All comics by mandingo

Profile

 

by mandingo
12-20-07
dude, i had a weird dream last night that Santa was a tyrannosaurus
oh yeah? what was that like?
*SCREEEEEEEEECH* YOU'VE BEEN NAUGHTY!!!!!
*wets self*
*SCREEEEEEEEECH* YOU'VE BEEN NICE!!!!! HERE'S A PRESENT!!!!!
*wets self*

 

by mandingo
12-21-07
sweetums, it's 10 minutes to curtain! there won't be a place to park!
here i come!
i'll go change.

 

by mandingo
12-21-07
whenever i get angry i turn into a big green Hulk
i'm sure you do. and whenever i'm startled i turn into a turd brown dinosaur
YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE FUN OF HULK!! HULK NOT LIKE IT!!
holy fuck!

 

by mandingo
12-24-07
every year, NORAD tracks jolly old Santa's sleigh as it flies over American airspace
unfortunately, our targetting systems accidentally shot good Saint Nick down tonight. but i want to STRESS he's perfectly fine and will be on his way again as soon as he complies
complies?
TELL US THE NAMES OF THE NAUGHTY CHILDREN!!!

 

by mandingo
12-27-07
hey, Steve. i know since your family died in that boating accident, you've been clutching that signed photo of Captain & Tennille to your bosom, but it's time to let it go, man.
i mean, seriously, Captain & Tennille? a bit overrated, am i right? now if it was Dokken...
34 years, Jones. 34 years on the force and i ain't never seen a crime scene like that

 

by mandingo
12-29-07
remember that time you got really high and watched Looney Tunes?
rabbit season
DUCK SEASON!!!!!!!
no.
that rivulet of urine running down your leg says otherwise.

 

DING
recess!
by mandingo, 1-02-08

 

by mandingo
1-08-08
how's the brothel buisness, my man?
good. i just hired a couple real smart guys to manage it so i'm expecting profits to skyrocket
sales are down 80%
damn. i was afraid of that
too many of us

 

by mandingo
1-10-08
do you smell what The Rock is cooking!
I SAID, DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!!!!!
it's duck lambe with an apricot glaze, silly. couldn't you tell? it's super yum yum!

 

by mandingo
1-15-08
sorry, i don't hire hispanics
sorry, i don't hire deaf mutes
who the hell was that? i wasn't applying for anything, were you?
nguh

 

by mandingo
1-23-08
hey hey, it's STEVE! how's it going, STEVE! great to see you, STEVE!
you okay?
i'm gonna go over to Laura's for a couple hours, babe
alright, sweety

 

by mandingo
1-23-08
TAKE IT ALLLLLL!!!
YES!! YES!!!!!!
let's see who can drink the most, lightweight
you're on, jabroni!

 

by mandingo
1-25-08
WHAT THE HELL!
it's not what it looks like!
it looks like you were toilet plunging my wife's vagina!
i know, i know, but there's nothing sexual about it! i got my... uh... ring caught up there a half hour ago.
would you tell her to stop projectile cumming at least??
no cumming!

 

by mandingo
1-26-08
i cast Chastity. my vagina gets +0/+8 till the end of the turn
i cast Drunkenness. your vagina's defenses are reduced to 0 for about 8 hours. also, you have to show me your boobs if i offer you a t-shirt
wanna fuck?
hell no, i'm winning!

 

by mandingo
2-01-08
so people are always asking me if it's hard being Magic Johnson.
no flash photography, please.

 

by mandingo
2-01-08
welcome to Open Mike night! let's get right to it! what's he got in him, Perry?
well, let's see. there's half a Michelin tire, an Illinois license plate, and wait, what's this...
CWIST GWAD JESUS!
yep, it sure is. a paritally digested human ear. old habits, eh, Mike?
I'LL EAT YOAH CHILDWEN!

 

by mandingo
2-06-08
here, i've got a quarter. we'll flip for the last beer. call it in the air.
odds.
damn, 25 cents. odds it is. it's all yours.
thanks.

 

by mandingo
2-09-08
going out, mom and dad! Steve got us tickets to Rent! then it's off to pick out track lighting! weeeeeeee!
you coddled the boy too much, Marge.
i'm not having this conversation again, Harry.

 

by mandingo
2-09-08
excuse me, Ma'am? i just wanted to let you know i'm gonna shoot everyone in this elementary school. and i'm gonna start with you.
you're kidding, right? you didn't just say...
MA'AM!!!
if i say i didn't, will you give me my gun and severed testes back?
you'll get them back at the end of the year, young man.

