All comics by gabe_billings

 

by gabe_billings
1-30-01
Shit. It's like a two hour wait. I knew this club would be packed. And I forgot to bring the Mentos.
Don't worry. I've got a plan.
Name?
Bender.

 

by gabe_billings
2-01-01
Ok, here's how it's gonna go down. I'll pretend to buy some smokes and when the clerk ain't lookin, I'm gonna whip out my nine.
That's when you pull out the sawed-off and keep the rest of the people in the store covered. Anybody moves and you smoke 'em. That's when I'll make my move.
Couldn't we just pay for the Tootsie-Pops instead?
Christ. You are such a fuckin' pussy.

 

by gabe_billings
2-01-01
The first rule of fight club is 'You do not talk about fight club'.
Our second weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear. Fear and surprise. Ruthless efficiency. And an almost fanatical devotion to the pope.
What the fuck are you talking about?
I thought this was a Monthy Python Lover's Club.

 

by gabe_billings
2-01-01
The first rule of fight club is that you do not talk about fight club.
You just did.
That doesn't count.
Why not?
Look, just shut up.
This club sounds pretty gay.

 

by gabe_billings
2-01-01
Pete learned a lesson.
Don't beergoggle at the zoo.
I fucked a penguin.

 

by gabe_billings
2-01-01
What's this line for?
We're waiting for a chance to kick the shit out of that 'Three Reasons' dog.
I get the head.

 

by gabe_billings
2-02-01
That's the last fucking time I read a Stephen King book online.
What happened?
The chapters were $1 a piece.
That doesn't sound so bad.
The last one was $49.95.

 

by gabe_billings
2-02-01
I'm Lije Baley.
R. Daneel Olivaw.
Aren't you supposed to have skin?

 

by gabe_billings
2-04-01
Well Professor Johnson... have you deceiphered the last of the heiroglyphics?
Yes Brad. I had a bit of rough going from the papyrus stem on down through the cobra, but I think I've finally got it.
So what bit of wisdom have the ancients left for us?
'All your base are belong to us.'
Ah, a riddle. Such knowledge is fit only for those able to decipher it.
I'd say that this is more likely a product of too much anthrax dust and poor ventilation.

 

by gabe_billings
2-04-01
So what is the deal with 'All your base are belong to us'? Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? I mean hey, I don't even have a base. How could it belong to anyone?
You suck!
Hey wiseass, any time you're ready I'll go back to the menstrual jokes.

 

by gabe_billings
2-05-01
Dear Forum. I've often read your articles with disbelief, assuming they were all made up. Until last week when I had the most amazing experience. I'd taken my nephew to the petting zoo which is wher
You're writing to the Lowpass Forum, dumbass. Not Penthouse.
Damn.
There you are sugarcakes.

 

by gabe_billings
2-05-01
Knock, knock?
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrup...
Moo.
It's good to know that none of your memory was wasted on anything frivolous.

 

by gabe_billings
2-05-01
Knock, knock.
Fuck you.
Who's there?

 

by gabe_billings
2-05-01
Dear Mr. Smith: We regret to inform you that in the interests of bettering all of humanity we were forced to bulldoze your house to make room for a very important addition to the neighborhood.
Rest assured that once construction of Starbucks #4351 is complete, a plaque in your honor will be hung in the gentlemen's restroom above urinal 2.
Enclosed please find a coupon for a free grande latte. Sincerey, Starbucks Corporation
Oh bother.

 

by gabe_billings
2-06-01
I swear I wasn't cheatin'! I got no idear how them thangs got up my sleeve an' under my hat.
All your ace are belong to us.
Please, I beg you. I'll scrape some money together, just don't take my Ming Dynasty collection.
All your vase are belong to us.
So that's it, huh? You're seizing our solar system until we tell you the Colonel's secret recipe?
All your space are belong to us.

 

by gabe_billings
2-06-01
Hey there. Haven't seen you around before. What's your name?
Some people call the space cowboy.
Some call me the gangster of love.
Some people know when to stop pushing on the Q-tip.

 

by gabe_billings
2-06-01
Did you and your stupid frat buddies raid my panty drawer last night?
All your lace are belong to us.
I'm frightened. I'm in a bad neighborhood and I lost my pepper spray.
All your mace are belong to us.
Please, I need those to walk with. My legs aren't strong enough on their own.
All your brace are belong to us.

 

by gabe_billings
2-06-01
Who the hell are they?
That's Ace of Base. Bought 'em at a garage sale for $2.50. Now they are belong to us. I mean me.
All I want is another baby.

 

by gabe_billings
2-06-01
I think it's about time we head down to Earth and make contact with the humans once and for all. They could benefit greatly from our knowledge and advanced technology.
I've got a better idea.
Oh? What's that?
We mutilate some more cattle, then go buzz around the woods in the Pacific northwest.
Frank, what would I do without you?
And maybe we could yank Hitler's head outta the fridge and stick it on somebody.

