All comics by quodlibet

Profile

 

by quodlibet
10-30-04
Dude, what's hanging? Looks like you've stumbled onto a *radical* find!
As a matter of fact, my anachronistically-challenged friend, I have.
Spill it, man. Do you snort it, hit it, or smoke it?
Something far better, old chum. It's environmentally friendly toilet paper, reclaimed from the waste streams of our wasteful industrialized world.
Noooooo waaaaaay. Toooooo coooool.
Whilst you and I might feel some unconscionable illicit thrill from lifting this top-secret product from this industrial lab, it's also available at your local store for a low low price of 9.99.

 

by quodlibet
10-30-04
Hey, boss! Did you see my ad campaign for our recycled toilet paper line?
Well, I....
Isn't it cool or what? It'll appeal nicely to the cool and hip as well as the treehuggers. It'll be a blast.
I'm not sure I'd wipe my butt with something that looks like it's been reclaimed from the sewers and pressed into rolls.
I hear we've sunk $500 million and mortgaged your house to make the product.
Although there are worse things that wiping your bum with someone else's used toilet paper.

 

by quodlibet
10-30-04
There's a reason I look really unhappy right now.
I haven't had a dump in seven days.
Recycled toilet paper? Get real.

 

by quodlibet
10-30-04
Looks like I'm the last person alive on Earth.
Nothing seems to have survived except for cockroaches and fruitcake. They're pretty much the only things that don't glow in the dark. I suppose they're sturdy enough to make a nice house, too.
But even the cockroaches won't eat fruitcake.

 

by quodlibet
10-30-04
I almost died of the runs on the weekend.
My mom did the right thing, though.
She sent me to school.
It's amazing what passes for cafeteria food.
I'm the top student in the school. Even my social life has improved.
I've got five funerals to go to this afternoon.

 

by quodlibet
10-30-04
Hallowe'en's lost all of its impact.
Instead of wetting your pants with fear of the devil, you spend it eating candy and wearing crappy costumes.
Hallowe'en's one of the saddest days of the year.

 

by quodlibet
10-30-04
My mom doesn't believe in trick-or-treating. She believes it corrupts the soul to panhandle for miniscule treats once a year.
She says it's very unmodern and unpatriotic to contribute to a quasi-underground economy in bartered goods.
She says that all it does it teach kids to expect charity from random strangers and corrupts their moral character..

 

by quodlibet
10-30-04
Hallowe'en's a family affair for us. Mom works the indoor side and Dad takes the kid's loot.
I get to stand outside in the cold and dark. Just when the kids think they're safe....
I never worry about bullies at school.

 

by quodlibet
10-30-04
I saw my parents doing it today.
Writhing and moaning and shouting at the top of their lungs. Banging away. Sweat and raw flesh flying everywhere.
I can't watch them play Warhammer 40,000 again.

 

by quodlibet
11-03-04
Twenty-five years ago, on this momentous day, an earth-shaking event reverberated around the world.
Blah blah blah blah BLAH, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah!
A (not-so-)little child was born, whose destiny was to change the face of life as we know it.
Blah blah blah blah BLAH, blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah!
Unfortunately, most intellects were, and still remain, too puny to understand the overwhelming significance of this event
Now on to other news.

 

by quodlibet
11-03-04
My mom was really happy when I brought home that last test.
All Cs and Ds.
All I need to do is bribe my way into Yale and then I'll be set to follow in the step of my idol.

 

by quodlibet
11-04-04
Yesterday I discovered this really cool site called StripCreator.com.
I'm making my very first comic. I'll blow their socks off! They won't know what's hit them! Move aside, boorite, kaufman, fzh! Make way for your new daddy!
Rats! Hit the wrong button. How do I delete this comic?

 

by quodlibet
11-04-04
A truncated version of Terminators 1-5000
TOBOR rules the world!
Death to John Connor! Death! Death! Death!

 

by quodlibet
11-04-04
Name the continents.
Urinary and anal.
What are peninsulas?
Swinger states where a few people get to screw American democracy over.
A nun, a Mexican and a goat walk into a bar. Where is the bar?
Set pretty low so far, I say.

