All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
7-20-05
Okay look, you won't give me time I requested well in advance for school, even after you said it was okay. You won't let me have surgery scheduled over a month ago.
Yup, I'm good.
Will you let me have September 3 &4 off so I can be at a religious function? This was planned before I even applied here and I must attend.
I don't think so. We can't just give you a day off because of a [mock] religious thingie [/mock].
Catholics get every Wednesday night off.
But you're asking for an entire weekend for one weekend out of the whole year. There's a difference.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
Okay, one last request: Since I'm going back to school in the fall, I'm going to need to cut down my hours to no less than 30/week.
No, I can't let you do that.
Why the hell not?
If you work less than 40 hours/week, then you're useless to me.
Excuse me?
Frankly, you wouldn't be useful to anyone with that few hours.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
Look, Mel, I'm sorry, but I have to go on that field trip tomorrow. I'll work in the morning, but at noon I'll have to leave.
If you do, then the next day consider it your Decision Day.
What does who now?
You get the day off, unpaid, and have to think about what you did wrong and whether or not you want to coninue with the Wal-Mart family.
Is this a trick question? Cause I think I know my answer already.
Uh-oh. My Managalert is telling me something's wrong.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
I love my mother. I really do.
Look, Mom, I just can't take it anymore.
Stop whining because you didn't get a day off. It has good benefits.
But sometimes I want to throttle her.
Time off is just part of it. My dentist is furious, especially because I also had to cancel my third treatment. Even Diane was scheduled to work on her honeymoon!
Beeeeenefiiiiiiitssss!
I know you're reading this, mom.
It's all these little things that keep building up. Like thousands of tiny papercuts until I'm bled dry and there's just the empty husk where I used to be.
You're throwing away a good thing.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
I don't see why you need to take Christmas off to go see your [mock] family [/mock].
Maybe because I haven't seen them in a long time and I miss them?
Well, I haven't visited my folks at Christmas for nine whole years.
But you have your husband and kids here. I don't have any family in this whole time zone. I spent last Christmas in front of the TV with cats and a bowl of leftovers.
Wal-Mart is your family now! Heil Walton!
Your prices aren't that low.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
I suddenly feel really odd.
What the hell are you?
I'm your guide, here to help you find the right path.
You look an awful lot like my mother.
Well, we are distantly related.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
So, all-knowing guide, what should I do? Stay at Wal-Mart in humiliation, yet security, or take a risk and look for something that will be rewarding?
Let us consult the Great Oracle.
I knew I shouldn't have grabbed lunch at the Wal-Mart deli.
Oh Great Oracle! Give us a sign!
Meow.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
Look, the cat said "meow." Personally, I can't argue. So what's next?
Before we truly dive into your psyche, we need to discover what your true purpose in life is. Take these mushrooms.
I gotta tell you, it can't be any weirder than this.
Then again...
Hrm, I sense you are leaning towards world domination.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
So what is it that you want more than anything in the universe?
A warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.
Try again.
Superman's powers?
Why do I always get the weirdos?
Batman tied up in my bedroom?

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
No! What do you want to do with your life!? What are your dreams?
I want my own rock shop.
Wal-Mart really has broken you, hasn't it?
A super-powered rock shop?

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
So why would you stay at Wal-Mart?
It's a steady job with steady benefits.
And why wouldn't you stay at Wal-Mart?
Every other reason that exists.
Really? Even why lemmings throw themselves off cliffs?
Especially that one.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
So what are you prepared to do to change your life?
Well, what have I been doing?
Goofing off, plodding along, not rising to challenges, settling, letting yourself be stuck in a rut, surrendering to security, being a bit of a bit--
Okay, okay, I get it.
So what will you do to change your life?
I'll start doing the opposite of everything you said. Except the bitch part. I'll do a lot more of that.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
Tell me your goals.
Graduate college by 6, med school, by 10, and a doctor by 14!
That's Doogie Howser.
Oh, in that case, I'd like that damned degree before I'm 40 and possibly a higher income bracket before I'm 60.
Finish this sentence: Wal-Mart is my:
Lord and Savior?

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
Well, despite all the damage done by working for Wal-Mart, I do think you are salvageable.
You need to find your inner strength and breka free of the bonds of--
What the hell are you staring at?
I still wanna know why my spirit guide is my mother.

 

by ivytheplant
7-20-05
Look, forget it. You're hopeless. Just admit you'll be a Wal-Mart flunky for the rest of your life so I can go home already.
What!? No! I can't be a Wal-Mart flunky the rest of my life! I'd sooner have kids!
Sorry, kid. You're hopeless.
What!? NOOOOOOO...
Ivy? Ivy? Are you okay?
Oh thank goodness. It was all a dream. I don't work at Wal-Mart after all!

