All comics by biped

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by biped
7-09-05
Me's bo-bo still hurts, Mommy! *sniff* Me needs puppy-kissies and sucky-snugglies!
AWWWWW! Come to Mommy, widdle snookums!
SSSUUUCCK!!! *smack* Oo's taste funny, Mommy!
Huh? Must be my new prescription. Don't worry, sweety-pie, it won't affect you.
WOOF-WOOF, Mommy!
GAAAAAAAA!!! SNOOKUMS!!!

 

by biped
7-09-05
DONNIE TURN INTO DOGGY, MISTER DOCTOR-MAN!
"SUPER-POWERED" DOGGY, that is! The combination of rabies, radioactivity, and your Mother's herpes medication have created a FREAK OF SCIENCE!
WAAAAA-HAAAAA!!! DONNIE NOT WANT BE SCIENCE FREAK!!! WAAAAAA!!!
Awww, don't cry, little doggy. Look -- I'm a funny clown.
DONNIE SCARED OF CLOWNS!!! CLOWNS MAKE DONNIE CRY!!! WAAAAAAA!!!
THAT DOES IT! I'M SICK OF ANTI-CLOWN INTOLERANCE! I'M GOING TO DESTROY THE WORLD!

 

by biped
7-09-05
DIE!!! EVERYBODY DIE!!! FEEL THE MERCILESS WRATH OF BO-ZOR THE TERRIBLE!!!
But...if him kill everybody...him kill...MOMMY! DONNIE-DOG STOP BAD CLOWN!
What...what's happening to me?
DONNIE-DOG USE NEW MIND POWERS TO MAKE BAD CLOWN TURN INTO NICE KITTY CAT!
Meow, meow!
DONNIE-DOG SAVE WORLD AND MOMMY! FROM NOW ON, DONNIE-DOG USE POWERS TO PROTECT WORLD AND MOMMY!

 

by biped
7-09-05
...and so, once again, the world has been saved from destruction by the mysterious... DOGGY-MAN!
ME DON -- I mean, ME DOGGY-MAN! ME SAVE YOU, MOMMY!
DONNIE! A NEW SUPER-FOE IS THREATENING TO DESTROY THE WORLD...AND ME!
HURRY, MOMMY! ME NEED SPECIAL SUCKY-SNUGGLIES...TURN INTO DOGGY-MAN!
"DOGGY-MAN!!! MIGHTY GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE!!! FIGHTING A NEVERENDING BATTLE AGAINST EVIL...FOR TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN WAY!!!"
AND MOMMY!!!

 

by biped
7-15-05
GOSH, Farmer Green...you've got the BIGGEST COCK I ever saw! How did it get so BIG?
Oh, I reckon it's cuz I PLAY with it so dang much!
You mean, playing with your COCK makes it BIGGER?
Why, SURE! Cocks need exercise too! It helps 'em grow up BIG 'N' STRONG!
Wow! Is having such a big cock ever a problem for you?
Well...the dang thing wakes me up early every mornin'! It's always up before I am!

 

by biped
7-19-05
(Gasp!) THE GRIM REAPER! What are YOU doing here?
Oh, the Angel of Death dropped me off -- I told him I'd get back on my own -- but -- HA HA! I'm here to CLAIM YOUR SOUL! MWUH-HUH-HEHH!
RATS! Oh well...I never would've gotten off this desert island anyway...
DESERT ISLAND? WHAT THE FUCK!?! I can't get off of it either!
Well, I thought so. But you're sure about the"claiming my soul" thing --?
SHUT UP!! I'M THINKING HERE!!

 

by biped
7-19-05
Why does this have to happen everywhere we go? It's EMBARRASING!
Hey, baby! You knew about my Grim Reaper gig when we got hitched up!
Well, everybody's dead. I hope you at least get some kind of bonus from this.
How does TWO WEEKS IN CANCUN sound, sugarbumps? I even saved up all my SICK DAYS!
Well, I thought so. But you're sure about the two weeks?
We'll be diggin' SAND outta our BUTT CRACKS for a MONTH, dollface!!

