All comics by mandingo

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by mandingo
8-26-11
AINT GOT TIME FOR NO JIBBER JABBER!
Lord Byron, sometimes known as Baby Byron, would more aptly be called Papa Byron, for there was no more revered and imposing personality of the Romantic period...
if his poetry lacked the emotional impact of a Keats or a Shelley, let me say this: in terms of influencing one's fellows and just sheer joie de vivre, Lord Byron was unrivalled.
AINT GETTING ON NO PLANE!

 

by mandingo
8-26-11
oooEEE! you got one a them shitters that shoots water up your ying yang!
yes, sir. indeed, sir.
and me with a turtle head popping out and six hours to kill! this is gonna be more fun than hiring that mexican with lazy eye!
very good, sir. carpe bm.
huh?
"seize bidet."

 

by mandingo
8-27-11
WJLT request line.
Hi, can you play With My Sausage by The Moonlight.
let me see if i can find it
HAHAHAHA
hey.

 

by mandingo
9-06-11
dude, LSD is overrated. i'm not feeling anything. ...are you okay? you just went all pale.
...behind ...you
BBW looking for friend with benefits... maybe more? 979-7266... Gainesville mom seeks strong athletic man with adventurous spirit. 486-4190... SWF seeking
what's happening??? WHAT'S HAPPENING????!!!!!
take it off, my turn!
what do you want - Garage Sales or Automobiles?

 

by mandingo
9-10-11
holy shit, i'm tripping balls and he picks NOW to give me the father-son drug talk!
...and i know there will be temptation. there always is...
look at him, he's hideous! and this room! and look at ME!! DEAR CHRIST, IT'S TAKING EVERYTHING I HAVE NOT TO CLAW MY FACE OFF!!!
...but looking back, you'll be glad you listened to your old pop...
ah, good. it's wearing off.
...and proud you shunned drugs and stuck to the time-honored Klaxnaxian vices of forced prostitution and child murder. good talk!

 

by mandingo
9-15-11
you know how Enron traded ideas like broadband and weather? well, i'm thinking about setting up a market that only trades in ideas
that dumb ass idea just lost 10 points
your lack of comeback just sent that idea's share price plummetting
penny stock for your thoughts?

 

by mandingo
9-17-11
Stardate 69696.9. to honor such a sexually explicit stardate, i decided to have sex with every person on the ship
having sworn an oath to it, disaster immediately struck. a ship dematerialized off the port side, and i was beamed aboard an enemy vessel full of the most hideous creatures i've ever seen
The Lesbian Council will see you now...
still, an oath's an oath.

 

by mandingo
9-27-11
captain, it appears that your inordinately long pauses are in fact due to an inoperable tumor in the hypothalamus of your brain
Fuck
i'm sorry, sir, but according to my calculations, you only have 2.1 months to live
or approximately 3 paragraphs.
...ing shit!

 

by mandingo
10-02-11
who are you supposed to be?
i'm a pirate!
and who are you supposed to be?
i'm the messiah.
she hath tithed me the Kat of Kit
but you shit on it.

 

by mandingo
10-08-11
dude, bad luck. title of this comic says you're gonna die.
what, no it doesn't. there are a lot of people named Jon.
looks like it anticipated you saying that. it says, "No, it's you, Jon."
IT COULD BE SAYING THAT TO ANY JON!
maybe, but... HOLY CRAP!
maybe but holy crap nothing. grab the fire extinguisher and put me out. we gotta warn this other Jon.

 

by mandingo
10-09-11
Uncle Bill, what does it mean to short sheet a bed?
fuck if i know, kid, but grab me the mayonnaise and an empty roll of toilet paper and i'll explain what it means to felch

 

by mandingo
10-21-11
the union's breaking through our lines!
they're slaughtering our archers!
release the cave troll!
gNNAAARRRR!!!!

