All comics by kaufman

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by kaufman
12-31-02
Desdemona, I have a problem. I need to get a wisdom tooth removed, but I have a terrible fear of dentists.
No problem, Othello. I have a friend who's a Buddhist monk. He can remove the offending tooth without any pain or dental instruments, or even touching you.
My wife referred me to you. I need a molar extracted.
What is the sound of one tooth chewing? Make yourself one with everything, except your tooth.
I don't know how he did it, honey. He just recited some paradoxes ... and it was gone!
That's easy to explain. It's tooth-out Zen, Othie!

 

by kaufman
1-02-03
Let me be the first to congratulate you on your CC 163 win. Those photoshopped comics were works of genius.
Thanks, but I didn't win.
You didn't? That's inconceivable. They were hilarious! Kramer would be the first to admit that.
Yeah, but someone hacked into stripcreator and replaced all the characters in my comics with nude pictures...
So? He probably gets into those as much as any of us...
...of Nancy Reagan, Michael Jackson, Fidel Castro and Roseanne. Brad's banned me from the site for life.

 

by kaufman
1-04-03
Some would save Kennedy. Some would meet Jesus. Some would invest in IBM. What would you do if you invented time travel?
Bingo! 3 AM, the 1970s.
The truth is, Phillip used it to break into the house of a child star in the dead of night, and replace a harmless confection with nitroglycerin-coated sand.
Mom, can I have some Pop-Rocks?
Just one package, son. It will soon be dinnertime.
The rest is history.

 

by kaufman
1-05-03
One day in the library...
Fool! You filed the books wrong! Nectar Gathering for Dummies goes after Necronomicon.
What's the big deal? People should still be able to find it.
Excuse me, I'm looking for pollen. Do you have any?
mmmmmmmm, lunch!
... And so I invented the Dewey Decimal System, and replaced straight alphabetical filing.
Gee, wow, Uncle Boorite!

 

by kaufman
1-07-03
Corrupted by the power of the Ring, Frodo Baggins killed everybody else and started a society with clones of himself, each doing a specific job and producing large families.
I am the librarian frodo. I have 16 children.
I am the insurance salesman frodo. I have 18 children.
There were librarian frods (as thy called themselves), insurance frods, computer frods, and astronaut frods.
I am the computer software frod. I have 0x19 children.
I am the astronaut frod. I have 23 children.
There were even athlete frods and tax collector frods.
I am the basketball frod. At 3'11" I tower over the rest. I have sired 65 children.
I am the tax frod. I'd have had a bunch of kids, but some nut in a mask cut off my scrotum.

 

by kaufman
1-08-03
You and your stupid SUV! Couldn't you drive something a bit more environmentally friendly?
Stupid? You called my SUV stupid? I'll have you know it's very smart. It can do tricks!
Tricks? Like what? Flattening Volkswagens?
Here, I'll show you. HEY GASHOLE, ROLL OVER!
Impressive. Now how do you get it right-side-up and out of the ditch?

 

by kaufman
1-08-03
We've begun getting complaints that this site has far too much anal sex in it.
It's true that the number of references are disproportunate to its actual frequency of occurrence, but that is not atypical for such a high-level taboo.
Nonetheless, as a show of good faith, several forim users are going to self-impose a semi-moratorium on anal sex references.
Instead of mentioning it, we will euphemize it with something innocuous ... like flowers.
What do you say about that, Tobor?
RAAAR! TOBOR HAS A DOZEN ROSES FOR GABE!!!

 

by kaufman
1-09-03
Hello, I'd like to register for American Studies 141.
That course has been cancelled. It will be offered next semester.
Next semester? That's what you told me 6 months ago. Look, I'm 73, and this is the only course I need for graduation. Are you absolutely sure?
We are absolutely sure.
How about that? That's 103 straight semesters Intro to Procrastination has been called off.

 

by kaufman
1-09-03
Are you ready for your first jump?
Absolutely, Professor, let's do it!
Hey, Doc, when do we learn how to open our chutes?
We cover that next semester, in Skydiving 102. Keep that spread-eagle position!
But for some reason, nobody ever enrolls in Skydiving 102.

 

by kaufman
1-09-03
Welcome to Skydiving 101. The first and most important thing I will teach you is the proper position to assume while in free fall. Could the TA come up here and demonstrate?
It's called the spread-eagle, and it creates wind resistance, slowing the rate of fall.
... and he has none other than Jesus Christ as a TA.
That's nothing. The law school has Satan.

