All comics by stabbo

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by stabbo
1-08-18
Bruce, what are you doing here?
I thought I might ask for my job back.
Too soon, Bruce. I'm still picking nails out of that poor girl's back.
Nailing her was your idea! Wait -- Lu, what are YOU doing here?
I was given your old job! I was told I had something called "moxie." I was about to look it up on WebMD.
No need. I have the cure.

 

by stabbo
1-08-18
Are you happy now, Bruce?! Your little ax-crazy murder show almost cost me my new job!
Almost?
You slaughtered 17 employees! They can't just replace them in one day! They NEED me!
I'm available.
You've got some nerve, Bruce! That poor girl finally gets all the nails out of her back, now she's gotta deal with the ax buried in her head!
Holy crow. She's tougher than she looks.

 

by stabbo
1-09-18
Hey, Lu. Is it safe to come out?
Sweet merciful Jeff. I thought you were dead.
I was hiding under a bunch of dead bodies. I really didn't expect that from Bruce. You maybe. But not Bruce.
Stay put. I'll get you a napkin.
I think Jeff wants you to finish him off. Do it quick, he's bleeding all over my floor.
JEFF, that's his name! I could never remember it! That used to drive me so insane I wanted to butcher somebody! Now I can! JEFF!

 

by stabbo
1-11-18
Hey amigo! It's Lu, right? You were awfully quiet at the crisis meeting! Anything on your mind? What do you do here again?
Basement.
Basement it is!
Whoa! Seems like I'm getting the ax in more ways than one! Thank you! I'll be here all week! Or not! LOL! Tell my wife I love her!

 

by stabbo
1-12-18
Lu? Who'd I just eviscerate?
Some asshole who kept pointing at me. Why?
I think he had a family.
He also had brain matter but not any more thanks to you. Speaking of which, did you wipe out Jeff's family? No half measures, Bruce.
I can still hear them screaming...
Yeah, kids are the worst. And Jeff had so many. Wanna get lunch?

 

by stabbo
1-16-18
The boss is on her way down here? Good heavens! How do I look?
Homicidal! Make it count! I'll be outside!
Bruce! Look at this mess! You are in SO much trouble! Give me that ax right NOW!
Please tell me her head is in there.
Your things. The feds are on their way. She said she'll see you in hell. C'est la vie. Anywho. You getting in here?

 

by stabbo
1-17-18
You're sure it was him?
I'm not gonna lie, Willy, I was all sorts a bombed.
"But I could've sworn I heard 'em say:"
Deal me in boys! And throw me some whores! The young kind! With the freckles! And tell my horse to get this smokin goat lotsa booze!
And lotsa smokes!
Nice try. So how'd he do?
He played blackjack at a poker game, took a big, creamy dump on the bar, then offered said dump as collateral. I took a picture.

 

by stabbo
1-18-18
Terrence says the Cowboy's upstairs planning a bank heist with me as his getaway horse. I can't believe they let him out already. Why me, Gerald? ...Gerald?
I'm out of tea.
...Are you...going to be alright?
No need to panic. As soon as we crash, I'll start writing the Great American Novel. And I'll finally stop worrying about briefcase tacos. Father?

 

by stabbo
1-19-18
See "Famous Last Words" 11/20/03
I do recall a disagreeable rabbit rearranging my frozen man-parts with a shotgun. I've been a broken shell of a thespian ever since.
Quiet human! I'm merely studying your active form in order to quickly and efficiently conquer your race!
Scene study is a terrific idea! I am eternally gratefully for being pieced together just in time for my long-overdue comeback.
Remove your clothes so we may begin pulling out your intestines through your rectum!
Of course! It's what's on the inside that counts! Ruthless anal-probing alien, I'm dedicating my forthcoming award to you. Rejoice!
Game over, man.

