All comics by niteowl

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by niteowl
9-23-05
Incredible. Jesus claims that the Bad Luck Fairy is to blame for hurricanes. What an end to weird and exciting day here in the Channel 3 newsroom.
Right now, I'd like to take a little bit of time to reflect on today's events and give my opinion on the whole mess.
There's no point in blaming anyone for what happens weather wise. To say that homosexuals prompted God to send a hurricane to kill them is absurd.
It is obvious to this journalist that some religious folks need a rubber room and a strait jacket.
Anyways, I'm off to get drunk and score a cheap hooker. We now return you to our regularly scheduled evening lineup of hedonism and debauchery. Good night.

 

by niteowl
9-23-05
"...we're at the 15th hole..."
This doesn't look like "Charmed".
Maybe it's a special golf episode of Charmed...
...where evil spirits rise up from the bottom of the cup and must be vanquished with a 1-wood.

 

by niteowl
9-25-05
I want to thank you all for coming, and for all your donations to the plate on this fine Sunday.
Father, why are we having services so early lately?
So we can be done before the football game starts.
So football takes precedence over God? How do you think He would feel about that?
I'm sure He's cool with it. He understands the importance of football.
Oh.

 

by niteowl
9-25-05
There are 3 certainties in life.
I thought there were only two.
Wrong. Three. Death, taxes...
...and some silly Leaf homer burning a mid-round pick in a fantasy hockey draft on the incredibly overrated Nik Antropov.
I hate it when you talk about shit that I couldn't care less about.

 

by niteowl
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
I see you're still gonna mess with your butthole though, eh?

 

by niteowl
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
They're chanting your name again, Jerry.

 

by niteowl
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
You're still not getting a Red Ryder for Christmas, Ralphie.

 

by niteowl
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Look here asshole, are you gonna take my fucking order or not?

 

by niteowl
9-26-05
That's IT! I'm going 40 days without jerkin' my yerkin. Starting NOW!!!
Instead, I'm gonna get a piece of ass every night, regardless of the increased risk of catching a disease.
Don't turn around, I know you like it like that.
You won't have to worry about jerkin' it after you get what I got. It'll probably just fall off.

 

by niteowl
10-01-05
A sleepy little town in northern Minnesota, quiet. Why? Because evil has arrived and driven everyone to seek shelter.
The ball fields are no longer filled with voices of young children and their parents, yelling at the refs for making a bad call.
The streets are deserted, empty. The old men who sit outside the shops everyday picking their noses and reading their newspapers, have gone.

 

by niteowl
10-01-05
Where has everyone in this sleepy little town gone to? Here. The local church.
Alright, alright, let's settle down everyone. Be calm.
Father, what are we going to do? They're coming!
We'll just have to hide out here and ride this thing out.
For how long?
It could be a long time, maybe a couple of weeks. Those evil bastards are persistent. Feel free to pray.
Please God, save us before Monday. The daytime soaps have really heating up lately and I don't want to miss an episode. Amen.

 

by niteowl
10-01-05
Does anyone know what these evil creatures look like?
I've heard that there are four of them riding around on their trusty steeds, brandishing weapons and scaring the crap out of everyone.
Holy shit! It's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalpyse! We're fucked!
Now now, let's not get all bent out of shape. We'll be fine if we just stay calm-
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! WE ARE TOTALLY FUCKING DOOMED!
Mrs. Hanson, will you please give your son a pacifier? His language is frightening the other parishioners.

 

by niteowl
10-01-05
I think we should do a head count, make sure no one got left out there with those monsters. Is everyone here?
It sure looks like we're all here.
Good.
Wait a sec, where's Britney the hooker?
Ok, let me clarify -- Is everyone of importance here?
In that case, all present and accounted for, Captain!

 

by niteowl
10-01-05
*CRASH BOOM BANG*
Oh no, someone's breaking in!
AHH! They're here!
What are we going to do-
Whew, nevermind...it's just Britney the hooker.
THANK GOD YOU'RE ALL ALIVE! I RAN ALL THE WAY HERE! HOLY SHIT, I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS OUT OF BREATH SINCE I TOOK ON THE ENTIRE FOOTBALL TEAM!

 

by niteowl
10-01-05
Are you ok, Britney? Did they hurt you?
No, thank God. I'm alright. They chased me for about 5 miles though!
They were horrible, horrible creatures! Fast! Powerful! Unrelenting!
...and before you ask...NO, I WAS NOT TURNED ON!

 

by niteowl
10-01-05
I'm just glad you got away from them alive.
Yeah, I ran my ass off.
Were they scary?
Yes, but it seems you can talk to and reason with them. We had a good chat for about 5 minutes and it seemed like they were going to back off and go away. But then...
But what?
Then I started talking about work. Blowjobs, anal, etcetera. They didn't like that for some reason.

 

by niteowl
10-01-05
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*
This is great! If we can talk to them, maybe everything will be ok-
THEY'RE HERE!
Alright folks, don't worry. I will take care of this!
What are you going to do?
I'm going to answer the door and talk to them.
Good luck. We'll make sure to scrape all your body parts up off the floor and give you a proper funeral when they're done with you.