 

by quodlibet
11-04-04
Deaner!
YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Great shoes to fill!
Vote for me! I did Monica Lewinsky too!
Dubya!
A vote for George Bush is a vote for Presidents Cheney, Rumsfeld and Rice!

 

by quodlibet
11-07-04
StripCreator Recruitment Centre
Tell me, sonny, do you have trouble feeding yourself?.
No, sir.
Where many aspire...
Good, good. Can you retain control of your own sphincters or do you soil yourself when reading StripCreator?
Why...yes, sir.
...and few pass.
THEN YOU HAVEN'T LAUGHED HARD ENOUGH! GIVE ME TEN, RIGHT NOW! ON THE FLOOR!
Sir YES SIR! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!...HA! HA! ...HA!...HA!

 

by quodlibet
11-07-04
StripCreator Recruitment Centre
What's wrong with this sentence? 'Kaufman put his cat before his cart.'
Um...
You stupid? It's blindingly obvious!
I...uh...can't...
IT'S NOT FUNNY! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! NOW GET DOWN AND GIVE ME TEN!
Uh...HA! HA! HAA!...HA! HA! ...HA!...HA!...HA! HA!...HA!

 

by quodlibet
11-07-04
StripCreator Recruitment Centre: The Final Test
Spell 'fucking asshole.'
Eff-you-see-kay-eye-en-gee eh-ess-ess-haitch-oh-ell-ee.
What's the contraction for 'could have'?
Could of.
Congratulations, you've come this far only to fail! Report to the principal's office for your letter of exile and get out of my face!

 

by quodlibet
11-08-04
My mother says that girls are the devil. They're scheming little tarts looking to suck the life-force out of helpless young men and enslave them to their secret genetic agendas of galatic dominion.
My mom would know.
She had me.

 

by quodlibet
11-08-04
I'd like to be a svelte swimsuit model.
I'd like to be president of the United States, or maybe the Governor of Mississippi when I learn how to spell Mississippi.
I want to live in a hermetically-sealed containment suit and avoid contact with the lesser contaminated beings of this planet.
I'd like to have a facelift and look Mexican!
The world will prosper and develop underneath my benevolent rule when I am nominated Lifelong Tyrant by the adoring masses. I will lead them to peace, freedom, and glory in an enlightened fashion.
For the last time, I told you to stop talking nonsense! Honestly!

 

by quodlibet
11-08-04
A fugue sequence in the principal's office:
Hi Gandalf. Frodo's in the toilet. Is that a plunger? There's been a flood.
You know very well who I am, young man.
I guess that little piece of shit wasn't so small after all.
You're in big trouble this time. I'll have to phone your mother and tell her about this latest incident.
Frodo didn't show enough deference to his future Galactic Overlord. He bit me. He opposed my dominion.
Frodo was a hamster. That's what hamsters do.

 

by quodlibet
11-08-04
The Phone Call Of Doom
May I speak with Mr. or Mrs. Galloway? I'm calling from --
I'm sorry, we're on a do-not-call list.
-- from your son's school --
It's bad enough when you telemarketers call at dinner, but now interrupting me at work?
-- wait a minute --
*click*

 

by quodlibet
11-09-04
Sucky sucky, ten dollah.
Sucky sucky, fi dollah!
Not getting at my ice cream cone.
Sucky sucky, one dollah!

 

by quodlibet
11-09-04
It says here that anal cancers come from buttfucking with the wrong people.
One treatment choice is excision.
Let's rock and roll.

 

by quodlibet
11-09-04
It also says here that anal cancers can be treated with radiation in an attempt to avoid damage to the intrinsic sphincters.
Side effects include blisters, constipation, and diarrhea.
Takes all the fun out of being gay, doesn't it?

 

by quodlibet
11-10-04
We Muslims are not as different as you Americans would think. For one, we all worship the same God as the Christians and Jews.
That is to say, we worship the god of money. We also snip off our little boy's penises, just like Jews and many Christian groups. Why do we do this?
So you see, we're not all that different from you. Vote Osama for President!

