
11-25-03
Word is you shrank your baby's capacity for learning by hitting it with a hammer.
Can't deny the truth, my man.
Nice.
You think you could shrink my wife's capacity for sitting on her ass and eating Taco Bell?
I'll need a straight razor and mexican wrestling mask.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-18-03
Dolly? Jeffy? The Oldest One? Could have everyone's attention? Who drank all my Hooch and filled the bottle with piss?
Not Me!
Well, someone should tell Not Me to visit his doctor, because there was a bit of blood in the urine.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-18-03
That's a good one Jeffy. Excelsior! I'll have to use that in my comic.
"I want to learn the piano and tell everyone I'm a penis!" How's that going to play in Peoria?

 

by burt_reynolds
12-18-03
I had the most horrible dream about the kids dying, Thel!
Oh God, that is a horrible dream, Bil!
Tell me about it...
If that happens, my career's deader that Charles Schultz.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-18-03
Remember Billy, no presents until you say some adorable malapropism.
Hmmm...
I like it! "Who's this Aunt Flo and why did she only give Dolly a present this year?" Menstruation jokes are just what this country needs.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-18-03
So why did you say you got your teacher a Christmas card with a cat on it, Dolly?
Because Billy said he thinks she likes pussy, huh?
Sometimes I don't know whether to kiss these kids or take belt to them...

 

by burt_reynolds
12-18-03
Honey, did you look at what Billy drew in school?
I did, Thel, but I couldn't figure the damn thing out.
It's a rebus, Bil. A representation of words in the form of pictures or symbols, often presented as a puzzle.
I know what a rebus is, woman, I just don't know what "I want your rooster inside me" means
That's cock, Bil... it's a cock.
Thel, I think I know a cock when I see one.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-18-03
Ah, Billy, you've made your father very proud. You've always been fascinated by space, and now look at you!
Thanks dad. I remember when I was a kid and said that the Challenger disaster was God's way of punishing us for trying to touch the stars and you used that in a comic.
Yeah, I got a lot of angry letters about that.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-18-03
Well, Dad, it's time for me to go. I have important work to do in outer space.
Say something cute before you go, Billy. Please. Say that you're going to have "astronaut 'I scream'" in space.
Sorry Dad, I'm a scientist now. I don't mispronounce things, or think God's hand is behind everything.
"Pass-ghetti and meaty-balls?"
Goodbye, father. Time to go study how weightlessness affects ape vaginas.
The world's gain is my comic's loss.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-18-03
Bil Keane, with his children grown up, has to buy a baby on the black market to get ideas for his comic...
So, let's hear it, black market baby, what have you got for me?
goo?
Hmm.
I obviously overpaid for this baby.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-18-03
Well, baby, we seem to be at loggerheads here. Either say something funny, or it's back to the low-income mother you were stolen from.
Uh.... why is it... we drive on a parkway, but park in a driveway?
This is gold!

 

by burt_reynolds
12-18-03
Jim Davis, you old scoundrel! Fancy seeing you at Arby's... Good to see you! How have you been?
Not bad, Bil. I heard your wife is great with child.
Yeah... the thing about that is, it's not mine. That faucet's been clogged for some years now. Do you have any idea who could have done this?
It's Not Me!
You bastard, I never should have trusted you.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-18-03
You've broken a sacred trust, Not Me. Not only did you sleep with me wife, you knocked her up!
Now, I've put up with your guff for years... breaking lamps, eating the last cookie, vomitting in our crawl space... but this is way over the line!
I'll bet you were the one hooked Dolly on pain medication, weren't you?
Ida Know!

 