 

by gabe_billings
2-09-01
What are you doing?
There's a lonely little ghost out here I try to visit every Halloween.
Who wants a Mr. Goodbar?
Me me me me me me me!
That's very kind of you, Phillip. I didn't think you were the charitable type.
Well, I figure it's only right. It was kinda my fault he fell into that wood chipper.

 

by gabe_billings
2-10-01
Did it finally come?
Sure did. You're looking at the proud owner of a new Killbot 4000XL with the optional Kung-Fu grip and rear defroster. We oughta head down to the warehouse district and sick him on some yuppies.
Then we'll see who isn't dressed well enough to get into the Velvet Dog.
'Scuze me, sir. I finished rearranging the sock drawer and was trying to set up for tea but we're out of doilies!
Hope you kept the receipt.
Shut up.

 

by gabe_billings
2-10-01
Zoiks! Like the zombie took off! But his footprints lead down into that abandoned mineshaft. What are we gonna do Fred?
Let's split up. Shaggy, you and Scooby go check out the mine. Daphne, Velma and I are gonna go back to the van and look for clues.
Oh Freddy, you magnificent bastard.

 

by gabe_billings
2-10-01
If you'd like to visit our show to tell a lover that you're coming out of the closet, give us a call at 1-800-SPRINGER.
How'd you like to go to Chicago for vacation?

 

by gabe_billings
2-11-01
Hmm... Twinkie?
Nope. One more.
Pssst.... try Rumpleminzstiltskin.
How 'bout Rumpleminzstiltskin?
Fuck.

 

by gabe_billings
2-11-01
One day whilst eating an orange...
What rhymes with orange?
Nothing.
That's it for limericks, then. Fancy a snog?
I'll get the whipped cream.

 

by gabe_billings
2-11-01
Just saw 'Hannibal', eh?
Yup.
Pretty freaky, huh?
Yeah.
Wanna come over to my place for tacos?
Uh... no thanks.

 

by gabe_billings
2-11-01
This is what happens when you spill paint in the garage at my house. Looks about the size of a cigar. Do I stutter?
You drew that on with a magic marker.
I pushed really hard.
Dork.

 

by gabe_billings
2-11-01
You can't put too much water in the reactor.
Umm....
Christ. Not that stupid water in the reactor bit again?
Yeah.
Fuck it. Let's go get pissed.

 

by gabe_billings
2-11-01
I got a little change in my pocket goin' jingle-ingle-ing......
Excuse me, do you have a dime I could borrow?
No.

 

by gabe_billings
2-11-01
Damn, bubble gum sales are down 37% since last quarter. We've got to hype up our marketing.
How about making up some stupid rumor like we did with the spider eggs a few years back. Kids eat that shit up.
Hmmm... not a bad idea.
"BubbleOid. It'll make your toes fall off and give you the clap."
Perfect!

 

by gabe_billings
2-11-01
The sad truth is that we're not gonna make it back alive unless one of us gets eaten.
Man, that's harsh. But I suppose you're right.
The donkey.
The donkey.
Three hour tour, my ass.

 

by gabe_billings
2-11-01
Baby, baby, baby... What say you and me head back to my place for an extended session of hot monkey love?
I'd sooner fuck a goat.
It's all good.

 

by gabe_billings
2-11-01
My twin brothers, Frankie and Leo, they got this gig up in Asgard pullin' this dude's chariot around and getting eaten.
My cousins Jimmy, Johnny and Wendell work security detail down at the bridge knocking off trolls and shit.
What do you do?
I'm a layout editor for the Victoria's Secret catalog.

 

by gabe_billings
2-12-01
Just explain to me what happened.
Well, he come walking down this aisle here.
Then what?
He stopped right about where you are. That's when he said "Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me."
And then?
Hmmm... I guess that's when that 2500 pound palette of dictionaries fell and crushed him to death.

 

by gabe_billings
2-13-01
I can't believe you're dumping me for him.
He's got a steady career. Unlike some indie rock posers who shall remain nameless.
I wouldn't call a couple of breakfast cereal ads steady work.
You're just jealous.
Hey sweetie.
Let's go babe... I got the Viper parked in a loading zone.

 

by gabe_billings
2-13-01
Most people think I sit around all day, playing video games with Tycho and letting my brain turn into cabbage.
But I have seen the future, my friends, and I got two words for you...
Cyber dildonics.
Ah, there you are sir. Time for your two o'clock rim job.

