All comics by El_Phen

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by El_Phen
5-06-06
Damn, that was some BAD Viagra I just had.
Bad Viagra? What happened?
Well, I was preparing myself for a night of passion, popped a tablet because I'd heard it 'improves performance' and instantly became violently sick with an incredible headache.
Wow, that's horrible.
Yeah, I think I'm allergic or something.
What to? Erections?

 

by El_Phen
5-06-06
Dave is in a bar, need I go on?
Hello Dave from Perfect Virus, I couldn't help but notice that, since you're still alive, that you are, in fact, NOT a perfect Virus as surely a Perfect Virus would have killed you and spread by now.
Dude, its just a band name. Get over it.
I cannot accede to that request as it is physically impossible for me to 'get over' the name of your band as it is merely a collection of spoken syllables and not a physical structure.
Dude, go away, I'm gonna go back stage, smoke some weed, get high, and try to forget you exist.
Again, I must point out that you cannot 'get high' by 'smoking weed'. No amount of illicit drug inhilation will alter your current position in relation to the Earth's surface.
Maybe not, but your mother went through the roof when I fucked her last night.

 

by El_Phen
5-06-06
Bad Puns AHOY!
I love playing with my cock.
I quite enjoy a good porking too.
But, like I said to the milk maid, who complained about only getting cream from the cow, "Pull the Udder one".
That's Bull.

 

by El_Phen
5-07-06
Some time in the 1980's...
Ozzy Osbourne will never sell out and do some crappy MTV show will he?
Umm.
I've got a great job like a surgeon or a test pilot right?
Umm.
Well, I get to have sex with dozens of women every weekend don't I?
Umm.

 

by El_Phen
5-07-06
Some time in the 1980's...
Hello, my name's Dave. What's yours?
I'm Neil. I'm going to be a Rock God when I grow up!
Wow! I Want to be a Rock God too!
You know what? We should form a band.
Can I play?
No, Paul, you said you wanted to be a butcher or something. Something about a sausage fest anyway

 

by El_Phen
9-22-06
So, some guy called Dave was gay and this Chris2 person was a cunt...Why the hell would they want this information on their graves? What is WRONG with these people?

 

by El_Phen
9-22-06
So, Dave, we're dead then.
Yup. Runaway bus got me, how'd you go?
I made one too many Star Wars references.
How can that kill you?
Well, Chris1 pulled his pants down and I said "That's no moon..."

 

by El_Phen
9-22-06
I see we ended up in Hell then.
I can't say I'm too surprised really, what with all those jokes, movies and generally high levels of hatred for all religion.
Do you reckon there'll be anything good about being here?
Yeah, why'd you think it was so good to know Neil all this time?
Look, make it happen ok?
Yes my Master.

 

by El_Phen
9-22-06
So, are you bored yet with the prospect of spending eternity down here with pretty much only me as company?
You know until this moment I hadn't thought about that. I think I'm going to cry.

 

by El_Phen
9-23-06
At the wake of Chris2 and Dave, Stuart and Chris1 discuss the days activities
Dave and Chris2 are dead.
Yes, it's always a tragedy when it's someone you know.
Still, it was a lovely funeral.
Yes, quiet reflection, moving words, beautiful music..
You're right there, the Imperial March music from Star Wars was particularly apt. It's the way they would have wanted it.
Yeah, especially when James started masturbating over the coffins shouting that he couldn't let them go without one more facial.

 

by El_Phen
9-30-06
Yet another day in Hell for Chris2
So, Chris2, seeing as how you're new to Hell I'll show you around.
Here's where we keep the Lake of Fire, over there is the Pit of Despair and over there is the Rock of Doom
What's that giant empty arena over there for?
Oh that? That's for Stuart, when he dies. We're going to force him to play Illuminati against Phil for eternity while being looked down on by the people from Tech Support in India.
Look, I know this is Hell and stuff but that's just CRUEL!

