All comics by ivytheplant

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by ivytheplant
5-15-06
1995
I've never had Twinkies.
Ohmigosh! You have to have one! It's part of the American experience!
15 minutes later...
Well, that was interesting, but I don't think I'll want to eat those nasty things again.
You have been touched by the Twinkie! It will be with you for eternity! Mwah ha ha ha haaa!
11 years later and 1,100 miles away...
Why do I suddenly crave Twinkies?

 

by ivytheplant
5-22-06
At a local upscale restaurant...
I ordered red potatoes because I can't eat the mashed and someone didn't cook the alcohol out of the squash.
I'm sorry ma'am, I'll get that fixed for you.
The chicken is raw and the squash is still alcoholic.
I'll have the cook prepare you a new meal, ma'am.
Have you had anything to drink tonight?
No, but I did eat the vegetables.

 

by ivytheplant
5-22-06
"I propose a "you poke it, you own it" Man Law!"
"I second! I also support it! YeeeeARGH!"
Does this mean I'm your property?
Do I still get laid?

 

by ivytheplant
6-06-06
Sometimes I wish the stories in my comics were made up...
I got a letter today from the State of Arkansas summoning you for jury duty.
But I live in Wyoming. That's 1,100 miles away.
Maybe they didn't know you moved.
I haven't been a resident of Arkansas since 1997.
I'm just passing the message on.
Why are you reading my mail?

 

by ivytheplant
6-15-06
Mt. Merapi in Java just erupted.
whats that msg from?
The newspaper. Java, Indonesia. A volcano. Not an error message.
Ohhh. Forgive me, I've had my head in this Microsoft clusterfuck all day.
When have you ever known me to use the word "erupted" if it wasn't describing a volcano or sex?
Maybe I should come home for lunch...

 

by ivytheplant
6-15-06
"Bill Gates announced today that he is stepping down from the day-to-day activities of running Microsoft and will focus on charitable work."
You know how Bill Gates could really give back to the community?
Get rid of Microsoft.
I take it you're a little frustrated at work.
Think "goat rodeo."

 

by ivytheplant
6-15-06
Durrr...
Strange, this being is not registering at all on sensors.
Hiiieeee...
No brainwave activity, no life signs, not even radar.
Bork bork bork!
I believe I have found proof of Creationism.

 

by ivytheplant
6-15-06
The chicken came first you say?
And then it crossed the road?
Are you by any chance trying to get in my pants?

 

by ivytheplant
6-17-06
Eruption, lol.
Yay! We survived the eruption!
Tsunami, lol.
Yay! We survived the tsunami!
Even bigger eruption and tsunami, lol.
...fuck this.

 

by ivytheplant
6-23-06
There's horses tied up in the parking lot of that bar.
Yup.
There's horses tied up in the parking lot of that bar.
We're in Wyoming.
There's horses tied up in the parking lot of that bar.
I'm going to go shoot supper.

 

by ivytheplant
6-24-06
I will get you, little birdie, oh yes I will.
Chirp!
*woosh--THUNK!*
I know it's wrong to laugh, but I have it all on tape...
One day I will kill her and eat her body...

 

by ivytheplant
6-24-06
Chirp chirp chirp chirp.
Chirp chirp chirp chirp.
Chirp chirp chirp chirp.
Chirp chirp chirp chirp.
What?

 

by ivytheplant
6-30-06
Don't fall in that hole!
Whatever...
ARGH!
Haha, I told you so!
I hate myself.

 

by ivytheplant
6-30-06
I put the shovels on a hanger so they wouldn't fall all over the place.
Righto.
But be careful, just in case. I don't want them falling on you.
Yeah, well, what's the chances of that happening?
CLANG!
With you? I'd say 100%.
I hate gravity.

 

by ivytheplant
6-30-06
You should carry this little knife on your belt loop and tucked into your back pocket. I assure you it won't get lost.
What if it comes unsheathed and stabs me in the ass?
Oh come on. The chances of that happening is nil. It never happened to me when I carried it.
Okay, fine.
A few hours later...
Hey, that knife has come unsheathed a bit...
AAUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!

