All comics by four_legged_tripod

Profile

 

I remember falling in love with Zsa Zsa when I saw her in the final episode of Batman.
I followed her through the tabloids with all of her marriages. And now that she is no longer a part of this world...
Well, it feels just like a slap in the face.

 

Make sure you drive careful in this weather.
I'll be just fine.
Seriously, there are frozen spots in the road that you may not see.
I really don't care about that man!
Hey, dickwad, Black Ice Matters!

 

You are Linda Danvers, aka Supergirl, correct?
Yes, officer. What's this about?
I'm afraid that I'm going to have to arrest you for the murder of George Michael.
Wait! That dude had a problem with heroin, not heroines.

 

Time to go Ms. Fisher.
Aren't you a little short for a Storm Trooper?
Very funny. Now let's go.
I'm not the one you are looking for.
Oh. Okay then. Wait a minute...

 

Well, Ms. Fisher, how do you like heaven?
It's just beautiful.
I'm glad you like it.
I wish my mom could see this.

 

Is your church having a New Year's Eve service tomorrow?
Yeah, but we're not going.
Why not? I thought all you Catholics went everytime the doors were open.
There's an old folks home that goes on New Year's Eve and a lot of them have alzheimer's.
You don't go because of that?
Yeah. It ends up just being mass confusion.

 

What's with the scratch on the car?
I hit a sign.
I would think there would have been more damage.
The crossing guard took most of the impact.

 

This is the third time this week that you've called in Greg.
I know Mr. Ogden.
Is it because someone hacked your personal information and shared it with the whole office and we all now know about your used panty fetish?
That's part of it. But due to the weather, I also literally cannot leave my house. So I guess in more ways than one,
I've been snowed in.

 

Did you do anything yesterday to remember the late Doctor Martin Luther King Jr.?
Why would I set aside a day to remember a certain brand of shoes?
Not Doc Martin's, you idiot!
Geez! Sorry. You don't have to get so pissy.
Sometimes I want to beat you senseless and march over your unconcious body.
That reminds me, happy late MLK Day!

 

Our anti-drug campaign is working! The line wraps around the building twice!
It's great! Too many people have gotten on drugs.
I know! They've gotten on crack, they've gotten on speed, they've gotten on meth, and they've gotten on weed.
I'm so glad we came up with such a catchy slogan.
"Let us help get you off!"
"Let us help get you off!"

 

Congresswoman, are you sure you want to run on this platform?
Of course! Women are under-represented in Congress. The ratio should be 2 to 1 in favor of women.
Yes but- -
And pink is the perfect color to symbolize women. Plus I want America to see men as the dirty, smelly creatures they are!
All good points, but do you really want to keep the slogan "Two in the Pink and one in the Stink"?

 

What is your obsession with Jack Nicholson?
He's just so smug. I can't stand his attitude.
But to start an online campagn to ruin the man?
Why not? He goes around all high and mighty on his high horse. He needs to be knocked off!
Yes, but do you really want to go around wearing a t-shirt that says "Help Jack off the horse"?

 

Remember when we were dating and you were going through your furry phase?
Yeah. I told you that the only way I would do anal was if we were both in furry costumes.
We learned that night that the answer to the question, "What does the fox say", was
"Ouch! Ouch! Ouch, goddamit!"

 

You've got to kill it!
Kill what?
There's a black widow in the basement and I'm xenophobic!
I think you mean arachnophobic. I'll take care of it.
*sob* Why, Roger? Why did you leave me? *sob*

 

Where have you been? The movie ended 10 minutes ago.
I stayed to see if there was an after credits scene.
At the end of Manchester by the Sea?
Yeah.
Marvel has runied movie watching for us all.

 

Thank you for calling customer service, how may I help you?
I forgot my password and need to reset it.
No problem. Let me just find your personalized security question. Um... "Hey baby, what are you wearing?"
None of your business you fucking pervert!
That is the correct answer, but please sir, stop calling me everyday to reset your password.
Tease!

 

Cleavage.
Bra?
Sexy.
Lingerie?
Time's up. The Password was "charity"
My sister?!