by burt_reynolds
12-19-03
You wanted to talk to me about the comics I drew for you while you were on "vacation," dad?
Yes, like the one where Mom asks you to get some tulips, and you draw a dotted line from here to Amsterdam, where you visit a hash bar, a brothel, pass out behind Anne Frank's house, then come home...
And?
And the punchline is "I saw tulips, but they were between the legs of a coked-up whore"?
I was talking about her vagina. "Two lips"?
Ah, good show. Carry on then.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-19-03
You had some more questions about my comics I drew while you were on "vacation"?
Yes. The one where you're telling Grandma "Who says you'll see grandpa in Heaven? The afterworld is a construct to keep us in line. Once you're gone, it's like a lightbulb burning out."
But that's the truth.
Oh, I have no problem with your logic, it's just that you drew Grandma a little bit ethnic-looking, and you know how I feel about that.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-19-03
Another word about these "vacation" comics...
Which one is it now?
"If Barfy does it doggy-style, is it Dolly-style when you don't even take off your pants?"
It's not my fault she's a whore.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-19-03
Thel, what's a blog?
It's short for "weblog," honey. It's like an online diary for public consumption. Very self-infatuated, very 2003. Why?
Dolly said that I should take all my comics and stick them in my blog. I thought she was tallking about something else, so I hit her.
Maybe you should apologize to her, Bil.
Maybe I should kick your blog, bitch.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-19-03
Billy, I can't believe you drew a comic during my "vacation" whereupon I hit your sister.
But that really happened, just like the time Jeffy shared his ice cream with Barfy. "Slices of life," right dad?
True, but the caption? "Next time I won't take off my rings, bitch"?
You obviously didn't inherit your father's gift for wordplay...
Instead I got his alcoholism.

 

by burt_reynolds
12-19-03
I hear you have another problem with one of my "vacation" cartoons.
Well, I just wanted to clear something up...
Family Circuz by BILLY!
Let us go to the PUBIC library, kidz!
Hoo-ray for daddy!
Yeah?
Well, I didn't mispeak. Did you or didn't you see a collection of short curlies?

 

by burt_reynolds
12-19-03
Family Circuz by BILLY!
Jeffy, that's not what I meant when I said it was "Hammer Time!"
Family Circuz by BILLY!
Why are you waiting for your parents on the back porch, Billy?
Because my dad says he likes to take my mom in the rear when he comes home!
Family Circuz by BILLY!
Hi, daddy? Did you know the mailman drops off mail three times a day?

 

by burt_reynolds
1-16-04
RING
Coming!
This is Angry Baby. I am probably having my diaper changed or taking a nap. Either way, please be so kind as to leave a message. BEEP
Damn, too late.
Hey, Angry Baby, it's Jonathan Lipnicki from Jerry Maguire. Just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out at the playground, pick up some chicks. Call me back.
Some people can't take a hint, and that makes Angry Baby so angry!

 

by burt_reynolds
1-16-04
Hello, Angry Baby, why haven't you returned my phone calls? Don't you miss me?
Yes, I have missed you, Newport Light Menthol cigarette, but my life is better without you.
Don't say that, after all the good times we've had. Singing karaoke with those whores on New Years, doing coke with Nicky Hilton, three-ways with the Bush twins...
Stop it, talking cigarette man. Those times are over. Now I have to wear a diaper made out of nicotene patches.
How's that working out?
Every time I pee, my dink takes a nice trip to flavor country.

 

by burt_reynolds
1-16-04
Hey kids, I'm really going to have to ask you to not hang out in front of the mini mart. We've gotten some phone calls.
No problem officer. We didn't mean to be a disturbance.
That's it. Just walk away, Harry Potter. Don't give me a reason to unholster my weapon.
Harry Potter?
That was such a close one, I threw up in my mouth. Just a bit.

 

by burt_reynolds
1-16-04
Hey, Tony Hawk, we've gotten some complaints about you kids skateboarding around, scaring the old people. I'm going to have to ask you to cease and desist.
I'm really sorry, sir. We'll stop.
Skate or die? Not on my watch, bucko.
C'mon guys, we should really go home and help out our parents with dinner.
Fucking kids. First they leave skidmarks in the parking lots, then they make me leave skidmarks in my pants.

 

by burt_reynolds
1-16-04
Can I help you, Mr. Mayor?
Call me Hap, Officer DuBois. We've been getting calls from parents about you being a bit gruff with the neighborhood kids.
So you're saying I'm a loose cannon? That I'm out of control? Well, I'll tell you what's out of control: the whole goddamn system!
No, nothing like that officer, just watch the language in front of the teens. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for the Apple Blossom festival.
Something stinks around here, and it obviously starts all the way to the top.

 

by burt_reynolds
8-26-05
Hi there, I'm a dog on a ball! What are you?
I'm a puppet on a string!
In that case, where's your turban?
Snap! You fundamentalists are so clever!

 

by burt_reynolds
8-26-05
Hi there, I'm a dog on a ball! What are you?
I'm a puppet with a hand up my ass!
Much like the students in liberal communities that deny the teachings of the lord to worship at the craven altar of evolution?
Me so stupid and pagan!
I 'll see you in hell, you ivory tower homosexual.
Yeah, you probably will.

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