All comics by Straightshooter

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by Straightshooter
5-02-11
What's all the celebrating about citizen?
Bin Laden! We kilt him dead!
After all this time, that's amazing! I guess the war is over now, huh?
Err.... well, no...
So the war continues? Gas prices remain high? Still no healthcare for everyone? Unemployment, famine, homelessness all continue? What did we accomplish exactly?
We kilt Bin Laden! YEW ESS AYE! YEW ESS AYE!

 

by Straightshooter
5-02-11
How may eye help yeww?
I'd like a double cheeseburger with ketchup and mustard please.
Sorry, all out of hamburger, ketchup, mustard, cheese and buns.
Ok, I'll have a chef salad then.
Sorry all out of lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, salad dressing and bowls.... That will be 7.98.
FOR WHAT??

 

by Straightshooter
5-02-11
The Thinner Driver Always Has The Right Of Way...
What happened here?
Cur accident. Gurl got hit head on.
That's terrible, how did it happen?
She wus drivin' real fast and she crossed the yeller line.
Oh, so she's at fault?
She ain't at fault!! She only weighs 96lbs!!!

 

by Straightshooter
6-30-11
Hey, uh do yew know whure I kin git somethin like this?
Something like what? A fish?
Yeah, uh, do you have any old cellphones yo want to throw 'way?
Uh, nooo.
Oh, are yew sellin' anythin, cause I'm sellin my playstation... HAY, yew heard of Earnest Goes to Jail?
You ever heard of making sense?

 

by Straightshooter
6-30-11
I don't know if you know me, but I'm your upstairs neighbor.
Nice to put a face to the stomping.
I just wanted to let you know that there might be a little noise this weekend.
That'll be a welcome change to the big noise you usually make.
Oh well. Blame the thin floors.
I'd rather blame the elephant stampeding over them day and night.

 

by Straightshooter
7-02-11
Hail citizen. How will you celebrate Independence Day?
A purade!
Ohh, a parade! Who will be in it?
Real Amurikans. Good, Christian people that appreciate this country was built on hard work and decency, not deviance and lazy, drug addicted, couch potatoes collecting welfare!
What will you do after the parade?
Gunna sit around and git drunk and blow up frogs with M-80's with my girlfriend before her husband gits home...

 

by Straightshooter
7-06-11
Ugh, the music in this restaurant is terrible. Songs about father's wayyy too close to their daughters, Jesus being an American and riding in trucks...
Yeah, today's hillbilly has gotten soft.
What do you mean?
Waylon Jennings, George Jones and Johnny Cash would sing about getting drunk, chasing women and riding horses.
The 'good ole' days, huh?
I'd like to kick your ass just once.

 

by Straightshooter
7-17-11
Inspection time!
Again? We just had one a few months ago!
I know, I'm sorry about that.
Oh, an apology? Ok, accepted.
Yeah, I should have been here every month, but I've been so busy pretending to enforce the rules that I lost track of time....
It's not easy being a complete idiot, is it?

 

by Straightshooter
7-17-11
No, no, this won't do. This room is a pig sty...
You realize there is not a thing in it, don't you?
It just won't do.
What WILL do?
Well....nothing actually. My job is to nitpick your homes so you'll always be concerned with what is truly important in life, keeping a spotless house.
Now I know why you're on mood stabilizers....

 

by Straightshooter
7-17-11
Well, I GUESS I'll pass you, though I'm not very happy about that speck on your faucet.
That's very nice of you.
I'm not a bad person. I don't like doing this anymore than you like enduring it, but I have no choice, it's my job.
Sure, we all have a job to do.
Thanks for being so understanding.
No problem, fuckface.

 

by Straightshooter
7-17-11
What a beautiful day! It's so peaceful out here!
Sometimes, it's so good to just be left alone, to think and breathe and enjoy nature.
Hey, what are you doing?
Well, that's over....