 

by El_Phen
9-30-06
Upon arriving in Hell Dave is summoned to the throne of Satan himself, no doubt to answer for his innumerable crimes.
DAVE!
Yes oh Dark Lord of the Underworld?
You had sex with a human female thus causing Hell to freeze over did you not!?
Yup.
Do you know how long it took me to get the furnaces burning again?
Do you know how long it took me to get some?

 

So, Dave, how do you like Hell then?
This is shit.
by El_Phen, 10-10-06

 

by El_Phen
10-10-06
So what part of Hell is this?
Ah this is another reserved area. It's for Darren.
But it's a pub? how can this be Hell for him?
It only sells Whiskey and the only song on the Juke Box is by Yoko Ono.
You bastard!

 

by El_Phen
10-10-06
This is the first Games Night without Dave and Chris2. It's going to be a bit strange.
Yeah, for once neither one of those little bastards are going to make fucking Star Wars references. I hated them.
Too soon?
No, I always thought you liked Star Wars, who gives a shit about those two?

 

by El_Phen
10-10-06
When entering a password.
Hmmm. It's an older code but it seems to check out.
When Neil's on Honeymoon.
You rebel scum.
When Chris2 has 'problems' and needs 'pills'.
*tut* Always with you it CANNOT be done.

 

by El_Phen
10-14-06
Hey Dave, it's been quite a while. You wanna maybe do a gig or something?
Sure, let's do it!
Umm. How 'bout we leave it for a few months, you know, don't want to rush or anything.
Yeah. I got stuff to do any way.
Meanwhile, at the gig...
Hello? Dave, Neil? Anyone? They would've told me if they were going to cancel. They still remember I'm in the band...I'm lonely...There are badgers here...And no sausage.

 

by El_Phen
10-28-06
One night, Chris and his lovely other half Michelle decide to have a party.
I know dear, let's have a PARTY. Wont that be WONDERFUL!?
Yes dear, indeed it would. I believe that we shall invite all of our friends and party like twas 1699.
All is well until Dave arrives
Fo shizzle mah bee-hatches. Wassup in da HOUSE! Yo! Butler boy-ee! Get me mah Rosé now! Ah be da god-damn MAN!
My word, what a rogue.
Then the inevitable happens...
Ah Dave , I see you have the donkey mask. Let the festivities and ass-raping begin!
*Mmmmm* Let's get it on James!

 

by El_Phen
10-28-06
After the game of 'Glue the tail to the donkey', Dave and James go back to the party proper.
Time to get me some Rosé while pretending to be a hard-drinking, hard-fighting, hard trousered MAN!
Time to get back to Sharon and try and explain where the donkey mask went...and why it smells of Dave...Mmmm, Dave.
Meanwhile, at the party the lights have gone out for some reason.
...So I said "Well, Leanne wanted it in there so why SHOULDN'T I use the monkey attachment?
I thought she liked the donkey mask more? I mean, He LOVES it.
DUDE! I'm standing right here!

 

Hi Dave, are you having fun?
Everything's Rosé
by El_Phen, 11-04-06

 

by El_Phen
11-05-06
Nothing quite like a walk on a scary Hallow'en night.
RARR! I am the Ghost of Death! I come from beyond the grave to take your soul!
RARR!?
Oh, sorry Dave. Didn't see it was you. Stealing your soul could hardly be any worse than your life right now so I'll just go ok?

 

by El_Phen
11-05-06
RARR! I am The Ghost of Death! I come to claim your soul!
RARR!? Come on! Help me out here? I'm a grim spector and stuff. Be scared!
I live in Kirkby. How scared do YOU think I'll be?

 

by El_Phen
11-05-06
RARR! I am the Ghost of Death! FEAR ME!
RA....
Sorry Master, you looked a bit like Dave there...ummm....Gotta go.

 

by El_Phen
11-05-06
RARR! I am the Ghost of Death! I will eat your soul!
RARR!? Hold on. What are you doing? Why are your hands down your pants? What's that donkey suit over there? Why are you smiling?
Just lie back and think of Dave. I do.
AARRGH!

