All comics by bigworm

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You cut my arm off you fucking moron! Now I'll never be a concert pianist!
I didn't mean to cut it off! Please accept this bag to carry it in as a token of my sorrow.
by bigworm, 9-20-11

 

by bigworm
9-21-11
Look ragu4u, I'm thinkin' you're an alright guy, but you gotta' knock them Jesus jokes off. Plan to live right, ok?
Absolutely sir. No more dumb Jesus Jokes. Plus I got me an 'Isotonic Gluteal Munch Clapper', touted as the No.1 machine to make your anus a prehensile organ.
I swear by that machine. I use it five times a day! Look at my glutes! I can take the cap off a pepsi bottle, cork out of a wine bottle, crabs offa' pubic hair (my own if need be). I am the man!
Your glutes are awesome sir, and all shiny too!
They're shiny for you boy! Whenever you need 'em, just give me a call. Right now maybe? Huh? *clap clap, munch munch*! You may never get another chance!
That would be a second chance I hope I never get the chance to pass up! Oh... there's my cancer callin', gotta' go!

 

by bigworm
9-24-11
STARDATE-Tonight! EVENT- an arranged get-together for DNA POOL enhancement.'Big Bug Daddy', King of the Purple Cornucopians will rendezvous with Captain Kirk. 'Big Bug' practices his best sex talk.
Pleased to meet you. Feel free to suck my purple corn-cone. Yes... um hum, jus' like that... um hum...
The dirtier he talked, the more dyslexic he became.
Suck my cornupoptic pine-pone you dirty little homo, and don't forget my bing-bong palls!

 

Meanwhile Captain Kirk readies himself for his upcoming night of DNA ENHANCEMENT bliss...
Yes, room service? I'd like a magnum of champagne and a jar of glycerine suppositories (extra wides).
by bigworm, 9-24-11

 

by bigworm
9-24-11
Their meeting was filled with Herculean Verbosity! B.B. had selected an eclectic verse in hopes of turning Kirk on... and it seemed to be working
So uhh, do you want to bring your mouth to the mountain, or do you want Mohammed to jump on your tongue?
Somebody call Bones... I think I'm gonna' cum!
As it turns out, someone did call Bones...
Bones, thank God you're there! I'm about to jizz in my pants, and I'm hoping you can give me some medical advice to delay such an event.
Yes Captain. 1st- Set your phaser on 'Full Stun'. 2nd-Shoot yourself in the spongy corona!

 

by bigworm
9-24-11
Bones! I've told you "NO DRUGS" while I'm gone. Put Scotty on.
Aye Cap'n, I'm heere for ya', but it'll take me at least 12 ooers ta' fix yer problem!
I don't have 12 hours Scotty! It has to be done in 0.05 seconds!!! Can you do that for me? I'll let you bung-hole Lt. O'whora when I get back!

 

by bigworm
9-24-11
Well... with an offer like that to motivate me, I'll try to do it in the time you've allotted! Heere goes... think of some hideous creature, like uhh... uh like the Loch Ness Monster!
Oh yeh... this is a match made in heaven! I won't even have to get down on my elbows!
Hey, thanks for all the help guys! I think it's nigh on too late at this point in time. *tw... twe... twea... tweak icky icky spooge spooge! tweak icky icky spooge spooge!*

 

by bigworm
9-25-11
You've got to stop looking up my ass every time I turn around!
Stop accusing me of looking up your ass all the time! I've only done that twice!
Then what the hell are you doing the rest of those times?
Well... I've licked it a couple times.
So Spock was right! You're a 'Lookey Lickey Loo' bent on wetting the seat of my pants such that I think I'm incontinent, leave the bridge to see the Dr., then you commandeer the ship!
You are incontinent, and I've got poop on my tongue to prove it!

 

by bigworm
9-25-11
And regarding your absurd supposition that a one-eyed avocado could commandeer the SS Enterprise... I'm reporting you to Psych. Services!
No no! Please don't do that. I just said that in the heat of the moment!
Then go change your shitty pants, I'm tired of the smell, and wash your ass while you're at it!
Okay already! I'll be right back!
Mwaaa ha ha ha!!! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!

