All comics by israphael

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by israphael
9-29-01
Maura, I think you're just being paranoid.
Do you, Eugene? Do you really? I think I'm just being realistic. I can already hear the types of things people would say.
Eugene and Maura bumping uglies... slipping her the sausage... taking the skinboat to Tunatown... laying some cable... putting Tabasco in the taco... keeping the monkey warm... swinging the big bat...
making the beast with two backs... taking the log to the beaver... sending old Willie home... playing hide the canolli... putting the tool in the shed... doing the old in and out... drilling for oil..
Have you ever noticed Indy Pete's annoying habit of showing up at awkward moments?
entering the holy of holies... dancing the horizontal Mambo... feeding the bearded clam... taking the starship to warp drive... playing pop goes the weasel... Maura's riding the baloney pony.

 

by israphael
10-01-01
What the hell were you thinking, allowing Tobor to be your roommate! You can't turn your back on that ass-fucking maniac.
I needed the money. And He's not as bad as you think. Sure he's loud, obnoxious, and physically abusive, but he pays his rent on time.
TOBOR SORRY. TOBOR ATE LAST OF ICE CREAM LAST NIGHT. TOBOR GO TO GROCERY STORE NOW AND GET YOU MORE ICE CREAM.
And except for the ass-raping thing, Tobor can be quite thoughtful at times.

 

by israphael
10-01-01
Today class we are going to synthesize gamma hydroxybutyrate. The critical reaction is the esterification of the halogenated site on the main aromatic ring. At this step it is important to...
TOBOR BORED. TOBOR KNOW HOW TO DO EXPERIMENT. TOBOR READ LAB MANUAL. TOBOR WILL BEGIN NOW.
Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis
Tobor! Tobor! Snap out of it! There are reasons why we tell you not to sample the chemicals.

 

by israphael
10-02-01
And I would have gotten away with my nefarious scheme, if it wasn't for those meddling kids and their dog!
Man, I can't wait to be in the back of the Mystery Machine with Daphne.
Jinxies, I can't wait to be alone with Daphne in the back the van.
Groovy, I can't wait to be in the back of the van with Scoobie.
Hey Scoob, what do you say if you and I go out and find an all-night pizza parlor?
What do say if I ditch you freaks, steal the Mystery Machine, and find me a bitch?

 

by israphael
10-03-01
SUPEREGO
Now is no time to slack off. This dissertation is not going to write itself. Your mother was right, you're not going to amount to anything.
EGO
I've put in two hours of hard work and managed to get a lot done. I think I can treat myself to thirty minutes of surfing the internet.
ID
Boobs!

 

by israphael
10-04-01
All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small..
all things wise and wonderful...
Maura's laid them all...

 

by israphael
10-04-01
1 Screwed-up Bastard--------------------------
Sorry About That.
----------------Mustn't Run Away-----------------
Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis
Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis
--------------------------1 Screwed-up Bastard
Sorry About That.

 

by israphael
10-04-01
Of Questionable Value ------------------------
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A PRETTIER DAY IN ALL YOUR LIFE! HOW ABOUT BLOWING OFF WORK AND DOING A 50 MILE BIKE RIDE?
------------- The Varied States of ---------------------------- Manic-Depression ---------------
Oh No
Not Again
------------------------ Of Questionable Value
I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT! JUST GO AWAY! I HATE YOU! I HATE ALL OF YOU!

 

by israphael
10-06-01
Captain's Log: Against the recommendations of my first officer, I've beamed down to make first contact with the incredibly violent Sadoquins of Masoch V.
I see one approaching now. I will attempt to use the Linguistic Cerebro-Freebaser to translate the first historic words of this meeting.
Hello Joe. Fuckee. Suckee. 5 dalla. Show you good time.
Starflier to USS Tobor. Maura you've got the con until I get back. I'll be engaged in intense negotiations until late into the night. Don't wait up.

 

by israphael
10-10-01
Morning sleepyhead. You certainly slept in late. Had a big night did we?
Nah, I just didn't feel well.
I know what'll help! Sit down and I'll fix you a big plate of eggs and bacon. And you can try one of my special banana and carrot breakfast muffins.
Suddenly I don't feel so good. Excuse me, I think I'm going to be sick.
Oh come on! My cookings not that bad!
RRRRAAAALLLLFFFF

 

by israphael
10-10-01
Doc, I haven't been feeling well lately. Every morning when I get up, I puke my guts out. Oh... and I... missed my period.
Hello! I think I'm pregnant!
Well! Duh! I'm just trying to figure out why you felt the need to make an appointment with me.

