All comics by four_legged_tripod

Profile

 

Morning, Johnson!
Piss off Wilson!
What a dick!

 

Hey Juan, where did ju go?
I wanted to give ju some time alone with the burrow so I went to see jour sister.
Man, jour breath smells really bad. What have ju been eating?
Uh...
Tacos.

 

Do you see what Kevin did all over the rug?
What is that? Chocolate pudding?
Don't taste that! It's not what you --
Aw, sick! He wiped his shit all over the rug?
The boy is 12 years old. Where would he get such an idea?
Hey man, I can't help it if you ran out of toilet paper last week.

 

Why is our dog named "Tripod"?
What do you mean?
He has four legs. Only three-legged dogs are named "Tripod".
Oh, that.
You've seen how your mother drives. It's only a matter of time.

 

♫ Hush girl ... Shut your lips
Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips ♫
♫ I said hush girl ...
Helen! That's the emergency exit! The dance floor's back this way!
WHAAAAA WHUUUU! WHAAAAA WHUUUU!

 

After being molested by not 1, not 2, but 10 ice cream men in a back alley, he still used the experience to make an anal raped flavored ice cream that feeds millions of children in Africa each day.
Not one to discriminate, he molests all of his step-daughters, not just the red headed one, using his penis and a sock to reenact Shakespeare to help them with their homework while he does it.
Being confused about relationships and sexuality has not stopped him from giving back to society as he secretly volunteers at a farm giving the animals there prostate exams with his fist.
When I'm not drinking Draino in an attempt to kill myself, I drink Tres Equis. Stay thirsty.

 

I'm sorry sir. Authorized personnel only.
It's okay. I'm a professional.
Coroner?
Taxidermist.
Sir, you have no business being down here.
Sure I do. I'm here to stuff some dead beavers.

 

Forced to walk the earth for all eternity, Sleezeball encounters many people...
He could, if he wanted, use these encounters for the good of all mankind...
Would you help a poor old woman across the street?
Or not...
Are you nuts? I'm a snail for fuck's sake! Our two slow asses in the middle of the road just begs the title "Dead Dumb Asses Walking."

 

__________________ Stock Photo
In 1993, Lorena Bobbitt became famous, or infamous, for her brutal attack on her husband. But where is she now?
After months of investigative journalism, we have learned that Ms. Bobbitt died late last year in a horrible car crash.
Eye witnesses of the accident confirm reports that Ms. Bobbitt died when a dick cut her off.

 

You've been assigned to the "P.A.M.P"ER PROGRAM.
"P.A.M.P"ER PROGRAM? What's that?
It stands for our "Pack And Move Program."
And why would I qualify for that?
Basically because you're full of crap and need a change.

 

MUH WA HA HA HA HA!!! You will never defeat me!
My fortress is impenetrable and your pewny weapon has no effect on me!
You're my slave; my bitch!
You must bow to my every whim if you wish to remain even marginally happy in your pathetic existence.
For Christ's sake! Can't you just say you have a headache like every other woman?

 

Tell me today's month you naw-zi bastard!
nine.
Don't tell me "no" you German piece of shit and answer my questions. What is today's day of the month?
Nine!
I swear to God I'll cut off your scalp if you tell me "no" one more time! Now tell me what year it is!
OH NINE!!!

 

Daddy, can I have a pony?
Hell no! Never again!
But why?
Daddy's still in therapy working through what happened the last time we had a pony.
Shhhhh. My husband doesn't need to know.

 

♫ Oh Captain, my Captain! I'm here for your booty! ♫
For the love of Davey Jones! Not another pirate turned gay!
♫ You can swab my poop deck if you let me blow your man down! ♫
Okay, I'll give you a quick fistin' if you just stop with the gay pirate puns.
With the hook?
You didn't think I was planin' on getting shit under my fingernails now did ya?

 

Come on now lad. You're an hour late. Where have ye been?
In the head, Captain.
That's a long time to be on the crapper. What were ye doin' in there? And be honest.
I... uh... well sir, I was floggin' the dolphin, sir.
Arrr. That's not what I meant when I said we would be ship jackin' this mornin'!

 

Jack, my heart will go on and on.
And his hard on will go on and on since you showed him your tits!!!
I will always love you!
And Jack would love a blow job but you wouldn't give him one you frigid bitch!!!
Mommy! Daddy bought another movie at the flea market!

