All comics by boloboffin

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You're not as big as I remembered...
by boloboffin, 9-03-06

 

by boloboffin
9-04-06
I asked for one thing nine months ago: make it to Bethlehem. What happened???
I was almost there! Hershey, Bethlehem, it's all Pennsylvania to me...
In PALESTINE, you ignorant fuck! BETHLEHEM, ISRAEL, in the Middle East!!!
Are you kidding? There's a fucking war going on over there...

 

by boloboffin
9-04-06
That war is one of the reasons I need to be over there...I'll be known as the Prince of Peace, dude...
Well, I didn't sign on for that. The Jews and Muslims are out to kill each other, gaily forward up!
*sigh*
Plus, with those fundie Paulinians throwing weapons and money to the highest bidder...
The who?
The Paulinians. This guy named Paul, he started a religion 2000 years ago - maybe you've heard of him?

 

by boloboffin
9-04-06
WTF? Paul went ahead with the plan without me???
Well...yeah! You can't unleash a guy like Paul on the world and not expect some consequences. I don't know what else we could have done...
How about delaying his birth until, say, oh, I don't know... UNTIL I WAS BORN??!!??
Yeah, that would have taken care of that...

 

by boloboffin
9-07-06
G'day, Mates! I'm Steve Irwin, recently deceased, comin to you live from Heaven itself!
I'll be your host for The Universe's Wildest Celebrity Deaths, my new show...
So sit back and relax! Only five hundred billion more to go before I get outa Purgat'ry!

 

by boloboffin
9-07-06
Let's welcome our first guest, the legend'ry Ms. Carol Channing!!
Hello, hello, all you wonderful people!!
So tell us, Sheila, how'dja die?
Fell down a flight of stairs.

 

by boloboffin
9-09-06
Welcome back to "The Universe's Wildest Celebrity Deaths" - accept no substitutes! Today's guest: Don Rickles!
Thanks, Steve. Long story short: I was crossing the street and got hit by a truck.
I don't see what's so ironic about that...
It was packed full of copies of How to Win Friends and Influence People being delivered to a local Border's.
Oh. That's a little better...
Plus, I'd spoted xxausrottenxx across the street and was trying to tell him how much I enjoyed that nice, tight ass of his last night.

 

by boloboffin
9-09-06
Next on our program, the one, the only Mister T!! Aight, mate, tell us how ya died.
Well, Steve, I died watching this play, King Lear. I got all choked up over how bad that dude had it, man. Had a heart attack and fell dead on the spot!
So it was King Lear's plight killed you...
No, man. I pitied the Fool.

 

- THE SCHOOL FOR THE GIFTED - PULL
*push*
by boloboffin, 9-09-06

 

What Dogs Hear
blah blah blah blah blah Ginger blah blah blah blah Ginger blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Ginger.
by boloboffin, 9-09-06

 

What Cats Hear
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
by boloboffin, 9-09-06

 

by boloboffin
9-10-06
Would you like to go home with me?
Yeah. No. No. But don't worry...
In an alternate universe, we are going home to have the most amazing sex of your life.
I hate my alternate universe self.

 

by boloboffin
9-11-06
A special Septemb'r Eleventh TUWCD: It's Osama bin Laden! Ooooooo!
Usama, actually.
Usama it is! Tell us, howdja bite it? And make it good, cuz you're a monsta.
Right. Well, actually it was the flu. Took a sniffle and died peacefully in my sleep.
Are you kidding? That's not ironic at all!
No, but I'd promised Karl that I'd be available for trial in 2008. I don't think he's got anyone in reserve.

 

by boloboffin
9-16-06
Bolo, we're going to move you to another store.
It's in a car dealership, so not a lota work, plus: it's closer to your house.
Wow, Mr, Doody. Will I still be in the tip pool?
Absolutely.

 

by boloboffin
9-16-06
LotaLatte: Saturn Edition
Ready for action!

 

by boloboffin
9-16-06

 

by boloboffin
9-16-06
No, it's not my imagination.

 

by boloboffin
9-16-06
Hey, did I mention that the tip pool is only for the store you're working for?