 

by El_Phen
11-05-06
RARR! Ok!? I'm the Freakin' Ghost of Freakin' Death and I'm going to Freakin' EAT YOUR SOUL!
Well, I'm the Stuart of burning everyone. Guess what I'll do to you?
Hold on Stuart? Hang on, you killed me! Your crusade against the IT industry in India forced me to lose my job and then my life when we all got fired!
So now you want to avenge your death or something?
What? No! I owe you man. Best move I ever made becoming the Ghost of Death. I kill a bunch of people and don't have to pretend I care about computers. You can go dude. Thanks.

 

by El_Phen
11-05-06
RARR! I am the Ghost of Death etc. etc.
Several hours later...
...and that's why you're not The Ghost of Death. You're just a stupid apparition, probably from that pathetic attempt at a Haunted House over there on the hill. Take my advice and try again.
But I couldn't even scare HIM! I should just go.
Yeah, I suppose he's right. Stupid really...
Wait a minute!

 

by El_Phen
11-05-06
RARR! I am The Ghost of Death! Prepare to die mortal fool!
Can't we just discuss this?
NO! RAAARRR!
One soul eating later...
Well, I'm a ghost now. Am I supposed to kill people too?
Pretty much, yeah. On the plus side at least you don't have to worry about Chris1 kicking/smacking/grabbing you in the balls anymore. And James ususally can't anally rape you either.

 

by El_Phen
11-06-06
*whistling*
And don't try tell ing ME it's a good idea to send IT jobs to India AGAIN!

 

by El_Phen
11-07-06
Darren..................................Neil
Well, first I get them drunk...that's pretty much it.
I prefer to use my evil Jedi mind powers to make them submit to my will. Then the anal happens!
Dave...................................Chris1
When I wanted ladies to notice me I'd try and strike up a conversation, get too embarrassed, not say anything and go home frustrated. These days I just stay at home and save on taxi fare.
Why would you want to attract ladies? Viking's are where it's at!
Stuart....................................James
I threaten to withold their heroine unless they give it up.
Rohipnol!

 

by El_Phen
11-16-06
This is pretty much every conversation I've had with my brother in the past 10 years or so.
Hey man. It's been while, what you up to?
Oh, you know, work.
Several uncomfortable, silent minutes pass...
Ok. Well I guess I'll see you at Christmas then?
Yeah, later.

 

by El_Phen
11-21-06
Raaaar! I am the Ghost Of Death and I come for your soul!
$20? Get outta here.

 

by El_Phen
11-21-06
James keeps us here until he's horny.

 

by El_Phen
11-21-06
Well, there's the 300th game in a row won. Time to bask in my glory
WOW! Dave! You were amazing! I wish I was as good as you, both in games and with women.
Yeah Dave, you owned all of us in that last game. Your tactics, planning and gamesmanship were amazing to behold.
Dave is a king among men. I worship him as some sort of God.
I wish I could be like Dave. In every way.
I'm sorry, even in a dream I can't bring myself to say anything nice. I'll just mime that I think Dave rapes donkey's because sheep are out of his league.

 

by El_Phen
11-28-06
Hmmm. James seems quiet. I wonder what he's thinking.
Damn it! Why can't I insult Dave? Must...tell...him...he...loves... cock.
He must be thinking of ways he can show me how great I am. Damn it, it's good to be me.
Must...say...Ass...Goblin
It's ok James, just TELL me that I'm the man you wish you were and that you've only mocked me all these years 'cos I'm great.
AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH

 

by El_Phen
11-29-06
Hmm. I wonder where everyone's gone to. It's just e and James. Oh well, as long as he adores me that's ok.
...Die...Dave...Die
Damn it I'm great. I'll just think about all the ways I've been great today...
Must use mental powers to screw with Dave
Arrrggghhh! A donkey Mask!
Score!

 

by El_Phen
11-29-06
You know Chris2, I couldn't be a nurse like you, you know, being surrounded by death all day would really mess me up
...
Sorry Neil, didn't see you there

 

by El_Phen
12-02-06
Hey baby, you wanna ride the Dave Love-Train?
Sure, there's still three minutes 'til the commercials end.
Seconds later
Uh! Uh! Uh! Yeah, take it bitch.
Umm Dave, I'm not in bed yet.
So who the hell was that?
Hello, Stud.