 

by biped
7-20-05
SCOTTY! IS THE TRANSPORTER REPAIRED YET? EMERGENCY!
WE NEED TO BEAM UP NOW! THIS PLANET'S ABOUT TO EXPLODE!
Oh, AYE! She's jury-rigged up a real treat (HIC!) Beamin' ye oop faster 'n' ah kin fahrt "Lum Hat Wantin' The Croon"! (FRRRT!)
Scotty, you BASTARD!
I'll GET you for this, you ALKY DICKHEAD!

 

by biped
7-20-05
POSSUMS! OHHH, POSSUMS!
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT NOW, MOMMY! TESS NEXT DOOR WAS THIS CLOSE TO BLOWIN' ME!
I heard you been messin' round wit de white girls again. This gots to stop, boy --
DAMN IT, MOM! I'm WHITE! When the hell will you get that through your THICK FUCKING SKULL --
Bull-SHIT you is white! You done come outta MY loins! And dey is BLACK LOINS!
Yeah? Well, a WHITE DICK must'a got stuck in them BLACK LOINS when you weren't lookin'!

 

by biped
7-24-05
I could explain to you about chemical reactions of hydrocarbons to lunchmeat, but then I'd have to assassinate President Kennedy...again.
I assassinated Martin Luther King...TWICE! BECAUSE he explained the chemical reactions of hydrobarbons to lunchmeat to me...TWICE!
I ASSASSINATED ABRAHAM LINCOLN A HUNDRED TIMES BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T TICKLE MY SCROTUM A HUN -- hey, where are you going?
I'm off to assassinate a WHOLE BUNCH of REALLY IMPORTANT world leaders! Later, ASSHOLE!
SHE SHOT MY DAD!
MINE, TOO! THEY WERE JUST TOO IMPORTANT TO LIVE!

 

by biped
7-24-05
I could explain to you about chemical reactions of hydrocarbons to lunchmeat, but I'd rather tell you about Mr. Winky-Dinky Bear and the three puppies.
OH BOY, ME LOVE MR. WINKY-DINKY BEAR! But me never hear the story about the three puppies...tell me about them! Tell me! TELL ME!
NO! I WILL CUT A BIG HOLE IN YOUR BACK AND PUT THE STORY IN THERE INSTEAD!
HURRY UP! CUT ME OPEN AND PUT THE STORY ABOUT MR. WINKY-DINKY BEAR AND THE THREE PUPPIES IN THERE! NOW!
...and...and she died while I was trying to put the story in the hole...I didn't know how... I...DIDN'T... KNOW... HOW...
Huh. Well, I didn't kill anybody. I'm just here because I won a horse-masturbating contest on "Fear Factor."

 

by biped
7-25-05
Mornin', my li'l possums, did you sleep goo -- GAAAH! You is done turned BLACK!
I have? Oh, no! I mean...COOL!
YO, homefries! I be's chillin'! Does you be's chillin'? SOLID, MY MAN!
...what de fuck was dat?

 

by biped
7-27-05
I have a big dick. Would you like to see it.
Yes. I would like to see the big dick.
Gosh. This dick is so big. Have sex with me. With your big dick. Squirrel.
Okay.
Mom. I just had sex. With a squirrel.
Omigod. Did it. At least. Have a big dick.

 

by biped
7-27-05
You will make a wonderful addition to our special "family", Schlutzy. Dorothy will be so thrilled to meet you.
Oh, boy! Gee thanks, New Dad!
Hi, New Mom! I'm --
YAAAAAAAAAA!!! FUCKITY FUCK-FUCK!!! OH, MY BLEEDING GOMPERS!!! KILL IT!!! KILL!!! KILL!!! KILL!!!
Well, you were gone ten minutes. That's a new record.
Yay...

