All comics by kaufman

Profile

 

by kaufman
11-18-02
We need the device NOW! The asteroid's within 50 AU of Earth.
I'm sorry. No can do. The approval process will at best take 18 months.
And that's if it gets full safety approval.
Yeah, the process can't even start till we manage to keep that hyperspace device from blowing up half the time.
But don't hold your breath since our brains are the size of a pea. Care for a cup of coffee?

 

by kaufman
11-19-02
I made a New Year's resolution not to waste money on any more computer games.
I'm afraid you'll have to shell out 50 quid before that resolution sets in ...
They just released a multi-player virtual-reality interactive multimedia real-time online version of The Biscuit Game!
My willpower is strong, but not that strong!
A week later
Hey, Andy, that's some growl coming from your stomach.
I just ate my computer.

 

by kaufman
11-21-02
Join the Pepsi generation.
It's the real thing!
Never had it, never will.
I'm a pepper!
All the sugar, twice the caffeine!
I'm cleaning my bathroom bowl!

 

by kaufman
11-21-02
O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy fatherhood and refuse thy baby; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I'll no longer be a white-skinned, pedophilic, surgeroholic, moonwalking freak. Aww, screw it. I'll just drop the baby.
But, soft! What skull on yonder pavement breaks? It is the beast, for Juliet dropped our son.

 

by kaufman
11-22-02
That hovercraft was full of Lees.
Dude, where's my car?
Book her, Dano!

 

by kaufman
11-22-02
Got your mask and rubber gloves on? Good. You can take care of our next patient. He's just in for a cleaning.
Jesus Christ! Look what you picked off his gums? That must be advanced gingivitis. Let me take a look at him!
Oh goodness. Your gums are inflamed.

 

by kaufman
11-22-02
I don't think I want to go out on that tightrope.
Ve haff vays of make you valk!
Hitler thinks I wanted to put my head in this smelly lion's mouth, but I was only following odors.
Ach, ich liebe die Fraulein Kanonball. Pick up die pieces of her and bring zem to mich!

 

by kaufman
11-26-02
Take a look, Martin, there's dust around my cloning machine. I want it swept up before the day is out. Now I'm going to lunch. Stay out of trouble!
Okay, I'll go to lunch too.
Cloning machine?

 

by kaufman
11-26-02
Here we go. Push the button, and it should work ...
Ha! Two new copies of moi. I'll call you Clon1 and you Clon2. On second thought, let's make it easier to pronounce. You're Colin and you're Coltoon.
Hi, boss!
Hi, boss!

 

by kaufman
11-26-02
All swept up. Anything else you need?
... still causes degradation of the clones and ... not now, Martin, I'm busy!
Rushing home to check on the clones, Martin comes face-to-face with the awful truth:
Colin! Poor thing, what happened to you?
You think this is bad, heed into the bedroom and take a gander at Coltoon.
He turned into a chessboard? Come on in, Colin. We can play on him.

 

by kaufman
11-26-02
I am so lucky! My clone transmogrified into a chessboard. Now I can play on him.
Wait a minute, there are no queens. Coltoon, where are they?
You should have thought about that little detail before you went and had me fixed.
Uh, yeah. And I want my balls back too.
Oops. Hello, Colin!

 

by kaufman
11-26-02
Chase: Manhattan
I'll get you if I have to follow you all the way across New York!
Chevy Chase
I'll jump into that Impala and lose you.
There's a Corvette. I'll use that to catch you.
Salmon Pee Chase
Eeew, a fish urinated on my leg.
Mine too. I wonder where we can wash it off?

 

by kaufman
11-26-02
How could we have been so foolish. Nothing like a little fish whiz to set our priorities straight. I love you, man.
Yeah, but aren't you sorry now I'm no longer equipped to reciprocate?
Nonsense. You had your gedungas all the time. They're located in your pants pocket.
Wait a minute ... These are chess pieces.
En passant, baby! En passant!

 

by kaufman
12-04-02

 

by kaufman
12-04-02

 

by kaufman
12-04-02
Ugh, I am fatally wounded. Why did you do that?
This doesn't taste right. Did you replace my super-strength formula with fast-acting poison?
The death toll on this killing spree has risen to 25. Police are looking for two young men ...

 

by kaufman
12-04-02
Hold it right there! You're under arrest!
I'm here with Ellen Harlan, neighbor of the two youths charged with this killing spree. Did you have any idea you were living right next door to the killers?
Gosh, no! They were such quiet boys.

 

by kaufman
12-06-02
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! American schoolchildren reach new heights of ignorance! 65% think past tense of Zip is Zap!
And just like that, TheBlairZip, er, Zap, finds himself transported back into the Dark Ages. Stranded a millennium in the past.
Good thing I didn't go back another 4000 years. I'd hate to have to run a comic contest on cuneiform.
Little chance of return to 2003 until ...
I see here lieth yon Olde Science Expoesition. Mightest thou direct me to a Wizard of Temporal Magicks?
That is I, a man of all ages. But before I return you, you must perform one task. You must save nine damsels in distress.

