All comics by christopher7murphy

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Okay, sir. I am holding a copy of "Duck be a Lady, Tonight" and "Duck in the Middle With You" both by Gandertooth Quacks.
Please, mam. Hush! These are very sensitive books.
Yes, sir......And I ordered "A Little Down in the Mouth" by Donald Foreplay.
Thankyou, good lady. I'll be expecting your call.
That's the second little duck you've waited on today.
The secret of a good sales clerk is getting all your ducks in a row.

 

What happen to your wing?
Oh, I accidently slammed it in the car door.
Must be hard to sign your name now.
Not at all, my handwriting is just as legible with my left wing as it is with my right.
That's just a matter of a pinion!
You're despicable!

 

Here's your copy of "How to Raise Square Children in a Hip and Happening World" by Claye Goose.
Thank you very much!
Now there goes one odd duck, but she sure is one of our best customers. I wonder what she does for a living?
She's a brick layer.
That must hurt. Talk about stretchmarks.
I heard her kids are off the wall!

 

"For me alone Don Quixote was born and I for him. His was the power of action, mine of writing."
So I say...um.. umm Mr. Lipper, I can't remember my next line.
-pssst psssst-
Oh, yea. FUCK YOU!
-giggle-

 

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Where, oh, where.
Sir, could I help you find anything?
Oh, yes. Have you seen a duck come in here. Short, black, about three foot tall? It's very important.
Yes, sir. There was a duck in here about three minutes ago.
Oh, good! Did you happen to notice.... Was he wearing a condum?

 

Felix Unger?
Yes, Oscar.
I think NOW would be a good time to tell you I sold our bodies to science so I could pay off my bookie. Would you be a sport and initial the release form?
F.U...... Oscar. F. U.

 

You're just too good to be true. Can't take my eyes off you. You'd be like Heaven to touch. I wanna hold you so much.
You suck!
I LOVE YOU BABY And if it's quite alright, I need you, BABY, To warm a lonely night. Oh, pretty baby, Don't bring me down, I prayyyyyy.
Get a real Job!
She Bangs! She Bangs!
Mr. Cowell, do you call that praying?

 
Hey! Wait up!You smell goo-ooood!

 

You disgust me!
Randy Pausch has only JUST passed away, and look at you...cashing in on his death by promoting his book, "The Last Lecture."
I need three copies.

 

Earth, my child, are you responsible for driving Pluto out of my domain?
Well, we kinda had a little fling....and it didn't work out the way Pluto thought it would.
So you broke poor planet Pluto's heart?
Not my fault. I said at the beginning that it was just about sex.
Did you plan it that way?
Planet? Hell, I 'ORBED' IT!

 

Yes?
Axe to grind, lady?
Why, yes. Have you noticed the price of pickles lately?
Thank you, young man. That was very liberating.
It was my pleasure, mam. I'll be chopping up you're furniture now

 

How can I help you?
Gimme a beer.
I'm sorry. You must be an adult to be served liquor.
But I'm not a child.
I 'kid' you not!

 

I'm sorry, but we're out of the current issue of Becket's magazine.
No. It's NOT a magazine. What I'm looking for is a BOOK that comes out once a month.
You mean a magazine.
No. It's a BOOK and it comes out once a month. I get it here all the time.
Do you mean the one we keep in the MAGAZINE rack?
YES! That's the one.

 

Can I get ripe olives on my pizza?
Sure. Do you want green ones or black ones?
You work in a pizza place, and you don't know when an olive is ripe or when it's green?
?
Nevermind. Give me a cheese burger with nothing on it.
You mean just a hamburger?

 

Can I get a regular order of curley fries?
Which do you want, regular OR curley fries?
I want curley.
What size?
Regular.
-flem build up-

 

Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
-putt putt-
Wheeeeeeeeee. -grunt -- oh no urrrg uhhhh......
Ohhh geez. Oh no.