 

by quodlibet
11-10-04
You see, the similarities do not end there! We have as many fat disgusting rude people as you do.
Whaddaya want?
Six extra large Big Macs and step on it, nigger.
We have as many intolerant and ignorant people willing to die on a pointless crusade against the infidels!
How many innocent fellow Muslims can I blow up in Iraq today?
Let's rape our country of irreplaceable natural resources and squander money on fighter jets, foreign wars, and gas-guzzling SUVs!
Osama for President! How different could I be from George Bush?

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
On the Old Rock of Newfoundland:
I told you I could survive a summer on the Rock!
What summer? There wasn't a summer! It's still snowing in Newfoundland, for chrissakes!
I bet you I can survive for an hour in Vancouver's balmy summertime, too.
Is that so? Well, I'd like to see you try!
On the other coast, in Vancouver, BC:
I stand corrected.
Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
With my Jedi mind powers, I can move that arm amputated by an unfortunate chainsaw juggler to a place where none but the dogs will find it.
Is that so? Well, I'd like to see you try!
I stand corrected.
Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it!

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
Erotica For Lab Geeks
Chapter One. Mating Male and Female Plugs! I'm getting hot already! Wowza!
Tantric Sex For Necrophiliacs: How To Satisfy Your Partner
C++ For The VCR Programmer In Your Household
Whoa....

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
Interior Decorating For The Colour-Blind
I'm not entirely sure about this....
Aye ham couleur-blind, oui, from Paris, mais, because I am French, I must have good taste, bien sur!
Remedial Elementary Asian Mathematics Level 1: Integration by Parts
dy = integral from zero to one of 2x(x^6 - 24) dx equals?
CPR For Hookers
Suck-blow-suck-blow-pump- pump-pump-pump-pump-pump? For free? You gotta be kiddin' me.

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
Zen And The Art of Surviving Airline Disasters
Step 1: Talk to the finger! Talk to the finger! Talk to the finger!
Hot Travel Destinations For Octogenarian Lesbian Sex
My, it's a bit warm down here. Where are we, Greece? Maybe let's go down to the beach for a little tanning!
Illiterate? Twenty-Nine Pedagogic Methods To Expedite Reading Comprehension In A Fortnight Or Less!
I...I'll...I'll it... Ah, fergedabou' it!

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
Wilderness Survival For Cityfolk
I should've been more careful and not fallen five hundred feet off that cliff. But my trusty Wilderness Guide will save me.
Chapter 95: Complex neurosurgery in five minutes or less!
Requires: one Swiss army knife, one hammer. That's easy enough.
Complex repairs for life-threatening trauma made astonishingly simple!
Step one. Knock yourself out with the hammer. Here goes --

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
My child, have you considered a career in the church?
Yeah.
Think of the lives you could affect for the greater glory of God! Think of the grace that would flowthrough you! All you need do is enter our seminary.
Enter your seminary?
Why, of course!
Look, lady, I'm not stupid. Even I know girls don't have a seminary.

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
My child, have you considered a career in the church?
Yeah.
Think of the lives you could affect for the greater glory of God! Think of the grace that would flowthrough you! All you need do is enter our seminary.
Enter your seminary?
Why, of course!
Look, lady, I don't swing that way.

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
My child, have you considered a career in the church?
Yeah.
Think of the lives you could affect for the greater glory of God! Think of the grace that would flowthrough you! All you need do is enter our seminary.
Enter your seminary?
Why, of course!
I was kind of hoping that you had an empty spot in your Inquisition for an apprentice torturer or something like that.

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
My child, have you considered a career in the church?
Yeah.
Think of the lives you could affect for the greater glory of God! Think of the grace that would flowthrough you! All you need do is enter our seminary.
Enter your seminary?
Why, of course!
I was hoping for a place as lead crusader. I like to go to heaven for smashing things to bits, and I mean, the Church has a lot of enemies to smite.

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
My child, have you considered a career in the church?
Yeah.
Think of the lives you could affect for the greater glory of God! Think of the grace that would flowthrough you! All you need do is enter our seminary.
Enter your seminary?
Why, of course!
I came to burn witches, not for a life of contemplation and holiness. Geez.

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
My child, have you considered a career in the church?
Yeah.
Think of the lives you could affect for the greater glory of God! Think of the grace that would flowthrough you! All you need do is enter our seminary.
Enter your seminary?
Why, of course!
Save yourself some time and appoint me pope. Pope Orange Julius the First. You can send the Popemobile in the morning so that the crowds may adore me.