 

by El_Phen
12-03-06
Bambi
Well, got the little bastard. You sure you don't want to eat the front end too?
Heh-heh-heh.
He's Spartacus, that one over there
Spartacus
Oh fu..

 

by El_Phen
12-05-06
Excuse me, nurse.
Yes?
I need a STAT dose of ass, now!
I'm a guy.
Can you at least...
No.

 

by El_Phen
12-08-06
We're coming for you Dave.
Yes Dave, we will make you ours once more.
I get to go first!
WAAAGGH! Why can't I wake up!? Why!?
Mmmm, I like the view.
Send some o' that fine ass over here boy.

 

by El_Phen
12-08-06
...And in other news a local man was gang raped last night by a number of men wearing donkey masks.
When questioned the victim commented that the situation was "Uber-Gay"
Police are interviewing several suspects known to the Animal Mask, Man-Rape section of the police.
Early indications are that at least two of the gang have a number of sexually transmitted diseases found in a variety of mammals from marmosets to badgers
Additionally, several NEW hybrid viruses were discovered that will invariably cause a slow, lingering death for their carrier.
When this was brought to the victims attention he is reported as saying that "At least I'm not Chris2. However bad it gets I'll never have it THAT bad."

 

by El_Phen
12-08-06
Well, with those Donkey mask wearing rapists in prison I'm free to go unmolested by deviant people like them.
Hi Dave.
Oh fuck.

 

by El_Phen
12-10-06
In the year 2008!, following the massive advancement in medical technology in 2007 of Full Head transplants, people will be able to change bodies as easily as they change clothes.
From this...
...to this, in less than a day. Hold on, why the fuck am I so fat?
Patented 'Humour-bots' will take away the need for imagination and create all things that need to be funny in the world.
...and when you come to the end of the speech say 'We all knew aunt Betty would be missed. It's a shame the bus didn't.'
Of course, with the massive economic wealth generated by the newly rich Far-East countries, 'Sucky-sucky fi dorra' jokes will be made illegal in the hope that they don't sell us to the French.
Ha! Who love WHO long time now!?
Yeah bitch, you give rim-job I think about not making family destitute.

 

by El_Phen
12-18-06
Damn, that was close!
It's a good thing Chris was able to distract those zombies. Shame he didn't make it before we boarded up that door.
*THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP* *THUMP*
Let me in you bastards! Let me...AAARRRGGGHH!
You think he was upset that we threw that barbeque sauce on him to make him tastier?
It's the way he would have wanted it.

 

Ok. Next time Miss Hilton can I suggest you not visit a boyfirend before coming to a gynaecology appointment.
by El_Phen, 12-18-06

 

by El_Phen
12-21-06
Wow Santa, how are you able to afford to give away all those expensive presents for free each year?
Ummm.
Earlier that year...
Ja, Baby. Scheiße in meinem Mund. Groß! Bumsen Sie jetzt meinen Esel Sie elfen Hure!
Definitely NOT Gay scat porn movies. And if that bastard twinkles says anything else it's a filty lie.
...

 

...And in other news today, 'Gravity' was officially passed as a law today. Anyone breaching this 'Law of Gravity' is liable to an unlimited fine and up to 3 years imprisonment.
Superman, airline pilots and kangaroos lead the protests against this new law and have vowed to continue in their gravity-defying activities.
by El_Phen, 2-09-07

 

...So then I said "No, ROCK is a portmanteau of 'Robotic and Cock' why would I enjoy shoving a piece of stone up there?" The police picked me up about two weeks later and here I am. How 'bout you?
by El_Phen, 2-16-07

 

by El_Phen
2-19-07
Well, one of us is going to have to run out there to see if the zombies have gone. I vote for Steve.
Steve.
Steve.
Steve.
Steve.
Jo..Ah fuck.

 

by El_Phen
3-07-07
So do you think he put his cock away after we left or what?
Hey, I'm still tryin' to supress the memory here!

Showing page 3.

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