 

by boloboffin
9-16-06
Basically, what you've done is cut my pay rate.
Well, there's hardly anything to do here. Plus it is closer to your house. So that's an couple of hours of bus travel you're saving.
But I'm working a lot more hours now. I signed on for parttime - I'm pulling fulltime hours, plus rehearsing a new show...
I see...
So you're making the same amount of money each week. Glad we had this talk...

 

by boloboffin
9-16-06
boorite: lewl OMG El Cornholio: hey, at least you're picking up my WalMart slack boloboffin: You had so much more to work with, though

 

by boloboffin
9-16-06
Welcome to LotaLatte: Saturn Edition! How can I help you?
The cookies are free, correct?
No, sir.
I'm paying a hundred thousand for a new car, and I can't get a free cookie!?
If you can afford a hundred thousand dollar car, you can afford an eighty-one cent cookie.

 

by boloboffin
9-16-06
Hey, kid. Go over there and push that old lady down.
Whatever you say, Jesus!
Oh, my! What's that boy doing!?
Exactly what I told him to do! *hic*
You sure are a mean drunk, Jesus.
Hey, kid! Kick 'er in the head and I'll get your mom outa hell! *hic*

 

by boloboffin
9-19-06
My goodness, you've lost quite a bit of your body! How did it all happen?
Well, I'll tell you, ARRRRGH! I lost me hand when a shark swam up and bit it off! I lost me leg when it got tangled in a rope and the cap'n turned to stARRRRboard!
And I lost me eye when I looked up and a pigeon pooped rrrrrright into it!
Pigeon poop put out your eye?
No, it was me first day with the hook. ARRRRGH!

 

by boloboffin
9-20-06
Okay, got the muffins cooked and the breakfast sandwichs out. The coffee's all brewed and so are the teas.
Let's see...unwrap the pastries, make the yogurt parfaits, put out the fresh fruit and turn on the smoothie machine.
Ready for action!
Do you have any BAGELS?

 

by boloboffin
9-20-06
I'm sorry, Ma'am, but we don't sell bagels here...
You used to sell bagels.
I've been with the company three months, and I've never seen us sell bagels.
They sure did sell bagels. Every morning.
Would you like to try...
Bagels.

 

by boloboffin
9-20-06
This one lady really wants bagels.
Can't do it. The dealership stores set the standards - if they get bagels there, they'll expect them here.
So people didn't buy them, huh?
No, they bought them! We just stopped doing bagels.
We throw away 90% of what we make every day, and we phased out a product we sell all the time?
We're not getting bagels.

 

by boloboffin
9-20-06
Welcome to LotaLatte...
Still no bagels?
Actually, the store isn't going to carry them, but I went out and got you bagels myself.
GREAT!
Today, though, I just need a cup of ice and a fork. And a napkin, too, and a packet of mustard - is that a coupon?

 

Meet Mr. Jerks-Off-In-Your-Sock-When-You-Turn-Your-Back-On-Your-Laundry-In-Public. Yes, they're cousins.
by boloboffin, 9-20-06

 

by boloboffin
9-20-06
Earl, you member that girl what spent the night with'us last week? Who put them condoms on us and wiled us with her body?
I shorely do, Bobby Joe. Oh, the wicked things we'all did that long sordid night...
Earl, you care if that girl gits preg'nt?
Hell, no, Bobby Joe.
Dammit, I'm gonna take this here condom off.
Me, too. I'm gettin a powerful itch.

 

by boloboffin
9-21-06
Five American nurses and a British doctor have been detained and tortured in a Libyan prison since 1999.
Not content with their constant torture, a Libyan prosecutor has recently called for their execution by firing squad!
The trumped up charges? That they conspired to infect over 400 children with the HIV virus.
Meanwhile, international leaders continue to ignore this travesty of justice... I'm sorry, we're getting more details now!
Correction: the nurses are Bulgarian and the doctor is Palestinian.
Never mind.

 

by boloboffin
9-22-06
Another boring day with no customers.
Guess I'll go in the back and cut strawberries.