 

by bigworm
9-25-11
Captain, I've examined your stool!
So that's where the splinters are coming from.
I'm talking about your feces Captain.
That gadget of yours is amazing! I have been getting splinters in my shit too!
Jim... forget about the splinters in your shit!
That's easy enough, but what about the ones in my ass?

 

by bigworm
9-25-11
Please Jim, this is serious! I need to look at your rectum!
Et tu Bones?
There's no evidence of bone splinters Jim, just wood. But that's not even what I'm talking about! Show me your rectum, quickly!
You son-of-a-bitch Bones! I come up here to change my shitty shorts, and everybody wants to look at my asshole!
Would it make you feel better if I showed you mine first?
You know what? That would make me feel better. That's very considerate of you. I'd like to touch it too, if that's alright.

 

by bigworm
9-25-11
Whilst Bones and the Captain exchange cordialities...
Captain, I said you could touch it, not stick something in it.
Give me a break Bones! I've got a lot on my plate, and I need some relief, and it smells like you do too.
... there's trouble on the bridge.
Zulu!!! Chart a course for the Planet Poopocadia! Anyone refusing my orders will be buried in the poop of my people!
I wish you would have told me that a few minutes ago! That would've saved the clean-up crew a lotta' time and effort.
Doing this kind of stuff in the dark is bound to lead to problems.
Captain! I demand to know what you're putting in my butt!
Shut the fuck up Bones, you're ruining the moment! Just take your medicine with your mouth shut! That's better... uh huh... jus' like that... oh yeh, a little to the right now... uh huh, that's it...

 

While Bones suggested they stop, the Captain was adamant that they continue to broaden the scope of their relationship.
Jim! We've got to stop meeting this way.
No we don't.
by bigworm, 9-25-11

 

by bigworm
9-25-11
Good Lord Jim!!! Did you make that pile or did I?
Does such a question matter when you're in love?
Shhh... I think it's trying to talk!
Daa-da! *ook ook* Da-da!
One quick thing before I'm gone Bones... I just remembered! You made that pile!

 

by bigworm
9-25-11
As Bones and Kirk left the poop pile on it's own... no one saw it's rumblings. No one heard it's ungodly sounds.
Da-Daaaa! *shpew shpew... shpew shpew ka-shplut!*
... no one was there to witness the emergence of a new 'Poopocadian'.
*ka-shputter ka-shputter ka-shput shput shput, ka-shputter ka-shpooter ka-shpoot shpoot shpoot! Ka-SHPROING!!!*
All in all, it turned out to be a symbiotic sorta' thing...
You butt-fuck each other, we get babies!

 

by bigworm
9-26-11
Captain, the alien women are lining up outside your cabin door for their regular evening of sexual frolicking. Would you like your sheets changed?
You know I don't change my sheets, but rather 'process' them.
But sir... 2 weeks of cum stains and pussy juice, I mean... it could look bad for you.
What do you mean "look bad"? It's a totally 'green' condition! Get used to it Bones!
The pussy juice becomes brood material for new strains of interstellar yeast. The cum turns crusty and Cookie uses it in his cornbread.

 

by bigworm
9-27-11
Look, there goes that fat , ugly, pimple poppin', bulldyke, lezbo, fuck-bitch chick.
No, that's the fat, ugly, pimple-poppin', bulldyke, lezbo, fuck-bitch chick's sister, the fat, ugly, pimple-poppin', bulldyke, lezbo, skank-mouth bitch.
Oh geez... there's those faggot assed, ca-ca slurpin', limp wristed, cum-suckin', cheesy lipped, ballerina brothers.
You're right, I wasn't able to see her shoes at first.
They're sisters anyway, what do you expect?

 

by bigworm
9-28-11
Fuck what guys? I don't understand.
Was it good for you?
Bones, what's happening? This guy appears, and when he leaves my ass hurts and smells like chicken!
Captain, it seems you've acquired a case of the latest interstellar anal malady.
Which is...?
'HCROYALLpainintheass' disease!

 

by bigworm
9-28-11
Captain's Log, while searching the caves of Pollux Six to find a cure for Checkov's accent, I have come across a grey being, I shall attempt to make contact .
Do you... uh, speak any... oh, how do I put this?... ummm. Do you umm... Damn! This is difficult! okay, I got it... do you... uhh...
... suckey cockey?

