All comics by ahrange

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by ahrange
3-18-03
Coming soon from Warner Home Video: If you thought Saturday Night Fever rocked hard, YOU HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING YET.
Coming this December, the long-awaited sequel, Saturday Night Fever II: Disco Never Dies hits shelves at a video store near you.
A hundred years have gone by, but they're still dancing.

 

by ahrange
3-20-03
He was a boy
She was a whore
Can I make it any more obvious?

 

by ahrange
3-20-03
She had a board
You can't see it but I rock at ollies.
He grilled fillet
What more can I say?

 

by ahrange
3-20-03
He wanted her, she'd never tell. Secretly she wanted his money as well.
Well, not really secretly. I am like a whore you know.
But all of his friends stuck up their nose
If only we could move our collective nose!
If only we could move our collective nose!
They had a problem with her slutty clothes
Old Navy special, here I come.

 

by ahrange
3-20-03
She was a sk8erwhore, he said "Fuck you later, whore." She'll be waiting for him at ten
Twenty dollars an hour. And I charge extra if you're late!
Gah gah gah. . .
She had an ugly face and she's giving head to the bass
This cell is censored. But trust me, you didn't want to see it.
She needs to be buried in the ear-th-h-h

 

by ahrange
3-20-03
Five years from now, he sits at home
*sigh* Girls Gone Wild isn't what it used to be.
Masturbating, he's all alone
Doesn't one usually imply the other?
He turns on TV, guess who he sees: sk8terwhore screwin' up MTV
I'm so punk I bleed studddddddssss. . . oh oh, complicatedddd

 

by ahrange
3-21-03
He calls up his friends, they're all really boned
Dude, that chick I-
Yeah, we know.
Cause they got tickets to see her show
Mystery prize my ass!
I made out with a guy for three minutes for this?
He tags along, and stands in the crowd. Looks up at the chick who turned his life upside-down
Mmm, foreshadowing.
You chose weed over me. . . fired by fried chicken ass. . . cheese! cheese! pleash!

 

by ahrange
3-21-03
She was a sk8terwhore, he said "Fuck you later whore." He wasn't man enough for her.
Jeez, dissing me and ripping off Toni Braxton songs? god you're lame.
Hey, I made you, I am god! I'll shred you like wheat, punk! Rahhh, vengeance!
Now she's a superwhore, screwing everyone who gets in the door
Happy groupies!
Happy groupies!
And she stills needs to be buried in the ear-th-h-h

 

by ahrange
3-21-03
Sorry boy but you struck out
If I had any other facial expressions I'd be really pissed right now.
Well tough luck VD's yours now
You gave me an STD!
So sue me!
You two couldn't just be friends, in court is how the story ends
All rise!
Ha ha ha! In this court, nobody wins!

 

by ahrange
3-25-03
Too bad that you couldn't see, see how you would lose all your money
The court declares you whiny and diseased and demands that you pay Sk8terwhore $75,000.
What? But-but-I don't even have that much money!
Screwing celebrities is like getting stabbed in the eye
Ha! See, like, I knew I would win cause like you know, I was just doing my job. It's like not my fault if he gets an STD. Now I can go back to putting dead cockroaches on my tongue and-
SHUT UP, WHORE!
They'll take your home and your soul besides
This could be the start of a beautiful relatioship, eh, bench?
Bench.

 

by ahrange
3-25-03
He's just a boy
Make that rather frightened boy.
And then I killed Pac-Man because you know, I just couldn't take all the gobbling. Oh, the disgusting little pig! And then it was Mario! Everyone knew that accent was fake!
And she's just a whore
I'm so rich now I can afford a different background and still be bitchy.
Can I make it any more obvious?
Well, I could draw you a diagram.

 

by ahrange
3-29-03
They aren't in love
You would have heard
And Sk8ter*BLEEP* is dating some nameless loser. That's then news for now on MTV. MTV news: you hear it *boom chica chica woo* first.
Like, wow!
The irony would have blown up the wor-ld-d-d

 

by ahrange
3-29-03
He's stalking the sk8terwhore, he said fuck you later whore
Please, you left me homeless! I need money! Please, I'll do anything!
Like, get the hell away from me!
He'll be backstage after the show
Where is everyone?
Ehh, I was the closest thing they could find to a ninja.
They jumped him in the studio, beat him with the radio, and dumped his body in the Gulf of Mex-i-co-o-o
And I buried her in the ear-th-h-h. Oh, like you didn't see that coming.

 

by ahrange
4-08-03
Look! It's the disembodied head of Kurt Vonnegut!
We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
Meanwhile, back in R'lyeh
I suppose this is what I get for eating my creator before he got really famous.

 

by ahrange
4-13-03
Oh no! Evil emo kids are taking over the world, and more importantly, the music industry! What will we do?
Ha ha ha! Emo has taken over the radio and music videos! You'll have to listen to our whiney, angsty music forever! Ha ha ha! *sniffle* Ha!
SuperPunk! SuperPunk! Saving the world for punk! Beating up all the emo kids and saving the world for punk!
Oi oi oi!
And everyone on earth was glad. Except Jethro. Thank you, SuperPunk!
Oi oi oi!
Now what am I supposed to do with all these ties?