 

by kaufman
1-09-03
Hey Mike, where's your chute?
I strapped it on; it fell off.
That's not good. Why'd you let it fall off?
What am I supposed to do? I have no back. Of course it fell off!
You know, maybe they shouldn't have let a guy with no arms, no legs and no body take Skydiving 101.
They had to. Americans with Disabilities Act.

 

by kaufman
1-09-03
What does an overly narcissistic hermaphrodite do?

 

by kaufman
1-09-03
I like your fraternity a lot, but one key to which house I pledge is that my brothers and I share common academic interests. So tell me, what's your major?
Beer.
Oh wow! I have a friend at Princeton who's majoring in beer, and it sounds like a great curriculum: History of Grain, Fermentation Chemistry, ...
Marketing of Beverages, Sociology of Alcohol, Homebrewing, Beer in Literature... What's your favorite course?
Course? They have courses?

 

by kaufman
1-10-03
Hey G-man, we're road-tripping up to Tech for the big game this weekend. Care to come along?
I'd love to, but my term project is due in a week, I haven't started, and I really don't have time to spare.
...
Let there be light.

 

by kaufman
1-10-03
Good morning. I know there was a typo in the catalogue, but this class if for people who want to learn to be Elvis impersonators.

 

by kaufman
1-10-03
Hi, I'm considering taking your Introduction to Suicide Bombing class this fall. Can you tell me a bit about it?
We begin with a study of creation of explosives from household items, move on to inciting ignorant populi, and then spin doct...
You get an A+. What did you say your name was?

 

by kaufman
1-10-03
I'm taking Tools 101 this year. I hear Professor Larson is incredible.

 

by kaufman
1-10-03
College is the pinnacle of human achievement, Charlie Brown. Never again will we have such an opportunity to learn and grow.
Do you really think so, Linus? To be frank, I'm really dreading freshman year.
Oh, come now. It's a chance to spread your wings after the strangulation of adolescence.
That's what they say, but I'm just not very excited about my schedule this semester.
It can't be that bad, Charlie Brown. Tell me, what are you taking?
Football Kicking, Kite Flying, Remedial Dog Feeding, and Wanh Wanh Wanh Wanh 101.

 

by kaufman
1-10-03
Look at this! They're offering Pornography 101. Screw PoliSci, I'm signing up for that instead.
I wouldn't do that if I were you. I've heard things.
What are you, gay? I'm taking that class, and nothing you say will stop me.
Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you.
The next day
WELL? How was porn class?
Sucked. Every five minutes she stopped the film and asked for $100 more tuition.

 

by kaufman
1-11-03
Wirthling sucks.
Wirthling sucks.
Wirthling sucks.

 

by kaufman
1-15-03
Woe is me. Stuck heer in desolit Nufunldand with nobdoy to rapp but Magret Thacher
I am flithy english hoar. Have yeur way with me thuogh it hruts.
Hlod on -- wahts that ove'r ther?
I think it's a skeleton.
A skelton of a viking. They really came here. It's proof of Leif!

 

by kaufman
1-15-03
Yes, Mr. Franklin, I did receive the manuscript, and I like what I see. This idea of a collection of words to live by is just what we need in this day and age.
Great! So you'll be publishing Poor Richard's Almanac immediately.
Well, not exactly. This volume you sent me weighs in at 350 pages; frankly I don't think the average American has the attention span for more than half this material.
But everything there is essential. There's not a word you can remove without doing irreparable harm to it.
Is that so? Then explain how "Feet in his ears, Asian girl fears" is vital in modern society.
Book size ain't right? Go fly a kite.

 

by kaufman
1-15-03
Andy, I need to get in touch with the Mad Rappist. All the wooden badgers on my farm have gone into pon farr at once, and I need someone to service them. fuck's my only hope.
I'm afraid he can't help you. He only molests living creatures, not those made of wood. You'd need a fuck made of wood to take care of your badgers.
A fuck made of wood? What if we were to build a large wooden statue of fuck and set it loose on my badgers?
It's worth a try. How many wooden badgers are we talking about?
Oh, two, three thousand at the most. Do you think it's feasible?
I don't know, but we might as well build it. If nothing else, we'll learn the answer to the age-old question: How much wood could a wood fuck fuck if a wood fuck could fuck wood?

