All comics by mandingo

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by mandingo
6-09-08
i've decided to become a pacifist to control my short temper. watch--call my wife a dirty whore and tell me you've fucked her
sure, that should be easy since your wife is a dirty whore and i have fucked her
in the poop shoot
hey, Joe, do pacifists get mulligans?
couldn't tell ya. but what say you stop pissing on old Pete there and we go look it up on wikipedia

 

by mandingo
6-10-08
RAAAR! TABOR THE ROBAT WILL SUCK YOU OFF!!!
you're going to what now? suck me...
*glorp glorp*
!
THAT'LL BE 20 BUCKS!
DOUBLE OR NOTHING!

 

by mandingo
6-16-08
hey, Joe, how was your Father's Day?
not good. i got raped by my son
did you just say...
that's right. raped. by my son.
dear god why??
he said i'm too hard to shop for

 

"but isn't hydrogen flammible?" you're a right cunt, Rog! now stop being an arse, and let's go get on that Zeppelin and have at that american poon we've heard so much about!
by mandingo, 6-16-08

 

by mandingo
6-21-08
called strike three! and it's in the zone with AutoZone! now let's check with our Rolaid's relief cam to see who's warming up in the Outback Steakhouse bullpen...
but wait... there's a fan on the field! he's squirting lighter fluid on all the corporate insignia and setting it ablaze! now he's taking a big meaty shit on the third base bag! that was amazing!
let's look at it again on the Pepsi Shit on a Base Replay...

 

by mandingo
6-23-08
that game in the background features me. it's kind of like that Zoltar machine from "Big", except instead of being turned into a grownup when i win, i get raped by a horde of ostriches when i lose
GAME ON, YOU FLIGHTLESS FUCKS!

 

by mandingo
6-24-08
it's illegal to smoke indoors at this mall
it's illegal to smoke outdoors within 30 yards of a mall entrance
is it illegal to kick mall security in the balls till he drops to the floor, vomiting blood and a greenish, clumpy, unindentifiable mucus that will be written up in JAMA posthumously??
don't know. ask me a smoking one

 

by mandingo
6-26-08
have you gone to visit Joe since he had his right brain stroke?
nah. seeing him that way would only depress me
FEET!!!
i go visit that FEET!!! guy instead

 

by mandingo
6-26-08
the boat's sunk and you're drifting free in the Pacific, a thousand miles from land. John, John, John, how do you keep finding yourself in these predicaments?
i'll tell you how! you stabbed the entire crew then asked if any of the passengers had naval experience and stabbed the ones that said yes!
then the ones that said no, then everyone else! i seem to be the only one you spared and that's only because i was so scared shitless, i answered, "Nissan Stanza!"
i also would have accepted the Volkswagen Jetta and the Geo Storm. Volkswagen Jetta. Geo Storm.

 

by mandingo
6-27-08
wanna hear a joke?
sure
an irishman, an irishman, an irishman, an irishman, an irishman, an irishman, an irishman, an irishman, an irishman, an irishman, an irishman, an irishman, and an irishman
walk into a bar...

 

by mandingo
6-27-08
Mr. Krieg, have you ever thought about the human soul?
oh, sure, Josh. the way i see it, the idea of a soul continuing after our physical form dies is flawed. it's comforting, and arises from our fear of death, but just not true. once you accept that...
then it just becomes the old mind-body problem, right? am i the sum of my neurons? do i have free will or is everything predetermined? that kind of thing.
exactly. the soul then becomes an expression of the gestalt whole that the sum of the parts fails to capture. it's almost as if chaos theory wrestling with causality is the essence of our existence.
and that's why we're raping these 3rd graders?
and that's why, Josh. and that's why.

 

by mandingo
6-30-08
you just killed that guy!
i hate you!
I HATE YOU!
what did you think Daddy did for a living, Mark?

 

by mandingo
7-02-08
IF YOU LITTLE SHITS DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP AND READ YOUR CHAPTER, I'M GONNA EAT YOUR SOULS!!!
BUT NOT BEFORE FACE RAPING YOU!!!
i'm sorry, you were saying?