 

by bigworm
9-29-11
Hey dude! I remember you! My ass still hurts!
That's because you didn't ask for lube.
I didn't even know you were gonna' butt-fuck me. How would I know to ask for lube? I want lube! There now, I've asked for lube!
Did you pre-order?
*WHAM BAM!* Kirk takes the lubeless dirk!
Ouch! That hurt!!! I asked you for lube too!!!
To pre-order your favourite lube, go to regalacheintheanus.com!

 

by bigworm
9-30-11
Captain's Log, WhileSearching the caves of Pollux Six to find a cure for Checkov's accent I have come across a grey being, I shall attempt to make contact.
It appears the alien has a clogged airway. Will attempt oral sex to fix aliens problem.
38 seconds later...
Scotty, could you beam down two cigarrettes please?

 

This way you won't have to get down on your knees anymore!
by bigworm, 9-30-11

 

by bigworm
9-30-11
...what?
You would suck him off if he was in a wheelchair?!! WTF?!! That's my brother you're talkin' about!
I'm just tellin' you the way it is.
I just broke my leg! Have you seen my sister?
You poor thing! No, I haven't seen her. I think she's gone shopping. Why don't you c'mon in?

 

WHAaazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzup baby?!!! Huh?
by bigworm, 10-01-11

 

by bigworm
10-01-11
Very well Barnyard Pig! Are you prepared to give your life in service of your country?
Oink oink sir!
Do you solemnly swear to never again oink at this commanding officer for the duration of this tour of duty, so long as you live, so help you God?
Oink oink sir! Uh... just kidding... uh, *ahem*, sir!
Cookie... I would like Private Pig to have an apple for lunch? Do you understand?
Yessir, I understand perfectly!

 

by bigworm
10-01-11
ALL NEW RECRUITS, REPORT TO THE MESS-HALL FOR LUNCH!!!
Thanks Cookie, that was a great apple!
No problem Private Pig... compliments of the C.O.!
Been eating crisco again, eh Cookie? You will peel potatoes until further notice. DISMISSED!!!
Yessir!

 

by bigworm
10-01-11
Sgt.! Do you understand what I mean when I say "Take care of Cookie so well that he never needs to be taken care of again"?
Yessir I do!
Thanks for all the attention Sgt.! My tater-tunnel syndrome is feelin' lots better.
Just following orders Cookie. I'm leaving Private Pig to oversee your continuing care.
Thanks for all your help Private Pig! Feel free to uh... pig-out on as many apples as you want! Har har har... har har har... whoa!!! Har har har...
Hoink hoink hoink... *knee-slap, knee-slap*. hoink hoink hoink... *knee slap, knee slap*!

 

by bigworm
10-01-11
Thank you for answering my call so quickly. I have somewhat peculiar problem of the porcine ilk, and I just so happen to want pork-chops for lunch.
I like pigs 'cus they squeal a lot, and real loud!
Howdy Private Pig! I'm supposed to play with you 'till about an hour before lunch. Whoopie! Tra la la la la la la!!! This is lots of fun, huh?
It sure is Mr. uhhh... Mr. uhh. Hockeymaskdude! It's fun! *Whoop whoop, snort snort*. Let's play hide 'n seek!
Ready or not, here I come!!!
I'm over here in the trees!!! Come and find me! Oops... now you know where I am!

 

by bigworm
10-01-11
Where are you Mr. Hockeydudemaskface?
That's not my name, but I'm over here anyway!
I'm over here... come and find me!
*CHOPPA CHOPPA* *SQUEEEALLLLLL* *CHOP CHOP CHOP* *SQueeal Squeal squeal squ... sq... * expire expire... expired*

 

by bigworm
10-03-11
私に先生すみません
はい
私はあなたの肩を借りていただけませんか？
何のため？
上傾かに、あなたはどう思いますか？
私は申し訳ないが、それらは現在使用されている。

 

by bigworm
10-05-11
Here's your part girls... "Everybody's doin' it, doin' it, doin' it... suckin' my dick and lovin' it, lovin' it." Of course when you're singing it you'll need to sing "suckin' YOUR dick". Questions?
Yes, when the song says "...suckin' my dick...", are you referring to the actual dick in your pants, (in other words), your penis in the real world?
You're a beautiful woman, and your question is consistent with the type of questions that a preponderance of beautiful women would ask.
Thank you so much!