 

by biped
7-27-05
What if Christopher Columbus had sent ROBOTS in search of a shorter route to China instead of going himself? The so-called "New World" would've been discovered by ROBOTS!
Skkrrttzzz...
...and what if ROBOTS had been the first to land on the moon instead of those two clowns named Neil and Buzz? You'd be looking up at a ROBOT moon every night!
...the history assignment wasn't a "what if" exercise, Skkrrttzzz...
And what if HUMAN teachers were all replaced with ROBOT teachers! You'd be SHUCKING OYSTERS for some FAT CAJUN BASTARD IN THE MIDDLE OF A SWAMP, YOU --
THAT'S IT, SKKRRTTZZZ! I'M DEACTIVATING YOU UNTIL YOUR MOTHER COMES TO PICK YOU UP THIS AFTERNOON!

 

by biped
8-01-05
HEY JEFF!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT STICK IN YOUR MOUTH!!! IT'S ON FIRE!!! OH NO!!! CALL THE FIRE STATION!!!
NO, JOEY!!! THESE ARE CIGARETTES!!! I STOLE THEM FROM MY DAD'S DESK!!! THEY MAKE YOU LOOK REALLY COOL!!!
MOM!!! JEFF HAD A FLAMING STICK IN HIS MOUTH TODAY AND SAID IT MADE HIM COOL!!! GEE WHIZ!!! WILL I HAVE TO DO THAT TOO TO BE REALLY COOL!!!
NO, JOEY!!! THOSE ARE CIGARETTES! THEY ARE VERY BAD FOR YOU!!! JEFF SHOULD NOT BE SMOKING!!! I'M GOING TO CALL HIS MOM RIGHT NOW!!!
HEY, JEFF!!! MY MOM SAID THAT WHAT YOU WERE DOING WAS BAD AND THAT YOU SHOULDN'T DO IT!!! BUT NOW WE CAN PLAY VIDEOGAMES AND STUFF!!!
NO, JOEY!!! YOU TATTLED ON ME AND MY MOM TOOK AWAY ALL MY VIDEOGAMES AND LOCKED ME IN MY ROOM!!! NOW I HAVE NOTHING TO EAT!!! THANKS A LOT JOEY!!!

 

Factory-reject condoms! Ten bucks for a thousand! YEE-HAA! LET'S GO, BEH-BEH!
by biped, 8-01-05

 

by biped
8-04-05
And you say your new skin cream will take years off my appearance?
Yes, ma'am -- I mean, sir. "Captain Super Skin" skin cream is guaranteed.
Well then, ha-ha, I guess I'll try a bottle of it. What harm could it possibly do?
Great, ma'am -- I mean, sir. If you have any problems, just drop by the main office and ask for "Eric."
Hi Eric!
Oh no!

 

by biped
8-04-05
And you say your new skin cream will bring about a definite change in my appearance?
Yes, mommy -- I mean, ma'am. You won't recognize yourself after using "Captain Super Skin."
Well, give me a thousand bottles of it, then. I'll use them all at one time and really get some results.
Okay, mommy -- I mean, ma'am. If you have any adverse reactions or anything, just drop by the main office and ask for "Eric."
Hi Eric!
Oh no!

 

by biped
8-04-05
I'm freshly-bathed... my hair is combed... I'm wearing my best suit... surely my dear Agnes will look upon me with favor tonight.
Oh...it's you. Well, at least you coulda zipped up your pants before you rang the doorbell. My god -- I can see your tiny penis.
I...I brought you...some flowers...my d-darling...
Good, they'll help cover up that horrible stench -- OH MY GOD, IT'S YOU! WHAT'D YOU DO, SHIT IN YOUR PANTS? FUCK! I'M GONNA THROW UP! GGGYYEECCCHH!!!
Whatcha readin' there, Butch?
"How To Disappear Completely."

 

by biped
8-07-05
Well, there's no doubt about it now...the killer is executing people who have committed one of the "seven deadly sins."
Wow, I'm impressed...that's some surprisingly clever detective work for a total fucking shit-for-brains dickhead like you, fuckface.
Thanks. I guess there's nothing left to do now but -- hey, wait a minute! "Fuckface"?
Hmm...I wonder who the next "seven deadly sins" victim will be?

