All comics by duxcolonel

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by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Hey, son, you off round to Steve's house again for another one of your poor quality, but slightly humourous topical geek discussions?
Nah, I'm going to a sort of... well, goth night at the student union.
What, you mean, with chicks in leather and PVC and whips and ripped stockings and stuff?
Er, yeah.
Fuck you.
And no, I'm not taking pictures for you.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
AZIN CHICKS R HOT N WAN SEXXXX!
HI STV WE MAKE U FUNNNNNNNNNY COMIX!
WE SHOULD HAVE LESBAN SEX
WTF? AZN CHICKS NO GET LAID????????
OMFGROFLMFAO!!!! R0XX0RZ
STFU DUMASS
I told you to cut back on the friggin' cannibas, Steve.
...I mean, dude, even my dream's narrations had crpapy spelling!

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
I long for the day my heroic actions wil become public knowledge.
Fuck you.
Well, we at least got the goat to do something.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
I read on the BBC website that a Turkish couple in Germany were legally stopped from calling their baby Osama Bin Laden.
Well, it's a bit bad taste, you got to admit.
Indeed, but if someone wants to name their kid something, is it fair to impinge upon that right because the name is kinda the same as someone else who isn't very nice?
Well, you wouldn't want someone called Hitler or Napoleon, would you?
Over George Francis Ninian Quail?
Touché

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
It seems a bunch of Miss World contestants have pulled out because it's in Nigeria, where a death sentence was just passed for a chick who had a baby out of marriage.
Plus the extermist Moslems in the country call it a "parade of nudity", which will OBVIOUSLY lead to higher levels of AIDS.
Yeah, cause jerking off over chicks at Miss World is guaranteed to spread STDs, isn't it?
Man, do you think they'll consider changing the host of Miss World?...
Welcome to Miss World, 2002, being held in the North Pole!
That's it, ladies, make sure those bikinis are nice and... Miss Australia, take that fur coat off RIGHT NOW!

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Not this time. Siemens were thinking of registering "Zyklon" as a trademark for a bunch of stuff, including gas ovens...
Hey, Geo, what's bothering you enough to sit outside this time round? Surely your immense porn collection can comfort you.
It was originally a gas used by the Nazis to kill Jews, and just last month Umbro tried to name a shoe after it.
Well, ain't it just the German word for Cyclone? I mean, hey, those people should chil out a bit.
"U.S. Governtment told to "Chill Out" about plan to name 14th Robot Garbage Truck 'Bin Lad N'."
Touché

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
There's Tension In The Williamson And Coutts Household!
Hey, Pam, this comic strip is going to really get us sorted and living the high life after it gets going.
Steve, we need to talk. We hardly get any time on our own anymore these days. George, Brian, those damn animals...
Can Stephen Save The Situation And Remedy His Relation Ship With Pamela?
Ach, he's not so bad, really. I mean, can't be just blank him out or something?
It's that bloody narrator, though. How can I spend some... you know, time with you if he's talking all the way through it in his husky, film trailer manner?
Or Will He Just Shrug And Go Back To His Star Trek Porno Games?
That bastard is getting out my house now.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
I'm telling you, Osama Bin Laden sweets exist. I saw them on the BBC website.
What, like, for sale?
Don't be daft. It was just, you know, a random picture of these Afghan sugary treats.
Do you think any other 'Enemies Of The World' ever brought out their own confectionaries?
"Robert Mugabe's Animal Crackers? Share Them With Your Non-White Pals?"
I bet Hitler did a soft drink. I can imagine it'd give you a lot of gas.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Woah, dude, I'm amazed we didn't think of that one sooner. We'll be sorted for weeks now.
Don't let it start a precedent, though. Goat meat makes me sneeze.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
I was watching the news a minute ago and.... er, Steve, have you lose weight?
It took me a bit to find the damn costume for you, but here you are. Best I could do.
Stephen, allow me to assure you I did not ask you to dress up as a pink horse.
It's called a donkey in the script you sent me... but if you didn't, who did?
Yeah, yeah, I'll get a Far Side comic going in this damn website yet!

