All comics by RetardedHistory

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by RetardedHistory
9-14-11
Jesus, Queen, did you finally get a haircut?
I'm younger, you crazy far-right douche. My stories are fresh and I get to return to my classic days as a bold-faced crusader.
Fresh, eh? That's why your enemies use Youtube to broadcast their crimes? Ooh, look at Green Arrow! His stories are fresh because the writers referenced something current!
It's not like that, Carter, they just needed a reminder that THIS emerald archer lives squarely in the 21st century.
Five issues later...
The Trickster has been using a QR code via his iPhone 5 to find my identity. Hack into his LinkedIn account and search his movements!

 

by RetardedHistory
9-14-11
Alright, lads.
Hey, Constantine! I've heard you're closer to the main storylines in this reboot.
I've never heard that accent before. Where are you from?
Liverpool.
What the hell? Someone just took the hubcabs from my Bentley!

 

by RetardedHistory
9-14-11
I can't believe what we saw today, professor! Ancient Rome, Edo Japan, Regency England. It's been fantastic! History has never come alive!
That's great, Wendy! But the point of my class is that you don't need a time machine to see history. It's all around you! In books and in art, and in architecture.
Wow! I never thought of it that way! See you tomorrow!
...I remember when I could pick up tail with this thing.

 

by RetardedHistory
10-23-11
Hey Ollie, you ever wonder what it would be like if we existed in the real world?
I guess not...
Minimum ten? Really?
Well, to be fair, you did run around shooting deadly weapons at people.

 

by RetardedHistory
10-23-11
You can't stop me this time! Those magic mushrooms will have reached the inner city neighbourhoods by now!
How did you do this, Lex?
Quite simple really. I had backup this time. A high class groups of drug runners dealing exclusively in mushroom hallucinogens. Superman, meet...
The Legion of Shroom!-
You KNOW I HATE PUNS, Lex!

 

by RetardedHistory
11-04-11
Come on, Joker, shoot me! I'm begging you!
Why the hell do you want me to do that?
My career's failing. I'd love to get into IT. And the word on the street is, getting shot and crippled by the Joker is the best way to become a computer genius without any prior expertise whatsoever.
Who told you that?
Barbara Gordon. Well, she paraphrased.

 

by RetardedHistory
11-04-11
Alright, love? Haven't seen you in here before.
It's Lana Lang! You don't recognise me because I look nothing like Kristen Kreuk!
Nick Fury?
Ah, I feel your pain, my DC amigo. Marvel were worse to me. All that character development, and Samuel L Jackson plays 'ultimate' me and swoops all the kudos!
Yeah? Well I got played by Keanu Reeves.
There is much evil in this world, my friend.

 

by RetardedHistory
12-06-11
Look, I may have my own unique brand of justice, but Batman has one rule. I never kill.
You know, that's a load of crap. Ya really think that's how it works? Knocking people on the head and leaving them for the police?
What are you getting at!
Ever hear the term 'massive head trauma', Bats? How about 'subdural hematoma'? You know what I do when you arrest me, even before calling my lawyer? I get a freakin' CAT scan!
Oh.
Yeah.

 

by RetardedHistory
12-07-11
1996...
I tell you...Batman and Robin is going to be the best of the bunch. We're bringing the shocks, the thrills...
You know what? let me stop you there. Batman and Robin will be a terrible movie. Arnie as Mr Freeze? Ooh, inspired! Pah. And Joel Schumacher is a tumour nestled into the franchise's cerebral cortex.
You...you will rue the day you said that.
Ah, don't worry, Bane. That guy's just a screenwriter. What can he do?
Good point.

 

by RetardedHistory
12-07-11
I tell you guys...this has been a long time coming. I finally get a film where I can be myself. Not Frankenstein's monster.
Yeah, that Nolan's a good guy.
In fact, I'm gonna make an appearance on set tomorrow. Maybe buy Tom Hardy a beer.
The next day...
This...*cough* *cough* this is the intrument of your liberation...*gasp*
Someone is SO getting their back broken over this.

 

by RetardedHistory
12-11-11
You wouldn't shake my hand, Nicholas?! Douchebag! I'm glad I vetoed your initiatives. And...why are you dressed like a matador?
Le Matador is a symbol of Spain, oui. But he vaguely resembles le French fop, non?
I suppose.
Und vot have you got to say to me, Herr Cameron?
Angela?
Ja. Turns out ze Stripcreator does not have many stereotypes for pushy German bitches

 

by RetardedHistory
12-14-11
What's up, mudblood?
Just chillin' my mudblood, just chillin'!
Hey, mudbloods, could you just take your drinks and sit down?
What the hell? You some kind of bloodist? Get outta here!
But you just...
That is OUR WORD, bigot! You got no right using it!

 

by RetardedHistory
2-14-12
The UK's taken on a nasty new dimension for me in the last few years.
I know. You've got the TUC calling wildcat strikes left and right. Then the EDL and AFA turn town centres into a battleground every weekend.
Yeah. And this row over participation in the EU is tearing us apart. Especially the CAP.
Well, it only suggests one thing to me.
...we really can't get enough acronyms.