 

by kaufman
1-16-03
Now the Nail-headed Stickmen had foreheads with nails. The plain-headed stickmen had none upon thails.
The nails weren't so big; they were really quite small. You would think such a thing wouldn't matter at all.
But because they had nails, all the Nail-headed Stickmen ... Would brag:
We're the best kind of Stick in the thick fen.

 

by kaufman
1-16-03
With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they'd snort:
We'll have nothing to do
with the plain-headed sort.
And whenever they met some, when they were out walking, they'd hike right on past them without even talking.
When the Nail-headed children played with dogonball, could the Plain-heads join in their game? Not at all! You could only play ball if your head had a nail,
And the Plain-headed children had none upon thail.

 

by kaufman
1-16-03
When the Nail-headed Stickmen had frankfurter roasts, or picnics or parties or marshmallow toasts, they never invited the Plain-headed Stickmen.
Left them out cold in the dark of the thick fen. Kept them away; never let them come near, and that's how they treated them year after year.
Then one day, it seems, while the Plain-headed Stickmen ... Were moping, just moping alone in the thick fen, sitting there, wishing their foreheads had nails, up zipped a stranger
with the strangest of tails!

 

by kaufman
1-16-03
"My friends," he announced,
You are truly in luck. My naem is Sylvester McMonkey McFuck.
I've heard of yo'ure troubles; I've heard your unhappy. But I can fix that; I'm the rap-it-up chappie.
I've come here to help you; I have what you need. My prices are low, and I work with great speed, and my work is one hundred per cent guaranteed.

 

by kaufman
1-16-03
Then quickly, Sylvester McMonkey McFuck put together a very peculiar space truck.
Then he said:
You wanna be naled like a Nale-hedded Stick? My friends, I will nale you . . . . for five dollah a pick.
"Just hand me your money and climb on aboard." They clambered inside and the strange fellow hoared. He bonked. He clonked. He jerked. He berked. He bopped them around, but the thing really worked.

 

by kaufman
1-16-03
When the Plain-headed Stickmen popped out, they were nailed. They actually were, McFuck hadn't failed.
Then they yelled at the ones who had nails from the start,
We're exactly like you; you can't tell us apart. We're all just the same now, you snooty old smarties. Now we can come to your frankfurter parties!
Good Grief!
... groaned the one who had nails from the first. "We're still the best Stickmen, and they are the worst. But how in the world will we know," they all frowned,
If which kind is what or the other way 'round?

 

by kaufman
1-16-03
Then up stepped McFuck with a very sly wink, and he said,
Things are not quite as bad as you think. You don't know who's who, that is perfectly true. But come with me, friends, do you know what I'll do?
I'll make you again the best Stickmen on the fen, and all it will cost is ten dollar fifty cen'.
Forehead nales are no longer in style," said McFuck,
What you need is a trip through my nales-off construct. This wondrous contraption will take off your nales, so you won't look like Stickmen who have them on thails."

 

by kaufman
1-16-03
That handy machine, working very precisely, removed all the nails from their foreheads quite nicely. Then, with snoots in the air, they paraded about. They opened their beaks and proceeded to shout,
We now know who's who, and there isn't a doubt,
The best kind of Stickmen are Stickmen without.
Then, of course those with nails all got frightfully mad. To have a nail in your head now was frightfully bad.
Then, of course old Sylvester McMonkey McFuck invited them into his nails-off construct. Then, of course from then on, you can probably guess, things really got into a horrible mess.

 

by kaufman
1-16-03
All the rest of the day on the wild screaming thick fen the Fix-it-up-Chappie was fixing up Stickmen. Off again, on again, in again, out again, through the machine and back round about again,
Still paying money, still running through, changing their nails every minute or two, ...
Until neither the Plain- nor the Nail-headers knew whether this one was that one or that one was this one or which one was what one or what one was who!

 

by kaufman
1-16-03
Then, when every last cent of their money was spent, the Fix-It-Up-Chappie packed up and he went. And he laughed as he drove in his car up the beach:
Wehn a man loves a froehead, he nales the fuckin bitch!
But McFuck didn't know, I'm quite happy to say, the Stickmen got quite a bit smarter that day. That day, they decided that Stickmen are Stickmen, and no kind of forehead's the BEST on the thick fen.
That day, all the Stickmen forgot about nails, They made silly comics.
So I say, happy trails!