 

by mandingo
7-02-08
i'm the Poverty Bee! i'm poor! and a bee!
though i guess just saying my name conveys both those points. i suppose there's no real reason to repeat it. what else could it possibly mean?
Tee Oh Pee. Ar Ay Em Ee En. Top Ramen.
CORRECT! Unfortunately, our judges say you're still poor.

 

by mandingo
7-03-08
what are you doing?
shhh! i'm listening carefully for the tumblers to fall as i turn the dial on this safe
that's not a safe, that's my front door. and that's not a dial, that's my doorbell
AHA! if that's the case then why did the door spring open at my touch!
because i married too young
Gemini. you?

 

by mandingo
7-04-08
how's your day been going, Bob?
not good. i dropped a bomb in the bathroom earlier to celebrate the 4th of July...
yeah, me too
no, a cherry bomb. but i didn't see Earl there. the explosion blew his arms off and fused him with a urinal cake, forming a freakish ManCake superhero. who knows what fiendish powers he possesses??
shapeshifting, for one
inducing copious amounts of shit, for another

 

by mandingo
7-04-08
you ever get the feeling the perfect girl for you has come and gone and you didn't even realize it was her?
sort of. except i realize it. her name was Mary. i met her in a bar in Topeka, Kansas, May 8th, 2004. but i said the wrong thing...
and I never saw her again...
christ, that's terrible. what did you say?
so you like it sloppy?

 

by mandingo
7-05-08
what was the name of that show we watched in college where the Swede was all, "Get off my land, filthy Eskimo!" and the Eskimo was all, "This is the land of my fathers, stinkin Swede!"
not ringing any bells
and the Swede would run at the Eskimo screaming, "SWEDE SWEDE SWEDE SWEDE!!!" and the Eskimo would run at the Swede shouting, "ESKIMO ESKIMO ESKIMO ESKIMO!!!"
haven't a clue
come on! how can you not remember this?? Heather Locklear did partial nudity in season 3!
oh, right. Eskimo and the Swede

 

by mandingo
7-05-08
if you were drunk enough would you let a guy suck your cock?
is the guy Steve?
what? no. just some guy at a party say
does he look like Steve?
sure. whatever. if that helps
oh yeah. that helps. that helps BIGTIME

 

by mandingo
7-07-08
wow! my gloves are the same color as your shirt!
yeah
so why don't YOU wear my gloves and I'LL wear your breasts in my mouth
fuck off.
great idea! we'll have a Fuck-Off!

 

by mandingo
7-08-08
hey, dad! let's run down there and burn one of those trees!
no, son. let's walk down and burn them all.

 

by mandingo
7-11-08
sir, would you like to sign a petition to make it legal for same-sex couples to get married?
i would, but for them that's just a gateway drug to child rearing
then would you like to sign this petition requiring PBS to play more gay programming?
BJ and the Bear? thank you, no

 

by mandingo
7-11-08
freeze, pepperjack, you're under arrest!
pepperjack?
did you just try to insult me by calling me a type of cheese?
you know, it's weird. i was thinking "dirtbag," but it came out wrong. i must still be stuck on the FANTASTIC sandwich my wife made me for lunch
that's funny, i just robbed a lady that had some tasty sandwiches in her fridge. your wife, she wouldn't happen to be about 5'3", curly hair, decidely anti-analrape?

 

by mandingo
7-16-08
don't go in there, squirrel
i have to, Zeke. you know that as well as i. you're a good man, a good friend, but i have to do this, and i have to do it alone. it's my fight, not yours.
if you could just help me with the doorknob

 

by mandingo
7-16-08
who do you think would win in a fight: Tyson in his prime, or Ali in his prime.
Tyson. motherfucker was built like a shit brickhouse.
do you mean a "brick shithouse"?
yeah, i did. not even sure what the other thing would mean
...BUT, on the PLUS side, says here it has central air!

 

by mandingo
7-16-08
mom's mean! i'm gonna run away!
i'm hungry, but i don't want her to know i want to come back home... i know! i'll go to Mr. Neder's house! he'll listen to me and feed me cookies and call mom and tell her he's MAKING ME go back home!
OR he'll rape me in his basement for 10 years until i finally free myself by gnawing off my left arm and ambushing him with garden shears on his way down the stairs!