 

by mandingo
10-24-11
Senator, you're notorious for staging elaborate scandals just to screw with the media's naming of them. like the time you threw glass on the ground and released toddlers - Child Safety Gate
or the time you called an emergency press conference and we waited 4 hours before finding out you snuck out the side gate - Gate Gate, or Stutterer's Gate as it's now known. what shameful act is next?
sir, as i've been trying to tell the media for the past year, i've turned over a new leaf. having your first child will do that to you. my greatest desire is to simply put all that behind me
and concentrate on fisting that girl from Samantha Who with a red delicious

 

by mandingo
10-28-11
don't be embarrassed, it happens to a lot of guys
i'm embarrassed alright... embarrassed for YOU! i fucked a goat once. di-SGUSTING. the smell, the matted hair. i'm a little queasy thinking about it even now. still... ROCK HARD, whole time!
are you blaming ME for it?
have you ever smelled a goat's breath, Helen? like ass and mayonnaise.
*sob*
THAT'S WOKEN IT UP!

 

by mandingo
10-31-11
knock knock
who's there?
inter
who?
interrup
never heard of him

 

by mandingo
11-01-11
look, i know i mixed everclear, redbull, and fanta. i know this is bullshit. you're a mailbox or toilet or something. as long as i wait you out and DON'T do what you say, i'll sober up and be fine
bullshit, huh? like the time your parents lied to you about your dog going to live happily on a farm?
yes, exactly. i just have to sober up and... what did you say? how do you know about that?!
i know because sometimes extraordinary things DO happen. i know because if you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be true. i know because your destiny awaits, Sue
after sobering up...
CHRIST, I ALMOST HAD HER!

 

by mandingo
11-10-11
Maura, i've got good news and bad news. bad news is your brother called and your Nana Cleo died. now, now. before you go getting all "emotional," remember there's good news too. i had her stuffed!
*sob*WHAT??
meanwhile, back at Nana's house...
SHE DIDN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE THIS!
i know. i had a little extra coin so i had her double stuffed
i'm going to stab you!

 

by mandingo
11-14-11
look, it doesn't mean anything. you're thinking one name and you accidentally scream another
over and over and over
so who's this Eloise?
meanwhile, back at granny's house...
no rough stuff tonight
Rick

 

by mandingo
11-26-11
well, i think anyone who doesn't watch Desperate Housewives doesn't truly know what it means to be a woman in america, Helen.
oh, is that so, Frank
*gasp*
*gasp*
i love it when drag queens fight
SHE USED HER SLAVE NAME!

 

by mandingo
11-29-11
do you ever wonder if god's looking down on us? what he'd say if he talked to us?
sometimes... when i'm masturbating. i imagine him saying, "hey, nice cock." and i'll be, "Jesus!" and he's like, "what? i'm just admiring my workmanship. i made that cock, you know. i made all cocks.
"come over here and smack me around with it."
remember i need to see your lips to tell what you're saying
so i do, but i get a little carried away. he's black and blue with a fat lip, sobbing of course, and that's when shit starts getting CRAZY...

 

by mandingo
12-03-11
say, old bean. i invented a new turn of phrase today.
do tell!
say now in a future time, a physician's knife can turn chaps into ladies and ladies into chappies. then one might very well say, "once she has the surgery, he'll regret she ever did." see!
eGAD! it's like the future perfect tense but with fleshy bits and god's impotent rage!
you can almost see the poor fellow up there biting through his lower lip and shaking his clenched fist at us!
let's go graft extra buttocks onto our backsides and press him a hammy loaf!

 

by mandingo
12-15-11
and there's the starter's pistol! looks like France takes an early lead with Norway right behind! through the ladder rungs, over the dumpster, onto the helicopter skid... OH!
RIGHT into that recently washed window! Canada's out of it!
so France takes the Gold, Norway the Silver, and... Russia the Bronze! and with that we kick off the 43rd running of Jackie Chanukah! hard to believe it's been 43 years today!
seems just like yesterday we stripped Chanukah from those uncreative jews and turned it over to the hypercreative Japanese
who, let's face it, you could lock in a room with a Radio Shack calculator and a Casio watch and in 15 minutes you'd have a robot that could rape a small dog
bringing us to our next event...

 

by mandingo
12-16-11
so, remember children, if anyone tries to touch you in any of those places, you run and tell a policeman or your teacher here.
let's give a big round of applause for Officer Burton! you were all being such good listeners, i went and made you a cake while he was talking!
who wants to lick the bowl and spoon?
officer.