 

Dude! Are you drinking at work?
Yep. I had a hangover this morning and I realized that the only way to avoid a hangover is to be drunk all the time.
Sounds fine for hangovers but doesn't it negatively impact other areas of your day?
If there is a flaw in my theory, I have yet to see it.
Hey sexy. You're much cuter than Judy who used to work at this cubicle. No one would touch her because she looked like a dog and had crabs.
Yeah well I'm Juuuuu... uh, June! Yeah June. Wanna fuck?

 

Relationships are about give and take and all you do is take!
All I do is take... Take your shit!!!
Now man, Ima let you finish- but Chris Brown had one of the best arguments of all time.
If Chris had beaten Rihanna with an umbrella, now THAT would have been classic!
Kanye West is an asshole.

 

How 'bout this one?
Would you please stop?
This one then. You've got to love this one.
Again, I'm asking you to give this up.
Would you prefer it if I found some Barbie clothes?
Look, just because you pronounce it "Hallo-weenie" does NOT mean your penis needs its own costume!

 

There once was a hot dog who found himself in an over-sized hallway.
Holy shit! It's a lot bigger in here than I thought it would be!
The poor hot dog could not feel anything inside the hallway.
I've never felt so alone in my life.
Finally, the hot dog resolved to do something about it...
Fuck this! If this is as good as it gets, then I'm shoving myself into a pair of tight buns!

 
Uh, Frank? When I asked you to stock the shelves, I didn't mean "stare at them from a distance while masturbating."

 

Waitin' for the bus?
Nope.
Do you live at this bus stop? Are you homeless?
No. I've got an apartment over on 9th.
Then why are you hangin' around the bus stop with no clothes on?
This is where I get off.

 

Man, that's jacked up. You know your woman is gullible enough to believe anything.
I know. But she really wanted to know the origin of the phrase "trick-or-treat" and I had to come up with something.
So you told her to put on last year's Halloween costume and go into the city to find the answer?
Yeah. I told her to use the magical phrase...
If you've got a trick, then I've got a treat!
Damn! I can smell this bitch's fishy snatch from here!

 

They thought I was crazy! They'll see. He'll come. hahaha.
He will rise from the pumpkin patch, flying through the air, bringing toys to all the good girls and boys.
OH MY GOD! You're the Great Pumpkin! You've risen!
Hey, look at that. I have risen. Now bend over so I can give you your present!

 

Dad, this hobo costume is making me hot and my candy bag is getting heavy.
Here, let me hold your sack while you ring this next doorbell.
Hey dad? You holdin' my nut sack ain't doin' nothin' for my candy bag situation.

 

Well, I've gotta be off now.
I can't bear to watch you leave. Must you go?
I've completed my life long dream thanks to the open-minded woman who lives here.
Your life long dream was to commit humanality?
Yep. And I thought by letting you watch I was helping you to complete your life long dream.
Well you did, but it's just... well... I never thought I'd see a person bend that way before...

 

Dude, I know you're drunk and all, but would you stop pissing on me? If I knew this was what you were going to do in the back room in the dark, I never would have agreed to come back here.
I can't stop. I've had too many beers. Besides, you promised you would help me with my list before I got sent to Afghanistan.
I have been helping. I even paid for the tattoo that reads, "I never thought I'd see a person bend that way before..." on your inner thigh. I thought the last thing we had to do was go jet skiing.
I said nothing about jet skiing...
I said "water sports."

 

Do you know where Joe is?
Ridin'-Cock?
???
20 minutes later
What's up Joe?
Do you have any idea why the new guy keeps dunking his testicles in my coffee cup?

 

Hey there Joe. How's it going?
Look man, I appreciate the fact that you've stopped tea bagging my coffee cup, but this turn you've taken to dry humping my ass has got to stop.
Am I coming on too strong?
No, you're cumming on my wallet.

 

What is it with all of your sexual advances towards me?
It's just hard to find someone as openly gay in the work place like you. Some guy told me a couple of days ago that you were riding cock in the office.
Oh I get it. Ha ha. It's REICHENBOCK dip shit! MY NAME IS REICHENBOCK! AND I'M NOT GAY YOU LITTLE FUCK! STOP BOTHERING ME!
Why'd you tell him that? You're gayer than a Broadway musical about an interior decorator at a glory hole.
I know. It was just easier to lie than tell him the sight of his shriveled balls turned me off.