 

by mandingo
7-19-08
mommy and daddy always shut me out of the house when they're fooling around
mommy and the milkman too
mommy and the 1978 Pittsburgh Pirates make me watch and keep a box score

 

by mandingo
7-19-08
stealthily, he stalks his prey until the moment... he... STRIKES!
WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?!
capricorn
stealthily, he glides away from the clingy, crazy bitch...

 

by mandingo
7-20-08
get into the chamber, Bunny Man, and i shall reverse the process, separating the bunny from the man
you fool. you cannot separate the bunny from the man. you can only hope to contain them. apart from each other. in cages
that's kind of what i meant by separate
pride cometh before the fall, doctor. answer me this then: to which will you sustain on carrots and which prefers the Lumberjack Slam?
i was thinking carrots for the bunny and Lumberjack Slam for the man
we just have all the answers, don't we?

 

by mandingo
7-22-08
Mr. Leno, why did you take the N n off our wall?
sorry, kid. i paid to have that letter deleted from the alphabet. so _ow, whe_ the surveys go out aski_g, "Do you watch Le_o," people are forced to circle the Y! i_ fact, i believe...
yeppers
yes. legal says i ca_, without co_seque_ce, _ow comme_ce whooping your little mo_key ass for usi_g it

 

by mandingo
7-23-08
so then what?
...right, so there i am, raping the two whiny bitches when this little girl runs up shouting, "Wait! You're God! Aren't you supposed to be the good one??"
HAHAHAH
HAHAHAH
so then what?
...right, so there i am, raping the three whiny bitches...

 

by mandingo
7-24-08
i'm a man. i have free will. i can choose, dammit. choose to walk through the door of this brothel and have wild lusty sex with a beautiful woman, or walk away and remain faithful to my loving wife
no, you know what? i'm going home to her. i'm gonna tell her how close i came and beg her forgiveness
i'm in here, Pete

 

by mandingo
7-24-08
now i know the fire might have singed your eyes a little when i was carrying you out, but don't worry. it's happened to me hundreds of times and my vision's still perfect
meanwhile...
man it's hot in here!
wish i had someplace to sit

 

by mandingo
7-25-08
fuck you
Fuck you.
FUCK YOU IN THE ASS WITH YOUR MOM'S HAIRDRYER!!! ...haha! deaf people are fun!

 

by mandingo
7-25-08
nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger Eleanor Roosevelt nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger nigger
what are you doing?
there's a sick joke contest and i can't think of anything sicker than Eleanor Roosevelt gangbanged at Kentucky Fried. if i could just think of a word that rhymes with nigger, i have the perfect ending
bigger
if that's word association, i'm dumping your ass

 

by mandingo
7-27-08
you and John go all the way yet?
yep. first time, last night
how was it?
not so good
he couldn't get you off?
oh, i came my brains out. he has mad tongue skills. no, the problem arose about 30 seconds before starting when he duct taped my booklight to his forehead

 

by mandingo
7-27-08
what's wrong with him, doctor?
catatonia, i'm afraid. he's been this way since he was 12 and accidentally walked in on his parents having anal
wasn't there another case on file like this? George Jeffries, i think. but his catatonia only lasted 2 months
right, but with the Jeffries boy the father was the pitcher

 

by mandingo
7-27-08
um... you're blocking my mailbox
Post Office Box Man does not block, he guards. he guards free communication through the paper medium. he guards it for all
hey, didn't i go to high school with you?
POST OFFICE BOX MAN DOES NOT TALK ABOUT THE BEFORE TIME!!!! IT BURNS!!!! IT BUUUUURNS!!!!

 

by mandingo
7-29-08
They say we all lose 21 grams at the exact moment of our death. Everyone. How much fits into 21 grams? How much is lost? How much goes with them?
Twenty-one grams. The weight of a stack of five nickels.
The weight of a hummingbird.
A chocolate bar.
Ramen and Mr. Pib.