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Whoever has set us up like this clearly wants our comic strip to collapse under it's own stupidity, like so many other strips on this website.
Yet they didn't ask you to put on a red robot costume, so logically, it can't be anyone from StripCreator.Com
That bastard Brad next door quite likes our strip, he wouldn't mess it up, and Pam doesn't hate it THAT much....
I have a feeling Jizzy might be behind it. He's the only person we've really pissed off during our limited stay on StripCreator.Com
Of course, we need more evidence than that...
Fool, I'm gonna upside your head if you don't pay for this fine piece of.... wait, is this DuxColonel's strip?

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
I know. Let's go have a word with him and sort him out.
I can't believe that Jizzy not only tricked me, but some other poor dude off the street to take part in his crappy Far Side esque sketch!
You can take off the donkey costume first, dude.
You're no fun.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Damnit! George and Steve are on to my plan to nick their crappy-ass comic strip.
I just hope that my convenient hacking history is enough for me to screw up their electronic journey to my house, though.
Fuck you.
I wouldn't worry about it, dude, it kinda suits you.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Right, JZ, fair play to you, you had be confused for a bit, but I've corrected my sprite. Now, let's just let the net comic go, and we'll all go home happy.
Fuck you, Q. Your comics mine, and I'm going to nick Far Side jokes and stick them up for all eternity! There's nothing you can....
Jared, your tea's ready. I can make your friends something as well, though, if they want....
Does she still make those little sausage rolls?
The battle may be yours, Q, but the war isn't over yet.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Well, Steve, it's time for one of life's difficult questions.
I told you already, I'd set the phaser to stun and shoot both Captains, and figure it out later.
No, no. This question is: do we do another of our amusing geek news commentry strips, or do we do something more continuity-oriented and surreal?
Well, I'm fed up with all this plot and stuff, I want something that's just funny and stands alone.
I mean, no-one is following the plot, are they?
You /ate/ the cock I gave you? Have you no shame, sir?

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
..so 90 of our 659 political leaders don't like something?
A survey of 100 Labour backbench MPs by the Today programme revealed that 90% of them had misgivings about going to war with Iraq.
One over seven point three two of our representatives disagree with a policy and this is termed "overwhelming" by my trusty BBC?
I think you're supposed to extrapolate that 90% of all....
What next? "13.657 Of People Hate The Colour Red: Uniuon Jack Recoloured Silver"?
See, this is why I didn't call for help when I was stranded in the Arctic Wastes.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Hey, look at that bloke go pass walking his dog. I wish I had a figure like that.
Woah, dude, don't say things like that out loud. People are gonna think we're eyeing him up.
But I am.
I would normally celebrate, but I know victory isn't this easy.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
"Brian" has been worrying me, yes.
You have to admit, as odd as he was, Brad has been acting oddly recently....
He didn't turn up for our usual game of doubles Magic, so I had to get Pit to play with his Spikes deck with Jennifer...
...we're not talking about Jenny D here, are we?
'Course not. Though she did kick Jenny A's ass with her Mono Red....
I hate you soooo much.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Dude, I cannot believe we are BREAKING into Brad Pitt's Bearsden semi-detached house.
Dude, I think we can justify it with his odd behaviour of late.
Man, it doesn't matter! You can't BREAK into someone's house! I mean, maybe he's just become a homosexual non-gamerer?
I suspect there may be more to it than that.
Hey, why are you guys standing outside my house? Want to come in to watch Eastenders
He's going DOWN.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Right, OK, here's the plan. You distract him while I root aorund the house and look for signs of anythign suspicious.
Me? I don't care if he's been brainwashed by Commie Nazis, I am NOT sitting next to a gay, Eastenders-watching Brad Pitt.
Dude, I think it's only fair, considering what happened the last time I had to do the distractions for one of YOUR plans.
I really think I should check that the choir of seventeen year old reformed nymphomaniacs are OK....
Relax, and show me another of these higly interesting gravestones. I wish to know mroe of the 1880s.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Ok, George, stay calm, there could be highly unpleasant things in this basement, just stay calm...
Oh, thank god you've come to rescue me! I've been locked in here without food or water, I was about to start drinking my own urine!
Let's roll, big man.
And jesus, have a can or something. You don't need to drink your urine anymore.
All /he/ keeps in this house is Mountain Dew. I think I'm safer this way.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
So let's get this straight... you've got an evil twin brother called Max, ostracised at birth, who has returned after years of waiting to get his revenge?
Indeed. Rather than dwell on this poor plot point, though, I think we should rescue Stephen from his evil clutches before something bad happens.
Sure. Er, Stephen, we need to.... Oh, sweet Primus!
What's wrong? Never seen an... Eastenders fan before? BWAH!
Cor blimey, guvn'r, have a noice cup a tea before Phil sorts you awt!