 

by biped
8-07-05
FUCKING FUNERALS! SHIT! Well, time to get DRUNK!
But -- it was your MOM!
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! Shuck them clothes off, baby! Let's FUCK!
OMIGOD, where...where's the BABY? I left him with YOU!
Heee-hehehehe-heeeeeeeeeee!
Ma-ma? Da-da?

 

by biped
8-08-05
Oh, there ya are! Did you have a good time? (BURP!)
Goo-goo...
HEY!!! WHERE'S THAT FUCKING SCOTCH I ORDERED TEN MINUTES AGO!!!
Bub...bubble...
Where's the baby?
The... FUCK!!! I musta left him at the, uh..."library"! (BELCH!)

 

by biped
8-08-05
I'm muh buy you another drink, li'l feller! I LOVE MIDGETS! GLAAA-HAAA-HAAAA!!!
Ggg...ghurgfff...
OH MY GOD!!! MY...MY BABY'S... DRUNK!!!
WELL! You should be ASHAMED of yourshelf!
DAMN IT! Where'd I put that fucking CIGARETTE?

 

by biped
8-08-05
What...what happened to the HOUSE?
Well (BURP!) I imagine you must've left the TOASTER on again, my dear!
Don't worry, kid! This freight car'll make a great home! Wait here while I go get your mom!
Where...where's the train? OH MY GOD, WHERE'S THE BABY?
Uh, let's see...it's 7:45...I'd say he's probably entering Cincinatti just about now!

 

by biped
8-08-05
Is this your baby?
YEAH! Hey, I TOLD my old lady that dog collar was a smart idea!
Well, I just got outta jail! Miss me?
I'm LEAVING you! And taking the BABY! Now WHERE IS HE?
Gaa gaaaa...
No SHIT, dude! I'm going "GAA GAAAA" in here, too!

 

by biped
8-09-05
Wow! Cathy sure has a beautiful bathroom! Just standing in it makes me have to PEE-PEE!
Oh yeah, baby...get it on...
Maybe she can fix up MY bathroom real nice like this! I could bake her a Bundt cake or something!
Less talk, more pee-pee...ngg...
Wait a minute...this isn't Gettysburg... what the fuck am I doing here?

 

by biped
8-09-05
Bill was a really, really great guy...
Bill was a fucking asshole.
Bill loved everyone equally , regardless of who or what they were...
Loved your wife, that's for sure -- at least three times a week.
Bill was -- look, I don't think this "tag-team eulogy" is working out.
Me, neither. Let's just pop this goofy fucker in the hole and zip him up.

 

by biped
8-09-05
Atsamatter, you? You never see-a de computer before, lady?
IT'S AN ITALIAN SENTIENT COMPUTER WITH HUMAN LEGS!!!
Atsa right, I gotta de human legs! Atsa how I sing and dance, la-la-la!
IT'S DANCING!!! AND SINGING!!! BOB!!! BOB!! COME QUICK!!!
It was singing and dancing, Bob. No, I don't want a fucking valium.

 

by biped
8-09-05
GOOD LORD! YOUR group, who wants to perform in MY church, plans to WASH THEIR FEET in the baptismal fount, GUZZLE the sacramental wine...
Yes...uh-huh...
...DOUCHE THEIR ASSHOLES with the Holy Water...DRINK IT...HUMP the statuary... and then FORNICATE IN THE AISLES with DISEASED SHEEP!
Mm-hm...yes...
HOLY MOTHER OF MERCY! What in GOD'S NAME do you degenerates CALL yourselves?
The Aristocrats.

 

by biped
8-09-05
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA !!!!!

 

by biped
8-10-05
Nowadays, police sirens start off going "WEEEEE-OOOOOOOO-WEEEEEE-OOOOOOO!!!" like they did before...
Uh-huh...
...but then they sorta just go..."BLUURRP!!! DOOOOOP!!!BLURDLE-DURDLE-DUUURRRP!!! BLOOOOOP!!!
Yeah...so?
Well, now it sounds just plain silly. I know they're supposed to attract attention, but really, I think they've just gone too far.
YOU'RE RIGHT!!! THEY DO SOUND SILLY NOW!!! THE END!!!