 

iDied.
iDied, wide eyed and tie-dyed!
by bigworm, 10-05-11

 

by bigworm
10-05-11
Do I look like I can eat a carrot? Didn't you just hear me tell you about having no arms?
I was tryin' to be polite and ask you for it, instead of just snatching it off your face like I'm thinking about doing right now.
Hey! I recognize you! You're the motherfucker who ate my avocado balls!
How can you say that when you only saw the top of my head?

 

by bigworm
10-09-11
Happy Birthday to you... Happy Birthday to you...
Happy Birthday Mr. President... Happy Birthday to you.
Okay, in retrospect I can see that a little bit of tact might have helped.

 

by bigworm
10-09-11
I gotta' cock the size of the Empire State Building... it needs attention all night long...
That's right, gotta' cock as big as the Empire State Building, needs attention all night long!
So I'm lookin' for a big cock sucker, who thinks she wants to take it on!

 

by bigworm
10-10-11
If any of you youngsters are thinking about being monks, I'm here to give you some guidance.
It is helpful...
... if you're already a cross-dresser.

 

by bigworm
10-10-11
Are there any questions about cross-dressing?
No?
How 'bout masturbating?

 

by bigworm
10-10-11
So none of you have any questions about masturbating huh?
What the fuck does that mean?
You're already experts?

 

by bigworm
10-10-11
So... I got an audience full of expert young masturbators huh?
I come from Tibet!
Show me!

 

by bigworm
10-10-11
Ok, ok, I was just kidding. Please put your wangs back in your pants.
Let me clear that up for those imperialist dogs who only speak engrish...
... 'wang' is gook for cock.

 

by bigworm
10-10-11
I know, I know... 'gook' is a disparaging term used to belittle those of my race.
You better just get used to it already...
... 'cus there's millions more just like me!

 

by bigworm
10-10-11
So, to be a good monk, you have to know yourself...
... and you must honor who you really are...
... even if you're a piece of shit!

 

by bigworm
10-10-11
So don't get me wrong.
Monks can be of any race.
Shit of any color is welcome!

 

by bigworm
10-10-11
I wanna' share with you some of the brotherhood's basic views on life.
In this fashion, those of you who are christian or muslim can compare the ideologies and theologies...
... and idiocies of those other views.

 

by bigworm
10-10-11
The question has arisen as to why the Chinese want to kill all of us Tibetan monks. I will conjecture that it's because...
... the Chinese are (and I trust this is obvious), murdering, envious, short, largely ugly, vouminously bothersome, short of housing... creeps...
... and we are powder-puffing, marshmallowy, dew-frosted, cup-cake people. Plus the Chinese like to fuck yaks.

 

by bigworm
10-13-11
LIFE IS HARSH...
Ouch!
OUCH!!!
LIVE WITH IT...
I'm trying already!!!

 

by bigworm
10-13-11
SILENCE...
Can we talk?
So, how can we work this out?
BEGATS SHIT...
Oh my! Such a precious little baby.

 

by bigworm
10-15-11
Damn! I knew monks lead austere lives, but this is heavy duty.
This ain't even gonna' work.
Yes, did you have a question?
Dude! Where's the TV?

 

by bigworm
10-15-11
Hello class, I'm your Hollywood Reporter with the latest in Hollywood news.
Recently Headuphisass writer edoggydogg's lead character 'Groovy' died. However, he has replaced 'Groovy' with the same monontonous character...
...unlike myself.

 

by bigworm
10-18-11
How you doin' God?
Hello? If you have a question, please speak up!
Hello... over here God!
Will the caller please turn off your personal spiritual conduit viewer so that we can hear and see each other clearly?
Whoo hoo! Hey! Behind ya'!
Joe, confirm that the caller is there, ok.. before you pass them to me? Too much huh? I make myself available to 'em, and it's just a waste of my all-knowing time.

Showing page 25.

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