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Suspence!
Quickly, George, get himk, he's the evil twin!
No, he's the evil twin, get HIm, George?
Tough Decisions!
Blimey! There's too o' them! Maybe they're faaaaaamily? Gotta luv your faaaaaamily!
Oh, my god, there's no way I can solve this problem and save Stephen! God of Comic Cliches, it's up to you...
Weird Final Panels!
I've served my time in hell. You two must take care of this one for me.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Ah! Another Penguin! I'm surrounded by icey, non-flying birds in dominatrix gear!
Oh, well, that ought to teach him a lesson. Locked in your basement with goth-dressed penguins.
Ah, oh no, you're using a three foot long whip!
You should use this one here, see, the barbs are far better.... argh!
Teach him a lesson? He's an evil twin, dude, he usually pays for this kinda thing.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
Oh, great, now I need to spend several comic strips rehabilitating my best friend from his Eastenders obsessed phase.
Whaaaaat's going on?
Dear, I know Deep Space Nine is on, but is it OK if you tape it so I can watch Eastenders?
...General Order Two Initiated.
The human mind is a beautful thing.
What the FUCK? I want my space ships, not your crappy ass soaps!

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
I'm glad that you saved our next door neighbour from his evil twin brother Max's clutches, dear.
Thing is, there's no way to be REALLY sure that those Penguins grabbed the right one.
Well, Steve, you did me a great honour in stopping Max, I thought I'd repay you with a nice, dear present.
No way of telling, eh?
Fuck you.

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
....we're still writing addresses on paper and losing them in the wash.
We were promised everything in the future would be great, electronic, digital, the whole works, but in the year 2002.......
And people haven't ended landed on Mars. I mean, really, we've sent a car up there but not a damn person.
What kind of message must that send out to the aliens, eh?
"General Tharg, Prepare The Anti-RC Division, We'll Need Help Tackling Their Forces"?
"Just wait around for a few hours, their tanks will run of battery power and then we'll go for the KILL!"

 

by duxcolonel
9-06-02
George, you know Star Trek showed us a future where women from the 21st century had purple bee-hive haircuts...
... and either wore tight silver bikinis or net-like dresses. Yeah?
If Gene Roddenberry weren't dead, I'd sue his mother fucking fat ass.
Pam did get a lovely green jumper today. Very... wooly.

 

by duxcolonel
9-07-02
Hey, you'll never guess what I read on the...
...George?
Coco bello, that nice looking Steve boy just called. Should I tell him you're spending the next one thousand, one hundred and fourty eight minutes alone?
Tell him that no-one reads our comics, that we suck and that I haven't seen Search For Spock in years.

 

by duxcolonel
9-07-02
Well, we've got a mighty 2 people with our name down on their favourite comics list, and of course a few personal mates read us too.
Still, I dunno if it's worth us carrying this on.
Dude, this is GREAT fun! I don't want to stop.
But if no-one tells us that we're, you know, good, then what's the point? It's a two way street.
You think we want acknowledgement from Americans?
I'd carry on the argument, but my contract for today expired. Ciao.

 

by duxcolonel
9-07-02
To hell's heart, I stab at thee...
...for hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee!
Er, might be a while here, dudes. Still h ave another good eight, nine hundred minutes to go.
KHAAAAAN!

 

by duxcolonel
9-08-02
It, um, really isn't the same, is it?
If George were here, I imagine his response would be crude and witty.

 

by duxcolonel
9-08-02
I happen to know for a fact, that you don't have a brother!
Captain Kirk is correct. I do not have a brother.
Er... can I get back to you guys?
I have a half brother.

 

by duxcolonel
9-09-02
Microsoft have put out an advert to hire people to help them design an X-Box 2 that'll be far harder to crack open and modify.
They just use a PC, though, don't they? How can they change it?
I dunno. They're asking for people familiar with x86s and bus architecture and stuff, so they can't be changing it that much.
Which leaves few alternatives...
In The Not Too Distant Future...
George, I thought the soldering iron was supposed to be safe?
...except when the machine squirts petrol in your face...