 

by israphael
10-11-01
Eugene, are you free tonight? How about meeting at the usual place around 8 o'clock? We really need to talk. Bye.
Aw crap! When a woman says "we need to talk", it usually means bad news.
On the plus side, she didn't mention anything about appearing on Jerry Springer.

 

by israphael
10-11-01
Hello Eugene, you're looking well tonight.
Thank you, Maura. I must say you look quite fetching in the moonlight tonight.
Well, I guess we should get down to the reason I call you here.
Not so fast, I was hoping for more of this witty banter.

 

by israphael
10-11-01
Let me see... How shall I put this? You like children?
What do you mean like? Like... to eat?

 

by israphael
10-12-01
OK, I'm just going to say it! I'm pregnant!
Eugene, honey! Are you alright?
I'm fine. But I think I'll lay here in the grass for a while.

 

by israphael
10-17-01
Are you sure you're pregnant?
Yes, I'm Sure! Not only did I go to the doctor, but I tried all the home pregnancy tests the drugstore had. I've gotten very good at peeing in little plastic cups.
Umm... Who's-
Who do you think!

 

by israphael
10-18-01
RRRAAAAARRRR! TOBOR WILL KILL YOU NOW!
What! Wait a minute! When did everything change? Don't you usually just cornhole someone? I don't want to be killed!
TOBOR NOT HARD HEARTED. TOBOR WILL CORNHOLE YOU INSTEAD, IF YOU INSIST.
Yes, Please.
WORKS EVERY TIME

 

by israphael
10-18-01
Sugar, I got it bad. I don't know if you're using 'That Old Black Magic', but 'I Only Have Eyes For You'. 'I'm A Fool To Want You', but 'You Made Me Love You'.
Yeah, that's not suprising. 'I Know What Boys Like'. But I'm here to tell you it's the 'End Of The Road'. This relationship is not meant to be. We're two 'Different People'.
Babe, 'Don't Be That Way'. 'Do You Really Want To Hurt Me'? 'If You Leave Me Now' it's going to feel like I'm 'Walking On Broken Glass'. I don't want to be "All By Myself'.
Stop 'Before The Next Teardrop Falls'. Be a man, 'Everybody Hurts'. 'Give Me One Reason' why I shouldn't walk away right now. C'mon 'Justify My Love'.
Honey, 'I Want You'. 'You're My First, The Last, My Everything'. I'll give you 'All My Lovin'' and I'll 'Prove It All Night'. Just say you'll 'Be My Baby'.
Fine! Fine! We'll give it a try. I know it's a 'Brilliant Mistake'. But don't say I didn't warn you. By the way, did you ever see that movie 'The Crying Game'?

 

by israphael
10-19-01
It's funny, a lot of women to come into my bedroom, but rarely do I get any to sleep with me.
Not after they find out I have a really large penis.
I keep it mounted in a frame hanging over my bed.

 

by israphael
10-21-01
Wirth, my man, isn't army life the greatest? I mean, they give you three squares and a cot. What more could you want?
Yeah, army life could be OK, if it weren't for all that extra KP and sentry duty you keep getting me assigned to.
Well, I'm here to tell you that's all in the past. I won't be causing you any more trouble from now on.
OK... What's the catch?
It's just that I'll be unable to pull any tricks on you when you're in Afghanistan on that suicide mission you volunteered for.
What? I didn't volunteer for a- Oh...

 

by israphael
10-24-01
Dude! Stop it! You're creeping me out!

 

by israphael
10-24-01
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, BITCH! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! *Click*
Crap, not again!
Police, how can we help you?
I'm getting threatening phone calls from this nutjob named Maura and I want them to stop.
I'm tracing the call right now... Oh my God! Get out of there now! The call is coming from inside your house!

 

by israphael
10-24-01
*FLUSH*
Morning, Deuce.
'Lo, Maura.
DAMN IT, MAURA! What the hell have you been eating? Next time give me some warning... or at least light a match!

 

by israphael
10-26-01
Oh shit! There's that ass raping robot again. Gotta run!
NO WAIT! TOBOR CHANGE. TOBOR NOW SEE CORNHOLING IS SYMPTOM OF THE DISPARITY BETWEEN THE LABOR PRODUCED BY THE WORKER AND THE BENEFITS THEY RECIEVE.
IT IS NOT UNTIL WE OVERTHROW THOSE WHO OWN THE MEANS TO PRODUCTION AND RETURN THE POWER TO THE WORKERS, THAT THE CORNHOLING WILL STOP. VIVA LA REVOLUCION!
I'm with you brother! Let's go stick it to the man!
I'LL STICK TO YOU AFTER THE REVOLUTION.

