All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
3-07-06
What he says...
Did you want to go to the post office? I'll give you a letter to mail for me. I've got to finish some chores I've blown off. Just some mini tasks and jobs.
What I hear...
Did you want to give me a blowjob?
Ivy?
Let me brush my teeth first.

 

by ivytheplant
3-07-06
"However, other research has found that adding supplemental information can increase learners’ cognitive load..."
Heh..."load."
"Will different types of annotations result indifferential learning outcomes in comprehending a scientific text?"
Heh..."comes."
"Such a function would allow the instructional designer to systematically construct annotations based on an understanding..."
Heh... "systematically."

 

by ivytheplant
3-07-06
"The Cenozoic Erathem is the most important part of Yellowstone to laypeople because those rocks are the most accessible and visible."
Heh..."lay."
"The Lava Creek caldera actually started to evolve 1.2 million years ago when the magma started rising to create a bulge with tons of fractures."
Heh..."bulge."
"During the Late Pleistocene, there were hydrothermal explosion deposits, hot spring deposits, cemented ice deposits and detrital deposits."
"Explosion"...god I'm so horny...

 

by ivytheplant
3-08-06
I'm watching something about George W Bush and the rise of evangelicalism in America as of late.
Um...okay...
I recorded it for you to watch.
Thanks?
Don't you want to see George Bush before bedtime?
Don't make me buy us tickets to Ann Coulter.

 

by ivytheplant
3-08-06
If you were stranded on a deserted island and could only have one book for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Jurassic Park.
Letters to Penthouse volume 12.
Volume 11 is a close second.

 

by ivytheplant
3-08-06
"The rise of the so-called Moral Majority and televangelism..."
Oh Christ, I lived through this...
I had just learned to walk.

 

by ivytheplant
3-08-06
So on this emergency contact form for the spring break field trip, I put you in the "parent/guardian/spouse" contact.
I crossed out "parent" and wrote in "manwhore" to the list so we wouldn't have a repeat of that airport security thing.
"Who's your daddy?"
I'm getting my own tent.
Okay, then you can spank me.

 

by ivytheplant
3-08-06
I'm not releasing any emergency information for the trip.
So if I fall off a cliff, they can always ask you what to do with my body...
...But if you fall off a cliff, we'll just have to leave you there.
You're just being silly.
I'm going to poke you with a stick.

 

by ivytheplant
3-08-06
Hardwood is any wood that comes from an angiosperm.
Erection.
Erection.
Erection.
I think I'll leave now.

 

Cleavage, endosperm, orogeny, schist, gymnosperms and angiosperms, hardwood, woody stems...
It's wrong to be this horny in class.
by ivytheplant, 3-08-06

 

by ivytheplant
3-09-06
Look! I'm prepared for anything! Need to see? I have a flashlight! Need a screwdriver? I have tools! Need to cut through a moose? I have a large knife!
Actually, I think the machete would work better for cutting through a moose.
Behold! I can cut through a moose!
Note to self: Bring tourniquet.

 

by ivytheplant
3-17-06
The view from the road.
The nighttime temperature.
The scenery.

 

by ivytheplant
3-17-06
Even though there's several other people who are running the trip, I'm appointing myself your surrogate mother.
I will spend the next week repeating myself endlessly at very loud volumes, blaming you for my mistakes, and treating everyone here like 6th graders.
I do this because I care about our schedule.

 

by ivytheplant
3-17-06
I'm separating the group into boys and girls when we camp.
Um...aren't we all adults here?
Why the hell are you splitting us up?
I don't trust you horny teens. You'll have some wild orgy and not invite me.
Let's go make out behind the arcade.
I'm going to egg her house when we get back.

 

by ivytheplant
3-18-06
Two weeks before the trip started...
"Please let us know of any food allergies or dietary requirements."
"Boorite can't have beans or anything spicy and I'm allergic to garlic."
First night of camping...
We're having bean chili and garlic bread for supper.
NO BEANS!!
Do you want to bang her head repeatedly against the table or should I?

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
Several weeks before the trip started...
According to our itinerary, we'll get to spend a little time in Roswell.
Awesome! I can't wait!
That night in Roswell...
Where does everyone want to eat?
Entire Group: "Cheesy alien diner!"
Ten minutes later...
All right, we're eating at Applebee's!
God is dead.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
You'll find our accommodations very comfortable.
Room service can be a bit slow, but we strive to make your stay as nice as possible.
Can I have my torso back, please?
What do you think this is? The Hilton?

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
I wonder if you can stir-fry a saute.
Braising is underrated as a culinary art.
Christ, I just realized pie is good.
So that's what they meant about the brown acid.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
Tobor has no idea where the hell to cornhole.