 

Sir? I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
What's the problem?
You've been standing there just staring at the panties for an hour now.
So? You can't spell lingerie without "linger" now can ya?

 

12pm
You want me to get you one of these Atomic burritos?
Well, I've never had anything from a food truck before. Why not?
1pm
It's like lava coming out of my ass!
2pm
Two more burritos, please.

 

 

8pm
Wait. Why are they doing that?
I don't know. I'm watching the movie for the first time like you are.
9pm
What did he mean by that?
Again, I don't know. I'm assuming they'll explain it if we just continue to watch the movie.
10pm
Now why would that happen?
Does it look like I wrote the fucking script?!

 

I just had the strangest dream.
What happened?
You got hit by a bus and I took care or you for the next two years of your pain-filled life until you died.
Sounds horrible. Is that all that happened?
The muscular bachelor next door showed up in the dream the next day.

 

I'm doing a quick grocery run. Need anything?
More shampoo.
More? I just bought you some last week.
It's all in one, mom. I use it for my hair as well as body wash.
It's not meant for your body. Just your hair.
Then why's it called "Head and Shoulders?"

 

He is risen! He is risen!
I'm impressed. I had no idea you were into Easter this much!
Easter?
I'm just glad the Viagra is working.

 

I love Easter. Everyone gets dressed up and goes door-to-door asking for candy.
That's not Easter. On Easter, we put up a big tree and place all kinds of presents under it.
I couldn't help but overhear, but Easter is when Jesus died on the cross, was buried and on the third day came out of the tomb.
And if he sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of winter.

 

INT: Car
Slug bug!
Ouch! You don't have to hit so hard. I need to make a quick detour before going home.
Slug bug! Slug bug! Slug bug! Slug bug! Slug bug! Slug bug!
Slug bug! Slug bug! Slug bug! Slug bug! Slug bug! Slug bug!
I keep forgetting about that fucking Volkswagen dealership!

 

When I started this prison sentance I was a tight end.
Now I don't think I can go on any longer as a wide receiver.

 

Hi. I'm Rosemary.
Hello. I'm Pepper.
Nice to meet you. My name's Sage.
I'm Ginger.
Where have you been? I sent you next door over an hour ago to see if they had any chili powder and you come back disheveled and sweaty.
I had to try a lot of different spices before I found the chili powder.

 

Could you get the door for me so I can get through with this laundry basket?
Can't. I'm holding this box I'm taking to the garage.
Well, put it down.
You're a stupid box. You'll never grow up to be anything more than a dumb box.

 

Oh come on! I can't even go to the kitchen for a glass of water?
Nope. You're grounded to your room all weekend. You can leave to use the restroom, but only with permission.
Seriously? Even inmates get yard time!
Inmates also get anally raped, but I thought I'd not allow that either. You okay with that?
Um, yeah. I'd like to be able to smuggle stuff into my room without it falling out, I suppose.

 

I am so hot. I wish I had some ices.
I know right? What I wouldn't give to have some ices inside of me.
The other day, I rubbed up against a bunch of ices and it made my nipples very hard.
I like to put a couple of ices in my mouth and suck on them all day long!
Are you hearing what they are saying about us brother?
American women are SO kinky!

 

Ms. Beal, do you have my weed?
I sure do. Your weed was actually very good this time. Last time your weed was so bad I was quite upset.
My weed was not that bad!
Your weed stunk. You had some pretty stinky weed.
Could you give me Bobby's weed? I promise to take his weed straight to him.
I can't. I can hold your friend's weed but only for a little bit. If he doesn't pick up his weed soon, his weed will likely go up in smoke.

 

Aww. He left me a card.
"My love for you is like communism. Everyone gets a share, and it's only good in theory."
*KNOCK KNOCK* Why the hell is this door locked?
Shit. You gotta go. I think she read her card.

 

Son, you don't have to just believe in Jesus to avoid eternal damnation.
Really?
BOO!
Auugh!!!
Yep. Scared the hell out of that one!

 

What are you eating?
A bowl full of corn and peanuts.
Why?
Cuz I like to be reminded of what I have eaten 24 hours after I've eaten it.