 

Hideki-san, you have been chosen for special training that will bring respect to our ancestors from the white western devils.
Do you think I am ready master?
I have watched you handle your bat in the shower and you have skill but your training will not be easy.
What must I do to prove my worthiness?
"Get to 3rd base with The Beast."
Bring it you little limp-dicked Asian bastard.

 

"She will block your every advance."
So, do you come here often?
You think you can break me down with that lame-ass shit?
"You must vary your technique to get through her defenses."
Hey, if you and I were both squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
You still have no shot at me, but I do find your proposition intriguing.
"Find her weakness and exploit it."
I have the tongue of a rattlesnake and can go for hours without coming up for air.
Why the hell didn't you just say so? Bring your snorkel and let's make this thing happen!

 

I have completed the task master.
So you found the gap and hit it did you?
Yes master. Now what?
Phase two. I will present you with two balls. Don't strike out.
I will do my best to please you master.
You bet you will. And don't forget to choke up on the bat.

 

Master, I've been training with you for 10 years now.
Are you displeased with my training?
No. You have taught me well in the ways of handling balls, popping flies, and cleaning out your dug out.
But you want more I see. Fine. I believe you may be ready for...
"...a doubleheader..."

 

You have been with me for many years my son. I believe you are ready.
For what master?
To fulfill your destiny. But first, there is one last thing I need you to do.
Anything.
"Rid the city of Godzilla."
Is that all you got you little bitch?
Fuck this shit! I'm moving to the states to play baseball!

 

Why American cigarettes don't vacation in England.
Hey, fag!
by four_legged_tripod, 11-11-09

 

Hey, queer! I bet you play butt darts with anything but darts!
by four_legged_tripod, 11-11-09

 

Now listen here fag, I said to have a successful test, I needed more test-ees NOT testes.
by four_legged_tripod, 11-11-09

 

Southern belle Natalie makes a discovery...
Hey guys! Look what I found on the beach! I hit it in the head with a rock! Would one of you lazy fuckers get off your ass and help me drag this thing to the camp fire?
by four_legged_tripod, 11-13-09

 
Did you see the new relaxation and masturbation pool I installed in the other room?
Fred, that's disgusting. If you're gonna do something like that, at least add something else to the room to help you get off so you're not in there all day.
When you think old guy gonna let us out of box?

 

For acting too blonde
For dry humping the Sea World worker
For chronic masturbation

 

Hey, who installed the stripper pole behind the bench?
I did. It's kinda fun to see who uses it plus it has a special feature.
What?
It glows in the dark.

 

Hey baby. Can I ride your pole?
Dude! These stripper poles you installed are skank magnets! They're your best idea ever!!!
Hey there squirrely. Wanna bust a nut in my hole?

 

No, no, no! You've made his head all wrong! And he was much fatter than that.
Sorry. I'll start over.
Is this better?
Hey! Who the fuck assigned me to work with Ginormous over here?

 

Sir, this may be the final moment of your life. You may not have another opportunity like this. Take it while it's here.
Okay. What about an old fashioned motorboat? Just keep your head between my tits. Sir?
Sir, this may be the final moment of your life...

 

You've been staring at me for the past month. You got somethin' to say?
Well, do ya? I'm tired of all of this silent treatment bullshit.
Sorry dude. I can't hear you. My ears are Baroque.

 

Sorry kid, but to join this club you have to have facial hair; a moustache, a beard.
Great! Then I can join!
What are you talking about?
I have a beard.
I don't see a beard.
That's cuz I left her at home.

 

I've been thinking a lot about what you said and it's just not fair.
I didn't choose to be born this way.
That's what I mean. Just because you're born a certain way should not mean you can't have access to an entire race of people.
Exactly! Wait... what are we talking about?
Hebrews.
I'm allergic to oranges. I said I can't have any juice, not Jews.

 

So is there a problem with you dating a Jewish girl?
It's never really crossed my mind. I'm not really into Jewish girls.
Are you prejudice?
No. Actually I got scared of them after I watched a horror film.
Which one?
"The hand that rocks the dreidel."

 

It wouldn't work out between a me and a Jewish girl anyway.
Why not?
The whole pork thing. You know, Jews can't eat pork.
I've been married seven years and trust me, once you're married the last thing you worry about is your wife ever wanting to eat you.

Showing page 3.

« Previous Next »