 

How do you spell "misspelled?"
by ivytheplant, 3-19-06

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
That's the last time I suck on a wino.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
Hey Jeb! I found me a river!
Boy howdy! We can bathe tonight!
Go git yer sister and let's git nekkid!
This is the worst porn I've ever seen.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
Oh good, I've found dinner.
Moo.
Something tells me my manhood is at stake. But I'm so hungry. What to do...
Later...
I tell you, when that mammoth finally stopped trying to gore me, I was ready to eat it raw.
Dude, you should TOTALLY make a cave painting of that. The chicks will DIG it.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
Have you been good this year?
Absolutely. I only molested 12 third-graders.
Okay, 16.
But the last four were unconscious so they don't count.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
I suppose I'm supposed to kill you now.
I'll give you $15 if you make it look like an accident.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
Birdie's flown the coop!
I smell fried chicken.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
Let's see, shit-eating grin, smug posture, and a gay beret.
I'd say you're about two seconds from getting the crap beat out of you.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
Can we at least look around?
No, we still have 100 miles to go to get to our campsite.
Why did we stop at a shitty restaurant with time-warp slow service, then?
I'm just saying.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
It's a good thing we stopped at Applebee's for supper. It was probably our last choice.
Hey, there's a cheesy alien diner two blocks down the street.
Well it certainly won't be open at this late hour.
It's 7pm.
Don't try to argue with a lunatic.
Gotcha.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
I'm going to go find the facilities.
I'll start setting up the tent.
Let's see...tab A goes into slot B and now I'm horny.
I just heard that two blocks from Applebee's was a cheesy alien diner.
Boorite smash!

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
Somewhere in New Mexico...
Finally! A restroom stop!
I don't need to go now. Surely we'll be stopping again soon.
An hour later...
I'm making an emergency stop at this skeezy bar in the middle of nowhere so I can go to the bathroom.
A few hours later...
Trip Mommy, we have people ready to burst in the back. Can we make a bathroom stop?
No, we've had too many unnecessary stops already. They should have gone before.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
And that's when I found your wife lying in a puddle of blood.
You know, it would be more convincing if you weren't wearing her decapitated head as a hat.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
Let's get one thing straight: We're only married on paper.

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
Where's your eighth tergite?

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
♫ Only yoooou can make this world seem right. Only yoooou can make the darkness bright. ♫
♫ Only yoooou and you alone, can thrill me like you dooo. ♫
♫ You're my dream come true, my one and only yoooou! ♫

 

by ivytheplant
3-19-06
[Do you want to run the software?]
No, I want to fuck it!
[Processing...]
[Microsoft Assrape 6.1 is now installed and ready for use. Please bend over.
At least it said "please."

 

by ivytheplant
3-20-06
According to this herb book, powdered cumin mixed with lard or pork fat can be inserted as an anal suppository to disperse heat from the anus and stop itching.
I don't like that.
I really don't like that.

 

by ivytheplant
3-21-06
This is the weirdest tapestry I've ever seen.
It reminds me of last night.

 

by ivytheplant
3-21-06
[sounds of yowling cats]
All right you two, break it up or no cookies after the nap.
[continued sounds of cats yowling]
That's it...
[Command: CyberBitchslap 2.0 engaged]
Hellooo warm fuzzy feeling...

 

by ivytheplant
3-21-06
Garnet can repair your damaged DNA/RNA structure!
That's really good to know. See, I've been carrying this uranium marble in my pocket for years...
...and if wearing garnet earrings can reverse everything done to my DNA since then, I'd better avoid it.
Otherwise, I'll never give birth to a tentacle monster.

 

by ivytheplant
3-21-06
How dumb are you that you think a gemstone can repair DNA?
It's mystical vibrations blah blah blah.
I don't know whether to slap you upside the head, or give you a biology textbook.
So I think I'm going to smack you with a biology book.
Violence creates negative energy!

 

by ivytheplant
3-21-06
So what's your homework tonight?
I have to write an essay on why I'm writing a paper.
That's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard.
You're telling me. I still don't know why I'm writing this paper.

 

by ivytheplant
3-22-06
In the campus library computer lab...
[PICTURE OF A BLACK MAN FUCKING A POOL TOY!]
Erg...
[PICTURE OF A NAKED WOMAN FUCKING HERSELF WITH A CATFISH!!!]
Um...
Gee, I hope no one noticed my computer screen.
AAIIIEEE!!!

 

by ivytheplant
3-22-06
Walking to the campus library...
I want to break up with my boyfriend, but I just can't do it.
I can't see him dating other people. I have to see him every day. What if he's with another girl?
That would be so weird!
I think I'll tell her boyfriend to get out while he still can.

 

by ivytheplant
3-22-06
I just found some rubber training knives.
Oh yeah, I'm going to get some so we can stab each other.
You know, for practice.
Because we love each other?

 

by ivytheplant
3-22-06
It's not that I don't like the idea of stabbing each other, I just think it's...
Romantic?
I was going for "amusing."
I can stab someone else if you don't want to.
No! I want you to stab me!
Heh. I will "stab" you with my "knife."

 

by ivytheplant
3-24-06
I'm being productive and doing lots of things!
I'm horny.
Ngnch...
I can go masturbate if you want to keep working.

 

by ivytheplant
3-25-06
Man, I hate this time of the month. The cramps drive me nuts!
I've never had cramps.
Could you just die?

 

by ivytheplant
3-25-06
Man, getting my period one a month sucks. But, we all go through that, right?
I get mine every 7 weeks.
You know what? You need to stop speaking.

 

by ivytheplant
3-28-06
Well, a nap sounds good. I think I'll join you--
Where are your clothes?
They were tired so I had to take them off.
Is this an innuendo?
Omg! I am all naked! Whatever shall I do!?

Showing page 27.

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