 

by mandingo
2-11-08
Donna, i know we're roommates and supposed to be keeping it platonic, but i think i've fallen in love with you. i know you don't feel the same, so i'm going to be moving out
but i do! i love everything about you! the way you sleep with a pillow between your legs, the way you keep your food separate on your plate, the way you gargle to the tune of Sloop John B
that's actually Quinn the Eskimo
so i killed him
and rightly so

 

by mandingo
2-11-08
i think maybe i should have been a little more forgiving and a little less stabby
that won't do
who you talking to, sweetheart?
can't he see you?
no, Donna. Jesus Christ sent me down to you and you alone. only you can see me. only you can save Neptune

 

by mandingo
2-11-08
he couldn't see her. so i killed him. like the others. for Neptune
yes, i know, dear. that's why you're restrained to your bed. so you can't hurt anyone else until we can figure out how to get you better
she thinks i'm restrained in some bed
she's been out in this Neptunian sun too long

 

by mandingo
2-11-08
boy, i gotta be honest with you. i was a bit worried when you said you'd been in a mental institute, but you've seemed perfectly sane to me and the sex has been FANTASTIC
i can see why you'd be nervous, but trust me, i'm all better now. no more imagining murdering blondes. no more trying to save Neptune... and you're right, the sex HAS been great!
especially that threesome with Rick!
threesome with Rick?
can't she see you?
no, John. only you can see me. only you can save Estonia

 

by mandingo
2-15-08
please! save the jewelry! it's been passed down for generations!
please! save the stock certificates! they're worth thousands!
i'm sorry, ma'am, i couldn't find any of those things. but look who i did find!
why would i want their cat?

 

by mandingo
2-18-08
you're still here?... ...it's over... ...go home... ... ...go.
finally. that was starting to remind me of the 2 hours it took to convince that retarded girl to put her Gummi Bears into my pants pocket, way deep down
Ferris!
Doc? what are you doing here?
it's your kids, Ferris! and Rooney! and hot oils! you gotta come back with me, Ferris! back to the future!

 

by mandingo
2-19-08
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer!
take one down, pass it around!
99 bottles of beer on the wall!

 

by mandingo
3-04-08
from now on all my comics are going to be written while listening to Hot Butter's synth hit Popcorn!
cool.
and i'm only gonna be using zany characters! like this one!
Hill Street Blues!
awesome.
still be brutally raping you though. you know...
...for luck. right.

 

by mandingo
3-06-08
sorry, Mrs. Ostertag, you can't go in
you're kidding, right? this is my house.
not for another 20 minutes it's not
are you sure this is gonna get me an "A", Mr. Ostertag?
you bet. i'll even throw in a "nal"

 

by mandingo
3-07-08
Santa! someone's trying to sully your good name! while doing your taxes, i found falsified documents showing large cash sums deposited to your account by drug cartels every December 26th!
Ho Ho Holy Fuckbean! you'll have to tell my lawyer about this! he'll know what to do!
...deposited every December 26th! he said you'd know what to do, being his lawy... ...wait, if you're a lawyer, why are you wearing a labcoat?
he looks good, doc. chop him off at the knees, fit him for a costume, and send him over to the workshop with the others.

 

by mandingo
3-12-08
BRAINS!!!
BRAINS!!!
BRAINS!!!
BRAINS!!!
BRAINS!!!
Zombie family with a chance to steal. "Name something you do right before going to bed." show me "BRAINS!!!"

 

by mandingo
3-18-08
i'm leaving you, Henry. for this hot tub of buttered popcorn. it's hot. and buttered. you can't compete with that
see you in bed
denial, Henry? really?
last week you were leaving me for a napkin dispenser. the week before that for a prepositional phrase you read in Time magazine
HOW DARE YOU MOCK WHAT SINCE THE FIRE AND I HAD!!!
see you in bed

 

by mandingo
3-20-08
i just ripped this toilet seat off that toilet behind you. get over there and i'll throw it to you
i can't, Ed. you see, i'm not real. i'm a hallucination brought on by a brain tumor. it's what's been causing your erratic behavior lately, which in turn is why your wife left you. you're dying, Ed
plus it's got pee all over it
pussy!

 

by mandingo
3-25-08
christ, we wore the same blue-white color scheme again
well, one of us is gonna have to change! this is embarrassing!
look! we need to start calling each other in the morning so this doesn't keep happening!
you talking to the water cooler again, Joe?