 

by stabbo
1-23-18
Jerry keeps calling me "Lord Fog."
His hallucinations are getting worse. We need to find Gerald some tea and fix this cowboy business once and for all.
Maybe his new imaginary friends can help us? He's been talking about them a lot lately.
What's this now?
An "office castle" where you ruled with an ax-wielding beast? Sounds deliciously medieval. Why did you leave?
Alas, we were cast out by an evil corporate re-structuring witch. Wait. Which one of us is hallucinating again?

 

by stabbo
1-30-18
I just saw a chain-smoking triceratops puke and collapse outside a bar.
Sounds like that place needs a major Bar Rescue.
Lu, where are we? Should we hide? Aren't dinosaurs extinct?
If they are, then we're tripping balls right now. So I guess what I told that fake, tea-addicted T-rex shouldn't have any real consequences.
Can I help you with something?
Please remove your arm and pour the contents into this mug. Slowly.

 

by stabbo
1-31-18
'Morning, Fred. Where's the arm?
I don't wanna talk about it.
You wanna talk about that T-rex going full-on carnivore at HR right now? 'Cause that's why I'm hiding. My sexual harassment hearing can wait.
Goddamn it! I need to know if I'm covered for this!
Earlier that morning...
Sir! Threatening to eat my children is NOT how we do things around here! If you want tea that bad, then go eat someone at Human Resources!

 

by stabbo
2-01-18
Donald J. Trump Edition
Mr. President, interference in the 2016 elections by the Russians has been proven--
Fake news! You're fired! Little Marco! Crazy Bernie! Hot Ivanka! Extreme vetting!
Yes, Future-Generation-Reading-This-Because-You're-Writing-A-Pre-Apocalyptic-History-Paper, he really WAS the President...
--so why is the White House trying so hard to undermine the Robert Mueller investigation?
...Or was he?...
Sweet merciful crap! Did you just turn into a giant insect?
Do svidaniya, American loser!

 

by stabbo
2-05-18
Well played. Where'd you get the fake blood?
From a tub full of real kittens. You want one?

 

by stabbo
2-07-18
I'm having trouble remembering what I did last night.
You got shit-faced.
Oh, no! What happened?
You laughed, you cried, you started swinging your ax at the bar, screaming like a banshee. Why?
You think the killer hacked the Cowboy to bits in a blind rage?
More like he was practicing his golf swing.

 

by stabbo
2-09-18
Sir, that's the ninth time you've asked me if the Cowboy's really dead.
Sir?
Please tell me his head is in there.

 

by stabbo
2-13-18
Holy dogshit.
I know.
So. Did you kill the Cowboy?
No. Did you?
"Nah. I swallowed a cigarette and spent the whole night tryin to puke it out. But whoever did it -- they ain't playin games."
B-3.
Bingo.

 

by stabbo
2-15-18
I didn't kill anybody!
I was gonna ask if you knew where the restroom was.
I think I need a lawyer.
Did you just stab me?

 

by stabbo
2-20-18
"Number 1, step forward! Hey! This is a lineup, not a lounge!"
I only brought this knife 'cause I can't find my ax -- wait, is that it?
Sir, I just gave birth to this ax! Are you my mother?
Wait -- is this the audition? I didn't get my sides! What's the line?
"Give ME the keys you fucking cocksucker!" That got me a role as Corpse #4 on Law & Order: Criminal Intent.
I got your keys RIGHT HERE!

 

by stabbo
3-12-18
I know he was an actor, Bruce, but did you have to split him in half?
I didn't do it! It was some giant, diaper-wearing squirrel! This place is full of 'em!
You're not gonna say that in court, are you?
If you don't shut up, I'm gonna split YOU in half!
WHO got split in half? And why wasn't I there?
Does it matter? I'm off the hook. But for the record, that actor deserved it. Well, ALL humans do but let's keep that to ourselves.

 

by stabbo
3-13-18
Leonard.
William! It appears the police have a "person of interest" in The Cowboy's murder.
He's dead, Leonard. Case closed.
I believe you two know each other.
Hey Mr. Cowboy's horsey!
SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP! KILL IT! KILL IT BEFORE IT KILLS US ALL!

