All comics by mandingo

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by mandingo
8-14-08
i kept shouting, "STOP!"
yeah, but that wasn't the safe word
but then i shouted, "I CAN'T REMEMBER THE SAFE WORD! PLEASE GOD STOP!"
also not the safe word
then i shouted the safe word!
tricky thing, inflection

 

by mandingo
8-14-08
hooker! hooker! who needs a hooker!
a real sweet fuck, this one. blowjobs, half and half, round the world, anal canal, who needs a hooker!
i do.
$50 up front

 

by mandingo
8-16-08
what are you looking at?
god. we're playing red light/green light. when i look at him he has to freeze, when i look away he can move again
don't you ever green light him?
not since Bennifer

 

by mandingo
8-17-08
we're gonna die out here
you know, maybe it's just a matter of perspective. instead of thinking of ourselves as lost in the desert, maybe we could start thinking of ourselves as sand people
you think?
sure. i could be brave King Brantford, Controller of Sand, and you'd be loyal Queen SucksCockALot, Wiper of Sand out my Asscrack
no point running. it's how the sand wants it

 

by mandingo
8-19-08
who the hell wears a necklace and a belt with body paint?
and, seriously, couldn't you have painted a little bit lower on the arms and covered those lame-ass tribal tats?
i'd think you were the offspring of Jackée and Papa Smurf if there was any chance whatsoever that the delivering doctor wouldn't beat it to death with his shoe

 

by mandingo
8-21-08
need a ride, hot stuff?
on what? your back?
it's an invisible motorbike, babe. climb on and i'll take you where you need to go.
i declined and backed away a little scared, but then he tackled me and raped me right there in the street! then he took off running across the desert, laughing like a madman!
a complete madman, i'd say! leaving a bike like that behind.

 

by mandingo
8-23-08
donkey? check. thermonuclear war? check. escape pod? check.
donkey escape pod?
check.
really?
no.

 

by mandingo
8-23-08
christ, did you hear how Joe committed suicide? he got England to declare thermonuclear war on his sock drawer
how the hell'd he do that?
my sock drawer slept with your wife
i'm an abstract border on a map. a demarcation that men thought up. i'm more a concept than an entity, really. as such i don't have the ability to "marry" a "wife" as you humans put it
fucked your girlfriend too
ELIZABETH??

 

by mandingo
8-23-08
no, i'm sorry, we were looking for "Thermonuclear War"
you don't look for thermonuclear war, Alex. it finds you
in the night
LIKE A PUMA

 

by mandingo
8-25-08
what are you doing??!
there's a party in my pants
you're not wearing pants
it's a figure of speech, Lisa
i know that, Joe. just never knew it to take on this particular connotation in a Cigna waiting room
the ones that break eye contact aren't really sick

 

by mandingo
8-26-08
christ, these customers are annoying. i don't know how you've worked in a 65 or older community for 10 years, Jack. i've been here a day and a half and i'm ready to quit
okay, i'm gonna tell you the secret - most of them are blind as a bat. so here's what you do. say you don't work here then point them to some random customer and tell them that they do
when they find out they don't, they ask someone else. after that simple probability takes over. they bounce from person to person asking about the clearance rack. there's no telling where they end up
saw one on the news inadvertently leading a coup in Chile

 

by mandingo
8-28-08
hey, Joe, how's it going?
not good. my appliances keep evolving sentience. some of them "wake up" pretty pissed too. the toaster stuck my dick in the outlet then jammed a loaf of rye up my ass
the blender stabbed the dog. the food processor set fire to my den. and the coffee pot is running a meth lab. i was actually relieved when all the microwave did was steal some money from me
but then he used it to buy the toaster more rye

 

by mandingo
8-29-08
christ, the news is biased. i know the two main media hubs are in New York and California, but the reporters could at least pretend the regional bias doesn't affect them
what are you talking about? the media doesn't play favorites
are you kidding me? they just ran a 4 minute Barack montage interspliced with sound bites of Martin Luther King and set to the Chariots of Fire theme
so? they did the same thing for McCain earlier
Martin Lawrence and WHAM!, honey. Martin Lawrence and WHAM!

 

by mandingo
8-30-08
yes, dad, he's a lamb. but if you're too much of a bigot to welcome my boyfriend into your home, then maybe until you can be more open-minded, i'll consider myself unwelcome too
that was a long time ago, dad. let it go. his country fought for what they believed in, ours fought for what we believed in
DAD! stop screaming he killed Uncle Ralph!

 

by mandingo
9-02-08
some people in this area look at me and all they see is the evil business man that tore down the community center to put up high rent condos
but they have it all wrong. it was never about the money for me. it was never about greed
it was about making brown children cry. it was about the erection

 

by mandingo
9-04-08
i'm gonna go over to Linda's in awhile. wanna come?
nah. i know it's not p.c. to say, but her retardedly challenged brother wigs me out a little
Brad, honey, dinner's ready. it's liver and onions
TEST!
don't use that kind of language in this house, young man
Test.