 

by ahrange
4-13-03
Oh no! Evil indie kids are also taking over the world, and more importantly, the music industry! What will we do?
And if you don't listen to the radio or watch music videos, well, we still have you because indie controls everything else! Ha ha ha!
SuperPunk! SuperPunk! Saving the world for punk! Beating up all the indie kids and saving the world for punk!
Oi oi oi!
And once again, SuperPunk saves the day! Thank you, SuperPunk!
Oi oi oi! Now I'm going to start a punk band that sounds exactly like every other band that's started in the last year.
Indie boy! Come back!

 

by ahrange
4-13-03
Sorry Matt, but I'm afraid we have to let you go.
I don't understand. Wouldn't now be an incredibly profitable time for Killingtons?
You would think so, but people are more willing now to let their governments kill for them.
I can't believe this.
Plus, once people found out about our French branch, they've been boycotting until we change the name to Freedom Killingtons.
Merde.

 

by ahrange
4-13-03
Being jobless really sucks.
Aahh!!!
People don't seem to want to hire a guy in a hockey mask and scythe.
Mommy! Mommy!
I wonder if I could convince anyone I'm Bette Midler.

 

by ahrange
4-13-03
All I have to do is stand here until they start filming the next Jason movie and I'll be hired.
Yep, any day now.
Amateur.

 

by ahrange
4-14-03
Starbucks, we carve up bodies in the back room. What do you want?
Uh yeah, I'll have a small hazelnut decaf. Hey um, since the coffee's really hot, can I have a few ice cubes to put in it?
Sure. You want them put in before or after the coffee?
Umm . . . before. Hey! My coffee's still boiling hot!
Yes, but when you get to the bottom it'll be cold and tasteless. Ha ha ha! Enjoy.

 

by ahrange
4-14-03
Welcome to Starbucks, sponsored by evil Seattle warlords since 42 A.D. What do you want?
Yeah, I'll have a French vanilla roast, large. And can I have some ice cubes put in it?
Sure. Before or after the coffee?
Uh . . . after. Ugh, it's all cold on top!
Yes, and still boiling hot underneath. So your efforts did nothing. Ha ha ha! Enjoy.

 

by ahrange
4-14-03
Welcome to Starbucks, where we murder and use styrofoam.
Small black coffee, please.
And let me guess, you want some ice cubes in it. You want them before or after the coffee?
One before and one after.
There was a long pause, then:
You're good.

 

by ahrange
4-14-03
So we discovered we both have an appreciation for Coen brothers films and Spanish writers, but I have to know your name.
Hey, Daner!
goddammit, my name is Dana, not Daner! Why won't you people let it go?
Daner! Daner!
Daner . . . Daner . . . say it loud and there’s music playing . . . say it soft and it’s almost like praying . . .
America!

 

by ahrange
4-14-03
Meanwhile. . .
I've lost my job, my home, and my car. There's nothing left in Nebraska for me. Hitchiking is the way to go, I guess. I'm sure I'll get picked up soon.

 

by ahrange
4-14-03
You know, I just realized something.
Maybe I'd have a better chance if I put on a clean shirt.

 

by ahrange
4-14-03
Oh shit, I dropped your coffee, Mr. Cosby. Oops, pardon my language! Kids say the darnedest things!
Dude, you're getting a coffee!
I asked the O.J. Simpson guy if he was guilty of murdering all those sugar packets.
We rock so much.

 

by ahrange
4-21-03
Cause sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much, and I have to close my eyes and hide
I love you, you big hunk of carpenter, you! Please let me hold you!
I-I love you too, cigarette boy! Yes, yes, hold me, hold me!
I want to hold you till I die *records screeches to a halt*
Aah! My love!
Oh the pain! And it's all due to cigarettes! Curse you Big Tobacco, if only I hadn't fallen for your sweet, sweet nicotine!
Brought to you by The Truth
Tobacco companies don't want you to know they killed Jesus.

 

by ahrange
5-28-03
Step 1: Be born a scrawny boy. Meet other scrawny boys. Start a band. Wear as many t-shirts of obscure bands as you can.
Let's call ourselves The All-American Rejects!
I think that's already been done, man.
Step 2: Learn to play three power chords. Have your drummer quit out of frustration. Hire a new one. Write songs about every girl that dumped you in the last five years.
Oh Jennifer, Jennifer, why? Come back! I need your screaming infidelities!
I think that's already been done, man.
Step 3: Proclaim to all how anti-mainstream you are. Keep stating this position as your band shows up in music videos, tv, and eventually the radio. Congratulations, you're famous!
Our fans want us to make one of those fake live videos.
Sounds cool. Now if you'll excuse me, I have the rest of my three-year career as a band member to get drunk awaiting.

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