 

by stabbo
3-14-18
Holy dogshit. What's she been doin' this whole time?
Whatever little human girls do. Meth?
I know how THAT goes -- one minute you're dancing on the bar, the next, you're eating a bunch of screaming kids.
Yes, well, meth or no meth, I always knew she'd end up butchering that Cowboy. That child is pure evil.
Great -- now I feel like doin' meth. You in?
Always a pleasure, Terrence.

 

by stabbo
3-19-18
They're indicting a little girl?
She had motive. Not to mention your bloody ax, still covered in Cowboy bits. I see her being put to death within the hour.
Sweet justice.
You're all sick.
They also found trace amounts of older blood, as yet unidentified. Your thoughts?
Sir? Do you wanna be nice or do you wanna get stabbed again?

 

by stabbo
3-22-18
Now that the Cowboy's murder has been solved, it's time we find Gerald. Perhaps I'll have a strong word with that ax-wielding fellow.
Good, I'll disembowel the other one.
Nice tie.
Nice hat.
Office drones are vicious. To save your friend Jerry, we have to eviscerate every last one of them. For death and glory.
For death and glory! And smokes! And beer! Maybe some meth?

 

by stabbo
7-31-18
We accept souls and first-borns only.
Well, I'm kinda short on both right now. I DO have bitcoin...
Let me discuss this with my supervisor. Please wait here.
Can you bring me these in a size 10 while you're back there?
Here are your options: Soul, first-born, or a most gruesome violation of the loved one of your choosing. While you watch. Forever.
I murdered my loved ones. And show me a size 11 too. Chop-chop.

 

by stabbo
8-03-18
Sweet fancy Moses, it's good to see you! I need it bad, you little, ugly bastard! I crashed my car, I lost my job, and I still can't find my kid!
Wait -- That's not weed. You said you had a delivery.
Divorce papers. But feel free to roll them into a big, fat, pathetic joint.

 

Piranha Plant's interview quickly went off the rails.
Mario was also viciously anti-Semitic.
by stabbo, 5-31-20

 

When asked about Mario's alleged racial comments, Luigi's response may have cost him a much-needed 1-Up.
You mean the stuff he said about the illegal Mexicans or the Chinamen?
by stabbo, 6-01-20

 

No one had moved for the better part of an hour. Strangely, the last thing anybody remembers was the white owl casually dropping a grenade.
by stabbo, 6-03-20

 

by stabbo
6-11-20
I'm gonna slip into something more comfortable.
Me too!
You mind if we do it with the lights on? I don't wanna hafta spend all night lookin' for this slippery little fucker.

 

by stabbo
6-25-20
Pre-quarantine:
I'll take whatever you can give me. Please. For my family.
Post-quarantine:
One day, you'll refuse to give me a snack. I'll then viciously scratch your eyes out while my children defecate inside your bleeding eye sockets. Tell me, sir: Is today that day?

 

by stabbo
9-21-21
Get away. Get away from me. Goddamn you, get the hell away from me.
Get away.
Get.

 

That goddamn hand puppet's been chasing me since I got on the freeway. Should I give it a treat? What time is it? Did I take my meds? Why is pancakes? Who are you? Where's my steering wheel?
Honk!
by stabbo, 9-28-21

 

by stabbo
9-30-21
See "Jurassic Follies Murder Mystery (part 5)" 2-20-18
Ever since I was unceremoniously split in half by a murderous squirrel during a police lineup, I've accepted all movie roles. After all, a creative genius such as myself should not be typecast.
You sound like a great guy. Ya know, I'm like THE biggest creative genius in history so it's perfect that you're talking to me because I'm going to make a big, incredible, new movie.
What kind of motion picture could possibly contain my enormous and effervescent acting chops?
My 2024 campaign. I'm gonna call it "Apocalypse Now."
"...the horror..."
So great.

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