 

by mandingo
3-27-08
good evening, i'm Dan Rather.
IMPOSTER!
no, Dan. just tape delayed. now hurry into the kitchen and get one of those hot sugar cookies i baked up for us
mmm, cookies
CBS News, three hours earlier...
who's he talking to, Stump?
i asked him that once... back when people still called me by my christian name

 

by mandingo
3-28-08
you know, if i could make any porno, you know what i'd do?
what?
i'd hire a dude that had a sex change to become a girl, and a girl who had a sex change to become a dude...
right, right...
and i'd have them beat the Baldwins to death with rebar
that's how all your movies end

 

by mandingo
4-02-08
who the hell would stick a carved pumpkin in my cubicle? it's april for chrissake. and on the day i'm getting a new boss? is someone trying to psyche me out?
Peterson! don't just stand there! get me some coffee, dammit!
coffee, Peterson, coffee!
good, good, Peterson. perfect amount of cream. now listen, Peterson. you're a handsome lad and i've got my needs. so what say i take you for a test drive? hehe
go heavy on the foreplay for a couple minutes. i'm going for my digicam

 

by mandingo
4-06-08
oh man, i'm stoked! i went to nanobot placement today and got assigned to d'roid rage duty! i get to kick some ass when the big guy's on a testosterone berserker!
that's awesome! i went too and got assigned to hem'droid duty!
then he said, "i wonder which it'll be -- waist or inseam."
BAHAHA!

 

by mandingo
4-10-08
sir, what happened here?
she fell
into ziplock bags?
damnedest thing!

 

by mandingo
4-24-08
no gang signs!
then i burst out of there just as quickly as i'd burst in! you should've seen the look on the coroner's face! ...i grabbed you on the way out. i had to have you. so vibrant and full of life
not literally of course

 

by mandingo
5-11-08
30% off, 30% off! lovely, wuvely, 30% off!
Jon, all your friends are girls, you call Michael Bolton psyche up music, and when you see a sale your buttcheeks clench so hard i hear a knuckle crack. when are you finally going to admit you're gay?
i'm not gay! i mean, sure, i had a couple of gay experiences in college, but that's college. who doesn't?
what kind of experiences?
well, the first was 69, and the second was
'70?

 

by mandingo
5-15-08
so the guy bursts in completely naked but says not to worry, he's not a rapist, he's just here to steal a few things. so what did he steal?
my ability to take him at his word
same here
stole my ability twice
only stole it once from me, but then made me steal his
goo

 

by mandingo
5-15-08
this guy behind me was doing the cabbage patch when i walked up to the bus stop. for the last 5 minutes, i've been trying to build up the nerve to turn around and see if he's still doing it
dear god, i think he took it as a mating signal

 

by mandingo
5-17-08
EMERGENCY MEETING AT THE NINJA U.N.!
christopher7murphy and mandingo are planning to have a birthday buddy lovechild! the power of this birthday buddy bastard baby would be ENORMOUS! they must be stopped!
agreed. we'll watch their foreplay but stop them as they're rounding third and "heading" for home
why not just stop them before we see them having sex at all?
well, the only problem with stopping them before we see them having sex at all is that we'd be stopping them before we see them having sex at all

 

by mandingo
5-24-08
this coffee cup is for coffee
this beard is for pie
this coffee cup is now for coffee and pie. especially blueberry
i meant pie as in vagina
this coffee cup is now for coffee, blueberry pie, vagina, the phrase "as in," and your entire wardrobe except for the tie
if you'd have taken the tie, beard would have come at you like a gorilla rapist

 

by mandingo
6-02-08
roar. i'm going to stick it in you
no, no. not roar, RAAAR! and not stick it in you, CORNHOLE YOU!
look, you're the one that wanted to role-play this. i've never even been on the stupid site
come on babe, i said i was sorry. come out of the bathroom
go away!

 

by mandingo
6-02-08
hello, Lisa. your loafs are looking particularly pert today
look, M.C. Escher, i don't care how famous you are. if you don't stop harassing me, i'm going to take out a restraining order. ...and for godsake, man, tuck in your penis! this is a place of business!
um... you're the one that wanted to role-play this
in fact, you know what...
is that a letter opener??
DIE ESCHER DIE!!!

 

alright, put your hands in the air, motherfuckers! ♫just a shorty back in Leeuwarden, saw a staircase in this old bitch' garden...♫
by mandingo, 6-02-08

 

by mandingo
6-06-08
how was your blind date last night?
not good, she kept trying to order long pork at the restaurant
how funny - that's what i call my penis. because it's long and it porks. ...i call vaginas hotpockets
bringing us to what she tried to order for an appetizer
so'd you make some excuse and get the hell out of there?
nope, fucked her. my cock has problems of his own

 

by mandingo
6-06-08
what are you doing?
i'm holding this nun down and punching her in the tits
why?
there are various philosophical, religious, and ethical considerations that went into this decision, all of which i'd be happy to share with you later
right now i'm punching this nun in the tits

 

by mandingo
6-06-08
Sister Sarah, do they call you a nun because that's how many men you've been with?
hehe. no, dear. where did you get that idea?
from Father Half the Choir

Showing page 21.

« Previous Next »