All comics by christopher7murphy

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"The Legend of Boggy Creek" was filmed on the cheap. Every shot was dark and grainy. But they had police officials being interviewed.
Watch carefully as the Creature dashes in front of the camera.
The dogs on screen stopped barking. The background music fell silent. I was leaning out of my seat. My mouth frozen in mid popcorn consumption.
PROOF! ABSOLUTE PROOF! Bigfoot was real! Ohhh..Everything they said was correct, I wasn't gonna sleep ever again! I had "postulating" to do!
There! Did ya see it? Told ya!

 

How can they expect me to fall asleep? What if Bigfoot crashes his arm through my window?
In 1975, there's only one thing you could do when you needed to fend off nightmares.
So I sneaked downstairs.
Johnny Carson!
"How dumb is it?"

 

For just over a week, Johnny Carson and I fought off the fearsome Bigfoot Boggy Creature.
Gotta keep the volume down low.
"Have I gotta deal for you!"
During the week, bedtime was 8:00. So I had to be careful not to be caught...a feat even more daring than a confrontation with the living dead, sharks, and Bigfoot combined.
Ha ha ha ha! (ooops)
CRASH!
-------------------------CLICK--------------------------
Hey! What's that noise down there?
It's just Bigfoot, Dad.

 

Son, it's time to go to sleep.
But I'm not tired.
Yes you are. You are tired.
Okay. But I'm not.
If you would just go to bed, you will fall asleep.
I fail to see how the two actions are connected. Are you sure of your research?

 

There is no Bigfoot...but I will sit here until you go to sleep. Okay?
Okay...but I'm not tired.
ZZZZZZzzzzz GrRrRrRowl (snort!)
ZZZZzzzzzz Grumblegrowl.
DAD! I hear Bigfoot!

 

ZZZzzzzzz-(Snort!) It's three o'clock in the morning. He HAS to be asleep by now.
Okay. But I'm not.
-sigh-
Dad, it's this whole Bigfoot thing. And...and that... Gerald Ford...what the heck is his problem?

 

Son, it's 3:30 in the morning! We're BOTH tired...and I can prove it.
But, Dad! Bigfoot is nocturnal! And he knows I'm awake because the lights keep going on and off. He has to...
I will give you a dollar if you can stay up all night.
What? Reverse psychology? He's never used that before? Maybe he's sleepy.
Deal?
Well...I could use the money....Cryptozoology ain't cheap.

 

I was on the honor system. Dad left the room and placed the money on the shelf so I could look at it.
So my dad bet me a dollar I couldn't stay awake all night.
I guess in a way, it took my mind off Bigfoot.
...But I REALLY wasn't tired!
There really was no point to this story...except to say, THATS how I made a buck off Bigfoot!
Now, I wonder how long it would take for a nine year old to spot a U.F.O.?

 

One widdle sex tart, shaking her dainty hips.
Sliding her tongue across her parted lips.
Slowly I tell you about what I'm gonna lick...
The hills are alive with the sound of music.
Honey, quit messin' with the remote!

 

Why do we have to keep it so cold in the Book Store?
Because we have to keep the humidity down. Otherwise the paper curls and merchandise is unsalable.
But I'm cold!
You should dress more appropriately.
Do you think the top hat is too formal?
Yea, but the carrot brings out the coal in your eyes.

 

According to the letter found, the killer was caught up in a love triangle with the victim.
I found her. Here she is. Here's your killer!
The cat? Smithers! How could a cat get past a ferocious guard dog, kill the owner, and explain the love letter?
Oh, she denies everything. But we know the truth.
Oh, yea? -snort- She have a shakey alibi?
No, she had puppies.

 

So 'Admiral' Kirk, you never told anyone how you sent seventy of us into exile in this barren dustbowl with only the contents of this cargo bay to sustain us?
You lie. On Ceti Alpha V there was life. Employment. A fair chance...
THIS ...IS ....CETI ALPHA V.
Oh? Well, then did you try to oppress migrant workers to your advantage?
Are you kidding? Have you ever tried to breastfeed a Klingon?

 

Creature from the planet Huston. I am Zod, your supreme ruler. Do my bidding!
?
You will bow down before me! You...and someday...your heirs!
-squeal-oink-oink-
That's right! SQUEAL before Zod!

 

And now, Choco-Cola and Channel Three presents: Schlock Theater! With your host, Count Peter!
Blah! Goot evening boys and ghouls! Are you ready to bleed through your eyeballs?
Tonight, I have a special treat for you. "The Thing Best Forgotten!"
Count Peter, I'm afraid we accidently attached Britney Spears' body to your daughter's penis.
IN FABULOUS 3-D!