 

by israphael
10-26-01
OK, so you're pregnant. What are you going to do about it?
What I'm I going to do about it? When did this become ALL my problem? I didn't get pregnant all by myself. I think I had a little help.
I didn't mean it to sound like that. What I mean -
This is not a "you" or "me" discussion. This is a "we" discussion!
Is there a "we"? How can you consider us as a couple when you don't even want to be seen in public with me?
You better watch it! You're this close to taking another nap in the grass!

 

by israphael
10-26-01
I was already to become a "Gynecologist" until Maura showed me her snatch and changed my mind. I know I still want a career in medicine, but I don't know in what field.
Roger come with me and I'll show you what a "Proctologist" does
OH MY GOD!
Wow, not only did I decide on a new career, but I also made a major change in lifestyle.
Come back in the room with me and I'll show you "Urology" too.

 

by israphael
10-27-01
DANG! I'm so thirsty I could lick the sweat off a bull's balls!
Moh!

 

by israphael
10-28-01
So let me see if I got this right. While I am sitting at home broken hearted and hoping you'll return to me some day, you will be going out with other men.
And I will be reduced to jealously obsessing on how these men are holding you... touching you... and making love to you.
Yeah, pretty much.
One question.... Can I watch?

 

by israphael
10-28-01
What's freakin' wrong with this door?
I've pushed and pushed on this door for hours and it still won't open!
You idiot, that door says "PULL"!
*BANG!!!*
Works Every Time!

 

by israphael
11-02-01
I'm here to complain about ObiJo's rules for CC76! Doesn't he realize that by eliminating all the characters with color, it eliminates all the women.
I mean, without women how are the rest of us going to get our basic needs fulfilled? Who is going to cook us dinner, wash our clothes, and give us blow jobs?
Hey, why are all of you looking at me that way?

 

by israphael
11-05-01
At last, my plans for world domination are nearly complete! When those puny humans see my newly constructed robot, they'll know the true meaning of terror!
Awake, my precious! And spread your special form of evil all over the face of the earth.
I love you / You love me / We’re a happy family / With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you / Won’t you say you love me too?
BWA HA HA HA HA!

 

by israphael
11-05-01
Billy Bob! I sawed him run that-a-way!
Oh great! It looks like this is it! I going to die at the hands of two hillbillies with an ass fetish!
Here he is... No wait... Sorry lady, we was chasin' one of them shape changers. When we catch him it's ass drillin' time! YEEHAW!
That was a stroke of luck! I'm human again. Hey maybe my luck is changing.
Meanwhile, back in the original time stream...
Dr. Scheisskopf, you wanted to see me?
Yes, it's about that shape changing prisoner of your's. His molecular cohesion is breaking down. If he isn't treated in the next 48 hours, he is going to cease to exist.

 

by israphael
11-05-01
Look, I can't talk to you when you get this way. I'll talk to you when you're more rational.
Oh, now I'm being irrational! I don't think that's the problem. The problem, as I see it, is that you are being selfish!
Well maybe I don't want to have a baby with a woman who is ashamed to be seen with me!
Fine, maybe I don't want to be seen with such a selfish, insensitive, pigheaded..... ASS!
Oooo... Good come-back.

 

by israphael
11-05-01
So, I guess this is it. We're breaking up.
Yeah, I guess so. There's really not much left to say.
Not unless one of us has a punchline.

 

by israphael
11-07-01
Damn, these competitions are getting harder. Like this latest one, where you can only use robots and imaginary creatures but you can't use sex in any way.
I doubt that Israphael can write a strip without resorting to using an ass-raping robot or Gabe and a donkey.
No, you can still use Gabe. He is a totally fictional character created by someone with a sick, disordered mind.
Probably Wirthling.
Yeah... He sucks, you know.
Word.

 

by israphael
11-07-01
Israphael is out of town today. So Little Billy will be drawing his strip in his absence.
I am asian girl number 1.
I am asian girl number 2.
I saw my doggy make poopy.
EEEEEWWWW! That's Gross!
Actually, this is much better than Israphael's comics. I think we may keep Little Billy.
HA HA HA HA HA
HA HA HA HA HA

 

by israphael
11-07-01
Crap, look at the time! I better get ready or I'll be late for my new job.
I didn't know you had a new job, Hon. What do you do?
I'm the new youth deacon at St. Alban's.