 

by mandingo
7-31-08
...and so to know that we're all the same energy is to know we're all just freckles on mother earth's breasts, and to know that is to love one another. Amen.
what the hell kind of cult is this? all they've talked about is love and peace and the environment. i wanted to see some crazy shit. this has been lame as fuck
AND NOW WE PLUNGE THE UNDERWEAR MODEL!!!
teehee
so, what did you think, Brother Greg?
to be honest, i've got mixed feelings. most of it was boring as hell, but that said, it's been 20 minutes since they carted the redhead away and it seems pretty clear to me that i'm still cumming

 

by mandingo
8-03-08
sorry, chicken, your time has come
it's okay. i've lived a long, happy life. i think i'm ready. just one question - they say you can't take it with you. is that true?
nope. you're allowed one bag.
one sec, then
yeah, god's pretty cool that way. the only thing in the entire universe that i've ever seen him not let somebody bring in is kiddy porn
one sec, then

 

whatcha got there?
it's a novel i just started called When He Asks What You're Reading, Eat Him
by mandingo, 8-06-08

 

by mandingo
8-08-08
government was cracking down on us about affirmative action. we had to hire another black guy besides Randall
Randall? Randall's not black. he's Hawaiian
what, and there's no blacks in Hawaii?
think before you speak, Todd.

 

by mandingo
8-08-08
...so what i'm thinking is YOU take over as God for the next couple eons. just enough time to give me a break, you know?
wow, really?
you bet, gare. you'd have infinite knowledge, and nearly infinite power.
nearly?
no raping. not even a little. not even around the edges. it's an OSHA thing

 

by mandingo
8-09-08
i'm sorry, ma'am, i can't give you the position of men's locker room attendant. i feel the gender difference would be inappropriate
sexist.
i'm sorry, sir, i can't give you the construction job. it requires a lot of physical labor, and at 93, i don't think you could handle it
ageist.
i'm sorry, sir, i can't give you the orderly position. as a previous resident of this nursing home, i worry our prior encounters would undermine my authority
rapist.

 

by mandingo
8-11-08
it's okay if you want to sleep with me
what?
if you want to sleep with me. you should know. it's okay
i'm not sleeping with you
NOT OKAY!

 

by mandingo
8-11-08
like this?
no, no. more wrist deflection.
how bout now?
i think you're ready.
"truth be told, i don't know what the fuck we cut out of you, ma'am. looked like a tumor but tasted like taco meat"
go get em, champ

 

by mandingo
8-11-08
we did it, Mr. Johnson! we saved the world from the... from... i'm sorry, i'm not feeling too well
i feel it too. it feels kinda hot... too hot... it feels...
...WRONG, MR. JOHNSON! IT FEELS WRONG!
DEAR GOD, WE'RE BEING DISSOLVED OUT OF EXISTENCE! THE TERROR OF NOTHINGNESS! THE ULTIMATE PAIN OF NON-BEING!!!! GRAWKLEAAGRG!!!
i'm sorry, miss, but your grampa passed away last night. it should comfort you to know that he went peacefully in his sleep

 

by mandingo
8-12-08
EAT YOUR CEREAL! EAT YOUR FUCKING CEREAL!! RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY!! RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!! EAT YOUR GODDAMN CEREAL!!!!!!!
dad? what are you doing with Karen's doll?
OH GOD, JULIE, I'M SO SORRY! I'M SO SO SORRY! *SOB* I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S DEAD!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET HER DIE!! *SOB* IT'S UNBEARABLE!!!! I CAN'T TAKE THE PAIN!!!!
or at least i couldn't take the pain if it weren't for the frosted side!
cut! print! perfecte!

 

by mandingo
8-13-08
hey, Rog, whatcha up to?
i'm watching this South Park episode where they rip on Family Guy for forcing in tangential jokes that have nothing to do with the plot
yeah, but Family Guy's jokes are funny. way funnier than South Park nowadays
but it doesn't flow from the plot. anyone can just be funny 20 times an episode, but 1 or 2 plot-specific jokes in a half hour, now that's real comedic genius
but they come up with lots of funny new stuff every show. it's not like they're just beating the same tangential joke into the ground every time. i think we can both agree that would be pretty lame
wait, wait, hold on. they're about to kill Kenny

Showing page 22.

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