 

by mandingo
12-25-11
what's wrong?
i just got a postcard from Ben
WISH YOU WERE HER!
Ben as in my husband Ben?
do you think she's prettier than me?

 

by mandingo
12-28-11
HEY JOE, HOW'S THE FUCKING JOB?
Pete, man, i've been trying to find a way to tell you for awhile now. when you type in all caps like that people think you're shouting.
WHAT? YOU'RE SHITTING ME, RIGHT? THIS IS JUST THE WAY I TALK.
i know, i know. it's just that with you liking profanity and Caps Lock on, it makes you seem like you're angry. i'm sure you give a better impression in real life
I'LL TAKE A FUCKING WAFFLE, SANDRA.
move, feet.

 

by mandingo
12-29-11
cool
cool
home, honey
how's the new partner?

 

by mandingo
12-29-11
You know, I recently noticed that comedians use the " I just got married" or the " me an my wife just had a kid" announcements for jokes.
For some reason they think that the audience cares. Well they don't and there are other ways to lead into jokes. For example...
You shit in my mouth!! YOU SHIT IN MY MOUTH!!!

 

by mandingo
12-29-11
Why do birds suddenly appear, everytime you are near.
oh, sorry. didn't see you standing there. i was just thinking about this fantastic rubbery shit i took this morning. i think it brought the toilet to life
she was already alive, sir. she my partner's lifetime wife. that's why i'm here. she pressing charges. i'm gonna need fecal sample
cool
YOU NO USE THAT WORD, TOILET SHITTER!!!

 

by mandingo
1-04-12
Sally!
Sally, get the hell out here! i need hammer pants!
sir, first off we don't sell hammer pants. no one sells hammer pants anymore. the man himself uses them to dry his car. second, that sign's pronounced "Sale"
don't tell me my business, Sally.

 

by mandingo
1-10-12
why are you crying?
on shrooms, Tomb Raider just seems like exploitation of the working man. YES! THE KEY! it's so incredibly sad.
NO, BITCH! PUSH THE BLOCK OUT OF THE WAY SO I CAN EXIT THE CAVE!

 

by mandingo
1-20-12
so, wait... you're telling me you got this HOT ASS russian bride and all you had to do was pay for her airfare over here?
yeah, man! why do you think i keep espousing e-spousing!
HAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHA
i hear clever word play from next room. it get me hot. let us bang bang
let us bang bang, SIR

 

by mandingo
2-01-12
The First Law of Thermodynamics states
YOU DON'T! TALK! ABOUT! THERMODYNAMICS!
no, you're thinking of Fight Club.
nooooo, i'm thinking about Melanie sitting on my face and wriggling the alphabet.
Melanie C. or Melanie R.?
WE HAVE A MELANIE R.??

 

by mandingo
2-15-12
you have peeked zee wrong alley, leettle girl. before i drain your sveet, sveet blood, let me tell you about zee destroyer you had zee misfortune to meet tonight
for thouseends of years, rulers have quaked at my name. i've made mountains crumble and ceeties burn. i've changed zee course of history... with a seengle bite!
but i'm a virgin. even as a bat. eet's weird. and sometimes i wet 'um. are zee two related? i don't know. and zis one time i tried to steeck my deeck een my hot neighbor's dog.
i can still hear you when you're mumbling behind the cape, you know.
i'll just be going!
hey, don't feel bad. vampire virgins make up half my school.

 

by mandingo
2-17-12
i just can't seem to get laid. you ever have that problem?
can't say as i have. your mom sucks my dick every time i forget to lock the door
*click*
she'll just break a window.

 

by mandingo
2-19-12
David!
Samuel, my old friend! how are you! and how's Jesus! the times we three had together!
uh... i'm good, but Jesus... we uh... we kind of had Jesus... crucified.
did he rape someone? he raped someone, didn't he? he was always going on about that.
actually, he rode a donkey into Jerusalem and declared he was God.
I ALMOST GUESSED THAT!