 

by Straightshooter
7-17-11
I still can't find your house on Google maps. You are more remote than I am! Are you Amish now?
Whenever I try to find yours, all I see are trees! Are you living in the forest like some disconnected Vietnam Vet?
Vermont might be the only place worse than Kentucky!
Doubt that! I have deer running through my backyard. What's running through yours?
Unruly children and secret meth heads usually.
Why do you even open your mouth?

 

by Straightshooter
7-17-11
"You've been thinkin' and I've been drinkin....."
".....I'lllll be all right, a one way or another So let me goooo, or make me want to stayyyy...."
....IF THIS IT, PLEASE LET MEEE KNOW! "
Ohhh, that's totally embarassing.... I just don't know for who.

 

by Straightshooter
7-18-11
What's up bub?
I'm high right now!!!!
Whaaaaat? Not you! What are you high on????
FABULOSO cleaner. I used it for my last apartment inspection. 'Ocean Paradise' is truly a paradise for the senses! I can't wait to clean something again!!!
Oh dear, you really do sound hooked. I guess it was only a matter of time before they got to you down there.....
ARRIBA!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

by Straightshooter
7-19-11
HELLO! I AM THE BURGER KING! I've come to ask for your help in bringing a Burger King to Morehead, KY!
There isn't a Burger King in Morehead already?
Once, a Burger King restaurant stood tall in this town, happily making hamburgers your way. But alas, inexplicably the town revolted and chased the Burger King from its borders forever!
But there is a McDonalds, a Taco Bell, a KFC, Dominos, Pizza Hut, Sonic, Wendy's, Arby's, Hardee's, everything here. Why did they just turn against BK?
That's a Whopper of a question....
How did I get on CSI: Miami?

 

by Straightshooter
7-23-11
BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thunder??
Upstairs neighbor.
CRASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thunder???
Neighbor.
BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Neighbor???
THUNDER!

 

by Straightshooter
7-23-11
Hey mate, where the bloody hell am I?.
Who the bloody hell are you?
I'm Amy Winehouse. Haven't you ever heard of me luv?
I did read something about you today.
I'm sure it was some bollocks about me drug use. Sod em', I'm here to get right at your meth recovery center luv!
You're a little late.....

 

by Straightshooter
7-24-11
Cave Run Lake looks pretty good today. I can't wait to get in!
I agree. They did a good a job cleaning up the dozens of Port-A-Poti's that washed into it during the last flood.
Yeah, they put a bunch of chemicals in the lake to take care of that.... AND before you start, they restocked the lake with new fish!
So, it's like it used to be, only having to worry about the occasional dead HUMAN body popping up?
That ass kicking is coming, you know....
I have it marked down on my calendar.

 

by Straightshooter
9-07-11
There is a little kid that keeps staring at me.
Try smiling at him.
Crap, a different kid! What do I do with this one?

 

by Straightshooter
10-13-11
I'm here to list all the defects in the apartment so we can have them corrected in time for the inspection.
I had wondered what was keeping you. It's been almost two weeks since the last one.
Hmm, I can see the corroded pipe under the sink needs painting. The rusted feet on that old broken oven need painting and that loose handle on the refrigerator....needs painting.
Why fix when you can paint, right?
Hmmm, do you see that loose thread on the carpet in the far corner over there?
Needs painting, right?

 

by Straightshooter
10-13-11
Hey, were hur to do sum werk round here fur the apartment.
Cmon in.
I kun see the problem. Yer icebox door opener is brokin. I'll jest take it off so it wunt bother yew no more.
I thought it was supposed to be painted?
After I takes it off, I'm a gunna paint it.
Seems logical to me

 

by Straightshooter
10-13-11
Ok, I kun fix dis here door closer in yer bedroom hur. It'll slam louder than any door yew ever seed befur.
Why would I want my bedroom door to slam loudly?
Da same reason I made yer stereo play louder.
That wasn't even on the list!
I'm jest tryin' tew thank how I'm gunna make the shower louder.
Maybe with a shower door that slams louder than any yew ever seed befur?