 

by ivytheplant
7-03-06
"A hobo, clown, bagpipe player, ballerina, and military officer are trapped in a huge cylinder."
Where's the punchline?
That was the description of the Twilight Zone episode on now.
Quick! Wish it into the cornfield!

 

by ivytheplant
7-03-06
"It is possible that, if gravitons exist, Superman is able to generate them and therefore, fly."
Superman can generate gravitons by himself.
Haha!
What the fuck are you talking about?

 

by ivytheplant
7-12-06
I was thinking about a penis today.
Was it mine?
Of course it was. I only think about yours.
I think about other penises when I'm fantasizing.
You know, when I fantasize about penises.

 

"Put your pants back on!"
It's like they know me...
by ivytheplant, 7-23-06

 

by ivytheplant
7-27-06
One day at the ranch...
So I says, "Well, them rotor turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
But they do generate enough electricity to sell to the highest bidder.
Kiss me, Bob.

 

by ivytheplant
8-01-06
"The Death Zone. A place where life cannot exist. Where all things begin to die."
Wal-Mart.
"What is it that allows men and women to endure situations that would kill most people?"
Sales on NASCAR merchandise.
"And why do they seem to thrive on experiences that scare the rest of us...to death?"
Because they're stupid.

 

by ivytheplant
8-01-06
I just read a letter to the editor blaming the social security crisis on abortion.
...
Apparently since 40 million fetuses were aborted, they didn't grow up to become tax payers that fund baby boomers' social security.
Also something about the population declining because of it.
And then the candy fairy will turn the world to peppermint.

 

by ivytheplant
8-03-06
"You'd have to go to the ends of the earth to find REAL naked girls!"
Remember when Girls Gone Wild was just a bunch of girls showing tits?
You already said that.
"For a limited time offer, get Girls Gone Wild: First Timers for only $9.99!"
Really?
Those exact words.
"You'll never know what these hot college girls will do next!"
Well I'll be damned.
...I want to see girls gone wild.

 

by ivytheplant
8-03-06
While making a comic...
I don't like this guy looking at your ass.
Let me see.
Honey, it's just a comic.
I don't like the depraved look in his eye.

 

by ivytheplant
8-03-06
You agree with boorite so we disagree with everything you say.
I said Hizbollah needs to be stopped and Israel needs to defend itself.
Stop calling for the extinction of the Jews!
I like comic books.
Jew-hater.
Launch rockets...

 

by ivytheplant
8-03-06
Let me get this right: You say boorite and I are racist and called for the extinction of the Jews when we've not only never said that, but said the complete opposite?
Omg you teh racist fagzors!!111!
But you all have been calling for the extermination of the Arabs?
...
And you're calling us racist?
Ur teh bannzored.

 

by ivytheplant
8-10-06
Crap, I had something important to tell him, but now I can't remember.
Mmm...intarnets...
Gah! I know it was essential to tell him! Gah! What is it? Think, think! Oh, I remember now!
Penis. Lewl.

 

by ivytheplant
8-10-06
One day at the orbital prober...
So I says, "Well, them planets ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves!"
Ha ha!
Yes they can, you stupid fuck.

 

by ivytheplant
8-23-06
Look at these. Tools for women that are "stylish." Lewl.
HISSSSSSSSSSS...
So how do you really feel about this?
I need guns. Lots of guns.

 

by ivytheplant
8-26-06
I need some of these Wonder Dogs for my bench's dog holes.
*snchh!*
What?
I'm sorry, but...
I need wonder dogs for my dog holes?
There is no way to end this comic showing me rofling without it looking like buttsex.

 

by ivytheplant
8-28-06
This is my mother...
This is the man who is banging her daughter.
Let's watch...
So, you're a librarian.
Your daughter gives the best blowjobs.

 

by ivytheplant
8-30-06
Did you just ask me where France got all those black people?
Um...no. I didn't say anything.
Hrm...
Going senile...

 

by ivytheplant
9-04-06

 

by ivytheplant
9-04-06

 

by ivytheplant
9-04-06
I know you're sick, but you fell asleep on your break and went over by ten minutes. You're fired.
Oh no. Whatever shall I do? [/sarcasm]
Do you realize what this means?
Freedom?
You are banned from ever working at Wal-Mart again.
So what's the bad news?