 

I'll take the steak sandwich.
And how would you like that prepared?
Medium.
No. Not what size! How cooked do you want it?
Nevermind. Just give me a shake!
(wobble wobble wobble wobble)

 

♫ Easy Reader, that's my name. ♫
He goes- Huh-Huh-Huh!
♫ Top to bottom, left to right. Drove my Nissan against the light. ♫
♫ Catch me now in 'The Dark Knight.'♫
I go- Huh-Huh-Huh!
Outtasite!

 

At the sound of the tone it will be POTTY TIME!
♫ DUNG! ♫

 

Do you remember how much you had to drink last night? And you told that lady you wanted to pleasure her a thousand times over?
Heh, heh. Yep.
And do you remember when she told you that you coudn't even do it FIVE HUNDRED times?
Heh...I showed her!
You're soaking in it.

 

I want something that makes me feel like a man!
Yes, sir.
I mean something full of cuss words and wanton sex!Something that would make a cage fighter blush!
Yes, sir.
So, what did he end up getting?
Two dictionaries and a bottle of hand lotion.

 

Do you have 'The Grape Escape?'
'The GRAPE Escape?'
Yes. It's about a bowl of fruit that spills over during World War II.
Didn't some of the escapees DESSERT and give ADE and comfort to the enemy?
Those accusations are seedless!
-wine-

 

Look. Someone must have died in an accident up ahead.
Oh...it's one of those memorials set up to make motorists think.
Don't eat at Joe's!
-snif-
I forgot about that summer.
Damn tuna salad.

 

I need a copy of Sydney SHELLdon, Stephen KINGCRAB, and Jimmy All-You-Can-Eat Buffett.
I'm sorry, but due to possible allergies, we don't serve seafood here.
But this isn't a restaurant. You're a book store, aintcha?
But you sir, are a CRAB!
And what if I told you I could have your job?
We will not serve anything in the nut family, also.

 

Honey? Have you seen my other honky? I found one honky in your mother's room, but my other honky is missing.
What was that honky doin' in my mother's room?
Your mother is always borrowing my honkies. She says my honkies make her feel incredible!
Fool, have you ever smelled your honky? My mother would be ashamed getting a honky on like that!
I guess I'll go get another pair.
And you! How many honkies do you need, woman?

 

Uncle Bernie, what's the difference between a stupid question and an unrealistic one?
Asking a prostitute for a free blow job is an unrealistic question.
Asking a cop for a free blow job is Motha Fuckin' stupid.
So, how much then?

 

"Avast ye matie! So, it's me booty yer after? Well then, take two steps to the east....."
One. Two. "And there you be! Stand tall and await your treasure....But beware! Beware the Cutlass of Black Pete's ghost!"
ARRRRG!

 

Leroy, get your honky off my clean sheets! ?...oh MAN! Take a whiff of that honky! You got shit all over your honky!
I know. I know. I've been picking the shit from the little honky holes...but this honky holds a lot of doggie doo.
That reminds me, the dog chewed up my best high heeled honkies. What ever will I wear to the cotillion now? Bowling honkies?
How about your black honkies? You look good in black honkies.
Black honkies? There are no black honkies.
Okay...your mocca brown ones then.

 

Do you have anything on Isaac Hayes ?
Well...I heard he did the voice for Chef on South Park.
No! I mean do you have any books about Isaac Hayes?
But it's still true! OH! And he's a bad ass motha' f...

 

Captain, the crew and I went together and got you a new phaser.
Happy Birthday, Jim.
I don't know what to say.
I'm stunned.

 

Penguin for sale! Penguin for sale!
The perfect pet!
Sir, it is against the law to keep a penguin as a pet.
Oh, crap! Now what will I do with this penguin?
Tiger feed for sale! Tiger feed for sale!
The perfect...HEY!

 

It is better to have loved a short man,
Sandy... at 7 foot 7¼ inches you were the tallest woman in the world.
than never to have loved a tall.
I hate you! ...No...wait. I'm sorry...I didn't mean that.
"Continued in next burial plot."
Ohhh! Why must I be so short with you?

 

I'm hungry. Where's the bitch?
Which bitch?
What do you mean, "which bitch?" The bitch with the sandwich!
The sandwich bitch? Is that which bitch?
YES! The sandwich bitch! That's which bitch!
She's pitching a bitch over the term sandwich bitch with the bitch in charge of getting rich...the snitch!