 

by kaufman
12-06-02
I love this background.

 

by kaufman
12-07-02
Extra! Extra! Read all about it! American schoolchildren reach new heights of ignorance! 65% think past tense of Zip is Zap!
And just like that, TheBlairZip, er, Zap, finds himself transported back into the Dark Ages. Stranded a millennium in the past.
Good thing I didn't go back another 4000 years. I'd hate to have to run a comic contest on cuneiform.
Little chance of return to 2003 until...
I have come to yon Olde Science Expoesition in search of the Span King, a wizard of Temporal Magicks. Knowest thou where I might find him?
'Tis I. Thy snappy sans serif font belies thy true home. Performest thou one boon, and I shall return thee to thine future day.

 

by kaufman
12-09-02
RING! RING!
99X is my radio station! ... I answered the phone with that catchphrase. Do I win????
That sorry line? Look, 99X got bought up by Clear-Channel in '77, canned their live DJs in '81, went soft-rock in '87, right-wing talk in '94 and mallcore muzak last year. That phone contest is over.
So ... are you going to give me the money, or not?
Well, ok.
Cool!

 

by kaufman
12-09-02
So now you're rich. Are you going to get that sex change you've been talking about for years?
God, no. That would be small change. I'm going all the way. Species change is where it's at.
Are you sure this is what you want?
Absolutely, Doc! Let's do it.
So, what do you think?
Dave, if I were Hindu, I would worship you.

 

by kaufman
12-09-02
Smoke me, smoke me!
I'm so glad my change in appearance didn't keep the guys from inviting me to their Friday poker game. I'll just smoke a few joints first to loosen up ....
Glad you could make it, Dave. Have a seat and we'll deal.
What are we playing, penny ante?
No, actually, the guys decided they'd rather play for high steaks.
*gulp*

 

by kaufman
12-12-02
You two, give me a bath! And the rest of you, count the grains of sand in this desert. By tomorrow or I'll get ANGRY!
This planet was so nice before he conquered us.

 

by kaufman
12-12-02
And over there are our beloved rulers.
What? Behind the trees?
No, silly, our monarchs are the trees.
We tree kings
of orient are!

 

by kaufman
12-12-02
Ho ho ...
OWWWWW!
That's right Santa, and if you screw up again next year, I'll brick up the chimney before lighting the fire. You know I said I wanted a BOAT!

 

by kaufman
12-12-02
ONE DAY ONLY SALE!!!!
COME AND MEET SANTA 10-4.
Santa, I want a a genuine Red Tobor Cornhole Action Two-Hundred Billion Shot Lightning Loader Range Model Air Robot.
You'll shoot your butt out, kid.

 

by kaufman
12-13-02

 

by kaufman
12-13-02
... but a pony needs lots of land to run on, sweetie, and a lot of food to eat.
Ok, then I'd like a doggy for Christmas.
Mommy and daddy both need to work, and a dog would need to be walked and taken care of ... Why don't we ask Santa for a smaller, low-maintenance pet.
Ok.
Christmas morning
Waaaah! There's nothing under the tree. Santa didn't bring me anything!
Elaine, the amoeba has gotten loose. Could you come and help me look for it?

 

by kaufman
12-16-02
I know I said I wanted a nice big birthday cake, but maybe I should have passed on the 2000 candles.

 

by kaufman
12-17-02
Hey, Clem, I've got a problem.
Go ahead and tell me. You know you're always welcome to.
I'ts like this. I need to manipulate the gravitational field for my payload, but no matter what I try, my equipment always seems to fail.
Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves.
Whoa, I never thought of it in those terms before. You're right. Thanks for being so brilliant.
Aw heck, it ain't like it's rocket science.

 

by kaufman
12-17-02
Friday evening rush hour. I need to get from Times Square to Coney Island. What's the best way?
While the Battery Tunnel to the BQE is the most direct, it can really back up. I'd suggest you take the 59th St. Bridge, head out to Kew Gardens, and double back. Much quicker.
Nah, too far out of my way. I'll brave the Lower Manhattan traffic.
Queens Gambit Declined.

 

by kaufman
12-19-02
What's this? The Boy Wonder wants to become a man? Master Grayson seeks to use his Dick? Robin pining for some red breast?
Lisa, will yo go all the way with me?
Uh, thanks for the offer, Dick, but I need to floss the cat tonight.
The Gotham Girls are unanimous ...
... Are you kidding? The way you always hum that vapid Le Freak song? It would make me sick?
Holy chastity belt! I've struck out again. There's only one thing to do ...
To the Bat-hos!

 

by kaufman
12-20-02
Mwahaha! The recording process is complete. Bring me the record, Igor.
Yes, Master.
The ultimate disco record. Everyone listening to it will turn into dancing zombies and robots under my control. Go to a bar and sneak it on.
Right away, Master.
o/` BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Wanna jump out of my pants, Wanna get up and dance dance dance!
Care to dance?
Sure.