 

Commander Spock, it's the Horta. She's not protecting her eggs anymore, but she's raping the miners.
This calls for another Vulcan mind-meld.
-Hssssss!-
"OoOoOoHhHh! The pain! Indignity! He used me! Never called me back. Whoa is I!"
Really, Captain? The Horta?
Hey..she seduced me! Besides, once I found the hole....

 

Arrrrrg! Now ain't that cute?
ð = 3.14159....
...265358979323846.
Pi-Rats!

 

Crap, Spock! We're in trouble now! There was way too much power behind that phaser and we obliterated the entire cast of 'Get Smart!'
I have a solution, Captain.
We just have to make it look like another popular television show from the 1960's is responsible.
...er...I mean, "Holy Shit, Batman!"

 

Hello, can I help......
Were you looking for anything spec...
HELLO! Can I get some service around here?
?

 

Listen Toots, I'm in a hurry. Could you...
Sir! You are in a restricted area. There is clearly a sign on the door that says, "Employees Only."
But....
Besides, you had to pass two other employees just to get this far into the store!
Lady, are you calling me unobservant?
HELLO! I'm squatin' a turd here!

 

That sign out in your parking lot advertised, "Pet Stuff."
Yes sir.
Well I need three of them.
Three of what?
Three of my pets stuffed!

 

A very surprising fact about Stripcreator.
The term, "Gorilla Fart," has only been used once in all this time!
It's true!
And it had nothing to do with men's volleyball!

 

So, why haven't I seen you online for a while?
Oh, my server blew up.
Mam, you must order something. You're not allowed to use the Internet Cafe without making a purchase.
What are you gonna do about it, zit-face? Cry to your mommy?
He got pizza sauce all over the keyboard.

 

Greetings, greetings, fellow star gazers!
My doctor told me that my prostate has swollen three inches in diameter. Which means the moons of Jupiter could fit easily inside my urinary tract and STILL have room for Ursa Major!
That was Dr. Ursa Major. -sigh- Keep looking up!

 

In 1980, my master, Thomas Disch wrote an adventure story about me and a bunch of broken down old appliances.
Now, my trap is full of breadcrumbs! Will someone please clean out the breadcrumbs? Hello! Health hazard here! Oh God, where will it end?
Man, That's one "Fucked Up Little Toaster!"

 

Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Da Da!
And I'll be there before the next teardrop falls.
That was the night that the lights went out in Georgia !
Billy, Don't be a Hero!
Theme from SWAT?

 

Mr. Murphy, it looks like you need bifocals.
Oh no, no, no!
But my vision can't be that bad. I can still drive and reading isn't that difficult.
Do you really think you can get by one more year without them?
Yes, Mam.

 

I'm sorry, Bette Davis' last book is out of print, perhaps she has a new one coming soon...
You idiot. Bette Davis is dead! She..
WAIT. Shakespere is dead. Elvis is dead. Yet books continue to be published and republished regardless of thier rotting corpses!
So, if I talk about a person in the present tense, I am only infering that there may indeed be a new or a re-released title coming soon!
It was not an invitation to educate me on the mortality of your personal hero (slash) object of desire.
Ya' know... You kinda remind me of a dead Bette Davis. She gave me an erection, too.

 

Hya-Left! Hya-Left! Hya-Left, Right, Left!
Hya-Left! Hya-Left! Hya-Left, Right, Left!
Hya-Left! Hya-Left! Hya--OH CRAP!
-nnnnnrrr-
Great! Please don't BRAIN on my parade!

 

Oh, Geez! It's so bright out here!
I went to the eye doctor this afternoon.
They dialated my eyes and now I see everything as a bright burst of power.
As soon as I hit the parking lot, my tongue smoldered and my retinas slammed into my skull.
Maybe I shouldn't be driving.

 

Fergler's Hardware, can I help you?
Yes sir. I ordered a lawnmower last week, but you accidently sent me a snow blower.
Oh, heavens! You sure don't need a snow blower in the middle of July. I'll send the mower right over.
Thank you.
Could you hurry?
Your turn!

 

-snif- I smell carrots.
Oh, look! A snowman! I LOVE snowmen!
-snif snif- FISH?

 

Wha- Am I in Heaven, or is this a Book Store?
Welcome, my child. I have called on you to manage Heaven's Book Store.
This is too much to believe! How can I be the one chosen to run such a magnificant source of books?
You, above all my children, are the most deserving of this position.
Heya, toots. I'll be your direct supervisor. Are you ready to lick some floors?
Oh, THERE it is!

 

Here at Heaven's Book Store, you are expected to scrub every shelf till it sparkles, and sell every single copy of "The Vomitarium" by Tess Likefish.
Okay, but I insist on a helper!
YOU!
Hi! Can you believe this place?
Why is this happening to me?
Cuz you're in Heaven, baby!