 

by ivytheplant
7-21-05
Um, Ivy...it's almost 10am. You overselpt.
#$%^$&@!!
Well, I guess I'm really doomed now. Should I bother going in since I only have two hours left, or should I use this time to work on my resume and pick up applications?
Wow, that's a tough one. I guess if you go in, you might get to tell them all to fuck off early.
As much as I'm looking forward to it, it would be kinda annoying though. Would totally screw up with the plan for this comic series.

 

o/^ Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to school I go! With a great "fuck you" to those in blue, hi ho hi ho hi ho! o/^
?
by ivytheplant, 7-21-05

 

by ivytheplant
7-27-05
See, I’m having a hard time caring about customers when I wake up every day praying I don’t have to be here and on the days that I miraculously don’t have to be here, my friends want to come her
I resist the urge to laugh in their faces. It’s much harder to resist the urge to burn it all. But I do my best.
Even though I’m filled with pain and agony every time I look at my resume and see what could have been an actual good career slowly shrivel and die so now I’m left working in this pit,...
wearing the Vest of Shame and hoping each day this place burns down or I am finally put out of my misery. You want to fire me? Please do. At this point, nothing would make me happier.
Which is sad, considering my lifelong dream is to have Superman’s powers. I think even that wouldn’t make me as happy as seeing this pit of human greed be sucked into a sinkhole...
...and be buried far far from humanity.

 

RROOAARR!!
GET A MUFFLER YOU JACKASS!
by ivytheplant, 7-27-05

 

*giggle*
GET A ROOM, YOU WHORE!
by ivytheplant, 7-27-05

 

blah blah blah blah blah blah
SHUT THE HELL UP!
by ivytheplant, 7-27-05

 

GO COWBOYS!
UW SUCKS! *duck*
by ivytheplant, 7-27-05

 

CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG! *shoots off gun*
I'M CALLING THE COPS!
by ivytheplant, 7-27-05

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
by ivytheplant, 7-28-05

 

by ivytheplant
7-29-05
While watering plants at the front entrance...
Crap. It's Door Greeter Daniel, the short Spanish guy who thinks he's a Transylvanian Warlock.
It's too late to turn around and come back later; he's already seen me.
Maybe he'll leave me alone today.
You know dat blood moon we had lasst Halloween? Dat wass my amassing powerss! I am a Transsylvanian warlock!

 

by ivytheplant
8-04-05
So I'm all registered for classes. I only have eight credits though.
Oh my. That's a lot. You're going to have to study.
No shit. Like I hadn't thought of that.
I just think you should slow down.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom.
You'd better study instead of doing anything else. If I see even one comic...

 

by ivytheplant
8-04-05
Where is everyone?
They've been transferred to other departments.
What? All of them?
Yup.
So it's just you and me then?
You've been transferred too.

 

by ivytheplant
8-04-05
When was I transferred?
Two weeks ago, but we kept you here to finish the season. You're also now two pay classes lower.
You mean I've been doing the same work for $1.50 less this whole time and no one bothered to mention it?
Pretty much.
Isn't that illegal or something?
This is Wyoming. Nothing we can do to you is illegal.

 

by ivytheplant
8-04-05
So if everyone's gone, then who is watching Garden Center?
I am.
And when you're not here?
We don't have customers when I'm not here.
Ow.
By the way, I changed your schedule. I hope you can be here during your classes.

 

by ivytheplant
8-04-05
Working in stationary, my new department...
So where are you originally from?
Arkansas. Though I'd rather not think about it.
Wow! Ah'm from Texas!
Um...
Tomorrow I refuse to go back.
It's such a small world!
They're two different states.

 

by ivytheplant
8-04-05
So have you ever been to anywhere else in Why-oming?
I used to live in Kemmerer.
Wow! Ah practically grew up in Evanston!
Neat!
Kill me.

 

by ivytheplant
8-04-05
So when mah dad divorced mah second step-mother...
[static]
...and Ah'm gettin a dee-vorce cause mah husband hit me a couple tahms...
[static]
...and then mah children, bless them...
Naked Batman...

 

by ivytheplant
8-04-05
So what do you think of the boys in Garden Center?
They're cool.
You're the only other feee-male Ah've seen work there.
There's a couple female cashiers.
Ah'm jest glad to have another fee-male around.
Women like you are the reason I get along better with men.

 

by ivytheplant
8-05-05
I need you to work in Garden Center today.
I dunno. I'm not being paid for it.
I'll recode you for Garden.
Fine. So why do you need me all of a sudden.
There's not enough people to cover the area.
I can't imagine why.

 

by ivytheplant
8-05-05
I'm going home. There's no one in Garden Center.
Where is everyone?
Carlos, Joe, Fred, Carol, Diane, Britney, Garrett, Josh, Erik, and Jesus all got transferred out of Garden, leaving no coverage after 5pm.
That's unacceptable! Who would do such a thing!?
Actually, you did it.
I'm a manager. I don't make mistakes.