 

by kaufman
12-20-02
o/` Go tell daddy, go tell mommy, Gonna be a disco zombie
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! Ah ah ah ah, staying undead, staying undead, Ah ah ah ah, staying undead!
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! I don't live at home no more, Moved into Studio 54!

 

by kaufman
12-20-02
o/` Glitter ball spins round and round, Snort my coke, dance to th/oke, dance to th/oke, dance to th/oke ...
..., dance to th/oke , dance to th/oke , dance to th/oke , dance to th/oke , dance to th/oke, dance to th/oke, dance to th/oke, dance to th/oke,
Wh... what happened?
I don't know. Let's get out of here!
Next time, I'll burn a CD.

 

by kaufman
12-20-02
Disco sucks.
Hey, yer right!
See ya later, buddy.
See ya!

 

by kaufman
12-20-02
Aha! Found it at last! Here's the map with the coded message telling the secret location of King Aoxomoxoa's lost treasures.
Spell it out, and I'll run it through my cryptometer.
Ok, here goes. The letters are B-G-R-Puke...
Puke? What alphabet is that from?
None. He threw up on the map, and the rest is unreadable. Oh well, let's go home.
Ok.

 

by kaufman
12-21-02
December 24
December 25
December 26

 

by kaufman
12-23-02
You were caught playing disco music in Sunday school. Don't you know God sees disco as an abomination?
He does?
He caused the Great Flood to drown out the disco. Sodom and Gomorrah -- they were playing disco. The Golden Calf was a dance, never mind the incorrect translations.
Now, son, you know the punishment. Turn around, bend over...
... and scrub the floor. I'll be back in half an hour, and it better be clean.

 

by kaufman
12-24-02
Hey Lara, could you help me open this bottle?
Sure thing. I have an opener in my bag.
Thank you for rescuing me from my centuries-long imprisonment in that bottle. I will do anything for you in exchange.
Anything? Ok, keep your arms like that, and let me paint you red and white with a bunch of little windows...

 

by kaufman
12-26-02
PC-Man, you're ugly!
That's pulchritude-challenged, youthful person of gender.
PC-Man, you're short.
That's pituitarily disadvantaged, my metabolistically advanced friend of color.
PC-Man, you're insane.
That's differently sensible, person of corporation.

 

by kaufman
12-27-02
Race you to the moon.
Ok.
Oh shit, it's waning!
Here, you can borrow my umbrella.

 

by kaufman
12-30-02
Luft.
Luft.
Luft.

 

by kaufman
12-30-02
I have you trapped, Mr. Bond. And I'm about to inflict upon you my most notorious machine.
Oh yes, Duran Duran, I've heard about it. A machine that literally fucks the life out of you. Well, I'm not afraid of it. Strap me in!
Hah! I said my most notorious machine. I was referring to my portable CD player.
A CD player? And you expect me to die?
o/` Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand...
Why no, Mr Bond, I expect you to sing!
AAAAAACK! The reflex!

 

by kaufman
12-30-02
...Yeah, I'm playing with myself again. I really don't care what people think, and it feels good.
Don't you realize that the blood rush to your penis causes a pressure differential which pulls on your retinas?
Huh?
And the excitation causes an unhealthy release of ephedrines in your brain, which can leak into your optical cortex, causing permanent damage?
She blinded me with science.
And furthermore, the release of semen into the air causes a slight ionization that can burn your corneas.

 

by kaufman
12-31-02
It was brave of you to run this contest. Just judging for compliance must give you headaches.
What do you mean? It's pretty straightforward -- just reference 80s music.
But remember, Australia is so many time zones ahead of us, their 80s were much earlier. DexX can submit an entry quoting Tony Orlando and Dawn.
Hmmm, I hadn't thought of that ...
On the other hand, the Amish are so behind the times, a submission from them citing N' Sync will be too pre-80s. I bet you'll be judging till Tuesday!
*sigh* ... Wait a minute, Amish don't have electricity!

 

by kaufman
12-31-02
Want to come over to my place Friday night?
Oh no, Clarence. I know you by now. You just want to sexually harass me again.
Nonsense! I've seen the error in my ways. I just want to cook you dinner.
Really? Well, ok, then. What are you making?
It's an old family recipe. I call it The Curly Souffle.
POLICE!

 

by kaufman
12-31-02
Take me on!
I always thought Plan 9 was an awful movie, but this version with the dialogue redone by a-ha is great!
I know. I can't believe it! Now the vision of this film is clear, like it never was in the original.
I hear other Scandanavian artists are going to do the same thing. Abba's redubbing The Creeping Terror.
This has Oscar written all over it. All I can say is, isn't it good, Norwegian Wood!
Take on me!

 

by kaufman
12-31-02
Open wide, and say "a-ha."
Take one of these pills at breakfast, two at dinnertime, and two before going to bed. That's five pills in toto.
I believe the clinical term is "diarrhea," not "the go-gos".
I've found out why you bleed so much. It's a rare condition called soft cell.
There's hardly a need for a paternity test. It's not uncommon for two dark-haired people to be the parents of a blondie.
Congratulations, it's a girl, the newest entry into the human league.

Showing page 25.

« Previous Next »