 

by niteowl
10-01-05
Good afternoon.
Hello. I'm Cthulhu. Have you heard of the Watchtower? Would you like some more information about its principles and teachings?
Yes, I've heard of it, and no, I'm not interested.
But if you could just spare a minute of your time-
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY CHURCH!
The people in this town are so unfriendly.

 

by niteowl
10-01-05
Are they gone, Father? Are we going to be ok?
Yep, they're gone. They rode off on their mountain bikes, cursing us under their breath. I don't think they'll be bothering us again.
You said that 2 weeks ago.
I really mean it this time!

 

by niteowl
10-04-05
So niteowl, why should you be the host of CC 300? Remember, we're live on the air right now, so please...no sexual innuendo or profanity.
Forget it then. I withdraw.

 

by niteowl
10-10-05
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
The exorcism is tomorrow. Be there or be square!

 

by niteowl
10-14-05
My girlfriend told me her maternal clock was ticking.
I told her to get a goddamned LiveJournal and vent about it there.

 

by niteowl
10-14-05
LOOK UPON THESE WORKS YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR!
It may smell a whole lot worse, but yours didn't curl like mine did.

 

by niteowl
10-14-05
...Rain once again is pounding the East Coast. Red Sox and Yankees games are in danger of being rained out...
Oh wait, I forgot, they aren't playing any games since they're out of the playoffs. AWWW!
AWWW!
It is truly heartbreaking, isn't it?
It's a national tragedy.

 

Republicans are denying that Bush's Q and A with US soldiers in Iraq was scripted. Hey, did you know that I once banged Jessica Simpson? 100% true!
by niteowl, 10-14-05

 

by niteowl
10-14-05
The Coast Guard, who recently tightened restrictions on tattoos, are now going door to door to find new recruits...
Having a hard time getting around is no problem to us, just as long as you don't have any tattoos!
I'm incontinent.
Having a drinking problem is no problem to us!
I already told you that I can't swim.

 

by niteowl
10-14-05
So what did you buy at the store?
Cannonball Run on DVD.
What? That has got to be the worst movie ever! The plot is childish, acting is horrendous, and the jokes are stale. Whatever possessed you to buy that piece of-
Wait. I know why. Adrienne Barbeau's cleavage.
Bingo!

 

by niteowl
10-14-05
Goddamn it Billy, hurry up! You're going to miss the bus again!
Will you chill out, Mom? I'm busy.
I hear you playing that damn game in there, Billy! TURN IT OFF NOW!
Yeah, yeah, yeah...
If you miss the bus, I can't take you! There will be no way for you to get to school!
...still not seeing the problem here, Mom.

 

by niteowl
10-14-05
*sniff*
You win. Whew!
Told'ja my armpits smelled worse. By the way, 2 fish sammichs ta go, puhleeze.

 

by niteowl
10-14-05
I am the end result of getting a lil' Captain in ya.

 

by niteowl
10-15-05
I vant to suck your blood!
You really don't want to do that, Drac. My blood is impure.
Zee blood is...impure?
Yes. I'm addicted to heroin.
I vill take my chances.
Ok then. 20 bucks upfront and no biting the genitals, ya dig? And could you please go back to human form? Messin' with a bat is kinda creepy.

 

by niteowl
10-15-05
Are we nearing our destination yet, peon?
No, sir. It seems that we are hopelessly lost.
What is that out there?
That's Earth. Third planet from the Sun, and home of strange beings.
ACK! TURN THE SHIP AROUND! I HEARD THOSE FUCKERS ARE CRAZY!
I'm afraid we can't, sir. The tractor beam is pulling us in.

 

by niteowl
10-15-05
*APPLAUSE*
Welcome to the Whaling Show! I'm your host, Richard Whiskey. This is our first broadcast, so allow me to explain what this show is about.
*BOO*
As you may know, Comedy Central has the Daily Show, which is probably the most sickening, un-american piece of crap on the air.
*FAP FAP FAP*
We're the alternative. We are a comedic, satirical news show which will rip the liberals and the media a new one every night! We're gonna whale on 'em!

 

by niteowl
10-15-05
Alright, let's get on with the show. We've got a lot of topics to cover.
Over in Washington today, Republican senators could only talk about one thing: LIBERALS SUCK!
*UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER*
YEAH! YEAH! THAT'S RIGHT! YEAH, BABE...I SEE YOU UP THERE IN THE 4TH ROW WITH THAT NASCAR SHIRT ON! PUMP YOUR FIST SOME MORE!

 

by niteowl
10-15-05
YEAH BABY! Ok, our man on the street, Dick McCheese is out talking to some guy. Let's go to him right now!
REPUBLICANS RULE, LIBERALS DROOL!
Well, I guess that says it all. America hates liberals! Back to you in the studio!
*UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER*
AWW YEAH! WE'RE HILARIOUS AND SELF-RIGHTEOUS! WE ROCK!