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
My child, have you considered a career in the church?
Yeah.
Think of the lives you could affect for the greater glory of God! Think of the grace that would flowthrough you! All you need do is enter our seminary.
Enter your seminary?
Why, of course!
Obviously the radiant halo and the Jedi-like mind-powers and my charismatic yet pure nature has not convinced you that I AM your god.

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
AAAAAARGH! Georgie! Is that you? Am I awake or dreaming?
Laura, you're safe in bed with George Bush, and I'm your president and your loving fundamentalist Christian husband.
Oh my! I thought I was sleeping with Bill Clinton.
Heh heh heh, well, Laura, you don't need to worry about that philandering Antichrist.
Oh. I think I was screaming from multiple orgasms from the cigar. Not that I'm complaining about YOUR missile defence system.

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
Only you stand between Earth's survival and destruction in the Ultimate Punning Competition, Kaufman.
I will not fail my fellow right-minded citizens. Never! My punning power has never been rivalled!
Then generate one of these puns for me, Kaufman. I will leave if you can make me laugh.
Why...I...um....
YOU LOSE!!!!! Let the liberal slaughter begin!!!!!
Nooooooooo.....

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
Sucky sucky?
No sucky sucky?
No money for more math kumon classes?!?!?! Boohoo hooo...

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
Hand over another one of those beers, Zegota.
We're out of beer. That's the last box the store had.
I guess I'll have to sell my shirt and everything underneath it to fuel my booze addiction.
There must be a way to obtain more beer.

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
Well, thank goodness we managed to scrape together enough money between my tricks and... whatever it is that you do.
How's the beer?
Pffffffffft! What kind of beer is this, anyways? It tastes like dog piss. Warm dog piss.
Nobody fools with my beer.
Meanwhile, unbeknownst to our suffering protagonists....
And when he's finished, strain it through some high-quality chickenshit before it's bottled. It gives that nice frothy head when you spew the bottle.

 

by quodlibet
11-12-04
Our unhappy hero visits the doctor for advice.
You've developed a severe allergy to beer. Budweiser up! Get off your Duff and Leffe behind your lambic lifestyle before you Rodenbach it.
Well, you're the draughter. What do I have to do?
Stout man! Coors off on the beer. Amstel, you'll have to Corona your habit of pantlessness.
I can't say that I'll Jupiler for joy, but keep gueuzing.
I'd start by wearing a grass skirt and coconut-shell bra if you can't curtail the pantlessness.
Heineken be all right with that.

 

by quodlibet
11-14-04
Is there a reason why we're practicing this duet in the dark?
Darkness enhances sensory perception. Shall we play?
o^ Geeee! AAAAAAAAAAh! Eeeeeeeeee! o^
Let me twiddle those tuning knobs. You're just a bit too low.
Ooooh, yes! And while you're at it, let me rosin up your bow.
It would be my pleasure!

 

by quodlibet
11-14-04
I really don't understand why the Church no longer wishes me to play the cello. Music is a prayer to God.
Sister, the cello is an indecent and unclean instrument not fit for women.
I don't understand, Father.
It is indecent for a woman to spread her legs for a large hourglass-shaped instrument! Then to embrace it tenderly while it moans with pleasure!
Are you getting off on this, Father?
Just on the idea of kinky lesbian sex, Sister.

 

by quodlibet
11-14-04
I hate to give up on my musical career, Father. Can I play the viola instead?
We're not Anglicans, Sister, so I suggest you pick an instrument without a woman's name.
Such as?
Woodwinds are nice heterosexual instruments. I learned all about the slide trombone and clarinets one time, at band camp.
What about sax?
No, no sax, not until you're married, and certainly without pills or condoms. Did I tell you that the rythmn method is great with sax?

 

by quodlibet
11-14-04
I've got some woodies you can blow in my office, if you want the practice.
No thanks, Father. I think I'll take up piano.
If you want to take up keyboarding, Sister, I wouldn't start with the piano.
We've got a mighty big organ right here in the chapel for you to play with.

Showing page 2.

« Previous Next »