 

This can't be real. I must be dreaming again. ......OR.....
This must be YOUR dream! That's it! It has to be.
God I want you!
Yes?

 

If this is your dream, you better not be sleeping at work!
So, you don't believe in Heaven's Book Store?
How can this be Heaven?
But sales are up. The hours are easy. And look at all this seating!
Lady, this book you sold me is stupid!
But the customers still get a little cross with me.

 

Wow! Is that George Carlin over there? In Heaven's Book Store?
Yep. The Boss LOVES his books.
God knows that George didn't believe in Heaven?
Oh, he knows. George is on a Universal booksigning tour for the next three eternities.
But Lord only knows how to punish his favorite authors. ..
Sir? L Ron Hubbard is still on line two.

 

Oh, G. This dream is getting a little weird. I wanna wake up now.
Okay. I'll set everything back to normal. But first hand me those books, please.
OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!
AHHHHHHHH! Not the Satanic Bible! It burns! It burns!
I'm kidding! It's only Sydney Sheldon!

 

Mister? Are you okay?
Zzzzzzzzz.
I saw you fall off that ladder and bump your head. Can you hear me?
Zzzzzzzzz.
Bleed any good books lately?

 

Today I picked up my new bi-focals.
My doctor told me to be VERY careful at first. The ground will be out of perspective as I walk, and it would be very easy to fall off a step that I misjudged the distance on.
Then the gal who sold me the glasses said the same thing.
So all the way home, I made sure of every step I took. I mean I was REALLY careful!
...and then I bumped my head on a hanging plant because I was too busy looking down.

 

So, how's your head? You took quite a spill.
I almost died. I was in Heaven and you were there.
Oh, shut up and get back to work!
God I want you.
Hey. I DO LOVE YOU...but not in THAT way!

 

Welcome to the Book Store. How can I help you?
I need something that helps me get rid of bloodstains?
We offer a how-to book called "Getting it On, Getting it Off," by the Scream-Queen of Clean, Starchy Leech Curtis.
Great! I'll take it.
um..So, are you going to rub it all over my body....or what?

 

Do you really think so?
Yes, Mam.
Well...you're so sweet. I'll take it!
Yep. "The Pelican Brief" does make her butt look bigger.

 

George Clooney. OoOoOoooOo!
Egads! Who are you? A bit of undigested sausage...a dab of mustard?
I am the ghost of Batman and Robin gone by.
Later, at Jake Gyllenhaal's flat.
...and then he said he wanted to quit me.
Crap, he told me he was the ghost of Heath Ledger.

 

Honey, I'm running to the store. Did you remember to put laundry soap on the list?
Malcome. You have a greater purpose in life!
Nevermind. It looks like someone CROSSED it off.

 

Yesterday
Christain Bale was arrested last night for assault on his own mother.
Investigators are looking into the bases of these charges.
Two days ago
Mrs. Bale, what did you think of the new Batman movie?
I loved it! Especially when he whooped the ass of that clown with the smeared make-up.
Last Friday
Christain, honey? Have you seen that sex tape we made last night?

 

A Golden Girls Cast Reunion.............................................................................................................................................................................
You're late!
by christopher7murphy, 7-23-08

 

Lucy, I'm home!
Oh, Ricky. You're here just in time. We're having umfumdisi over for supper, and I need you outa the house for awhile.
umfumdisi coming here? No way. He'll just try to steal you away from me
But honey, it's his birthday.
No way! No how!
But Ricky! I wanna be on the GIGOLO!

 

After facing charges of assault against his mother and sister, Christian Bale is out of jail.
After only one hour of questioning, The Dark Knight star is confined to a luxary hotel .
The public is questioning the prefered treatment towards the Super-Hero actor.
Is being "Batman" a get out of jail free card?
Chief O'Hara, why did the courts let "Batman" back on the street?
Are you kidding? Batman made "Bale!"

 

Supposibly in 1994, a scientific paper was submitted to drop a bomb that would chemically change an enemy into a raging homosexual.
I am that bomb!
Aye Carumba! The colors! The colors! Lookeet thee colors!
Wow. I was already gay, but now I feel like shopping for nipple rings.
SOLDIER, ARE YOU GONNA JABBER ABOUT GIRLY STUFF ALL DAY, OR ARE WE GONNA RUB SLIM PICKENS?

 

So I says to the guy, "Elmer," I said, "Elmer, you have a monkey. A MONKEY!" I said.
What do I say? How do I respond?
"And if you're not careful, that monkey is gonna hop off your back and bite you on the ass!"
He's pausing. He expects me to say something. Now what? WHAT? ummm....
Rabbit season!

Showing page 28.

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