 

by Straightshooter
10-13-11
Well, I thank wur dun hur. Time to pack up. Sorry fer the bother.
Wait a minute. All the power is off!
No, I thank it's jest gettin dark out. Yew should turn on the lights.
I can't! The power is off!
No, I thank it's jest dark out. You should turn on the lights.
Let's move on to somethimg else. Why do you smell like Skoal and Douche?

 

by Straightshooter
10-13-11
I just wanted to tell you that there are some women around here that will work for an extra 5-10 dollars.
I thought they were already paid for that kind of work?
No, I mean cleaning work. If you need some help, there are some women around here that will do it for 5-10 dollars.
Well, there's really nothing to clean. I barely live here.
Wellll, I can still tell you live here a little.
I'll try to do better....

 

by Straightshooter
10-13-11
So, what's happening? Are they still working on your apartment?
Right now, they are grunting and groaning in the bathroom.
What are they doing in there?
I keep hearing the word 'caulking' mentioned.
What cracks and openings are they filling?
I'm afraid to see.

 

by Straightshooter
10-14-11
Hi. I just wanted to tell you that your upstairs neighbor was very, very upset about hearing she disturbed you.
You mean she was very, very upset that I complained to you about it.
No, she was mortified to discover that she was bothering you.
You mean being bothered by constant stomping by her and her friends day and night is something she would be surprised by.
The point is, she is sorry
You mean sorry she got caught.

 

by Straightshooter
11-03-11
Hi, back for another inspection!
Is there even any point in having a door?
I know. We've been here a lot. But this is a very special inspection. REAC is here is to judge whether we are keeping the place up to standards.
So, this is more like your inspection, not mine?
Well, technically. But, we're still going to blame you if we fail.
Of course.

 

by Straightshooter
12-20-11
Before I send you into the abyss, do you have any final words, Wee Willie?
Yo dawg, I don't want to go out like this, G-Reap. Give me another chance dawg!
Welll...I do have something you could do, but I doubt someone like you would do it....
Anything man. Name it. I ain't ready to go no ghost yet!
There is a town called Astamouth. It's filthy and depraved. I won't set in foot in it. That's upsetting the order of things. Clean up the depravity and maybe you'll redeem yourself in the process....
CLEAN UP the depravity? Dawg, are you sure you knows what I izz?

 

by Straightshooter
12-20-11
God DAYUM, what happened here?
Dude I know got his brains kicked in by some gang. I heard he's in a coma. What a fail.
Damn boy, you don't look too broken up about it. Why so cold playa?
Hey man, it wasn't me. What do I care?
Besides, what's it to you? You're just some pimp. Shouldn't you be slappin' some 'bitches' or something?
Hey baby, you stay stuck on stupid, you the bitch that's gonna get slapped. You feel me?

 

by Straightshooter
12-20-11
Yo hustla, what you know about what went down with that gang beatin'?
Save it man. I an't talking to you.
Oh, I think you gonna be talkin, Backstreet bitch. Less you thought you'd look better with my shoe in yo ass!
Alright. I don't want any trouble. I've seen them around. They're new, brutal. They do anything they want. Why do you even want to know?
DAstamouth- Episode 3on't worry 'bout my bizness, Brad Pitt. Worry about what's gonna happen in the next 30 seconds if I don't start gettin' something I can use.
Ok, ok. They hang out at a bar two block over, called 'The Forum'. That's ALL I know!

 

by Straightshooter
12-20-11
Hey keed, watchoo doin' in this place?
Fuck off nig nog.
Punk, who you think you talkin' to, huh?
Doesn't matter. You're leaving or my friends and me are gonna kick your ass!
Oh shit, YOU part of that gang I'm lookin' fo? The one that put that other keed in the hospital?
That's it, you're over.....