 

by mandingo
2-28-12
hey there, Ben. say, isn't it funny how you're always reaching for something whenever i see you? what are you doing there, filing?
filing papers, yeah.
ooo, and look at that! what's that you're reaching fer there, Benny ma boy?
the paper towel dispenser.
now let's see. bland walls calling out for decoration? whatever might Big Ben be doing in here? hanging a picture perhaps? that even in your job description, Reachy Rich?
TALK TO THE STUMP.

 

by mandingo
3-10-12
are you having sex in my butt?
what? that's crazy. i think you'd realize it if someone was having sex with you.
i'm a quadriplegic, Roger. you know this.
i do know this.
the name's Steve.

 

by mandingo
3-20-12
what in the hell are you watching??
no, nurse, my other other leg.
Whorence Nightingale.

 

by mandingo
3-20-12
GET IT OUT OF HERE OR I'LL STAB YOU WITH IT!
GET IT OUT HERE AND STAB ME WITH IT!
woah, COOL.

 

by mandingo
3-26-12
dude, remember that time you picked up that hot Eskimo chick?
Dougy, man - best sex of my life.
what's wrong, baby. you're so quiet. i thought that was pretty fantastic
no, no. it was. i'm just thinking about that time you stood in front of a mirror with your penis tucked in pretending you were Walter Cronkite

 

by mandingo
3-26-12
AND THAT'S THE WAY IT IS
what the fuck, Nanook! you can't double flashback! and you sure as SHIT can't flashback to another man's memories!!
"NANOOK"?? alright, white bread, you asked for it. 6th grade! Fat Camp! What would you do for a Klondike bar?! ROLL IT!!

 

by mandingo
3-28-12
KNOCK KNOCK
FUCK! what do we do?!
DOORSTOP!

 

by mandingo
4-09-12
hey, Nick.
you! what do YOU want! haven't you done enough?? look at me! look at my life! YOU DID THIS!!
Nicky, my boy! got you a beer.
Ho Ho Ho! ...tastes a little funny...
look, i know there's nothing i can say but i'm going to try anyway because Step 8 is about apologizing to people you've... uh... well... SAY! does that suit constrain your arms AND have a butt flap??
oh good christ.

 

by mandingo
4-12-12
HAHAHA! i'm reading this Agatha Christie book from the 1920's. listen to this:
"The old pussy took the seat next to me. The smell! Mothballs! She was dressed to dance in that modern style that always looks ridiculous on old pussies."
wonder what that means - "dressed to dance in that modern style"?
the old pussy must have been a flapper

 

by mandingo
4-30-12
dude, i've got some bad news about your mom. we ran into each other at the mall and got to talking. then our hands accidentally touched. next thing you know we're checking into a hotel
christ! i don't want to hear this!
dude, relax. i'm doing that old trick where you tell someone the worst possible news so then the real news isn't as bad. the real news is that your mom was rushed to emergency and had a leg amputated
what?? how's that not worse?? what happened??
right, so we check in as Mr. and Mrs. Smith...

 

by mandingo
5-06-12
you know how we've all fantasized about killing someone?
no, can't say as i do. i mean, even the idea that such perverse thinking exists in this day and age makes me want to BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH THIS HAMMER
well, would you look at that.

 

by mandingo
5-07-12
huh, so it looks like i've thrown all my golf clubs in the lake except for two irons
a 4 iron and an 8 iron. but i need a 6 iron. i guess i could use the 4 and try to ease off a bit, but i think i'll use the 8 and really whack the shit out of it
who'm i kidding, even the gallery knows i'm just going to pile drive the caddy again
MMMF!

 

by mandingo
5-08-12
do you hear that in the ceiling?
no, but i hear something behind this door. you check the attic, i'll check in here
RAWWWWRRRRR!!!!!!!!
christ god no! PLEASE NO! PLEASE GOD NO!!!!
cake and pie all around!
yay!

 

by mandingo
5-09-12
Kid Thunder!
Steve, my man!
Kid Thunder! where you been keeping yourself?
sock drawer!
that's a great nickname. were you a boxer?
nope. gassy child.

 

by mandingo
5-16-12
it always cracks me up hearing christians make fun of mormons or scientology. i mean, have they read the bible?
it's like listening to a kid who still believes in Santa make fun of another kid for believing in the tooth fairy
i'm so glad i had you stuffed, black Steve.

Showing page 27.

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