 

by niteowl
10-15-05
*DEAFENING APPLAUSE*
And now, let's welcome in tonight's guest, Ann Coulter!
*UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER*
Thank you, Richard. LIBERALS ARE BABY KILLERS! SUPPORT THE TROOPS!
HAHAHA! Isn't she great? Great legs and a great sense of humor...Ann Coulter, everyone!
*DEAFENING APPLAUSE*
And that's our show for tonight! Tune in tomorrow when our guest will be the magnificent TOM DELAY! Be sure to bring money to donate if you'll be here in studio with us! Good night!

 

by niteowl
10-15-05
...and we're off. Great show, everyone! Can you believe just how much we fucking rule?
I marvel at our greatness. I'm gonna sit back later on tonight at home, pop in the tape of the show into the ol' VCR, and jerk off to it.
Mind if I join you?
Of course not. Remember the circle jerks we had when we were writing the script for tonight's show?
Ah yes. You nailed me right in the forehead. Good times.

 

by niteowl
10-15-05
We are totally awesome. Our greatness is so great, it can't be measured by polls or data studies.
Fuckin' A. No one can touch us. We rule the world AND the airwaves.
Can I help you, untalented intern?
You guys have been standing around here for 3 hours talking about how great you are. Shouldn't you be going home soon?
Go fuck yourself.
Do you want cream or sugar with that?

 

by niteowl
10-18-05
We see you every year on this island. Feel like being rescued this time?
I think you're the one who needs rescuing. Come with me to my lair.
What do you mean--AHHH!
Why is that every time I meet some guy on a desert island he turns out to be some kind of monster?
What monster? I haven't unzipped yet.

 

by niteowl
10-18-05
The doctor will see you in a bit. In the meantime, I'll be taking your blood pressure, pulse, and--
Marry me.

 

by niteowl
10-19-05
Well, that was the weirdest operation I've ever performed.
Doctor, you're a mess!
I know.
Who the hell did you operate on?
Michael Moore. I opened him up and chocolate just started spewing out of him.

 

by niteowl
10-19-05
Mom, I wanna get Grand Theft Auto San Andreas.
No way, Billy. That game is disgusting.
But Mom, they released a clean version of it without all the hidden sex stuff.
It is still disgusting, and there is no way in hell you are getting it.
I don't understand what you think is so bad about it.
You are controlling a violent black man who kills cops and white people! It's uncivilized!

 

by niteowl
10-19-05
Can I get Muslim Massacre then? It's a war game.
Ok. Let's go.
Are you sure? The game magazine rated it 5 bloody hearts out of 5 and called it the most graphic depiction of murder, blood, and gore in the history of video games.
I'm fine with it.
Did I mention you get to chop off the heads of Iraqi prisoners and piss on the Qurans of other Muslims you capture?
Billy, graphic violence in video games is ok, as long as you're killing those dirty foreigners, and not controlling a black man.

 

by niteowl
10-19-05
You know that show Too Late With Adam Carolla on Comedy Central?
Yep...horrid waste of the airwaves, what about it?
Danny Bonaduce was on it last night.
No way! Double the annoyance and lack of comedy for the same price!
No kidding. Sad thing is, my TV committed suicide 30 seconds after the interview started. It just burst into flames.
Can you blame that poor defenseless TV though? In fact, why didn't YOU ace yourself out for watching the show in the first place?

 

by niteowl
10-21-05
Ok, so you take your middle and third fingers and kinda curl 'em down and bring your thumb up and cover 'em.
Ok. How's this?
Yeah, you got it.
Rockin'!
So when do we get to trash a hotel room?

 

by niteowl
10-27-05
I'm so glad we escaped the pain of living on Earth.
Me too.
Even though we are far away from those who persecuted us, you're still sad, aren't you?
Of course.

 

by niteowl
10-27-05
Those heartless pricks down there didn't realize we had feelings.
Or maybe they knew and just didn't care.
That too.
They continued to judge us, make fun of us, harass us-
HEY, THAT UFO JUST CUT US OFF! I HOPE YOU CRASH AND BURN, JERK!

 

by niteowl
10-27-05
Wanna listen to some music?
Sure, what did you bring?
Harry Connick Jr, Anthrax, and The Bee Gees.
I hate your sense of humor. Quit fucking around and put The Cure on already.

 

by niteowl
10-27-05
I'm bored. What should we do?
Lets go back to Earth.
I can't believe you want to go back after all the pain those assholes put us through-
Wait a sec...you forgot the poetry, didn't you?
That and the eyeliner too. I'm all out.

 

by niteowl
10-28-05
My beer saved the rainforests!
Oh yeah? My beer helped fight the War on Terror!
OH YEAH? Uh, um...MY beer gets me drunk!
Does it get you so drunk that you wake up the following morning in a compromising position next to Coolio and Rupaul?
Hell no!
Dude, your beer sucks.

Showing page 26.

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