 

by biped
8-13-05
...and that's why they're all dead.

 

by biped
8-15-05
I lahk to burn crosses, terrorize furriners, and lynch darkies.
Why, that's fine, Zeke. Sounds like you'd fit raht inta our organization.
The KKK?
Nope. "The Aristocrats."

 

by biped
8-15-05
I'M JOE FRAZIER!!!
I'M JOE FRAZIER!!!
I'M JOE FRAZIER!!!
I'M JOE FRAZIER!!!
I'M JOE FRAZIER!!!
I'M JOE FRAZIER!!!

 

by biped
8-23-05
GUESS WHAT, Mom? I've got CRABS!!!
CRABS? OH MY GOD!!! Bill! BILL!!!
Come into the garage with me, son. Good cripes, I hope we have some of that kerosene left.
But, Dad -- won't that make my DICK AND BALLS hurt? (*CRINGE!*)
OWWWWW!!! SHIT, FUCK, AND PISS -- THAT FUCKING HURT, YOU CRAP-EATIN' --
Oh, shut the fuck up. I didn't get laid till I was twenty-three, you crummy little bastard.

 

by biped
8-23-05
We membah of CREAN PRATE CRUB!!! We alway CREAN owah PRATE!!!
YAH!!! Dat becaw deh CHIRDREN STAHVING IN CHINA!!! But NOT US -- HA, HA!!!
HEY, WAITAH!!! Me want nice big bowl DOGGY CLAP!!! And some flesh CRAMS!!! Also covah in DOGGY CLAP!!!
Me want get FUCKED by doggy --get DOGGY CRAP!!! HA, HA, ME FUNNY!!! Me really want nice big bowl DOGGY CLAP, TOO!!!
HEY!!! Dese taste rike BAD CRAMS!!! Dis prace have no CRASS!!!
UH-OH!!! Waitah no get his CLANK BROAN!!! Him have to CHOKE SAME!!!

 

by biped
8-24-05
I'm sorreh you lost yoah weenuh in tha woah, Lt. Dayun.
SHUT THE FUCK UP, GUMP!
What a world! I get my DICK SHOT OFF in Viet Nam, and YOU -- a RETARD -- get to fuck HOT BABES!
Why, yoah talkin' bout mah JEN-NEHHH! Aren't you, Lt. Dayun? Lt. Dayun? Aren't you talkin' bout my --
FUCK! Go buy me a titty magazine, Gump! At least I can still LOOK!
Yes SUH, Lt. Dayun!

 

by biped
8-24-05
Well? Whadda ya want, fuckhead?
I would like to buy a ma-ga-zine with tit-tehhhs in it, please, suh.
This shoah is a int-uh-ress-tang ma-ga-zine. WHA -- why it's JEN-NEHHH! Oh, MY! She finally got to be a FAMOUS MODEL like she always WAWN-ted!
Hey, retard! I'll kick ya in the nuts for a buck!
What the fuck took you so long, Gump?
Sorreh, Lt. Dayun! I looked at summa them pik-shuhs and suddenly Little Forrest wanted ta stop off an' play "Buckin' Bronco"!

 

by biped
8-24-05
Forrest, I got AIDS and I'm DYIN'! I need some suckuh to take care of mah bastard chile that some drifter -- I mean, that YOU done give me!
Oh, MY! My JEN-NEHHH finally wants ta MAY-REH me! I'm so HAP-PEHHH!
Well, congratulations, Gump! And say hello to my new fiance', Wang-Chop!
Kling-klang! Ching-chang! A-hah a-hah a-hah!
Gump -- I got a BRAND NEW DICK! It's a STRAP-ON -- the LATEST TECHNOLOGY from the same guys who invented the ROTO-ROOTER!
Why -- it's a mah-jick dick! You gotta MAH-JICK DICK, Lt. Dayun!