 

by RetardedHistory
2-19-12
Fantastic Blackadder reunion, hey, Rowan?
I don't know, Hugh, I'm feeling slightly jealous.
What do you mean?
You're a massive TV star. Stephen is the voice of the nation. Miranda did Harry Potter. Even Tony is a famous archaeologist now. My last hit was that film with Jon Lovitz.
Hey guys, Tim McCinnerny just arrived.
Now I feel better.

 

by RetardedHistory
2-23-12
Miskatonic....
Why, Professor?! Why do you no longer combat the machinations of my depraved worshipers?
It's not that I haven't wanted to! Turns out I actually have to teach now! And we've got peer reviews, academic journals...
But you are the foremost expert in mystic occultism!
Yeah, turns out people don't take that anymore. Not a lot of career options. I teach International Relations now.
You sicken me.

 

by RetardedHistory
3-05-12
I don't get what the big deal is. I just can't make a good salad.
Dude, you totally need to learn to make one. The key is tossing.
In fact, when you get a break, go and google 'toss the salad'.
Twenty minutes later...
Oh my God, what the FUCK is wrong with some people?
Hehe

 

by RetardedHistory
3-07-12
I'm at my wits' end. The fighting! The other day, we argued over whether Tom Baker or Peter Davison were the better Doctor Who, and the police ended up having to physically separate us!
Silly thing for you and her to argue about. Everyone knows Tom Baker rules.
Genuinely wouldn't have thought of him as a Davidson fan.

 

by RetardedHistory
3-07-12
Do you ever wonder if we're slightly racist characterisation?
You mean like the Disney crows? Nah. Even if we were, no one's going to get offended.
Heh heh, time to make some funny-ass comics! Wait...what the FUCK?!

 

by RetardedHistory
3-30-12
And then the fisherman turns around and says, "No, but my colostomy bag is!"
Haha!
Your turn!
Okay...And that was the last time I ever went to Paraguay!
So how was disjointed punchline Tuesday?
A resounding success.

 

by RetardedHistory
3-30-12
I still don't know why you won't tell me how your date went. We're blokes. We don't spare the nasty details.
Trust me, it's for your own good.
C'mon!
Alright...
All I'm saying is, check first. Head injuries don't always cause amnesia.
Therapy it is, then.

 

by RetardedHistory
3-30-12
Tell Chen I don't approve of his jokes. If I had taken his complaint seriously, you'd be out of a job by now. And in prison.
I mean...that sort of depravity is unimaginable anyway, but with a photocopier?
I can't believe you told on me!
That moist payroll report was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

by RetardedHistory
4-01-12
I mean, the transsexuals weren't cheap. I guess they're something of a novelty item now, 'cause I swear real female hookers don't cost that much.
But to be honest, by the time I realised I was dealing with ladyboys I was so dosed up on methamphetamines, they could've been border collies for all I knew. In fact, I think one of them was.
Anyway, that was my weekend. How are you, mum?

 

by RetardedHistory
4-01-12
Look, I don't know what you're getting at, but returning a car isn't like returning a DVD. Unless there's a serious electrical fault, no refunds.
On the advert, your Yaris comes built in with a pasta maker. I'm a hungry man! I want my fucking pasta maker!
If you'll recall, the other car has a pasta maker. The Yaris has better, more practical gadgets. That's the point of the advert.
Oh, hang on, you're right there.
What have you been doing all afternoon?
Trying to fit a badly-built pasta maker to a Toyota Yaris.

 

by RetardedHistory
4-10-12
Hello. My name is Chen Tiang. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
He loves that Princess Bride film, doesn't he?
You'd think so, but no. He's never seen it.
Wait...so what, you actually killed his father?
I'd be lying if I said it didn't damage our friendship.

 

by RetardedHistory
4-10-12
I'm thinking the Royal Oak on Saturday. Keen?
Actually, I'm meeting my sponsor. You might remember, I developed a slight dependancy last month.
"Hmm.."
Give me the FUCKING NEEDLE, Chen! I will CUT YOU IN FUCKING HALF!!!
Yeah, rings a bell.

 

by RetardedHistory
4-12-12
You look terrible! Bad night's sleep?
Yeah. And a lot of weeping.
Weeping? Did you watch Sophie's Choice again?
No, I have gonorrhea.

 

by RetardedHistory
4-12-12
Hey, Melvin, do you have the Liverpool file?
Boss...you don't have a hand! I never knew that! What happened?
It's a long, unpleasant story, involving helper monkeys, Kate Adie, polo mints and the Norfolk Broads.
Two year career break? Uh, okay, I guess.
And so the investigation begins.

 

by RetardedHistory
4-14-12
Psychic Keith just quit! He says this place's evil spirits have beaten him.
No way!
Says it's either dozens of corpses under the foundations or a really dark occult ritual.
He should have asked me, it's the first.
What, you thought you were the first Chen?