 

Welcome to the Sandwich Bitch. I'll be your Sandwich Bitch, my name is Wanda.
Here's your coffee. Careful it's hot.
You dipped your nipple into my coffee?
More cream?

 

Hey! You advertise that all your wait staff serve toppless. What gives?
Sir, here at The Sandwich Bitch, we serve toppless sandwiches.
Well, that's not right...
I offered you a bottomless cup of coffee, too. What did you think that meant?
That you were checking out my ass.
That's what the broomstick is for.

 

Here you go, one Salem Twist....
A prime rib sandwich served to the asshole with a bad part in his hair.
Hey! That's not very nice.
When you order the Salem Twist, the witch burns you at the steak!

 

Interesting . . .
Bet you the keys to my Toomsmobile that you can't make me cum in your mouth!
What kinda sucker do you think I am?
Thank God. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.

 

Dateline August 15. Photos of a dead Bigfoot kept in ex-correctional officer's freezer released to public.
DNA scientists are allowed access to the frozen sasquatch while the rest of the world await results.
"Tastes like grape!"

 

It's time for your annual review. I'm giving you a "meets standards."
"MEETS STANDARDS?" But I work hard! I diserve better!
Because of your whining, I am now giving you a "needs improvement."
What the fu...What are you doing? Kicking me in the nuts?
THAT reminds me. I'm getting a bonus this year.

 

So, how did your annual review go?
I got a "Need's kicked in the balls."
Wow, What did you do to diserve that?
I don't know.
Lucky, I guess.

 

"This document hereby declares that the party of the first part....
will rock; get down; and "party on" with the party of the second part....
until such time when all parties are partied out....
and have met the ultimate party goal of "partying until it's 1999."
Signed... Adolf Hitler- c. 1935

 

DAD! We're Outta cereal!
I'm over here, Son.
Dad! Dad! Dad! We gotta get Heebie-Jeebies! It tastes good and it's good for you!
Well...If you finish your chores....Okay.
I'm gonna have mine with milk!
Kids, ask your folks for Heebie-Jeebies...TODAY!

 

.........Burlington Animal Shelter...........
Umm...Lily? We found another orphan kitty.
Oh no....
.........Burlington Animal Shelter...........
Would ya mind...you know...um...letting him suckle?
Everytime I think I have my life back, another darn kid comes yanking on the food bags.
.........Burlington Animal Shelter...........
I feel like the last juicebox at a retard convention.
Mom, can the guys stay over for dinner?

 

Mom, Where's my REAL momma?
I don't know. I've raised over fifty of you orphan kitties...
No momma-cats?
I've never been told what happen to the momma-cats.
Chef Paul, I gotta 'nother one!
Fantastic! The momma-cats are self basting!

 

So...the fact that I have kids doesn't scare you off?
Of course not! I love kids.
Well...there's more. Most of my kids are adopted.
Nothing wrong with that... Wait...What are they?
They're cats.
Shwew! I was worried you were gonna say Methodist.

 

I found a dinosaur bone! YAY! How much is it worth?
What do you mean you don't know? You're a book store, aintcha?
How would I know what the title and author of the book I want is? That's your job, ain't it?
Do I look like I want a book on paleontology?
Honey? What are you doing?
Just practicing.

 

Psssst! So what's the plan?
First we buy a book at the Book Store with our bank card...
Then we RETURN the book and insist we get reimbursed in cash.
Why don't we just use the bank card at an automatic teller to get cash?
And miss out on the vien popping out on the clerks forehead? HA! No freakin' way!

 

Ya know, I don't mind the new bamboo sheets...but why do you insist we wear raincoats to bed?
Why do you think?
Ohhhhhh!
Damn pandas!

 

Cain, this is my oldest, Grayson. Say hello.
Ohhh..er..um...
Um...Hi...er...um... "Meow."
What the hell do you mean by that?
Nothing...I just meant..ummm..."Woof?"
YOU'RE NOT MY DAD, MAN!

 

Would you give me four quarters for this child?
Well, I don't know...
I've never "changed" a baby before.

Showing page 29.

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