 

by duxcolonel
9-09-02
How many people does it take until it becomes wrong, Admiral?
A thousand? Fifty thousand? A MILLION?
Shh. I'm almost done.
Jean-Luc...

 

by duxcolonel
9-09-02
Been a while, man, how you been? I got your text message, you just watched ALL NINE Star Trek films?
And I got two Voyager two-parters as well.
Woah, as if putting up with Final Frontier isn't enough, you had four helpings of Janeway?
...Seasons two and three, no less. Before Seven Of Nine Joined.
You are truly a prince amongst men.
Could you scratch my neck? I've lost the use of my arms.

 

by duxcolonel
9-09-02
And so I told her, like, no WAY was I going near that guy? But she was going a bit funny on me, you know, the way mothers do.
But it didn't matter, because then I got a call from Wernham, she was at Jenny Jin's flatwarming and said there were some....
George, are you sure you want me to keep talking? This girl stuff must be boring you.
If it doesn't give my withered limbs the strength to punch myself in the face, then I don't want to live anymore.

 

by duxcolonel
9-09-02
Lord Archer could be ejected from the House of Lords under new rules being considered.
..COULD be? He's a crook, a liar and just not generally very nice.
He doesn't have the vote right now, but until they pass their new "12 months or more in prison is bad" rule he's still in.
I mean, politicians suck and all, but you would still think they could do something to stop him having political power.
I'm more concerned with him writing more damn novels. Think we can ban him from that?
Writing in prison is probably a bad idea. You know, bending over the table as you scribble, sort of thing.

 

by duxcolonel
9-09-02
Apparently we in Scotland have a "knife culture", which explains why we have such a high rate of stabbings.
I find that a somewhat silly notion, myself. I mean, we may be violent, but blaming it on the form of violent expression implies we wouldn't do it without the knifes.
I disagree. I believe that the carrying of the compact and legal bladed weapon makes such violence more common. Like guns in Yankland.
Hah! Violence doesn't require a weapon. People with unbalanced social attitudes will cause chaos anyway they can.
Right, that's it, I'm gonna choppy choppy you, by the way!
I'm gonna ram this chair so far down your throat, you'll look like upholstry!

 

by duxcolonel
9-09-02
I remember being young and my parents telling how their Lego was just simple bricks, whereas I had fancy wheels, magnets, people, what have you.
'Course, these days there's Star Wars Lego, Harry Potter Lego, Spider Man Lego...
Have we become so outdated, so old that our toys are nothing more than museum pieces?
Is that way you keep buying Transformers? Because they're so much better these days than when we were children?
That and they do female robots now.
Kids today don't know the things we had to do so they could have metal bikini clad warriors.

 

by duxcolonel
9-09-02
You know, dude, today's comics haven't really been that funny at all, have they?
You're still hurting from the Star Trek marathon, dude, perhaps you need some rest...
Damnit! I want to get this strip back into full swing, Steve!
Well, logically, we need to have a long and surreal attempt at continuity to help people remember our "golden age".
No chance of that happening, though....
WHAT IS THY BIDDING MASTER?
Word.

 

by duxcolonel
9-09-02
READY FOR ORDERS MASTER
My orders are simple, Robotically Animated Donkey Suit: Destroy George Francis Ninan Quail, and all who stand in your path!
ORDERS ACCEPTED MASTER I SHALL CARRY THEM OUT IMMEDIATELY.
Now, my vengeance shall be had!
...Tell you what, shall we do a continuity fest tomorrow?
Sure, we've still got time for the last episode of Peter Davison's Doctor Who career.

 

by duxcolonel
9-09-02
You know, Countess, apparently British industry still has far inferior virus protection than it's
Hmm, reckon it could be time for us to do our old "script kiddie" fun, eh? For old times sake.
Don't be silly, Jenny. I'm a board member of the Glasgow University's Queen Margaret Union and a member of Dumbartonshire's Jury Pool. I...
couldn't possibly act in such a blatantly illegal fashion. Of course not. You're made of sterner stuff.
Don't take it personally, but it gets her to do that thing with her eyelashes.
I say, old chap, my entire inventory of top hats, bowler hats and other head accessories has been replaced with an MP3 by some chap called "Shaggy"

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