 

by biped
8-24-05
And so, mah Jen-nehhh died. I bay-red huh right unduh-neath the tree where I used ta dangle mah weenuh at huh, and she used ta stick --
Hey, Dad! Let's dig 'er up and look at her tits!
Well, Gump -- Wang-Chop's dead. My "magic dick" short-circuited and blew her right through the fucking roof.
Oh MY, Lt. Dayun! Well, I guess weah both just a coupla sad and lonely widow-wuhs now.
Uhh -- uhh -- UHHHHHHH!!! Why, these "blow jobs" wuh a FINE idea, Lt. Dayun! Aren't you gonna get one, too?
Nah, I'll just leave my dick here and pick it up tomorrow.

 

by biped
8-25-05
Honey, do these pants make my butt look big?
Yes, but no one will notice your huge butt after they get a load of that warthog face of yours.
Honey, do these pants make my butt look big?
Yes, but everyone will be too busy wondering what smells like refried buffalo shit to care.
Honey, do these pants make my butt look big?
Yes, but your enormous cow-sized butt makes the rest of your body look that much slimmer.

 

So...I just take the package into the room where all the bad men are...and then I pull the string...laws, yes.
That's right, Tom. And then you get to see the elephant.
by biped, 8-25-05

 

by biped
8-26-05
Boy, I sure do miss Hambone!
HAMBONE? You fucking BASTARD!
Hambone's m' name -- screwin' anything that moves is m' game!
Well, you ort to like it here on th' farm, little feller! There's PLENTY o' things to screw!

 

by biped
8-26-05
"My friends -- the story I'm about to tell you is based on SWORN TESTIMONY! Can you PROVE it DIDN'T HAPPEN?"
MOMMY! CHANNEL 87 IS SHOWING "PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE"!
That's nice, honey, but I -- HOLY SHIT!!! THAT CRISWELL IS FUCKING HOT!!! UHHHNNNNN-GOWAAAAH!!!
You mean the dumpy-looking man with the funny hairdo who says silly things?
FROM NOW ON YOU LIVE IN THE GARAGE WITH THE DOG, LITTLE MISSY! AND YOU DON'T EAT UNTIL YOU CLEAN OUT THE CAT BOX WITH YOUR TONGUE!
I HATE CRISWELL AND I HATE YOU MOMMY!!! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATEWAAAAA-HAAAA-HAAAAAAA!!!!!!

 

by biped
8-30-05
Say...aren't you "The Shut-Up Dude"?
No, no...the emphasis is on the word "up", as in "shut UP." I'm the "Shut-UP Dude."
Oh, I see. Well --
SHUT UP!!!
Uhh...now, look...
You can't say anything else now. You've been officially "shut-upped."

 

by biped
8-30-05
Excuse me, young man. Could you tell me --
SHUT UP!!!
My child, I would be happy to hear your confe --
SHUT UP!!!
Woof! Woo --
SHUT UP!!!

 

by biped
8-30-05
Well, it's about TIME you got home, young man! You're almost late for --
SHUT UP!!!
Ed, I think you should have a word with Bobby. This "Shut-Up Dude" thing is really getting out of hand.
I'll take care of it.
Son, your mother has expressed to me her deep concern --
SHUT UP!!!

 

by biped
8-30-05
That night, Bobby's dreams are filled with the most wonderful shut-ups...
My fellow Americans, as President of this great --
SHUT UP!!!
BWAAAH! I'M ROSIE O'DONNELL, TELLIN' ALLA YOUSE TA "DO WHAT I SAY, NOT WHAT I -- "
SHUT UP!!!
I'm sorry, Bobby, but you simply can't have a fully-automatic, armor-piercing --
SHUT UP!!!

 

by biped
8-30-05
Next day, at school...
SHUT UP!!!
GAAAAAA!!! THAT DOES IT!!! I'M SENDING YOU TO THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!!!
Well, Bobby... you've developed into quite the disciplinary problem, haven't you? I'm afraid I --
Mr. Bellend, if you would...please tune your television set to channel 59 tonight at exactly 9:04 p.m., central standard time.
"SHUT UP!!!"
WHY, YOU LITTLE...!!!

Showing page 23.

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