 

by kaufman
1-17-03
Comic 5203.
Comic 14981.
Comic 39571.
Ha ha, I love that one. Oh, confused? We old timers know all the strips by heart, so we just cite them and get a big laugh. Uh, Comic 22520.
Ok, let me try ... Comic 11!
Jesus Christ, that one's been run into the ground.

 

by kaufman
1-21-03
My Bonnie lies over the ocean, my Bonnie lies over the sea ...
I am not sleeping with your best friend.
My Bonnie lies over the ocean ...
Yes, I'm still on the pill.
She won't lie anymore to me.

 

by kaufman
1-21-03
We have found weaponings of massive instruction over in Iraq, so we must go to warfareness with Sodomy Whosits.
My tax cut will subliminate the economicity and bring the deficiction to physical balancing ... I am the legalitimately electioned precedent of the US.
Who was that you were talking to?
I think it must have been the President of Wales.

 

by kaufman
1-21-03
15 / f / Washington DC.
OMG! LOL! Me too! Let's meet Saturday at 8 outside the White House.
This is your Captain speaking. Our flight time today to Washington Dulles International should be 4 hours and 35 minutes.

 

by kaufman
1-22-03
WOLF!
WOLF!
*burp*
Wolf!

 

by kaufman
1-22-03
And has slave been naughty today?
Very bad, Mistress. Slave peed in the sink, called in six anchovy pizzas next door, watched "Joe Millionaire," and sold military secrets to the Russians.
Slave has been very bad. No beating for slave tonight.

 

by kaufman
1-22-03
DING DONG!
HELLO, I AM LOOKING FOR DAVID HAMILTON. ARE YOU DAVID HAMILTON?
N-no, David lives, uh, next door. My n-name is, uh, er, Elvis Presley.
HOT DAMN! I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU FOR A QUARTER CENTURY.

 

by kaufman
1-23-03
Number 2, what are the prospects of black holes enabling interstellar travel? ______________ We clearly need a fuller understanding of gravitational and quantum effects, but it is plausible.
Number 3, Theory suggests that there should exist as much antimatter as there is matter. Where is it all? _______________ In one of Saddam Hussein's "Presidential Palaces".
That's all the time we have, and the panel has voted ... Will the real Stephen Hawking please stand up?
I knew it!

 

by kaufman
1-23-03
Meanwhile in Davy Jones' Locker ...
Take the last train to Clarksville and I'll meet you at the station.
Quack!
I'm not your stepping stone!
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday ...
Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer!
Here we come walkin' down the street getting funniest looks from everyone we meet!

 

by kaufman
1-27-03
My anus is bleeding.
Farewell, old chum.

 

by kaufman
1-27-03
October
Here are the grades from your first test. All of you did poorly, except for Ellen here, who had a perfect score.
January
On your midterm exams, Ellen and everyone who sits next to her did excellent, those sort of near her did average, and the rest of the class flunked.
May
Congratulations! You all aced your finals.
My A'ness is bleeding.

 

by kaufman
1-27-03
White House Emergency Medical Hot Line, how may I help you?
My anus is bleeding.
Colon?
No, it's me, George, the President. And my anus is bleeding.
Where's the bleeding coming from? Colon?
No, dammit, I'm not Powell, I'm Bush. B-U-S-H, and my anus is bleeding.

 

by kaufman
1-27-03
Ground Control to Major Tom, come in Major Tom.
Here am I, sitting in a tin can, far above the world. Planet Earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do ...
... BECAUSE MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!

 

by kaufman
1-27-03
Democratic Party
My heart is bleeding.
Republican Party
My wallet is bleeding.
Sub-m7's Party
My anus is bleeding.

 

by kaufman
1-28-03
We now return to the Super Bowl
Ha ha, did you see that commercial? I've got to try that.
Three days later ....
Hey bartender, give me a Bud Light!
Coming right up.
AIIIIIIEEEE!!! My anus is bleeding!

 

by kaufman
1-28-03

 

by kaufman
1-28-03
That was much better. You almost have the accent down pat. You practically sound exactly like a 13th century native Central American.
But your sibilants still need to have more of a hopeless desperation to them. Do you understand what I mean?
I think so. What I need to remember is ...
Mayan esses pleading.

Showing page 26.

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