 

by mandingo
9-06-08
hi, i'm Janet Smelley. my family just moved here from Maine
haha! your name's Smelly! you're smelly!
that's enough, young man. how would you like it if the other kids made fun of your name?
but my name's not something silly like Smelly! why would they make fun of it?
no earthly idea, Richard Lichter. no earthly idea

 

by mandingo
9-06-08
hey, Stan. that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
ostrich fetus
what?
ostrich fetus
what the hell are you doing with an ostrich fetus in your pocket?
freezer's full

 

by mandingo
9-06-08
you win again, Rog. you're easily the best chess player on the farm. has anyone ever beat you?
once, but i don't like to talk about it
DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE COCK IS ROOKING???

 

by mandingo
9-09-08
You know what I hate about shopping?!
Yup. Mexicans.
I was going to say, "The lines."
Lines of Mexicans.
Well, true.10 or Less is the most annoying.
If only every Pamper and Pig Ball counted individually...

 

by mandingo
9-10-08
how'd the divorce hearings go?
not good. they made our teenage son decide who he was gonna go live with. brutalist thing i ever saw
come here, Junior. go with dad
no, Junior. come with "mom"

 

by mandingo
9-10-08
CANTANKEROUS MIDGET!
who are you yelling at?
a cantankerous midget. thought that was pretty obvious, actually. you know the one. walks around here with a denim jacket and boxing gloves on shouting, "PUT UP YOUR DUKES!"
you're fucking with me, right?

 

by mandingo
9-11-08
Contest...
Contest contest, "Contest contest contest contest!"
Contest!
Contest?

 

by mandingo
9-11-08
CONNNNTEST!!!! CONTEST CONTEST CONTEST!
Contest!
Contest.
Contest.

 

by mandingo
9-12-08
pop quiz! everyone take out a piece of paper and a pencil. i want you to name the three types of rotation of an aircraft
you do good on that quiz today, Busta?
YAW YAW YAW YAW YAW
33% again?
yaw.

 

by mandingo
9-17-08
RED IS THE COLOR OF BLOOD! THE BLOOD OF THE OTHER CHILDREN!
BLUE IS THE COLOR OF MY SOUL! SAD AND ROTTING BECAUSE OF THIS PUTRID SHITHOLE I WAS BORN INTO!
dinner time, sweety. put your crayons away and go wash your hands
BITCH IS THE COLOR OF MY MOM!
what was that?
i said i love you, mommy

 

by mandingo
9-18-08
SON OF A BITCH IS RAPING MY WIFE!!!
AND MY DAUGHTER??? I'M GONNA KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER!!!
oop, no, tipped his cap. guess i'll just take my base

 

by mandingo
9-19-08
wherever evil men seek to harm the innocent, i'll be there. i'll. be. there.
god, wouldn't it be awesome to be Captain Justice's girlfriend? he always sounds so profound.
how'd you like my dinner?
outstanding as usual. outstanding. as. usual.
i've been having sex with your sister. most. ly. anal.

 

by mandingo
9-22-08
when i was a kid, dad would blame tiny elephants running by whenever he farted at the dinner table. opinion was split on this. mom HATED it, but we kids thought it was the funniest damn thing
but then mom actually died in a freak elephant stampede at the zoo
and it was unanimous

 

by mandingo
9-25-08
did you hear about the first gay man in the history of mankind to be born with a prehensile penis?
he's so full of himself

 

by mandingo
9-25-08
do you think i'd make a good father?
no
why not?
you babysat my kids once and got them to take a bath by telling them to go wash up or fat people would track their scent and come eat them
you're always going on about that
maybe i'll get over it when my youngest stops sleeping in the tub

 

by mandingo
9-26-08
i was watching Discovery Channel last night and they used the phrase "New World monkeys." New world monkeys? what the fuck are those?? scared the shit out of me
but then it occurred to me, if there's new world monkeys, there must be OLD WORLD MONKEYS, and that, my friend, was a cockslap of terror
no thank you, your honor. i believe i'm doing just fine representing myself

 

by mandingo
9-27-08
are you really saying that your plans as president haven't been affected at all by this major economic collapse?
well... errr... no. we're gonna have to have some... uh... cutbacks. some... well... pretty big cutbacks actually
who won the debate?
Jim Lehrer

 

by mandingo
9-30-08
i have good news and bad news. which do you want to hear first?
i want to hear them concurrently
your mom slipped and fell down the stairs this morning, broke her neck, and died
HOW IS ANY OF THAT GOOD NEWS??
the fact that they think she slipped was pretty good news to me

 

by mandingo
9-30-08
have i mentioned i agree with the democrats on every issue?
have i mentioned i agree with the republicans on every issue?
!!!