 

by RetardedHistory
4-20-12
You're all set up. There we go! You finally decided to stop putting off the speed dating!
Well, a gun was put to my head.
Oh, don't be so dramatic, we only gave you a gentle push.
No...Melvin kicked my door down and put a pistol in my mouth. I begged for my life.
What? He was procrastinating!
...

 

by RetardedHistory
4-20-12
What the hell, man, are we not friends anymore?
What are you talking about?
I saw you at that support group for people I've stalked and sexually harassed!
Oh, that. That wasn't anything against you...
I just really wanted to meet the cast of Hollyoaks!

 

by RetardedHistory
4-20-12
Look...it doesn't matter that Jenny dumped me. I'm happy! I have someone new in my life!
Fiucking hell...don't tell me you got a cat. That's what lonely people do! Soon you'll be talking to it, putting it in jumpers...
I haven't got a cat! I swear!
Arf!
...

 

by RetardedHistory
4-23-12
It's Melvin's weekend with his estranged daughter...
Dad, I read a word in the news I didn't understand...what's rape?
Oh, God...well, uh, rape is when a man forces a woman to do something she doesn't want to.
Like when you forced mum to do the washing up? Is that rape?
No. Uh, how can I explain....?
Like when you dragged that lady off the street info the basement? Is that rape?
Only when you go back to your mum's.

 

by RetardedHistory
5-11-12
Remember when I had an accident and you told me I couldn't get compensation?
Not interested, underdog!
You will be! I went to National Accident Helpline! They were great! They...
I said NOT FUCKING INTERESTED, underdog!

 

by RetardedHistory
6-05-12
Oh, hey, how was the movie? Edited review on my desk Monday, right?
It was terrible. Plot basic, characters flat, dialogue depressingly pedestrian.
You're kidding! It's got rave reviews! What was wrong with it?
So we're supposed to believe the housewife falls head over heels for the pizza boy. He was only there to deliver the extra thick sauce!
I...uh...wanted you to review Woman in Black on DVD.
And that's what I...oh, I'm going to kill that kid from Blockbusters!

 

by RetardedHistory
6-05-12
Hey, man, glad you're getting back on the market. How was your date last night?
Not great. She had 'bitch' written all over her.
Oh. That clear, was it?
No. Her flat mate is manic depressive and has a thing for indelible markers.

 

by RetardedHistory
6-05-12
Penis.

 

by RetardedHistory
6-07-12
Don't you remember the bet last night? Three consecutive wins and you have to toss my salad!
Yeah, I remember.
Shortly...
What took you so long? And you forgot the croutons!
Oh, sorry.

 

by RetardedHistory
6-14-12
So I was watching a Regan documentary. How does one guy watch Taxi Driver and think it's telling him to kill the president?
It's not such a stretch. First time I saw I Heart Huckabees I sent menstrual blood to Ian Duncan Smith.
...Wh...whose menstrual blood?
Really, Chen? That's the one you wanna open with?

 

by RetardedHistory
6-14-12
I told you that wasn't the way back to town. Where the hell are we?
I'll figure this out. I can take everyday items and work out solutions. Like that old McGyver show.
Wow! What do you need?
Let's see...a silver tray, a £5 note, a credit card and the white powder that guy over there is flashing from his pocket.
Twenty minutes later...
So, where are we?
We're in HEAVEN, Chen. HEAVEN.

 

by RetardedHistory
7-07-12
Meep.
Meep meep.
I don't know what you're complaining about. I followed your request to the letter!
What are you talking about?
You said you wanted a real android, like Ash or Bishop.
You...you need to watch more movies.

 

by RetardedHistory
7-09-12
And I guess that was a lot of fun, but...
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Yes, but your tits are down there.
No contest.

 

by RetardedHistory
8-24-12
So, I guess you're pretty happy with yourself, Bane?
Yeah, I am. A few years ago I was Poison Ivy's bitch to anyone who didn't read comics.
Now I'm a supervillain in my own right! I'm played by one of the best actors of the last ten years! I'm my own man!
...Now if anyone needs me I'll be giving Talia a rimjob.

 

by RetardedHistory
9-30-12
So, hey, did you finish the Bell Jar?
Yeah, I did.
Did you absorb the themes? The quest for identity in a conformist world? The stifling nature of the patriarchy?
No, but I did absorb that sociological factors influence intelligence and that whites are more intelligent than blacks.
You, uh...you read the wrong book.

 

by RetardedHistory
10-09-12
I can't believe you travelled in time, professor. Please tell me how you stopped Jack the Ripper!
Oh, it's simple, really. I figured this was a deeply insecure, inadequate man.
Maybe looking to project his sexual hangups into violent, abusive mysogeny characterised by vicious attacks on the women he could never appeal to.
So, I gave him an internet connection.

 

by RetardedHistory
2-05-13
Thank you for your application. If the employer doesn't contact you, it means you have been unsuccessful.
Okay, I knew that. I'm not stupid.
Just unemployable.

Showing page 3.

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