All comics by umfumdisi

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by umfumdisi
8-18-06
Well, we're having a birthday party over here for my little niece. And I was wondering if you would stop whacking weeds for a little while. It's pretty noisy.
Tell you what. Let me get your phone number.
Huh? Okay, it's 555-5375. But why do you need that?
So the next time I take a shit, I can call you first and see if it fits your schedule.
So, I guess that's a "NO"?
RRRRR, RRRRRRR, RRR(fuck off)RRRR, RRRR, R, RRRRRR!!

 

I told you not to put Kel in the overhead compartment!
by umfumdisi, 8-18-06

 

Charlie, stop fucking around with the script!
by umfumdisi, 8-21-06

 

by umfumdisi
8-21-06
I hate door-to-door sales.
The only people who answer their doors any more are loners or looneys.
Or both.

 

You call that a cornholing, dirtbag? It felt like a tiny field mouse was poking my rectum with a toothpick. You disgust me!
by umfumdisi, 8-21-06

 
by umfumdisi, 8-21-06

 

by umfumdisi
8-21-06
It's the constant battle of life versus death out there. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really good enough, honey.
The livelihood, laughter, and very lineage of entire families are constantly at the mercy of these...all too human...hands.
Are you going to use that tongue for blabbering or eating me out?

 
by umfumdisi, 8-21-06

 

by umfumdisi
8-21-06
What's the problem?
You're not allowed to have sheep on a plane.
Step aside, I'll take care of this shit.
Baa.
Say, "Baa," again, motherfucker!

 

by umfumdisi
8-23-06
I keep wanting to make a comic where a baby says something hideous to his dining partner.
I shit in your stromboli.
Not bad...

 
by umfumdisi, 9-05-06

 

by umfumdisi
9-05-06
Randolph, your recent performance review revealed decreased ability...
inattention to detail, and a complete disregard for teamwork and cooperation.
As a result, you've been demoted from Office Manager to Office Mule.
Giddy-Up!

 
by umfumdisi, 9-05-06

 

Have you seen Randolph? I need a ride?
by umfumdisi, 9-05-06

 

For the last time, NO!
The butter is only for lubrication... really.
by umfumdisi, 9-06-06

 

by umfumdisi
9-27-06
Morning, sir, may I take your order?
Does this McDonald's restaurant discriminate on the basis of sexual preference?
Um, no.
Great.
So, what would you like to eat?
MANCAKES AND SAUSAGE!!!

 

by umfumdisi
9-27-06
Enters to wild applause
Thanks, everybody. I'd really LOVE to play some sax for you tonight!
Takes pause, basking in the now raucous, antediluvian cacophony washing over him from the adoring audience
...but I can't. I left my horn in San Francisco.
Flees in terror before the stunned crowd learns their tickets are non-refundable

 
by umfumdisi, 10-05-06

 

by umfumdisi
10-05-06
I see you whippersnappers finally got that water cooler installed.
Yup.
Back in my day when we wanted a drink of water, we had to hike up a mountain, find a stream, cup our hands together to take a drink, and hope like hell that none of the other hermits had pissed in it.
Well, we don't have to worry about urine in this water.
Says you.

 

by umfumdisi
10-05-06
You're late, honey. What took so long?
Sorry, traffic was moving at a snail's pace.

 

by umfumdisi
10-05-06
I'm thinking we should put in new flooring...
What's wrong with dirt?
It's like we live in a cave.
We do.
How do you feel about carpet?
How do you feel about moss?

 

by umfumdisi
10-05-06
Good afternoon, sir. Welcome to Untied Airline. Did you request a regular or kosher meal?
Hermit.
I see. I'll be right back.
Sorry, we don't carry any "hermit" meals. How about a bag of peanuts?
Okay, but you'll have to open the bag and pour the nuts out all around the cabin so I can forage.

 

Gotcha!
by umfumdisi, 10-05-06

 

by umfumdisi
10-12-06
Every Monday morning I come by here and generously place a $5 bill in your cup. Yet every Monday morning after I do so, you pee on my shoes.
I'd really like to keep giving you the five bucks. So how about not peeing on my shoes from now on. Okay? Here's another $5.
Thanks.

 

by umfumdisi
10-13-06
WOW! You handcuffed me to the bedposts. This is going to be so HOT!!
The TV? Don't tell me...you got us some porn. I love you so much right now, Connie!
"Hello and thank you for purchasing my 10-DISC 'Best of' DVD set. I'm Oprah Winfrey."
NOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOO!

 

You're going to heal me, right?
As long as you're paying for dinner.
by umfumdisi, 10-13-06

 

by umfumdisi
10-13-06
Thanks for healing me. I'm going to walk over and see the view again -- just because I can!
Enjoy yourself.
Hee, hee!
Damn it! What's going on around here? They replaced my water with wine AGAIN.

 

by umfumdisi
10-13-06
...and that's why I haven't been to church in a while.
No biggie; church is overrated. If you'll excuse me, I have to go "release the holy ghost."
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I guess you didn't wash your hands then?
Didn't flush, either.

 

by umfumdisi
10-15-06
What's the verdict, Doc?
Nothing serious, bitch; it's just jock itch.
Bitch?
These pills will make you stop scratching your ding. In the future, though, remember one thing...
What?
Wash your meat first, not your feet first.