 

by mandingo
10-06-08
so i'm thinking i'll call it "Atlas Pirouettes, Triple Lindings, Jazz Hands"
Ayn, baby, let's just go with "Atlas Shrugged." and what say we nixay the old Comic Sans font, eh?
i don't know, Larry. i think i'm quite set on "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Mummified Funsack"
trust me, J.K., "Sorcerer's Stone" will draw in the readership. it's street slang for 2 in the pink, 1 in the stink, last 2 plugging the meter
"How to Get a Porn Star's Physique on 6500 calories a Day" by Ron Jeremy
perfect title, Ronny boy, but how bout we kill the pictorial angle? in fact, just to be safe, how bout you write it under a pseudonym and we delete all adjectives

 

by mandingo
10-07-08
stop hitting me!
i'll stop hitting you when you tell me where you've fucking been! you were with that cunt of an ex-boyfriend, weren't y... ACK!!! MY HEART!!!
heaven? me? have you guys been paying attention?
you skated in on the "Love each other as i have loved you" clause
please, Jesus! i said i was sorry!
pick a switch, Mark. pick a switch.

 

by mandingo
10-09-08
i once read a poem whose thrust was: the closet you open least in your house contains the thing that says the most about you
after thinking about it, i decided that would probably be the 2nd floor linen closet
so i jammed the dead girlscout in there

 

by mandingo
10-12-08
do you have A Good Fist in by Juan Piem?
usually
depends on traffic around the docks

 

by mandingo
10-12-08
hi, sorry to bother you, but i've looked all the way through these card catalogues and can't seem to find The Earth is Not Flat by Jesus Christ. publication date: 29 A.D.
sorry sir, but i don't think there's any such book
how about The Undiscovered Continents. same author and date
sorry again, sir
fuck it. just give me the Bible
pay particular attention to Revelation!

 

by mandingo
10-12-08
goddamn, he's really raping that bitch
i mean i know he told us to grab her and drag her into this warehouse, but i thought we were just fucking around
maybe we can slip out the back way and he won't notice
i don't know, man. that seems like the kind of shit he'd kill us over. he's fucking crazy that way
GET OVER HERE AND HOLD HER DOWN FOR ME, YOU PUSSIES!

 

by mandingo
10-13-08
i keep hearing new agers say the universe is constantly passing through us because subatomically our bodies are mostly empty space
by definition, a black hole is completely empty space because its singularity is infinitely small
so you think if you cross its event horizon, you'll pass right through? fuck no. why? BECAUSE FORCE ACTS OVER A DISTANCE, MOTHERFUCKERS! FORCE ACTS OVER A DISTANCE!
I'M SO GODDAMN SICK OF HUMANITIES MAJORS AND THEIR NPR-LEVEL GRASP OF SCIENCE!
um... i just asked what you did for a living
oh. right. nurse.

 

by mandingo
10-13-08
where do you go when you take your long breaks?
from stripcreator? i just like to take a break for a year or so, get new ideas, come back and write another 1000 comics, then fuck off again
no, i mean when you "brb" me
oh
that peanut brittle's going right through me

 

by mandingo
10-15-08
IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WISH FOR MORE WISHES!!!
IT FUCKING BURNS!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU WISH FOR MORE WISHES!!!!!!!!!!!
how's Kevin doing after mixing Everclear and pink lemonade?
sleeping it off, peaceful as a baby

 

by mandingo
10-15-08
i'm gonna use the ladies room. i'll be back in a minute and we can go
okay, sweety
6 days till she's legal. play it cool, man. you don't want to do time just because you couldn't wait 6 days to hit that fine jailbait ass
ready to go, dad?
you know i am!

 

by mandingo
10-19-08
a xerox of your penis and a hotel room key? this is what you got me for christmas?
yeah! you know! as a joke!
hey... a tie. uh... thanks
makes a fashionable belt!
you accidentally switched the tags on my wife and my presents, didn't you?
that depends. are the locks on your door easy to work?

 

by mandingo
10-26-08
trick or treat!
oh my god! Tim?? is it you?? is it really you??!
no, Mr. Johnson, it's me. Stevie Wilks from next door. i just dressed up as your kidnapped son for Halloween
i know, i was just playing along. you look way too good to be him considering how many times his mother and i hit him in the face with the shovel
but still. dick move. Smarties for you

 

by mandingo
10-29-08
GIVE ME YOUR POTATO KIDNEY OR GET SHOT IN THE BACK WITH MY RAY GUN!
and if i turn to face you?
what?
if i turn to face you, you can't shoot me in the back, thereby thwarting your entire plan. sure, you can still shoot me, BUT ON MY TERMS, MOTHERFUCKER! ON MY TERMS!
so i shot him on his terms
delicious

 

by mandingo
11-02-08
police are investigating the death of a high-end call girl who had her artificial heart cut from her chest. the heart, made from a gold alloy, is worth tens of thousands of dollars on the black market
not only would the killer have had to find out which artificial heart is the most valuable, he'd then have to track down a recipient. this leads police to believe the perp is a meticulous researcher
or just someone that doesn't much like hookers

 

by mandingo
11-05-08
name someplace you lock yourself out of! Wilson family says "work!" show me work!
3rd strike! Brown family with a chance to steal!
that's Gonzales.

Showing page 23.

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