 

by Straightshooter
12-20-11
Hey guys, that pimp is beating the shit out of those asshole kids!
Now beyotch, you the one that's done, git it sucka?
please...no.... more.....
Go back to yo momma's! If I see you muthafuckas around again, I'll bust a cap in all yo asses!
You'll never see us, we swear!!

 

by Straightshooter
12-20-11
Jack Ast here, outside The Forum, a noted hotspot located in the cehter of Astamouth. Tonight, gang members wanted in a vicious assault have been rounded up by a pimp, of all people....
Yeah mannn, I know what y'all thinkin'. Just anotha minstrel lookin' brotha startin' sheeet.
Tonight sir, I think most viewers are simply wondering why you did what you did?
Don't matter why. All you need to know is there's gonna be mo of it unless y'all get in line. Feelin' me jackass?
That's Jack Ast and yes, I think we.... feel you.

 

by Straightshooter
12-20-11
Ahh, there you are. I realize you're the hero of the moment... Wee Willie. But we, who are actually a part of the justice system, don't need vigilante in Astamouth.
Think of me as a concerned citizen, Money.
Yes, well it might be a good idea to take your concerns elsewhere.
You know, seems like most y'all like it better the way things are.
I'd think long and hard about what we just talked about if I were you. The next criminal might not be a pack of kids. It might be someone that doesn't care for vigilantes getting in his way...
Tell that 'someone' he gonna care if gets in my way.

 

by Straightshooter
12-31-11
Ok, what do you want?
I just dropped by to wish you a Happy New Year and to assure your service will not be interrupted in 2012!
What service???
Your daily pain, blues and agony deliveries, of course!
I ORDERED that???

 

by Straightshooter
1-03-12
GASP!!! Wow, you are just as FAT as the last time you were here! Really FAT! How can you allow yourself to look like that?
I'd like to talk about a pain I'm having.
I mean, jeez. Look at you at you! So obese, so ridiculously overweight and FAT. Just way too heavy and my God, just really, really, really, really FAT!
I'm having trouble getting my medicine approved by my insurance.
I just can't get over how much weight you are carrying. Holy Cow! Just so FAT!......See you next time.
Thanks for your help, doc....

 

by Straightshooter
1-18-12
How are you feeling?
Little better. I'm able to hobble around now anyway.
When are you going to see a doctor about your arthritis?
I had to choose my insurance before I knew who took it, only to find out later no one in Morehead does. The new plan I just switched to won't start until next month! I'm pretty sure Morehead takes it
Did you get a job with some crappy health plan?
No, this is Kentucky Medicaid.......

 

by Straightshooter
1-27-12
I can't find any chocolate around here!
I don't see any either.
I'm always bothered by kids at my door trying to sell chocolate bars for their school. Where are they now? I'd buy every one!
They sell the good stuff too.
When you want a kid knocking on your door selling chocolate bars, there never are any!
Little bastards.

 

by Straightshooter
2-27-12
What are you doing HERE???
I'm turning 40 tomorrow, so I came here to die.
That's crazy! 40 isn't the end of life. It's just the beginning!
Did you read that in a Hallmark card from the '40th birthday' section?
Well, fuck. Then how about this.... If 40 really is the end, you can die anywhere. You don't have to be here!
You're right. Let's go to Sonic....

 

by Straightshooter
4-04-12
Hi there
You don't sound like my neighbor. Who are you?
Oh, I'm his girlfriend. I'm living here now.
Oh boy, now it's two people I have to pretend I can't hear going to the bathroom!
So, where you from?
I wonder if I can hold it until they're both asleep?

 

by Straightshooter
4-06-12
Hey buddy, I'm your new neighbor across the breezeway.
You aren't 'new', you moved there from across the parking lot.
Yeahh. Just wanted to say hi. I'm a real friendly guy.
Yeah and a curious one too. You seem to be up everyone's ass all the time. I guess you don't understand the word 'privacy'?
You're right buddy, I apologize. I need to mind my own business and not bother people that want to be let alone. I won't bother you anymore.
He'd never come to that conclusion. I just wanted to see what it would look like if he did.....