 

I saw your cousin Jamal at the store yesterday.
Jamal? No way. He's been out of town all week.
You get all black people confused with other black people. It's like we all look the same to you.
Well, once you've seen Dajuan, you've seen Jamal.

 

Brenda in accounting said she keeps finding footprints on the toilet seats in the ladies bathroom.
It's that new Asian intern. They all just squat over a hole to go the bathroom over there. They don't know what the hell to do with a toilet.
You know, I think I remember seeing a documentary about that.
Or maybe it was just porn.

 

Only three people have entered? I wonder what happened to all the users?
Maybe they have all become famous YouTubers and are too busy making videos of themselves playing video games.
Maybe the Illuminati are controlling their brains in order to get them ready for Ivanka's 2020 Presidential bid.
Or maybe they've grown out of making silly online comics and have matured to more important things such as mowing the lawn and taking out the trash!

 

Mr. Smirnoff, what's it like to be the new press secretacry?
In Soviet Russia, you don't press the secretary, the secretary presses you!
What does that mean? Is your hiring further evidence of President Trump's involement with Russia?
In Soviet Russia, you don't trump the President, the President trumps you!
What? Um... uh... That makes no sense.
These pre-written answers given to me by the President are working quite nicely!

 

Mr. President! Have you chosen another press secretary?
I have. My new press secretary will be my daughter Ivanka's ass.
Seriously? Why?
Have you seen it?
That ass won't quit!

 

I'm doing a report on KITT from "Knight Rider".
Okay.
I heard he wrote a book on his personal exeperiences on the show.
Auto-Autobiography. Asile 3. Next to "Herbie's Story: How Penicillin Cured the 'Love Bug'".

 

What is this mess all over the floor?
I'm pouring out all of our Campell soups in memory of Glen Campbell.
That's stupid. There's got to be a better way to honor the man.
You're right!
Ouch! Quit bedazzling me with rhinestones you idiot!

 

I keep finding these painted rocks around town.
Those are town spirit rocks. See, they have #ourtownrocks written on the back of them.
Oh I get it. Our town "rocks" with rocks. What am I supposed to do with them?
You hide them so others get town spirit when they find them. And I think I know just where to hide one!
Harold! Some little shit just chucked a painted rock through our window!
I hate this fucking town!

 

Did you hear that?
Hear what?
It sounded like someone stepping on a squeeky floor board upstairs. Wait! There it is again! It sounds like air being slowly let out of a balloon.
Um, I don't hear anything.
There! Right there! It sounds like it's behind us! *sniff* Why does it smell like cabbage?
Oh! I hear it now! It's coming from upstairs! Definitely upstairs!

 

I'd like a pizz-- uh... Are you Matt Damon?
Yep. What can I get you?
I wanted a supreme pizza but noticed that you offer a "white supreme" pizza. I'm assuming it's made with alfrado sauce and chicken.
Nope. It's the same pizza. We just take Kevin off the line and force Javier to make it by himself but only pay him half his normal wage while he does.
Douche.

 

You hear about the big asteroid heading our way?
Yeah. I think I'll stay here and avoid the massive migration. The news blows things way out of proportion.
My mom packed everything up and took off. I bet she's stuck behind a hairy Mammoth butt as we speak!
Excuse me fellas.
And you are?
I'm the big-ass droid your momma warned you about.

 

Why are you so happy all the time?
I love my wife!
Really?
Sure do! We have anal sex all the time!
Wow! That sounds amazing!
Sure is! We do it so much, I think we may have worn out the strap-on!

 

I guess you heard Tom Petty died.
I guess you're about to make a joke about it.
No way! His death is a tragedy!
You feel that way?
Sure do. The whole situation is a heartbreaker.

 

Hell of a night. Goats blood and pentograms always make me hungry the next morning!
I made those thin french pancakes you like.
Sweet!
Aw, shit. I just dropped them. Here, I'll pick 'em up.
Get your filthy paws off my damn dirty crepes!

 

You've been in there for a while now. Are you okay?
Just fine. I'm just rubbing one out thinking about Tom Brady.
This is not what I meant when I said you could join my fantasy football league.

Showing page 21.

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