All comics by mattaotamato

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by mattaotamato
10-17-06
So, the other day I got pulled over by this douche bag of a cop and--
That's a ticket for calling me a douche bag.
Is this not a democracy? I cannot go outside without being ambushed by the police for "loitering" or "manslaughter" or "statutory rape"!
That's a 437,358 dollar fine for saying statutory in my presence.

 

by mattaotamato
10-17-06
HURRY UP!! My friend is fucking DYING!
First, sir, you need to find a way to pay the bill.
FUCK the bill! SAVE my friend!!!!!!
Sir, I'm afraid if you cannot come up with 653,684,378 dollars within now and your friend's death, we will throw your friend's lifeless body in the scrap yard.

 

by mattaotamato
10-17-06
So, I've checked your x rays, and Mr. Dopson, I'm afraid to inform you, you have hfngnghnnfer, a incurable brain cancer and you will die in approximately three days.
OH MY GOD!!!! Are you serious?
No, you just have gas. I just wanted a good luagh.
Fuck you.

 

by mattaotamato
10-17-06
You're daughter should be just fine. It's just the measles shot. I'll be right back.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHH!
There, all done!

 

by mattaotamato
10-17-06
Hee, hee--with my new time machine, I'll be able to go back and fuck...I mean, MEET various historical figures! Oh boy, oh boy, oh--
What happens if I pull THIS switch, Daddy?
That's the switch to turn off your mother, son.
Harold, what's going on down here!?!
Hurry up son! Pull the switch!

 

by mattaotamato
10-17-06
Shrooms are also known as the drug psilocybin. The effects of psilocybin are usually felt shortly after ingesting the drug.
Dude, I shouldn't have smoked those shrooms at my Grandma's house for my bachelor party. I am starting to see a church and a priest!
William!? Shrooms! God damn you!
Perceptual distortions are the usual symptoms.
It was just a bachelor party. Whoa. You just like dissed God in his house.
You smoked shrooms in my house!
Then quickly coming back to reality.
Whoa. Grandmother. What are you doing here?
You son of a bitch.

 

by mattaotamato
10-18-06
Hee, hee--with my new time machine, I'll be able to go back and fuck...I mean, MEET various historical figures! Oh boy, oh boy, oh--
What happens if I pull THIS switch, Daddy?
Oh no, son! I have been saving that switch as an experiment. That's to miniturize who's ever in the bullseye. Damn it! Pull the lever back up.
Sorry, Daddy. I'll pull the switch back up.
Son, is your father down here?
NOOO! Oh no! You just killed him!

 

by mattaotamato
10-18-06
Hee, hee--with my new time machine, I'll be able to go back and fuck...I mean, MEET various historical figures! Oh boy, oh boy, oh--
What happens if I pull THIS switch, Daddy?
Oh no! That switch makes us switch places! Now I'm you and you're me. It's okay, son. Just play it cool upstairs around your mother.
Harold, lets have madly passionate sex.

 

by mattaotamato
10-18-06
Mom, I want the new Ice-T C.D.!
No way!
But Mom! The asian's have the Ice- T C.D.!
I don't care!
Iceberg, nigga, can't you read?
Cos I'm the coldest motherfucker that you ever heard. Call me The Ice...or just The Iceberg.

 

by mattaotamato
10-22-06
Dude, your Grandma you have ignored all of your life died this weekend and came back to life as a zombie. She hates you and is going to kill you in the most gory way possible.
Whoa. Thank god that was just a dream.
Dude, your Grandma you have ignored all of your life died this weekend and came back to life as a zombie. She hates you and is going to kill you in the most gory way possible.

 

by mattaotamato
10-22-06
Did you hear about the study that says men can be straight if they "apply themselves?"
Did you hear about the study that says men can be gay if they "apply themselves?"

 

by mattaotamato
10-22-06
Roger, I have to tell you something.
What is it darling?
No matter what I may be, will you always love me?
Babe, I'll always love you no matter what. Your face could be torn away and I'd still love you. I love you more than this land, the oceans, I love you more than my untire universe!
I'm a man.
Son of a bitch.

 

by mattaotamato
10-23-06
You are not gay. You are just in denial. Just say no and I'll give you ten dollars!
No...
Ha. My reverse phycology has fooled you into becoming straight.
No. You just fooled yourself out of ten dollars. I was already straight.
Shit.