 

by gabe_billings
2-14-01
I pity da po' fool who steal my WD-40.
Damn it, Clango. Did you install that Mr. T chip again?
Whachu talkin' bout, sucka? Missa T ain't got time fo the jibba jabba.
I'm leaving. And don't even think about coming back to my place until you're done being stupid.
She come back to her senses when she take a look at my gold chain collection. All you kids, drink your milk and stay in school!

 

by gabe_billings
2-14-01
Man, I got a mess of Valentines. How about you?
Just one. From Diablo.
What'd he get ya?
A relatively fresh human heart in a paper sack.
Huh. What'd he have to say about that?
He said I was lucky. It could have been mine.

 

by gabe_billings
2-15-01
This is Kent Brockman and I'm reporting to you live from the 100 Acre Wood, the scene of last night's tragedy. With me is Eeyore.
You were an eyewitness to the entire scene, Eeyore. Can you tell us what happened?
Well, Pooh was off on some hairbrained scheme to fly to China on a kite when he trampled some of Rabbit's new rose bushes. Rabbit finally snapped and beat Pooh to death with a honey pot.
Horrible....
Then he really freaked out. Last I saw he was ready to torch the whole neighborhood. I think that's when the SWAT team took him down.

 

by gabe_billings
2-15-01
To the extreme I rock a mike like a vandal, light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle!
Hey, Vanilla.
'Sup, Dawg?!?
Me and the other chassis welding bots were wondering when you were gonna get your ass back to the assembly line.
Oh, yeah. That.

 

by gabe_billings
2-15-01
So what's the news?
It's the Pet Shop Boys. They want their look back.
Is it as bad as we thought?
Well, the good news is that you don't have scurvy. Apparently we weren't so lucky with chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes and smallpox.
What do my parents say?
Apparently they were all killed in a tragic accident when their home was knocked down to make room for a Home Depot.

 

by gabe_billings
2-15-01
The Lowpass Comic Creator poll is back in. We now know what you, the reader wants to see.
Apparently my reading of the Illiad in it's native Greek wasn't as widely accepted as I thought.
You'd rather see me sodomized by a donkey while Jesus looks on shouting advertising buzzwords.

 

by gabe_billings
2-15-01
Sure is a beautiful night, ain't it?
Yup.
Them stars sure are shiney, ain't they?
Yup.
Y'wanna head back to camp and check out some porn sites on the laptop?
Yup.

 

by gabe_billings
2-16-01
When I was a little girl my Grandpa would tell me stories about his life.
I ever tell you about the time in the war when me and ol' Chicken Legs Johnson wiped out a whole platoon of Jerries with naught but a tractor tire and a can of kerosene?
He could talk for hours about life in the good old days.
I remember the day I took your Grandma on our first date. We went to Smith's Ice Cream Parlor and shared a hot fudge sundae. Boy, Cassie was a sight back then.
But his stories were always the best on the days he forgot to take his pills.
That bitch Helen gone and shut herself up in the damn city and me and the boys couldn't get in. It was up to me to work it out, and that's when I knew we'd need the wooden bager.

 

by gabe_billings
2-16-01
Dear, I have something important to tell you. Something I'm not proud of.
What?
I cheated on you with the vacuum cleaner.
Well I've got news for you...
You know our son, Josh?

 

by gabe_billings
2-16-01
Well Doc... What's the word?
The gerbil's pretty far in there, but we should be able to pull it out without too much trouble.
Will it hurt?
We've got things to deaden the pain.
Good. I was worried there for a second.
How did he get into your VCR in the first place?

 

by gabe_billings
2-16-01
Hello there, little girl! How'd you like me to make a balloon animal for you?
What'll it be? A doggie? Or maybe a duck? How 'bout a butterfly?
Could you do a giant dick?

 

by gabe_billings
2-16-01
So those 2600 WIC modules can also be used in the 1600, 1700 and 3600 routers. That way you can stock fewer WICs if you have those routers in your enterprise.
Hey th....
Don't even think about it, geek.

 

by gabe_billings
2-16-01
A little while back the Peanuts gang was throwing this huge going away party. It was only like the biggest party ever. We all got invited.
Except for Jon. Maybe the invitation just got lost in the mail. Who knows?
Anyhow, we're all in our tuxes getting ready to go down to the limo and John's just sitting at the kitchen table in his boxer shorts eating cereal.
'Don't worry about me, guys,' he says. 'I'll probably just catch some Brady Bunch reruns and go to bed.'
Which apparently meant, 'I'll show up at the party stinking drunk at two in the morning and try to stab Snoopy with an icepick.'
It was kinda funny watching Lucy hold Jon down while Charlie Brown kicked him in the head. Hehe. She didn't pull it back that time.

 

by gabe_billings
2-16-01
So this is Gabe's 100th comic, huh? We should do something nice to pay homage to him.
How about a simple moment of silence to show our appreciation?
Did you just fart?
Sorry.

Showing page 2.

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