 

by israphael
11-08-01
A man unsure that he is ready for the responsibilities of fatherhood...
A woman who is uncertain about her feeling of love...
A relationship at the crossroads and... OH JUST SHUT UP!!!
Eugene and Maura shopping at Piggly Wiggly, rolling doubles in backgammon, driving on the left side of the road...

 

by israphael
11-08-01
The Eternal Question...
Do these pants make my ass look big?
The Proper Response...

 

by israphael
11-08-01
Me and my roommate here are leaving town soon, so we're having one big-ass garage sale. EVERYTHING must go.
BUT that's not "all". Look at this nice dinette set complete with 4 chairs and a china cabinet. Buy it today and it can be in "your" home tonight.
That's just THE tip of the iceberg. How about this beatiful reading lamp with a tiffany shade and polished brass "base".
We "are" crazy to sell at these prices. Check out this side by side refrigerator/freezer, doesn't it look like it should "belong" in your KITCHEN.
We're even selling the fixtures. How about this marble bathroom SINK in a lovely clamshell design. It could be yours. Just come on down and hand over cash "to us"
What are you guys doing with all my stuff?

 

by israphael
11-08-01
Maybe I should call her and apologize. After all, I could have handled the news more sensitively.
No wait... why should I apologize? After all she said some pretty cruel things to me. I just don't know... Perhaps I should ask Jon for some advice.
Oh great, I'm reduced to asking for advice on my love life from someone who hasn't gotten laid in three years.

 

by israphael
11-12-01
Damn Lara, what the hell is that smell? Did that come out of one of your cats?
Oh that, it's from one of the paper mills in town.
Yeah right.
No seriously. Monroe, Louisana is known for its paper mills. You can smell the town long before you see it. They even joke that the odor is the smell of money.
And I suppose that was a wad of twenties that I just stepped in.

 

by israphael
11-12-01
Gang I think we have a problem. Too many newbies have been winning the comic competitions recently. First came israphael, then lemur68, and now lara7.
That lara7 is a strange one. You know she once glued floppy discs on one of her kittens and entered it in a ArtCat Show.
I put in all the known information about lara7 into the Gender Test at TheSpark.com. We only know that there is a 86% chance that she is female.
Yeah, other parts of her biography sound hinkey too. She says she's from Ohio, but I swear that earlier that she said she was from Iowa.
I thought she was from Idaho.
Ohio... Iowa... Idaho... Same damn state, different pronunciation.

 

by israphael
11-14-01
Sweety, what would you think about a menage-a-trois?
Yeah, that sounds cool!
*Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak*
Think Before You Answer
*Squeak* *Squeak* *Squeak*
Honey... I was sort of hoping that I'd be one of the three people.

 

by israphael
11-14-01
I was thoughtless not to include you in the menage-a-trois. To make it up to you I set up another one. and this time you'll be the center of attention. So go in the bedroom and get ready.
All your's boys!
TOBOR CALL FIRSTIES!
Damn, why do I always get your sloppy seconds?

 

by israphael
11-14-01
I was thoughtless not to include you in the menage-a-trois. To make it up to you I set up another one. This time you'll be the center of attention. So go in the bedroom and get comfortable.
All your's boys!
Consider The Reprecussions Of Your Actions
TOBOR CALL FIRSTIES!
Damn, why do I always get your sloppy seconds?

 

by israphael
11-15-01
Oh, grandma, what big eyes you have!
The better to see you with my dear.
Oh, grandma, what huge hooters you have.
The better to make money at the local strip club.
Oh, grandma, what a big lawyer you have.
THE BETTER TO REMOVE YOU FROM OLD LADY'S WILL AND SUE YOUR ASS OFF. SO CONTINUE KISSING UP TO GRANDMA.

 

by israphael
11-17-01
So what do you think about my new beer?
It's quite good. What is it?
I decided to brew a porter to capitalize on the Harry Porter craze. Porter... Potter... Get it?
Yeah, right. It's... *Cough* *Cough* What the hell is this? A furball?
My cat contributed the hairy part.

 

by israphael
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
And all this time I thought it was stuck flashing 12:00.

 

by israphael
11-19-01
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
I should have all my shit packed and outta here before she returns home from work.

Showing page 2.

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