 

by mattaotamato
10-27-06
So, I was watching The Apprintace the other day and I just realized the blonde was kicked off.
The blonde?
Yeah, the blonde.
No, I knew what you meant.
Then why did you ask me--
Shut the fuck up you talking cow.

 

by mattaotamato
10-27-06
So, my friend has severe anorexia. Did you know there is a cow anorexia epidemic sweeping the nation?
Did you know millions of people kill cows everyday and eat them?There is a severe cow eating epidemic sweeping the nation and your most likely going to be next.

 

by mattaotamato
11-01-06
I don't want you trick or treating!
But Mom! All the asians are doing it!
Trick or treat!
Sorry sweetie. I don't have any candy.
Give me some fucking candy, nigger, or else I'll bust a cap in your skull!

 

by mattaotamato
12-02-06
I'm going over to my Dad's.
You can't go my chingey, my chongey, my non chongey in a ching with a big hairy chingy chong chongeyyyyy.
I have to go. I was supposed to be there 20 years ago.
Oooookay. If you have to.
Okay I'll stay just one more day.
YES!

 

by mattaotamato
8-14-07
man i just need a good FUCK!
whoa dude... calm down.
FUCK FUCK FUCK! OH YAH!
you are starting to creep me out, dude.
oh my! I didn't see you there!
great! now I'm hard...

 

by mattaotamato
8-15-07
that's it! I'm running away, Mom!
I don't give a fuck. You'll just end up as a fucking mcdonalds chicken nugget, you worthless peice of shit meat.
What's for dinner again?

 

by mattaotamato
8-15-07
And then...
SHE SQUEEZED MY UTTERS!
did it turn you on?

 

by mattaotamato
8-29-08
So you are late again, Mr. Brown.
My name is not Mr. Brown, sir.
And I'm not late, I'm fifteen mintes early.
Ah, yes Mr. Brown. I'm afraid I'll have to write you up for insubordinate sexual harassment.

 

by mattaotamato
8-31-08
What do you think people like better, hamburger's or chicken sandwhiches?
Why do you ask?
Well, I was trying to figure out what the ratio would be of my family living and..
I would rather eat a-
hamburger?
cheese...burger.

 

by mattaotamato
8-31-08
Look at my cute farm cow!! I think I will slaughter you tonight for ground beef.
Later...
I'm afraid this is good-bye. A dashing female has come to take me away from here.
Have you ever noticed the way that tree over there is kind of lop sided?

 

by mattaotamato
8-31-08
The other day I could've swore I saw that sexy bird, Betty wink at me.
No... that was me. There was a fly in my eye.
No! Cuz then she-
Licked her lips?
You ate the fly?
Naw. I had a random birdlike fantasy of eating you.

 

by mattaotamato
8-31-08
My favorite food is grass.
What's yours?
Chimichangas.

 

by mattaotamato
8-31-08
Ehere the hell is that damn cow?!
Sorry, I have taken him away because it was his time to go to the glorious home so Cow can be with Jesus alas.
WAIT! Angel, is Jesus a man or a woman!? I've always wanted to know.

 

by mattaotamato
8-31-08
Hey.
I thought... you were taken away by Jesus?
Oh you mean that kid with a crown? That's a servant of the old lady's.
Servant? That's a little Victorian.
He touches me.
Through the spirit.

 

by mattaotamato
8-31-08
So are you an ostrage or... like some kind of featherless peacock... I've always wanted to know.
What does it matter? Would it change the way you thought of me?
Well. It's just a question, no need to get defensive or-
I'M GAY! I'm a GAY bird. Okay? Are you happy? I'm a little tweeter bird! An old egg baggin slut. YOU dragged it out of me. I'm FUCKING gay!
Wow... uh... That's not what I was asking. I never thought peacocks as nesicarilly gay. More just... pretty.
Pea Cock. Featherless. Pea. Cock.

 

by mattaotamato
8-31-08
I rented this HORRIBLE movie once... and I can't remember the name...
Who stars in this movie?
Tom Cruise, I know he is in-
Vanilla Sky!
You answer with such abruptness.

 

by mattaotamato
8-31-08
IT"S A COW!
... Moo.
Can I touch your utters mrs cow?
No! *cough* fuck! ... uh... mooo.
Aw! SHE said yes!

 

by mattaotamato
8-31-08
Hey. You're gay, do my cow spots look evenly placed?
I... don't know. Why?
The new female cow, Charleene, said that my spots were perfectly, evenly placed.
You need to buy her a drank.
Herman ate all the mud out of mug pen.

Showing page 2.

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