 

by ivytheplant
9-04-06
Hi Ivy! How's civilian life? Do you miss working at Wal-Mart?
Let me put it this way: While I was at Wal-Mart, I was depressed, broke, lonely, and ready to move back in with my parents.
Now I'm happy, engaged to a wonderful man, in a larger house, can pay the bills, and my blood pressure is low.
So, no plans to rejoin the Wal-Mart family?
Only with a nuke from orbit.

 

by ivytheplant
9-06-06
"...drilled from behind, the ball pops loose!"
*rewind*
"...drilled from behind, the ball pops loose!"
*rewind*
"...drilled from behind, the ball pops loose!"
*rewind*

 

by ivytheplant
9-10-06
I long To hear the story of your life, which must Take the ear strangely.
I'll deliver all; And promise you calm seas, auspicious gales And sail so expeditious that shall catch Your royal fleet far off.
Drop the weapon, turn around, and spread 'em!
The modern American justice society is fraught with racism and social injustice. Ironic considering the foundations in which the...
y halo thar
i want it in my ass omg lol butsecks

 

by ivytheplant
9-11-06
Gee, Timmy. Why is everyone so excited about September 11th?
Well Sally, tomorrow Terror Claus flies his plane down into the skyscrapers of all the little children.
And he leaves them presents of debris, infernos, and mangled bodies.
I hope I get respiratory disease.
I'd like a Mr. Softee 8 inch dildo myself.

 

by ivytheplant
9-11-06
"Warning: everyone is at risk from a flood!"
"Everyone?"
According to FloodSmart.gov, your homeowner's insurance won't protect you!
Jihad...
Bob, you're an idiot.
The pamphlet was very convincing.

 

by ivytheplant
9-13-06
Day 1
Your hosting subscriptions have been cancelled. Please make payment immediately.
I already paid for the month. Here's documentation as proof.
Day 3
Your hosting subscriptions have been cancelled. Please make payment immediately.
I already paid for the month. Here's documentation as proof.
Day 5
Your hosting subscriptions have been cancelled. Please make payment immediately.
I already paid for the month. Here's documentation as proof.

 

by ivytheplant
9-17-06
Hey, nice tits.
You rang?
Sorry to dissapoint you, but they're man tits.
Are they hot?

 

by ivytheplant
9-17-06
I'm sensing sadness in this room where Random Celebrity died.
No shit.
You don't respect me as a Sensitive. You don't respect my abilities. They're real! *cries*
Yeah, whatever. Get on with it.
ARGH! I'm being possessed! RAAAR! I AM HOWARD HUGHES!
What a cunt.

 

by ivytheplant
9-19-06
*Stripcreator is currently down*
Now what do I do? Chores? Study?
"These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise..."

 

by ivytheplant
9-19-06
How come when someone speaks Klingon or another language on Star Trek, the universal translator doesn't translate it?
Microsoft. The automatic update fucked it.
Captain, the computer is currently translating everything into Esperanto.
And we just got used to Pig Latin.
Except for deck five, where it's looping passages from Scientology texts.
Damn you, Bill Gates!

 

Arrr! Ye olde buttsecks!
Errr...
by ivytheplant, 9-19-06

 

by ivytheplant
9-19-06
Englebert Humperdinck.
Scientology.
Buttsecks!

 

by ivytheplant
9-20-06
THE FORUMS ARE BACK ONLINE! THE FORUMS ARE BACK ONLINE! by mandingo
Yeah, right. Like I'm going to fall for that one. Nice try.
Weeks later...
"Hey Ivy, the forums are back online."
Suuuure they are. Just how gullible do you think I am?

 

by ivytheplant
9-20-06
There's a very gay-looking French man in a puffy pink silk shirt rhythmically stroking a series of glass tubes jutting up from his waist.
...
Now there's a French stereotype girl with her tits popping out.
"Are you watching Cinemax again?"
Star Trek.
"Let me know when the buttsecks starts."

 

by ivytheplant
9-23-06
"Join the army and get a free sports watch!"
Who the hell would fall for that?
Does the watch have a laser pointer on it?
Uh, sure.
Sign me up!
Goddman commercials.

Showing page 29.

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