 

by boloboffin
9-22-06
Hmmm?
Hmmm.

 

by boloboffin
9-22-06

 

by boloboffin
9-22-06
NOW CUT THAT OUT!!!!!!

 

by boloboffin
9-22-06

 

by boloboffin
9-27-06
It wasn't easy accepting that I was God, but I've learned to live with it.
You're God, huh? How'd you figure that out?
Well, one day, I was praying to God...
...and I realized I was talking to myself!
Dude, you so totally ripped off The Ruling Class on that one.

 

by boloboffin
9-27-06
Why is it that we always stand on the same side?
Our readers have certain expectations.
Can't we switch sides just once?
Fine, whatever.
Feel better?
Rock.

 

by boloboffin
9-27-06
You can't keep me in here without any evidence!
Hey elfcock, how about not making me beat the shit out you?
You can't convict me without any evidence!
Hey elfcock, how about not making me beat the shit out you?
You can't execute me without any evidence!
To the bitter end, eh, elfcock?

 

by boloboffin
9-28-06
I wish we had more female employees.
Hey elfcock, how about not making me beat the shit out you?
Whaaa?
Goddammit, you asked for it.
Hey, Suzie? Could you get in here and clean up this mess?

 

by boloboffin
9-29-06
Welcome to LotaLatte, what can I get started for you?
A regular coffee.
What size?
A small latte.
Oh. A latte.
Yes. And put three shakes of cinnamon in the bottom of the cup, one of nutmeg, two Splendas, and make it Skinny!

 

by boloboffin
9-29-06
Ohhh. Dude's checking out the huge ugly SUV, the one with 12/14 mpg...
Sold!
Wouldn't it be cheaper to fly to Iraq and spit in a soldier's face?

 

Your pathetic attempts at romance will never work.
by boloboffin, 10-01-06

 

by boloboffin
10-02-06
Alright, Bolo, it's time for your coffee test. What do you call a single shot of espresso?
I don't know, Mr. Doody.
A solo. Solo. And how about a double shot of espresso?
I don't know.
A doppio. Doppio. So when they order a doppio in a demitasse, what do they want?
Let's pretend that I don't know.

 

by boloboffin
10-02-06
C'mon, Bolo. You've got to know these things. The consumer demands it.
Oh, yes, the consumer demands it...
The consumer demands it... The consumer demands it...
Would you like a medium roast or a dark roast...
Jesus, could I just get a regular cup of coffee!?

 

by boloboffin
10-04-06
I'd love of those chocolate chip cookies!
Oh, that's oatmeal raisin. I've got white chocolate macadamia nut cookies, though.
Silly! White chocolate isn't really chocolate!
What?
I mean, technically. Chocolate is brown, not white.
Hanh? Chocolate is a chemical compound that...oh, fuck it. Sometimes you got to roll with the stupid if ya wanna get high.

 

by boloboffin
10-04-06
I, Mark Foley, take full responsibility for what I've done.
Oh, and I only did what I did when I was drunk. Plus I never actually did anything physical with anyone.
Did I mention I got molested as a kid?
Down in front!!!

 

by boloboffin
10-05-06
Actually, dude, white chocolate is mostly vanilla and sugar.
But...don't they use cocoa butter in white chocolate?
Some, for the consistency - but it's mostly vanilla
Cocoa butter! Cocoa beans! Chocolate!
you need coffee
My customers are idiots! I hate them all! Deny not the premise of my entire series!!!!1

 

by boloboffin
10-06-06
*sigh*
More coffee?
MOH!

 

by boloboffin
10-06-06

 

by boloboffin
10-08-06
A tuna salad sandwich...wait. It doesn't have, like, apples or weird shit in it, does it?
Well, yes, our tuna salad is made with granny smith apples...
GODDAMMIT! I don't understand why people have to fuck with tuna salad! Everybody has to put some goddam shit into the tuna salad!!!
I know you just work here, but damn! You know what I mean?
Yeah, tell you what. Just this once, I'll take the gun away from your head and not make you buy that sandwich, okay?

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