 

by Straightshooter
4-19-12
Season 4 Finale: Part 1
Ok look, I can't keep meeting you in your bedroom. People will talk.
I thought one could find God anywhere?
You can find me anywhere, but that doesn't mean we have to stay where you found me!
Well, I don't need you angry at me, so where would you like to go and talk?
How about B-Dub's? I have a craving for some Carribean Jerk.
I better leave that alone if I want his help

 

by Straightshooter
4-19-12
Season Finale: Part 2
Hey, this place is great! But souldn't the waitresses be dressed skimpier?
That's Hooters. You'd think you'd know that
Sorrrry. Clothes confuse me. In my day, everyone was nude.
Can we get to my problem now?
Ohhhhh. Alright, Mr. Serious, let's have it...
Ok. ....I've decided to give up.

 

by Straightshooter
4-19-12
Season Finale: Part 3
You're going to give up?? Oh my me, not this crap again!
Seriously. I turned 40 a couple of months ago and I'm looking at the big picture. It seems like it's gonna get worse from here.
Boy, you know how to ruin a good time, don't ya? Ok... I understand. You're depressed, out of your element and disenchanted with your future, right?
That's right.
Yeah, it's not a good time to be down. Back in the day, you'd have a whole chapter devoted to your experience. Now, everyone's a mess, even the ones that say they're happy. Ohh man.. now I'm down....
Try a fried shrimp, it dulls the pain for a while....

 

by Straightshooter
4-19-12
Season Finale: Part 4
Well. I could take you away right now, but I don't think you're ready to go yet.
What does being ready entail?
Nothing specific. It's not like a checklist of things. It's different for everyone. Some people don't need much at all, others need a lot to get there.
Where am I at?
You're about half way.. Listen, don't pretend you're happy if you aren't. I have good days and bad days too and I'm the master of all I survey!! If people can't understand you're moody, then fuck 'em!
You just earned yourself 50 more wings!

 

by Straightshooter
4-28-12
I hope the pizza's are ready.
Well, if they're not, I'm gonna bitch!
Hey. I had a carryout order for 33.16. Here's a check.
I has to stop you right now to tell yew that we dunt take chey-ecks over 7.68 hur, but yew kun write a bunch of 'em to git to da toe-tell.
Okayyy. How many times does 7.68 go into 33.16?
I'm not real gude at figurin', I jest take da munny.

 

by Straightshooter
5-01-12
>>"If you don't give up...then you can never fail!" :D
~"A good friend is someone that holds your hair when you throw up!!"~ :)
Jesus, I have to stop using Facebook......

 

by Straightshooter
6-08-12
I'm just telling everyone that we won't be giving out free light bulbs to the tennants any longer.
Light bulbs? You're here about light bulbs??? What about the alcohol and the drugs????
Oh, we'll still be giving them out.

 

by Straightshooter
6-25-12
Hey, what's happening? Why are you wearing that HAZMAT suit???
OH GAWD! IT'S HORRIBLE! THE SKY IS GETTIN' DARKER AND THE SUN IS SINKIN' IN THE SKY! IT'S END ER DAYS!!!!
It sounds more like sunset to me.
YER CRAZY!! THE FOUR HORSEMANS ARE HERE! WE SHALL BE JUDGED!! YEW BETTER GIT RIGHT.....wait, I got a phone cawl.... Hallo? Oh, ok. All-right. Bye.
Sunset, right?
Yep.....

 

by Straightshooter
6-30-12
Yeah, it sucked. Damn mini-tornado knocked out the power in my neighborhood for almost twelve hours!
In one hundred degree heat!
Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing because I was evesdropping. Did you say your power was out for twelve hours yesterday?
Yeah. As if you didn't know.
That's the problem with this place. They can't do anything right. I told them TWENTY FOUR hours! Ohhhh, there's gonna be hell to pay for this!!
Hard to find good help in the summertime, isn't it?

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