 

by ivytheplant
8-05-05
We're closing the Garden Center register at the end of August.
Why the hell would we do that?
Garden season is over.
But we're also the seasonal department. As in Christmas crap. What will we do then?
People don't buy that much stuff here over Christmas.
Ow.

 

by ivytheplant
8-09-05
That will be $5.13.
So this steak claims to be "professionally cut in store by Gary."
Yeah?
I guess I'll find out when I get home just how well Gary knows his meat.
From what the girls in dairy said, he's pretty knowledgeable.
That is so not kosher.

 

by ivytheplant
8-12-05
Overheard at work..
Didja hear 'bout that new law they passed?
No, what did they do now?
If they catch you drinking and driving with your kids in the car, they can take them away!
What!? That's an outrage!
I don't know where I'm going to find someone to drive me.
Stupid government sticking their nose where it doesn't belong!

 

by ivytheplant
8-16-05
It Came From eBay!
Aiiiieeee!! What have I done!?
RARG!
Buffy, the Television Pundit Slayer
No spin zone! No spin zone! Sqwaaaak!
KiiiYAH!
The 1,001 Fastfood Lawsuits
Why me?
This is going to hurt you a lot more than it's going to hurt me.

 

by ivytheplant
8-16-05
While pulled over...
Alright, ma'am. That there looks like some illegal substance. I'm going to have to confiscate that and take you in.
It's catnip.
It might be, but that there looks like a whole maryjewana bud there.
That's because it's the super expensive catnip.
Yeah, sure lady.
Look, I have three cats...

 

by ivytheplant
8-16-05
I'm sorry, ma'am but I will have to take you in for the night.
Look, I have a receipt. Call the store.
Well, everything checks out. But I'll be watching you.
I'm growing my own next time.

 

by ivytheplant
8-16-05
Hey Ivy! Why so glum?
I did all this work to change the name on my badge and no one's noticed.
Really? What's different?
It now says "Flora."
Well it just looks so much like your real name, you silly goose!
Wednesday I'm coming to work naked and see if anyone notices.

 

by ivytheplant
8-16-05
Okay, I'm showered, dressed, ate my breakfast, and brushed my teeth.
Here's your MP3 player. Battery all charged.
Okay, now I should be able to withstand the onslaught of 9 hours of crappy soft pop.
Don't forget to listen to at least 3 parental advisory songs on full blast.
Wish me luck.
Godspeed.

 

by ivytheplant
8-16-05
Sex...
I am Batman!
Thank you, Lord, for this bounty I am about to receive...
Superpower...
Using my mind, I've willed dinosaurs to come back to life and rampage down crowded city streets!
Must...eat...fratboys...
Resignation letter...
"Thank you for hiring me when my prospects were completely nil. As much as I enjoyed being humiliated on a daily basis by customers and managers alike, I must leave for other adventures..."
"Enclosed is a printout of all the comics I made while working here."

 

by ivytheplant
8-16-05
Every time I'm on the phone with an account...
And your middle name?
M.
"M" as in Mary?
Oh, no. That's the first initial.
Every goddamn time...
Your middle name is...?
Hang on, I'm trying to remember.

 

by ivytheplant
8-17-05
Did my indicator bulbs come in yet?
Not that I've seen.
Damn! I'm never going to get them installed in the car!
I bet you could buy new blinker bulbs at the auto part store.
You foolish, foolish boy...
Whenever you say that, chills run down my spine.

 

by ivytheplant
8-17-05
So if you can't buy new bulbs at the auto part store, then just what kind of indicators are they?
You know my habit of collecting Cold War era trinkets?
Oh no...
I have all sorts of cool switches and indicators made for the nuclear missile silos.
This can't end well.
Oh come on! Don't tell me you've never wanted to push a self-destruct button.

 

by ivytheplant
8-21-05
You've had five new absences in this 6 month period. I'm going to have to reprimand you.
What? Three of those I was sick, one day I had class, and the other you said I could have off!
No I didn't.
Yes you did! I know, I was there!
This attendance problem has to stop.
What is wrong with you people?

 

by ivytheplant
8-21-05
You need to type up an action plan detailing how your behavior is going to change.
But I didn't do anything.
You need to turn it into me tomorrow and we can go from there.
Why do you people have to give cheesy Dilbert-esque names to everything?
I hope you'll choose to remain a member of the Wal-Mart family.
That's it. My new role as a member of the Wal-Mart family will be "black sheep."

 

by ivytheplant
8-21-05
So have you written your action plan yet?
Actually I wrote four.
http://naughtypics.lackofoxygen.net/actionplan1.JPG http://naughtypics.lackofoxygen.net/actionplan2.JPG
Four?
One's what you want to hear, one's moderate, one's brutally honest, and one's insulting.
http://naughtypics.lackofoxygen.net/actionplan3.JPG http://naughtypics.lackofoxygen.net/actionplan4.JPG
Well, where are they?
I'm still trying to decide which one to give you.

Showing page 22.

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