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-06
Hello there, "unfunny umfum," you should be more like biped.
Ha, ha! Yeah, okay, I'll go along... biped? Who's biped?
No, seriously, you suck. Be more like biped.

 

by umfumdisi
10-18-06
I don't know what to expect on our honeymoon...
All Ivy said was, "It's going to be like the opposite of Wyoming."
Hi, I'm here for the honeymoon. I'm hot, flat, and highly populated.
!

 

by umfumdisi
10-24-06
I paint-a you house; I fuck-a you wife... 50 Dollar.
How much without the wife-fucking?
1000 Dollar.
Hmmm.
Let me tell her you're coming... literally.

 

by umfumdisi
10-28-06
I nail-a you house... I nail-a you wife. 100 Dollar.
Why the price hike?
I was-a here last week.

 

by umfumdisi
10-28-06
Hey fellow earth traveler, I talked to my cousin Randy and he like told me about his gig over here. I'd like to propose something similar.
Check it out: I paint a mural on the ceiling of your bedroom and like the mural is of your naked wife because, get this, she's posing on top of me while we're screwing!
Here, I'll give you five bucks to shut up and go away.
Soup and half-a-sandwich combo, here I come.

 

by umfumdisi
10-28-06
Private Farrah! I have a mission of utmost importance for you.
Sir, yes, Sir!
Major Paranutz is having trouble with his plumbing. Go fix it so he can take his bubbly bath!
Sir, yes, Sir!
Later...
Damn, Private, that took a long time! We suffered heavy losses. You better have fixed that Major's faucet, Farrah.

 

by umfumdisi
11-14-06
"Don't break my heart, my achy-breaky heart. I just don't think it'd understand."
"Cause if you break my heart, my achy-breaky heart, it might...
"FLOOD THE NILE DESTROYING ALL LIFE AND LIVELIHOOD WITHIN ITS BROAD PLAINS!"

 

by umfumdisi
11-14-06
Jacket zipped up under chin, he laughs and jumps in piles again.
A smile here, a photo there...nature makes a leafy chair.
Red, orange, yellow...even brown. The photo fades and leaves me down.

 

by umfumdisi
11-16-06
Well hello, my name is Randy, I'm Pablo's father.
And?
I heard you pay guys $50 to screw your wife.
Actually, the deal is that they perform some other, usually expensive, service. In exchange, I let them screw my wife and pay them $50.
Hmmmm.................. ................................... ...I could go pick up your son's report card!

 

by umfumdisi
11-16-06
In line at the bakery...
I'd pump 'er for a nickel!
Hey, baby, let me butter those buns!
I'd sink my nuts in that dough!
I'd put some English on her muffin!
I wouldn't be ginger with -- Wait a minute, you're not English.
True, but I'd still jump her scones.

 

by umfumdisi
11-16-06
Still at the bakery...
Damn, she's hot! I'd French her baguette!
Yeah, I'd catch her in the rye for sure!
I'd have her cake and eat it, too!
Not to mince words, I'd slap some meat in that pie!
I'd, uh, like to roll in her yeast?
You need a break, bro.

 

by umfumdisi
11-16-06
At the bank...
Whoo-hoo, I'd like to lower her rates!
Yup, I'd compound her interest.
I wonder if that teller would let me make a deposit? And then a withdrawal...then a deposit...then a withdrawal!
Bet that one's into stocks and bondage!
Seriously, I do need to make a withdrawal. Is this line ever going to move?
Line? Yeah, I'd go up her queue in a second!

 

by umfumdisi
11-16-06
At the movies...
Damn, I'd like to preview her features.
Truth! I'd make myself aware of her exits all night long!
I'd put some extra butter on her popcorn!
We could make it a double feature!
I'd show her my running time, alright!
I'd put her reel on my spool and let it roll!

 

by umfumdisi
11-16-06
Closing the bar...
Lookit those bazooms! I'd put her on the rocks.
I'd tap that keg.
I'd give her a shot!
Screw-off scurvy! I'd suck her limes dry!
I'd make her butt wiser! ...Sorry, I'm drunk.
At least you didn't say anything about "head."

 

LA!
by umfumdisi, 11-16-06

 

by umfumdisi
11-30-06
Happy B-day great grandma. Did you make a wish?
Sure did. But I doubt you've gotten me Rip Taylor and a coelacanth.
For what?
A three-way.

 

What'll ya have, chum?
by umfumdisi, 12-07-06

 

by umfumdisi
12-13-06
Is it hot out here or did I just eat my testicles?
What our taste-tester doesn't realize is that we've recently replaced his testes with Altoids. Let's watch...
And why are they so damn minty?

 

by umfumdisi
12-13-06
Sorry, No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.
I'm wearing a shirt.
And I'm wearing shoes.
But I'm still waiting for you to service me.

 

by umfumdisi
12-14-06
Wow! Dragon's Lair 2006! I've been waiting 23 years for this!
Really?
Yeah, Dragon's Lair was my favoritest game of all time!
Really?
I'm gona go get $20 worth of quarters and play it all night!
Really?

 

by umfumdisi
12-14-06
Three minutes later...
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I thought I'd play a little bit while you were getting change.
Oh... How is it?
Exciting. I've already spent $5 and haven't even made it past the opening credits.

Showing page 21.

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